I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I stop

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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby stella1976 » Fri Nov 24, 2017 6:36 pm

tomsteve wrote:stella, you are allowed to set boundaries. and you dont have to be concerned with what others think of you. what others think of you is their own problem. you are allowed to stand up for yourself- it just takes some courage. if she gets offended by you protecting yourself,thats her problem.
courage is an amazing thing to have and use.

ive gone to meetings after a day of wrenchin on cars. all greased up. dirt/grease on my hands even after washing. ive had negative comments about it. the comments seriously stopped one day when someone brought it up before the meeting and i said," are you willing to come over and lend a hand with what im workin on so i can get cleaned up better beforehand? "
amazingly, no offer to help.

I just got home from the AA meeting.Before the meeting i I went to say hi to a this touchy feely woman and I extended my arm to give her a hand shake but she came at me with a hug that lingered.Later I was standing next to her and she held me around the waist.During the meeting she was sitting behind me resting her hands on my shoulders and rubbing my back and shoulders.This woman always feels the need to rub my back .I don't want to make a fuss because I don't want to upset her.I am so afraid of rejection by the group.This woman greeted me on my first meeting. Made sure I had her number and some other women's numbers.She suggested
I volunteer to make coffee. It was a great idea because women would approach me
to thank me for my service. I didn't speak for my first 3 meetings and had trouble speaking for a bit after that. When I finally started talking, I had the feeling that everything coming out of my mouth was stupid. I was reassured time and again by this touchy feely huggy woman that this was not the case. Slowly that sunk in... that even if it was not what I wanted to say, it was always something that someone needed to hear. My shares are still less than 5 minutes , but I'm not self conscious about them anymore.Also, it was suggested to me by this touchy feely huggy woman to sit up front. She said that is where i will meet women that have got some time together and some the same as myself. When I sat up front I couldn't see the other women while talking. When I was in the back, I'd raise my hand to speak and all of a sudden there were 10 sets of eyes turned back looking at me. When I first started AA, I had a hard time putting myself out there as I was shy and scared. This touchy feely woman was the first to say Hi and Welcome .I'm a very private person (can ya believe it? *LOL*) and had a hard time fitting in with the women in my group.
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby Chelle » Fri Nov 24, 2017 8:08 pm

Hi Stella,
If that was happening to me, I would ask if I could speak to her alone for a moment and pull her off to the side. I would thank her for how welcome she has made me feel, and tell her straight out that all of this physical contact makes me very uncomfortable. I would tell her it is me and not her.

There comes a point where I am responsible when I am allowing another person to make me feel uncomfortable. If I am not speaking up and being honest the behavior will continue I do not have to allow another person to make me feel violated just to spare their feelings. I would be surprised if you are the only one that this has happened to.

You don't have to be chased away from your meeting. Just keep being kind and smile as you normally would. Don't treat her any different except for all the touching. If she doesn't like it, that's on her. Personal boundaries are very healthy
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby stella1976 » Sun Nov 26, 2017 4:47 pm

Chelle wrote:Hi Stella,
If that was happening to me, I would ask if I could speak to her alone for a moment and pull her off to the side. I would thank her for how welcome she has made me feel, and tell her straight out that all of this physical contact makes me very uncomfortable. I would tell her it is me and not her.

There comes a point where I am responsible when I am allowing another person to make me feel uncomfortable. If I am not speaking up and being honest the behavior will continue I do not have to allow another person to make me feel violated just to spare their feelings. I would be surprised if you are the only one that this has happened to.

You don't have to be chased away from your meeting. Just keep being kind and smile as you normally would. Don't treat her any different except for all the touching. If she doesn't like it, that's on her. Personal boundaries are very healthy

I am already seeing some positive changes in my life.I now no long wake up feeling like crap, I am not yelling at my daughter, small things are minor now and not blown out of proportion. I feel like I am actually caring about people more too.The mood lability. Feel good. Feel bad. Up. Down. Laugh. Cry.
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby D'oh » Sun Nov 26, 2017 6:02 pm

I am already seeing some positive changes in my life.I now no long wake up feeling like crap, I am not yelling at my daughter, small things are minor now and not blown out of proportion. I feel like I am actually caring about people more too.The mood lability. Feel good. Feel bad. Up. Down. Laugh. Cry.


