I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I stop

For recovery discussion

I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I stop

Postby stella1976 » Tue Nov 21, 2017 5:29 pm

I am divorced since august 2015.After my divorce i developed a drinking problem.Now I am a little over 3 months sober and have been going to all female AA meetings straight from work 3 times a week over the past 2 months. I enjoy the meetings and I feel like I do get something out of them, so I keep coming back, but I have always struggled with all of the hugging and touching by one woman that occurs before and after the meetings.She is a 55year old skinny really short like 5ft3 wrinkled face thin lips green eyes grayhaired masculine woman. This may seem odd, but any type of physical contact with another person and especially with a stranger makes me extremely uncomfortable. At the same time, I am able to "fake it till you make it" and go along with this gesture out of a desire to not appear like a stuck up arrogant snob. And at the end of the day I know that a simple hug will not cause me any great harm. But it is still extremely uncomfortable for me, and I feel that I have to subject myself to unwanted physical contact by this woman. Other 9 women at A A group seem to think that I'm arrogant stuck up upper middle class snob. I probably seem stuck-up.I am a 41year old 5ft10 tall heterosexual curvy hourgllass shaped attractive brunette.I I like dressing well, and looking presentable. I don't dress slutty at all. My boobs are 32 f bra size though and I do have a big butt. My hourglass shape is unique and i am tall, and I appreciate that.If you are curvy, tall and busty, many clothes tend to look sexier on you than on a thin person. So things that fit properly that are relatively conservative can be suddenly too revealing and sexy when you put it on. This happens to me a lot.I wear almost always my satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. I prefer wearing satin pants and a little shorter satin skirts, always above knees, sometimes even quite much, but not any miniskirts anyway. I am always on high heels and full make up on.I am always in tight form fitting satin and silk clothes. I am a stylish person.I usually stay away from anything too revealing.I am describing myself because i want you to know the complexity of the situation.People have told me that I look unapproachable and stuck up.Alot of people (females in general) pre-dislike me, unto they get to know me and find out that I'm a friendly person and not stuck on myself at all. Men often ask my friends if I am stuck up and they tell them no I'm nice and friendly. I'm not at all shy, but I tend to be quiet if I'm around people I don't know. I'm the kind of person that only speaks if I have something to say and I keep my business to myself.This woman started touching me and hugging me on my first day at the A A group.She started patting and rubbing my back,wrap her hands around my waist, tight from behind and hugging me (for no reason).My question is how is the best way I can let this woman know this, that its nothing personal, but I would prefer not to be hugged. I have been trying this by extending my hand to do a handshake, but she do not get the hint and will hug me anyways. Usually when this short skinny woman who shouldn't be touching me try to...I just kinda... let her do the touching,rubbing and hugging , but I basically just sit/stand pretty stiffly.She seems harmless to me.I am physically stronger than her i am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.She is like 5ft2 tall skinny.I am always on high heels she is always in flat shoes.Standing next to me she looks like a midget.I know she means well and is not preying on me but I'm honestly the kind of person who jumps if you accidentally brush knees with me, so it's all a little weird for me.
The biggest thing that is holding me back are worries of offending this woman or getting rejected by the group or being looked at as a stuck up snob. "I mean its just a hug right, whats the harm in that", etc.I would hate for this to be the reason I stop going to AA meetings.I just go there straight from work three times a week.It is on my route from work to home. I find these meetings helpful.The way I see it these meetings help me stay sober and I'm not going to let something like this prevent me from accessing it. I have 14year old daughter. I was married for 13 years.I need to stay sober.
stella1976
Forums Newcomer
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Nov 21, 2017 3:51 pm

Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby Spirit Flower » Tue Nov 21, 2017 6:06 pm

Welcome to this forum.

I have had to fend off guys; and if I need to be a little rude I am. And I stay away from them.
Same tactics would work for a woman.

