Stopped by the Police

[Texan]

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
 
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
 
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
 
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[johnd]

Old But Still a good John D.

[Patter]

Some advice when pulled over and the cop is doing the sobriety check and says "I want you to stand on that line and walk heel to toe along that line." Don't say, " I can't even do that when I'm sober!"
Good stuff in here. Keep 'em coming. Sorry, habitual saying.
Patter

[Hanna]

[PaigeB]

Cop: How many drinks have you had?

Drunk: One. One after the other.

[becksdad]

Alright.... this one is so stupid it's funny...

Guy was pulled over for weaving in & out of lane of traffic. The cop says " I want you to blow into this machine"
So the guy says "I can't do that".
The cop asks him "why not?" And the guy replies, "I have severe asthma, and blowing into that machine could give me severe respiratory distress".
The cop then says, "Fine, we'll go down to the hospital and get a urine sample". The guy replies, "I can't do that".
When asked why not, he replies, "I am severely diabetic, and my blood sugar could drop so low that I could go into a diabetic coma".
So then the cop says, "Then the hospital will just get a blood sample".
Again the guy says, "I can't do that, either" His explanation that time was, "I am a hemophiliac and drawing blood could kill me."
Finally, the cop says, "then just get out of the car and walk this line!"
And the guy says, "Sorry, I can't do that"
Frustrated, the cop says "And just why can't you do THAT!!??"

To which the guy replies, "'cause I'm drunk."

[Patter]

Now that's funny.

[becksdad]

This guy, obviously still drunk, wanders into an AA meeting. Both of his ears are swollen, inflamed, and blistered.

One of the people he meets asks, "oh, man, what happened to your ear?"

The drunk guy says, "somebody called on the phone, and I accidentally picked up the hot iron instead of the phone"

To which the AA responds, "Oh my God! That must have hurt!!! What happened to your other ear?"

And the drunk says, "sumbitch called back...."

[Texan]

This guy, obviously still drunk, wanders into an AA meeting. Both of his ears are swollen, inflamed, and blistered.

One of the people he meets asks, "oh, man, what happened to your ear?"

The drunk guy says, "somebody called on the phone, and I accidentally picked up the hot iron instead of the phone"

To which the AA responds, "Oh my God! That must have hurt!!! What happened to your other ear?"

And the drunk says, "sumbitch called back...."

Ba-a-a-a-a-a-adddddd.

I like it.

[Texan]

A Federal Agent Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal moonshine stills." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand me old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later, the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the Federal Agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big prize Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

[Marc L]

[quote="Texan"With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"[/quote]

Ok, where is that idiot Amateur Matador?




Marc