My Jumping Off Place
I remember it was a Sunday morning, around 6 a.m. My husband had found my stash of vodka from the night before and dumped it, unbeknownst to me.
When I woke up (came to) that morning, I was so incredibly sick; physically ill, shakes, vomiting, that ill feeling of dread and doom. I didn't want to live like this anymore but I didn't have a choice, or so I thought.
I was panicked because I couldn't find the booze -- it was gone. In a fit of desperation I went to the neighbor’s house (at 6 a.m. mind you!!), banging on their door asking if they had any alcohol.
I didn't care what they thought of me, I was that sick and that lost and that desperate. They looked at me like I had ten heads and you can imagine that didn't go very well.
But the humiliation of that one experience was not enough to keep me from drinking. I went back home, took a $20 dollar bill out of my husband's wallet and dragged myself across the street to a 7/11, looking like God knows what. I still cringe when I think of it. I bought 2 bottles of NyQuil It was the only thing I could think of at the hour of the morning that would help me.
I drank both bottles before I even got back into my house. I was so sick!! Oh God, if I thought I was sick before I drank it, I was even more so after. I still remember that feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I knew that day I needed help -- desperately. I knew it was over. I knew I either needed to make a change or go to the infinite end and die. It was that simple for me. I just didn't have the strength or the know-how to get there. Alcohol had taken everything from me at that point.
I don't really remember too much after that. Somehow I got to the liquor store at noon, came home completely polluted, and my husband (who had been sober at that point almost 7 years) picked me up, threw me in his truck, brought me to ER, threw 25 dollars at me, and told me not to come home until I could put the booze away. And boy he meant it.
That was almost five years ago, and so much has changed in my life today. There are so many blessings I've received from this gift of sobriety.
From being an active member in this program, finally, and taking the suggestions from my sponsor not as suggestions, but MUSTS (Steps, Meetings, Steps, Steps, Steps continuously working on myself, something I never got), I've gotten a little bit of myself back. I no longer have that horrible, lonely, dark hole in my soul.
I've tried to do it SO MANY times before my way, definitely not going to any lengths. Today, that's changed. My life depends on it. Today I have peace, I have serenity, I even experience joy at the very simple things in life.
The road has been bumpy; sometimes roller coaster high and lows, but it has been so worth it.
I have gone through the process out of the BB with my sponsor, when she got to the page referring to the “jumping off place” she asked me "MaryAnne, do you think you're ready to do this? Have you really been at that jumping off place?"
Oh yeah, I definitely have I thought; all I had to do was remember NyQuil.
I'm blessed to have been given another chance at life and I thank my God for it every day. Some people aren't as lucky.
I never want to forget that lonely dark place from which I came. Everyday isn't sunshine and roses, but it sure beats crawling across the street to a 7/11 on a Sunday morning at 6 a.m. to buy NyQuil.