I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I stop

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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby avaneesh912 » Fri Dec 29, 2017 6:02 am

She is pushing me to attend AA every day of the week.


Hope she also helps you understand the 12 steps and work them so you can experience the power of the program.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby Brock » Fri Dec 29, 2017 11:16 am

If you have got to the stage where you are comfortable enough with the hugging and rubbing, that it doesn't put you off like it did at first, then that’s fine and it may just be your sponsors way. “My sponsor has me using a series of worksheets that I feel make long and complicated work out of a simple thing, but I did agree to do it her way.” Yes as you say her way, and probably she was shown the same way as well, but at least it seems like these sheets have to do with the steps, and as others have said that is what AA is all about.
She is pushing me to attend AA every day of the week.

Frequent meetings are good at the start, another reason to get the steps done, after that you probably will not feel the need for them as often. There are people, and your sponsor may be one, that even after doing the steps attend meetings every day, perhaps they have nothing more exciting to do, and going to meetings will put them in a good place to help others as well. But for the average person as we have discussed here before, meetings are not the solution the steps are, and once these are done you can decide for yourself how often you attend.

You seem to be making progress, which is really nice to see, best of luck.
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby Spirit Flower » Fri Dec 29, 2017 12:05 pm

There is a thing known as co-dependency. Some one "needs" their sponsor should realize their dependency is on the sponsor. Some day, this sponsor will pull away. It will hurt like hell. Then where is the God dependency the steps are supposed to give us?
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby BrendaChenowyth » Mon Jan 01, 2018 1:35 pm

We are not responsible for other people's feelings, EXCEPT that often times our emotions rub off on other people.

Sometimes when we are struggling to find the right way of putting things, that discomfort comes across as irritability, which the person we're speaking to naturally thinks is about them. You're probably afraid of coming across as a Expletive if you're honest with this woman because in the past people have thought you were a Expletive in similar situations. The tension in your voice and body language was perceived as animosity. If you are relaxed and mention something in an offhand way and then move on, it wouldn't sound Expletive.

Edit: Please sub out expletive with catty or mean lol
Last edited by BrendaChenowyth on Mon Jan 01, 2018 1:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby BrendaChenowyth » Mon Jan 01, 2018 1:47 pm

Your post goes on quite a bit about your appearance and what you perceive others think of you. I relate to you a lot.

In fact, the women who judge you are probably new to AA and still spend an awful lot of time judging themselves. They probably spend very little time thinking about you, they're self-absorbed, we all are in earlier sobriety. If they act as if they dislike you, that's probably how they treat everyone, and like I said, that's a reflection of low self-esteem. It's not about you. In most cases, it's in your head.

I understand not being comfortable with physical contact with people you don't know, especially if you grew up in a family that didn't hug.

Know that the women in these rooms, especially the home group members, want to give you a hug because they love you and are happy to see you.

I know you don't believe me yet, but AA women share such a deep bond, it's the one place I can walk in to and feel at home and totally loved.
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby stella1976 » Wed Jan 03, 2018 5:09 pm

BrendaChenowyth wrote:Your post goes on quite a bit about your appearance and what you perceive others think of you. I relate to you a lot.

In fact, the women who judge you are probably new to AA and still spend an awful lot of time judging themselves. They probably spend very little time thinking about you, they're self-absorbed, we all are in earlier sobriety. If they act as if they dislike you, that's probably how they treat everyone, and like I said, that's a reflection of low self-esteem. It's not about you. In most cases, it's in your head.

I understand not being comfortable with physical contact with people you don't know, especially if you grew up in a family that didn't hug.

Know that the women in these rooms, especially the home group members, want to give you a hug because they love you and are happy to see you.

I know you don't believe me yet, but AA women share such a deep bond, it's the one place I can walk in to and feel at home and totally loved.

