The lifelines saving me
MaggieGail, Boston, MA
For me alcohol played a very huge role in my anger. On the outside amongst friends and family, I was a "happy" drunk. My everyday nature was happy, funny, lovable, kind and all that. The more sober I become, the more I know that I am a good person and I do still possess those qualities.
However, the person closest to me (my husband) was not always kind to me and then he changed. He sought help. I remained the same and never forgave him. When he was mean to me I never said anything, I just held it all inside and became a nervous wreck and used it as an excuse to drink more. I could see myself becoming more and more less confident, more dependent on him (for some strange reason), I had no clue "where" I went!
Then after a couple of years I went "crazy" with anger at him. EVERY night I would come up to our room drunk and I would grill him, abuse him, anything I could to let him know how much I hated every bad word, every bad action he had ever made towards me. I was like the devil. I know that may sound strange, or maybe not, but I was now the "cruel, abusive person" that I hated in him.
The pathetic thing about it is that I repeated the same stories over and over again at him, night after night, year after year. I didn't even know who I was. The evil that emerged was frightening, especially to him, because I was too drunk to care. He literally begged me to get help to keep our marriage together and I still didn't care.
I thought, damn you, you'll pay for everything you've ever done wrong to me. I broke TV's, threw cell phones in the water, ripped up love letters he had given me (right in front of him), ripped beautiful jewelry off my neck and wrists, anything. Because I was angry.
When I would open my eyes in the morning, the first thoughts were horror. What did I do? What did I say? How bad was I? The cycle was too much now. I was becoming more depressed and more anxious because I was drinking more and more knowing that once I hit that point of no return, I would forget how I had acted yet just to do it all over again.
Then one day my husband brought me home a card that read on the outside "One day at a Time, One Step at a Time". On the inside he wrote "We ... can make it!" I'm begging you MaggieGail, I will be by your side, I will pray with you, I will do anything, if you can try to see what alcohol is doing to you, to us. If not, we cannot go on like this. I want "you" back. I love you, James. (By the way, I keep that card nearby all the time :)
I can't say that was the "turning point" for me, but I had been praying to God for a "sign", anything that would make me stop for even a moment, and THINK, what are you doing? So regardless if it was the card or not, I'm here, not there.
It was the next day I found you. I was scared to death, because now I knew that if I was going to release myself of alcohol, I was going to have to "look" at myself and I didn't want to, but I did (with A LOT of kneeling, praying, crying) and of course I still am, and will be for a long while I would think. I am sober today by the grace of God, I know, and the help I've been so blessed with having - the support of "you" and the person I love very much.
Today, I have an appointment with a therapist to also help channel me through some of my anger issues and how to better deal with them sober. I have a co-sponsor on line as well, which is helping me a lot. When I see her name in a message to me it makes me happy, it makes me feel a bit more at peace. What I'm learning is that in fighting this addiction there are numerous life lines out there for me. I just need to keep on grabbing on to each and every one that is thrown my way.
One Day at a Time ....
Peace and Love, MaggieGail