In general, you should also attend some mixed gender meetings. The guys have some great information about sobriety which you won't get from womens meetings.
...a score card reading zero...
User avatar
Spirit Flower
Trusted Servant
 
Posts: 1749
Joined: Fri Feb 09, 2007 5:49 am
Location: Texas

Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby positrac » Tue Nov 21, 2017 6:13 pm

From a people point I don't blame you for being cautious and not eager for hugs and whatnot. Faking it to we make it is a real deal and can make us stronger in time.

Maybe honesty is the best medicine because you have the right to hold your ground and the last thing you need is to leave the meeting and or get a resentment over this as this can get you drunk. The other is principles before personalities and I am not saying hugs are principles because that is not the case. Looking stand off for me is my defense I have used to keep distance until I decided I was ready to accept life. I hate shaking hands as I just feel violated and my comfort zone is being challenged. So the question is this just between my ears? So we all have funny things that keep us guarded.

I know the women here can be of better help than I and I hope you'll find some inner clarity because to thy own self be true.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
Hopi Proverb
User avatar
positrac
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 1135
Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2014 4:03 am

Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby stella1976 » Wed Nov 22, 2017 2:19 am

Spirit Flower wrote:Welcome to this forum.

I have had to fend off guys; and if I need to be a little rude I am. And I stay away from them.
Same tactics would work for a woman.

In general, you should also attend some mixed gender meetings. The guys have some great information about sobriety which you won't get from womens meetings.

I am new and needy in the program.I feel vulnerable.I don't want to go to mixed gender meetings.AA strongly recommends no dating at all the first year of recovery and strongly disapproves of dating within the group.I need to concentrate on myself , and only myself,to stay sober. I think being single would be good for me.I have SO much shame because of the awful things I have done while drunk. I've been in so many situations for the past two years where my heavy drinking led to me being taken advantage of . I made myself vulnerable.By the end of my drinking days I was terrified of having sex but being blacked out. I would wake up in a panic to see my self fully clothed but in bed with a "friend". The shame I felt for continuously putting myself in that situation was awful. It eventually made me stop. But when I did fool around I was drunk. I feel like I gave something away I should have kept.Since my divorce I slept with a different men I cared nothing about. I woke up naked in bed with someone and did not remember any of it.What hurt me the most though was my drinking and living "life in the fast lane." I thought I was so sophisticated.Sipping $30 martinis at fancy bars and sleeping with guys younger than me.I bounced from man to man. On the rare occasion that a guy was actually NICE to me and cared about me I kicked him to the curb. My mentality was...my ex husband have hurt me, so I am just going to use men for my own needs.The way I behaved sexually has caused me a lot of angst and tears. I'm not sleeping with anyone right now.
stella1976
Forums Newcomer
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Nov 21, 2017 3:51 pm

Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby D'oh » Wed Nov 22, 2017 6:16 am

Try doing a Meeting Blindfolded and listen. Men's Women's, it doesn't matter, they all have something to share. Some may have gone through the exact same thing, they can share how they got through it.

I still can't recite Heights, let alone Eye Color of the opposite sex members, let alone same sex members.

Go to a Meeting in your Yard Cleaning clothes, and without make up, but clean your ears and listen.
D'oh
Forums Long Timer
 
Posts: 721
Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2015 10:51 am

Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby avaneesh912 » Wed Nov 22, 2017 8:51 am

My question is how is the best way I can let this woman know this, that its nothing personal, but I would prefer not to be hugged


You can politely stretch your hands, there is no set rules that you have to hug. I don't hug. I lend my hand. I dont care what others think. You can take her out for coffee and gently explain that you are not comfortable. That is perfectly fine, problem arises when you raise your voice and your tone will show that you are coming at her at a angry place. Even from the words you chose when you right shows whether you are in a normal state. I was on a financial forum decades ago at the peak of my disease. He would ask me why am I so angry reading my post. I never saw that because of my egoic stance.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
User avatar
avaneesh912
Trusted Servant
 
Posts: 4642
Joined: Fri May 30, 2008 12:22 pm
Location: Atlanta, GA

Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby Roberth » Wed Nov 22, 2017 10:09 am

You can politely stretch your hands, there is no set rules that you have to hug. I don't hug. I lend my hand. I don't care what others think.