I feel like I'm doing so much to try and enjoy recovery and I'm just not...I feel so depressed and basically am feeling all the feelings that drove me to drink in the first place. I feel like I have no reason to be unhappy. I have every reason to smile and be happy. But yet...I'm so miserable.I am working the steps with my sponsor.When I am feeling stressed, blue, or overwhelmed, I will dress up a bit more than usual (which is already 'up' for this cummunity my AA all female group), and put more time and effort into my hair and make up. I think it's part of the 'fake it til you make it' mentality that I have adopted. If I look pretty, it helps me to feel a little better.And very often, to cheer myself up, I'll wear red.Btw, that doesn't mean I'm always down when I wear red, just that sometimes red is my way of subconsciously sending myself positive messages. It puts me in better spirits when I look fab. It helps me feel fab on less fab days.I always dress up when I'm feeling down.In fact I think the more down I feel the more I dress up, put make up and such.Partly because it's the fake till you make mentality, partly because I have no patience for feeling sorry for myself.I definitely feel better and more competent/capable of getting through the day if I dress up a little extra on the days when I don't feel good, but have something pretty important going on.I've been doing a lot of that lately.The more down I feel the more I dress up, put make up and such.If I'm mildly blue, I will indeed take more care with my appearance, in an effort to banish or soothe the mood. It helps!I'm confident that I look good in my clothes my style is "sexy but classy" I don't believe I have ever offended or embarrased myself or anyone with my wardrobe.I am a very classy woman and i would never dress in a cheap trashy way.I just find looking in the mirror and seeing something I like always helps when nothing else seemed to be going well.
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby Brock » Wed Jan 03, 2018 7:29 pm

I just find looking in the mirror and seeing something I like always helps when nothing else seemed to be going well.

There is nothing wrong with dressing up to feel better, keep working on those steps, the main purpose of the program is a spiritual awakening. When you have that, you will look in the mirror and see something you like and love, even as you get out of bed in the morning, with hair all over the place and no makeup. Very good that you are working on the steps, keep it up.
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby Dee487 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 7:44 am

I know this is an old topic but it has caught my eye, as a woman who is sexy and sober I don't allow anyone to steal my joy. I am not a touchy feely kinda chick, so I have told men and women that, and hugs are not requirement, only the desire not to drink, please don't allow anyone in or out of AA to keep you from getting sober and staying sober. We need you in the drenches, to stand next to each other on the path... Our path is huge....
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby BrendaChenowyth » Sat Jan 06, 2018 9:06 am

stella1976 wrote:
BrendaChenowyth wrote:Your post goes on quite a bit about your appearance and what you perceive others think of you. I relate to you a lot.

In fact, the women who judge you are probably new to AA and still spend an awful lot of time judging themselves. They probably spend very little time thinking about you, they're self-absorbed, we all are in earlier sobriety. If they act as if they dislike you, that's probably how they treat everyone, and like I said, that's a reflection of low self-esteem. It's not about you. In most cases, it's in your head.

I understand not being comfortable with physical contact with people you don't know, especially if you grew up in a family that didn't hug.

Know that the women in these rooms, especially the home group members, want to give you a hug because they love you and are happy to see you.

I know you don't believe me yet, but AA women share such a deep bond, it's the one place I can walk in to and feel at home and totally loved.

I feel like I'm doing so much to try and enjoy recovery and I'm just not...I feel so depressed and basically am feeling all the feelings that drove me to drink in the first place. I feel like I have no reason to be unhappy. I have every reason to smile and be happy. But yet...I'm so miserable.I am working the steps with my sponsor.When I am feeling stressed, blue, or overwhelmed, I will dress up a bit more than usual (which is already 'up' for this cummunity my AA all female group), and put more time and effort into my hair and make up. I think it's part of the 'fake it til you make it' mentality that I have adopted. If I look pretty, it helps me to feel a little better.And very often, to cheer myself up, I'll wear red.Btw, that doesn't mean I'm always down when I wear red, just that sometimes red is my way of subconsciously sending myself positive messages. It puts me in better spirits when I look fab. It helps me feel fab on less fab days.I always dress up when I'm feeling down.In fact I think the more down I feel the more I dress up, put make up and such.Partly because it's the fake till you make mentality, partly because I have no patience for feeling sorry for myself.I definitely feel better and more competent/capable of getting through the day if I dress up a little extra on the days when I don't feel good, but have something pretty important going on.I've been doing a lot of that lately.The more down I feel the more I dress up, put make up and such.If I'm mildly blue, I will indeed take more care with my appearance, in an effort to banish or soothe the mood. It helps!I'm confident that I look good in my clothes my style is "sexy but classy" I don't believe I have ever offended or embarrased myself or anyone with my wardrobe.I am a very classy woman and i would never dress in a cheap trashy way.I just find looking in the mirror and seeing something I like always helps when nothing else seemed to be going well.

