Denial???

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MrsC
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Denial???

Post by MrsC »

To cut a long story short, I stopped drinking for nearly two years as I was drinking every day and started even drinking in the mornings when I wasn't working. It nearly ruined my marriage and I wouldn't have my child if I didn't stop as my hubby refused to start family while I was drinking.

I started drinking socially again and it started well but old habits crept up again when my kid was at grandmas for the weekend and hubby at work. Was drinking the night before and woke up to start drinking again and all day. Cue me really pissed and then really ill for days.

Had a chat with an annoyed hubby and we agreed that maybe i find it hard to admit i can't control drinking. I promised to stop drinking in the house and only drink socially once lockdown is over.

Problem is i hate moderation and like the drunk feeling. Drinking affects work, my marriage and i am worried the impact it will have on my child.

Can you ever be a moderate drinker after having a drink problem? Am i just doomed to being the boring one in the pub not drinking? I hate not being able to drink normally.

I am looking into meditation, buddhism, exercise etc...but i miss drinking. But at the same time i am scared i go back to the heavy drinking and lose my family.

Maybe i just need to admit i am an alcoholic but don't want to. Plus, deep down i don't think i am one - crazy right? Plus scared of the judgment. Tried AA a couple of times but can never stick it out.

Just lost and feel is it worth trying social drinking or would it end in disaster? I know i drink to get drunk and always have since a teen. A lifetime of bullying, abusive family and relationships and sexual assault has torn me apart at times. I have anxiety and depression and just started antidepressants. Alcohol is one thing that makes me feel content.

Any advice appreciated.
MyNameIsBetsy
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Re: Denial???

Post by MyNameIsBetsy »

Maybe i just need to admit i am an alcoholic but don't want to.
Yup. Probably.
Can you ever be a moderate drinker after having a drink problem?
Alcoholics can't go back to being normal drinkers, but many of us die trying.

Mrs. C, you are going to have to make up your own mind if you are in need of help to stop drinking. We all get to use that decision as our starting point. If you want to stop, and can't stop by yourself, AA is here for you. Millions of alcoholics are walking around sober today because of this life changing program.

When you are ready, when you need us, we are here.

In the meantime, here's a little reading material for you. The first few chapters describe the problem of alcoholism and the solution. Here is a link to our basic text: https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous

Betsy, an alcoholic
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."
Indianapolis
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Re: Denial???

Post by Indianapolis »

MrsC wrote: Wed Feb 10, 2021 7:51 pm
Can you ever be a moderate drinker after having a drink problem? Am i just doomed to being the boring one in the pub not drinking? I hate not being able to drink normally.
As you ponder that, ask yourself these questions:

- Do you think I never tried to become a "normal" drinker after I realized I was an alcoholic? (Of course I did. Years of failed attempts. DUI's, career challenges, family challenges, etc etc)

- How about the million+ other folks in recovery? Think they just never considered that? (ha).

- Do you think I go to daily meetings and volunteer in recovery and work steps and spend time thinking about my recovery because it's just so much fun? I've got nothing better to do with a couple hours every day than chat with a bunch of old drunks? (ha!)

Maybe you're the special one. Maybe you're the outlier that is unique, that can suddenly transform from alcoholism back to normal drinking. Maybe you're the boozy buddha who has a path to normal drinking enlightenment. Or, maybe you're one of us. Only you can know.

And if you're not sure and need to do more research, your local liquor store is waiting for you. If and when you need us, we're here.
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Brock
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Re: Denial???

Post by Brock »

My ideas might be a little different from some others, I find that you have the same fears and experiences that I did, and just about everyone I have met in AA did.
...i find it hard to admit i can't control drinking. Drinking affects work, my marriage and i am worried the impact it will have on my child.
It is hard, we all didn’t want to admit it, and so the first step is based on that, ‘admitted we were powerless, that our lives had become unmanageable,’ it’s not a very manageable life feeling anxious and depressed and also feeling to drink, or doing things which upset the household, etc.
Problem is i hate moderation and like the drunk feeling.
Just what our books say, and I could not understand those like my wife who after a couple of beers would say ‘I have had enough, I am starting to feel it,’ of course you are starting to feel it that’s the whole point I would be thinking, and I and others like me want to feel it more and more, we have no control.

Am i just doomed to being the boring one in the pub not drinking?
Again one of my main fears. I sat and made a list of the approximate population over 21 and below 90 years old, the sort of folks that enjoy a drink and laugh in a bar or pub, I did this for New York since they have statistics for that sort of thing online, and also the number of licensed bars in the city, this I am sure would apply for England as well. The point I came to realize is that there is only room in these places for about 10% of that number of people, and therefore me sitting in the bar was in a great minority. But my mind said, all those other people not hanging out in the bar are squares and nerds, they don’t know what fun is. But I had to stop so I did, and I won’t say that every now and again I don’t miss ever so slightly the ambiance of that sort of nightlife, but in the main, I have found a far more satisfying way of life, and enjoy a good book or TV show way more than I thought I would. If that is being a nerd then I am happy to be one.
I have anxiety and depression and just started antidepressants. Alcohol is one thing that makes me feel content.
Once again join the club, we feel we have found the right medicine in alcohol, then it turns around and bites us in the butt. The hardest thing to convince newcomers is that the promises made as to how we will feel once we do the steps of AA, the happiness and serenity to be found, are indeed true things, and not as hard to find as we first envisaged.

