my own case, it all began so innocently and by the end, my life was a
mess, people didn't want me around when I drank and my children were
very angry and confused, as was the rest of my family. The loneliness
and feelings of guilt and remorse were with me so much of the time but I
continued to drink. The big problem was that I got to a place where I
could not stop! I was functional for some years but things began to go
wrong -- my marriage failed, I had to go back to work full-time again
and my two pre-teens were very active so I was pretty busy. I had to
sneak my wine because if they figured out that I had been drinking they
would scour the house or my car until they found the bottle so that they
could pour it out and they were very acute about the signs.
knew that what I was doing was not normal -- the women I knew did not
drink an entire bottle of wine in an evening. They would have one or
two and then leave half a glass on the table and not think anything
about it again. How I envied them. I kept trying to be 'normal' but I
didn't realize that I would never be a normal drinker. I would always
be alcoholic because my reaction to any alcohol was very different from
those normal people. They did not crave it the way that I did nor had
to sit on their hands so that they would not get drunk at a luncheon or a
coffee. Wine made me feel more of what my idea of who I thought I
should be but it kept getting out of control. No wonder they would look
at me strangely although no one ever brought it to my attention. They
did ignore me from time to time. So much for being a normie.
last months of my drinking were not pretty. I kept showing up at work
looking very rough and feeling even worse. One of my co-workers told me
after I began to be sober that she was positive I had a death wish. I
guess everyone knew even though in my mind I was hiding it somewhat.
Then came the day it all blew up -- I came out of a morning blackout
(which had never happened before) and was at work. That meant I drove
many miles on a super highway -- I could have injured someone or even
myself. That really got my attention so I knew I finally had to ask for
help. I went to a detox facility to see if they had any solution to
what was happening to me.
I was a patient we had visitors from AA one afternoon. They came to
share their stories with us. I could not believe how well they all
looked -- they laughed and joked and not drinking didn't seem that big
of a deal to them. They had found a solution to their drinking
problem. They told us to read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
which would explain what was wrong with us and what to do about it.
They also suggested we do a few things when we were released -- go to as
many meetings as we could, read the Big Book, find a sponsor, get a
home group and work the Steps. There was something about these people
which made me want what they had found so I made a pact with myself that
I would listen to those suggestions and make sure I followed them.
at meetings are so glad to share especially with new people. They made
sure that we 'newbies' had Big Books and meeting lists and even gave us
phone lists to use if we were having a difficult time of it and needed
someone to help. I came to love those meetings -- I always feel safe
there and so much better when I leave. I did find a wonderful sponsor
and a home group and went to meetings whenever I had free time. The
more I went the more I wanted to keep away from drinking. One day
something came to mind that I had lost that awful urge to drink. Talk
about freedom! It spurred me on to keep up what I was doing and not
give up even if I had a bad day or life had thrown me a curve ball. It
has worked for many years now when nothing else did. AA has given me
back the hope I had lost and a better life than I could have imagined.
urge you to contact the AA Office where you live and ask for meetings
near your home. You can also become involved with all the venues here
at E-AA where you will find groups to join, meetings in our Chat room,
literature and even a Temporary Sponsor venue where you can request a
sponsor to help you with your program and working the 12 Steps. There
is hope here and some really fine people to help you along the way. Why
not give it a try? It doesn't cost anything and you just might like
being there. It has worked for me for quite some time now.