I notice throughout that paragraph.. you don't say as much as it would seem like you're saying. You just repeat one idea over and over and over and over.. Instead of just saying it once. "I feel better if I look nice". Who are you trying to convince?
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby Chelle » Sat Jan 06, 2018 12:11 pm

Hi Stella,
I understand wanting to look and feel pretty. I have personally never been able to fix my internal condition by polishing up the external. (and I'm a girly girl who takes pride in my appearance). =wink It might have helped me feel better for a short period, but at the end of the day/night when my clothes need laundered and the make up removed, there I am. An alcoholic in need of a solution.

Everything in AA is an inside job. Keep working the steps and talking to your sponsor. My ego tells me I need to be the prettiest girl in the room. It's all b.s. I am here to be of maximum service and help others to recover from alcoholism. If I'm having a good hair day, that's a bonus!

When I first started going to meetings, I felt like I needed to be perfect. Hair, outfit, the works. I needed everyone to like me, and tell me I'm lovely and think I had it all together. The truth is my life was a mess or I wouldn't be at an AA meeting and everybody knows it.

I hope you feel better soon.
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby stella1976 » Tue Mar 13, 2018 6:15 pm

BrendaChenowyth wrote:Your post goes on quite a bit about your appearance and what you perceive others think of you. I relate to you a lot.

In fact, the women who judge you are probably new to AA and still spend an awful lot of time judging themselves. They probably spend very little time thinking about you, they're self-absorbed, we all are in earlier sobriety. If they act as if they dislike you, that's probably how they treat everyone, and like I said, that's a reflection of low self-esteem. It's not about you. In most cases, it's in your head.

I understand not being comfortable with physical contact with people you don't know, especially if you grew up in a family that didn't hug.

Know that the women in these rooms, especially the home group members, want to give you a hug because they love you and are happy to see you.

I know you don't believe me yet, but AA women share such a deep bond, it's the one place I can walk in to and feel at home and totally loved.

Doe's your sponsor give assignments out of the blue. My sponsor had me go through every piece of AA literature and highlight the word "must" wherever it showed up. Don't get me wrong, I love these cooky assignments. I think there fun, bring it on!! And my sponsor does. Also my sponsor borrowed money( 1,000 thousand dollars)from me and still hasn't paid me back. I offered the loan, by the way. The problem I have is that she keeps telling me she will pay me back when she gets her next paycheck then flakes. It has been a good month since I loaned her the money so this routine is getting a little old. I'm not in dire need of the money, by the way, just disgusted with this 'flaking'. This woman took me under her wing from day one. I am grateful for this. She has taught me a lot about sobriety and the steps and has been helpful. She is pushing me to attend AA every day of the week, and if I don't attend one day , she is not very understanding, and I feel guilty. I basically have no life except AA, work and chores/errands. I also work full time and i'm also a single mom. With laundry (all household chores), cooking dinner and lunches, it can get really tough. But it's all worth it in the end.

I just go there straight from work. If i feel tired and lazy, too bad, i go, when i get there i'm always glad i went. It doesn't occur to me anymore NOT to go. It's just part of my life.

the hardest part for me is sitting in traffic for up to 45min when it should be a 10min drive just to get to the AA meetings from work. grrrr...

