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The Party Was Over !

Feeya, Germany

 


Hi everyone, my name is Feeya and I am an alcoholic!

The first time I ever said those words was in late May of 2016; the first time I ever believed them was on June 16, 2016. After a one-night relapse I found myself feeling worse than I ever had, so full of guilt and so hopeless that I was finally able to surrender.

I remember sitting on the dance floor, surrounded by people who were dancing and celebrating their lives. I wasnít. I wasnít able to move, my muscles were trembling to a point where my jaw was shivering and while my supposed friends were in awe at how drunk I was, I realised that for me, the party was over. I was fourteen. 

After that I decided that it was probably safest for me to not drink anymore. I started doing drugs, substituting my alcoholism, thinking that it would be safe and that I would be able to stop whenever I wanted to.

"I am able to stop, I just donít want to!ď was a slogan I was very well known for amongst friends and family.

When the drugs stopped working I started drinking again, doing drugs on top, to heighten the effects of my escape. I was eighteen when I decided for the second time that it was probably safest for me to not drink anymore. Only this time, instead of substituting, I tried to kill myself.

I have tried everything. Controlling and moderating my intake, substitution, self medication, inpatient treatment, outpatient therapy and suicide. Nothing worked and the day I came to realise that I reached out. I ended up at e-AA, confused, alone and so, so scared. I was looking for encouragement, which I got and which led me into my first f2f meeting. 

When I walked through that door I was greeted by people who actually did not even look like alcoholics. They seemed wonderfully normal and very, very nice.

There were three things that I immediately appreciated. Everyone seemed to be understanding and empathetic to my situation, no one made me feel guilty and no one told me what to do,or what not to do Ö except for a very friendly:
 "Keep coming back!ď

And I did. And I do. One day at a time.

Today, a lot of things are uncertain and sometimes I am overwhelmed with fear. But I have a solution. I call my sponsor before I take that first drink, I read the Big Book, I go to meetings and surround myself with other alcoholics.

If I ever feel like I donít want to participate in AA I know that is when I absolutely have to. Because I am an alcoholic and if I donít work the program eventually I will end up in a place where I never want to be again.

It works if you work it.

 And if you donít believe that to be true for you, you might just wanna bring your body to AA and your mind will follow!

Good twenty four hours,

Feeya

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