Lastly, I absolutely will not disagree with whatever method anyone else uses to get and keep this serine life, AA has many hard-working folks who go to meetings every day and sponsor others, etc. and because I thought I would have to do that I resisted for years, and lost family and jobs and almost my life. Then I noticed one fellow who looked the coolest and happiest of the bunch at a certain weekly meeting, spoke to him and he set me straight, do the steps and then meetings become optional. He came to one each week to pass his message and otherwise lived by the principles of AA, basically be a decent human being and find a spiritual path to take. I now live that way and am happier than I have ever been, I have not been to a ‘live’ meeting in about a year due to Covid, and before that was a once or twice a week visitor. This is not a difficult program and will be something that changes your life if you give it a chance.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
Indianapolis
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Re: Denial???

Post by Indianapolis »

Brock wrote: Thu Feb 11, 2021 9:07 am
Am i just doomed to being the boring one in the pub not drinking?
Again one of my main fears. I sat and made a list of the approximate population over 21 and below 90 years old, the sort of folks that enjoy a drink and laugh in a bar or pub, I did this for New York since they have statistics for that sort of thing online, and also the number of licensed bars in the city, this I am sure would apply for England as well. The point I came to realize is that there is only room in these places for about 10% of that number of people, and therefore me sitting in the bar was in a great minority. But my mind said, all those other people not hanging out in the bar are squares and nerds, they don’t know what fun is. But I had to stop so I did, and I won’t say that every now and again I don’t miss ever so slightly the ambiance of that sort of nightlife, but in the main, I have found a far more satisfying way of life, and enjoy a good book or TV show way more than I thought I would. If that is being a nerd then I am happy to be one.
Brock's response is excellent. I'll just add to this bit a tiny amount from my experience. (Other than during these covid times....) I still go to bars sometimes, when I have another good reason to be there. Playing music (I'm a musician), a friends birthday, whatever. I sit and drink soda. The book tells us that we can go to these places if we are spiritually fit and have another reason for going. When my reason for being there ends (I'm done playing music, I've socialized enough for my friend's birthday, etc), I leave.

I don't consider myself boring there. In fact, typically, exactly no one cares whether I'm drinking. If I have soda and they have booze, it's never raised more than a simple question: "Want to do a shot with us?" "Nah, man, I'm good, not drinking tonight, gotta drive -- but I'll buy a round!" End of conversation. It turns out that my friends couldn't really care less whether I was drinking or not. That blew my mind, but has proven true time after time after time.

I'm an extrovert with friends who like to party -- and I get to see them, and I'm still sober.
Aggiejim
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Re: Denial???

Post by Aggiejim »

I'm not here to put labels on anyone and I'm not working my way through college selling AA memberships.
However, I do have some experience to share. If I don't drink and don't die for the next two weeks I'll celebrate 30 years sober in AA 2/26/21. I asked virtually all the same questions you have posed. The short answer to your major question is NO. If you are an alcoholic, as defined by the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, when you take that first drink, sooner or later it sets of a craving for more with an idea that this time it's going to be different.

This hasn't changed in 80 plus years. If you want to quit drinking liquor for good and all and feel like you need some help, we KNOW we have an answer for you. Unfortunately, if you want to stick to beer, stop a 3 drinks, not drink before 5pm, only drink on the weekends, etc. we don't have an answer for you.

Want to be proactive? Let me make a suggestion. Go to your local used book store, and for a couple of bucks, get a copy of the Big Book. Read the Roman Numeral section, especially the Doctors Opinion, and through the bottom of page 63. That's not recovery, that's identifying with the problem.

At that point if you decide that AA is for you, I hope to see you on the Road of Happy Destiny.
Mike O
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Re: Denial???

Post by Mike O »

Hi MrsC.
Welcome to the group 😁
I just have a couple of thoughts that might help you figure out where you’re at.
All the stuff that you wrote about in your post, all the stuff you think about your drinking, the fact that you “tried AA” - normal drinkers never give any of that stuff a single thought.
You’re here because you came here.
Indianapolis
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Re: Denial???

Post by Indianapolis »

She hasn't come back since she made the post, unfortunately.
1Peter5:10
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Re: Denial???

Post by 1Peter5:10 »

If you are like me you can never control your drinking.

Any attempt to drink less alcohol,
Any attempt to drink less often,
will fail.

If you are like me, a one year break from drinking will not change that, a ten year break from drinking cannot change that, a fifty-year break from drinking cannot change that. As the saying goes, once you're a pickle you can never change back into a cucumber.
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