that's how it works for me. .I feel much better when I dress up and present myself as the best I can be.Dressing up makes me feel good because it makes me feel like i can do anything.I love my height and my curvy stature. I love satin and silk clothes and dressing up too. I am always in high heels with hair and makeup done. That's just who I am.I love dressing up, I've tried dressing down, but I always end up changing.
my clothes are there to be worn! Again, the step work I have been doing with my sponsor has been great and she definitely seems to live the AA way of life in a lot of ways. When it comes to AA and the steps themselves, she is very good with all of that. She always hates how I am indirect with her about things. I guess that is true. She seems to treat me like some little kid sometimes. She behaves so touchy. It's just the obsessive touching me. Like she can't keep away from me. Even outside of AA meetings she has to have her hands on me anywhere. But i am okay with that.It is not a real big deal for me at all. She is harmless. She is tiny short skinny 55year old woman. Standing next to her i look like a giant. I hold hands and link arms with my sponsor all the time. I often hold hands with her, whether I'm waiting with her outside talking and we're just standing there holding hands or whether we're walking. Linked fingers, sometimes. I don't find it such a big deal. She always links arms with me and walks leaning into me. I get bodywork from my sponsor daily after the meetings. She does work on freeing up energy in my body which is sort of like a very gentle massage while i am standing. It's completely changed my life. I find myself more calm, secure, and generally happy. It give me mini experiences of what normally would freak me out and it leaves me ending feeling more whole. I am at step 2 right now and I keep telling her I want to move forward to step 3 and she keeps telling me i'm not ready. I'm willing to do what's necessary to stay sober. In addition to meetings she's now having me call her at least 3 times a day (once in the morning, once on my lunch break, and once before bed). I find myself wanting to talk to her about all the stuff that goes on in my head. I think it's ok that I trust her and that she's become an important part of my life and recovery. I'm grateful for her and all she's done for me. On the down side, my sponsor tends to be controlling. As in if I don't do it her way, then I get a new sponsor. She demands that I run every decision I make by her before making it. When I offer an opinion on pretty much anything she shuts me down and fast. The message is constant "you need to completely change your thinking about absolutely everything...not some things but everything. Just be quiet and listen". She is very controlling, rigid and no nonsense about "how it works" and how one should work their program, and makes a point of pointing it out whenever she feels someone is lacking in one area of their program. I'm OK with this.
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby positrac » Wed Mar 14, 2018 2:36 am

You know just because we are sober doesn't mean we are ALL angels with wings! I made this pact with myself 30 years ago after a good burn from some nit-wit I worked with and I gave him money and in return they'd pay me back. You can figure how it ended..... A grand in my opinion is not a lite request in my world and so loaning that IMHO is more than just a gift unless you already mentally made it a gift! I want to stress that resentments can get us drunk! NO is a powerful word and it is a word if used correctly can empower you. You have to have boundaries and we/you/them shouldn't be door mats because of fear and or some kind of "I feel obligated" because you aren't!

You aren't going to like this one as I am a male-----> Nothing better than an attractive women who can make us guys drool with envy..... :oops: Modesty is also important because time and places are the key and I'll leave it at the door. Your sobriety comes with education and learning new ways to live and how to manage those ways of living. When I drank I used a lot of time up drunk and when I got sober I had to learn to manage those hours better and to keep my mind occupied so that the stinking wouldn't hinder my thinking. Being a single mom is hard work even in the best conditions and time for you is necessary and yet keeping balance is also a learned trait. I suck at that balance and other folks have it mastered.

You keep bringing up the physical aspects of your sponsor with the closeness and I think it bothers you and I mention this because it has been in most every post you have provided and it seems uncomfortable and maybe territorial of sorts. The women here understand this way better than I do. I am a "keep your cotton picking hands off me" until I know you better kind of guy and :arrow: No man is going to be doing none of what you have posted on me----ever!

I am not judging you and I am merely responding to your post(s) and empowerment is vital to our well being and our success and you deserve some good things in life and they will come as you work the steps, grow in sobriety, and just change in general. So keep coming back and be good to yourself and your family and keep smiling.
Work hard, stay positive, and get up early. It's the best part of the day.
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby stella1976 » Wed Mar 14, 2018 12:19 pm

positrac wrote:You know just because we are sober doesn't mean we are ALL angels with wings! I made this pact with myself 30 years ago after a good burn from some nit-wit I worked with and I gave him money and in return they'd pay me back. You can figure how it ended..... A grand in my opinion is not a lite request in my world and so loaning that IMHO is more than just a gift unless you already mentally made it a gift! I want to stress that resentments can get us drunk! NO is a powerful word and it is a word if used correctly can empower you. You have to have boundaries and we/you/them shouldn't be door mats because of fear and or some kind of "I feel obligated" because you aren't!

You aren't going to like this one as I am a male-----> Nothing better than an attractive women who can make us guys drool with envy..... :oops: Modesty is also important because time and places are the key and I'll leave it at the door. Your sobriety comes with education and learning new ways to live and how to manage those ways of living. When I drank I used a lot of time up drunk and when I got sober I had to learn to manage those hours better and to keep my mind occupied so that the stinking wouldn't hinder my thinking. Being a single mom is hard work even in the best conditions and time for you is necessary and yet keeping balance is also a learned trait. I suck at that balance and other folks have it mastered.