Life, use to be what as happening when we were trying to arrange every thing else.

I have to Slow Down, and enjoy the "Trudging the Road of Happy Destiny" The "Happy" part is happening all around me. I just have to see what My part is.
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby PaigeB » Mon Nov 27, 2017 3:19 pm

stella1976 wrote:I am already seeing some positive changes in my life.I now no long wake up feeling like crap, I am not yelling at my daughter, small things are minor now and not blown out of proportion. I feel like I am actually caring about people more too.The mood lability. Feel good. Feel bad. Up. Down. Laugh. Cry.

That is great! Now apply this same balance to hugging at the meeting. Not a big deal to hug and not a big deal to not hug.

I am doing a 2nd much more through 4th step... I have found that what I think is sometimes the opposite of reality. This woman you speak of was the first to walk up and say Welcome. Be glad she did! We sometimes have to tolerate others and I am working on that part A LOT. I don't have to love them - there is balance. For me, the solution was to focus on the gratitude and not the fears... on the similarities rather than the differences.

Never forget that first Welcome you got. My sponsor would likely position me at the door with my hand out for the next six months! Doing what I fear... it works!
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby stella1976 » Wed Nov 29, 2017 6:02 pm

PaigeB wrote:
stella1976 wrote:I am already seeing some positive changes in my life.I now no long wake up feeling like crap, I am not yelling at my daughter, small things are minor now and not blown out of proportion. I feel like I am actually caring about people more too.The mood lability. Feel good. Feel bad. Up. Down. Laugh. Cry.

That is great! Now apply this same balance to hugging at the meeting. Not a big deal to hug and not a big deal to not hug.

I am doing a 2nd much more through 4th step... I have found that what I think is sometimes the opposite of reality. This woman you speak of was the first to walk up and say Welcome. Be glad she did! We sometimes have to tolerate others and I am working on that part A LOT. I don't have to love them - there is balance. For me, the solution was to focus on the gratitude and not the fears... on the similarities rather than the differences.

Never forget that first Welcome you got. My sponsor would likely position me at the door with my hand out for the next six months! Doing what I fear... it works!

Ijust got home from the AA meeting.This woman hugged me from behind when I was sitting down and stroked my collar bones before moving to my shoulders.During the meeting she was sitting behind me and she was rubbing my shoulders and back.After the meeting she hugged me, she pulled me very close and hugged me tight pressing her face on my breasts and rubbing my lower back with her hands for what seemed like a long time .I just can't say no to this woman.She is important to me.This touchy feely huggy short skinny woman was the first to walk up and say Welcome to me.I was thinking a lot and i realized that from my perspective,she is invasive . But all she really wants to do is connect' supporting me and comforting me; she means no malevolence.When she hug me I usually go stiff and don't hug her back. I feel awkward with hugging, and I feel terrible when I don't hug her back.Now within my region this is the only all female group. I love the meetings.AA is a huge part of my sobriety so it is a huge issue to me.It's a good place for me to be! It helps because it is on my work to home route.I am just stopping there on my way home from work. I usually go three times a week. They're awesome meetings.I always feel better afterwards.They are a good thing. Very little swearing, by the way.I can tell when I need a meeting, lol, I start to get pretty wound up after a few days without. Vulnerable to take a drink. I need to be reminded to be humble and grateful I guess.One thing I think is critical in sobriety is to avoid isolation. For me AA is the solution for this problem.
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Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby waller_alkie » Thu Nov 30, 2017 9:46 am

I am so glad that you are finding peace in AA and want to continue to attend meetings. What I am going to suggest has helped me to address concerns such as yours in an open and cathartic way:
Bring it up in the meeting. Bring it up as your topic, because it is affecting/concerning your sobriety. You do not have to call anyone out, simply say that you are uncomfortable with being touched and have literally considered not coming to the meeting anymore because of it, and you want to just put it out there. Let everyone say their piece, too. You'll be amazed, because they will also get a chance to say that they are maybe feeling that way, too, but were afraid to say it! You might be doing someone else a favor, too.

I've never had this approach fail me - ESPECIALLY in a Women's Meeting.
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
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