You keep bringing up the physical aspects of your sponsor with the closeness and I think it bothers you and I mention this because it has been in most every post you have provided and it seems uncomfortable and maybe territorial of sorts. The women here understand this way better than I do. I am a "keep your cotton picking hands off me" until I know you better kind of guy and :arrow: No man is going to be doing none of what you have posted on me----ever!

I am not judging you and I am merely responding to your post(s) and empowerment is vital to our well being and our success and you deserve some good things in life and they will come as you work the steps, grow in sobriety, and just change in general. So keep coming back and be good to yourself and your family and keep smiling.

Trust is a fundamental necessity in my relationship with my sponsor. If trust is missing, the relationship is useless for both of us, in my opinion. My sponsor has taught me things and instilled in me the things that I have never been able to accomplish on my own or in any other way. And, when I do follow the directions, my life seems to get better and better. I would just like to thank my Sponsor for all that she has done for me, all that she does for me, and for all that she does for Alcoholics Anonymous.
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby stella1976 » Wed Mar 14, 2018 6:12 pm

positrac wrote:You know just because we are sober doesn't mean we are ALL angels with wings! I made this pact with myself 30 years ago after a good burn from some nit-wit I worked with and I gave him money and in return they'd pay me back. You can figure how it ended..... A grand in my opinion is not a lite request in my world and so loaning that IMHO is more than just a gift unless you already mentally made it a gift! I want to stress that resentments can get us drunk! NO is a powerful word and it is a word if used correctly can empower you. You have to have boundaries and we/you/them shouldn't be door mats because of fear and or some kind of "I feel obligated" because you aren't!

You aren't going to like this one as I am a male-----> Nothing better than an attractive women who can make us guys drool with envy..... :oops: Modesty is also important because time and places are the key and I'll leave it at the door. Your sobriety comes with education and learning new ways to live and how to manage those ways of living. When I drank I used a lot of time up drunk and when I got sober I had to learn to manage those hours better and to keep my mind occupied so that the stinking wouldn't hinder my thinking. Being a single mom is hard work even in the best conditions and time for you is necessary and yet keeping balance is also a learned trait. I suck at that balance and other folks have it mastered.

You keep bringing up the physical aspects of your sponsor with the closeness and I think it bothers you and I mention this because it has been in most every post you have provided and it seems uncomfortable and maybe territorial of sorts. The women here understand this way better than I do. I am a "keep your cotton picking hands off me" until I know you better kind of guy and :arrow: No man is going to be doing none of what you have posted on me----ever!

I am not judging you and I am merely responding to your post(s) and empowerment is vital to our well being and our success and you deserve some good things in life and they will come as you work the steps, grow in sobriety, and just change in general. So keep coming back and be good to yourself and your family and keep smiling.

Admittedly, I was initially not "comfortable" being touched, hugged and held by this woman my sponsor, but I guess somewhere in my brain, I WANTED to be comfortable being hugged and held and somehow recognized that she could get me through this. I knew a hug SHOULD be comforting, I guess. It's not something we've ever actually discussed in depth, but it has gradually become a huge part of my work with her.

Now during the meetings she sits next to me, usually with her arm around my waist and her head on my shoulder. I have lived my whole life putting extra space between me and everyone else, both physically and emotionally, and all the sudden it just dawned on me how wonderful it is to be hugged, when it's coming from a safe place. I think that touch often communicates things in a way that is much more powerful than words. Especially because I dissociate a lot and words seem far away. I think for me, it has made me realize that touch is important in my life (and I don't get enough of it currently). And I think it has also made me feel that I am loveable as a person. I googled hugging and found oxytocin. They used to say kids needed 10 hugs a day for optimal growth. I went from feeling pretty awkward about it to feeling like I know this woman my sponsor and she knows me. My sponsor rubs my back all the time. Also we hold hands while walking. Part of the reason it works for me is because my sponsor is a short skinny 55year old female. There is a ton of maternal transference in there, for sure. There is no way on this green earth I would ever allow a male sponsor to hold me, hug me, or even come near me. I would honestly never even consider HAVING a male sponsor. Sometimes my sponsor is rude, even nasty towards me. I have taken just about all of her suggestions, because I believe she has some soundness of mind while I am still working on it. We keep our business to step work for the most part. My sponsor is dedicated, I want what she has, so I listen carefully to what she has to say.
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