Avaneesh has the best solution for you. As for me I do hug but not just anyone. If I am offered a hug a accept it if not I extend my hand and that is to both men and women.
Robert
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in pretty, well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming WOW What a ride!!!!
User avatar
Roberth
Forums Long Timer
 
Posts: 630
Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2008 2:53 pm
Location: In The High Desert of California

Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby Brock » Wed Nov 22, 2017 10:45 am

I agree with the no need to hug advise, I don’t like it myself and handshake is my greeting.

My home group is basically all female and just two men, some pretty sharp looking ladies as well. This problem is quite common in AA - “The way I behaved sexually has caused me a lot of angst and tears” - among men as well as women. When we do our fourth step inventory one of the subjects is sex, we must not be ashamed or afraid to list the worse, and speak about it with the person we choose for step five. You will be amazed at the relief to be found after doing this, the book speaks of this feeling -
Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the universe.

You will be able to forgive yourself for past misdeeds of any type, and as you progress in the program find that they just disappear from memory. AA is not just about stopping drinking, it’s about finding a life so good that the thought of a drink does not exist. It’s nice to have you here, best of luck.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
User avatar
Brock
Forums Coordinator
 
Posts: 3168
Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2012 1:45 pm

Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby stella1976 » Wed Nov 22, 2017 12:45 pm

avaneesh912 wrote:
My question is how is the best way I can let this woman know this, that its nothing personal, but I would prefer not to be hugged


You can politely stretch your hands, there is no set rules that you have to hug. I don't hug. I lend my hand. I dont care what others think. You can take her out for coffee and gently explain that you are not comfortable. That is perfectly fine, problem arises when you raise your voice and your tone will show that you are coming at her at a angry place. Even from the words you chose when you right shows whether you are in a normal state. I was on a financial forum decades ago at the peak of my disease. He would ask me why am I so angry reading my post. I never saw that because of my egoic stance.

Whenever this woman wants to hug me, I go along with it.This woman is a squeeze hugger that lasts too long in a vice grip.AA is important to me ,so I'm willing to sit/stand out the awkward touching and hugging by her.Also because she is really short and i am tall always when she is hugging me she is pressing her face on my breasts and she is accidentally coping a feel of my butt. Slowly but surely I began to see the importance of attending AA meetings. It’s my source of serenity for which another 24-hour period of sobriety rests on. I know that I am thankful that there is a program for women like me, where we can share our stories and how the solution works in our lives.I need the program!
stella1976
Forums Newcomer
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Nov 21, 2017 3:51 pm

Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby PaigeB » Wed Nov 22, 2017 12:59 pm

We have to re-learn how to take care of ourselves in AA. Seriously. Tell her that you prefer a handshake. You can wait until after the hug, stick your hand out and TELL HER. Do this for your LIFE. If you do not, you will get a resentment against a woman who is probably a great person with a lot of good stuff to offer!
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
User avatar
PaigeB
Trusted Servant
 
Posts: 10392
Joined: Fri Jun 24, 2011 12:28 pm
Location: Iowa USA

Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby stella1976 » Wed Nov 22, 2017 2:24 pm

PaigeB wrote:We have to re-learn how to take care of ourselves in AA. Seriously. Tell her that you prefer a handshake. You can wait until after the hug, stick your hand out and TELL HER. Do this for your LIFE. If you do not, you will get a resentment against a woman who is probably a great person with a lot of good stuff to offer!

This woman seems harmless to me.I am physically stronger than her i am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.She is like 5ft3 tall skinny, tiny 55year old woman .I am always on high heels she is always in flat shoes.Standing next to me she looks like a midget.Also she doesn't look threatening.She is always hugging me around my waist.Sometimes several hugs in a row.She also always place her hand on my hip at the side when i stand beside her.I am towering over all women group members.Now don't get me wrong.I can't just punch her in the face.I have never been in a fight my whole life.I am afraid of any kind of physical altercation.This woman is very supportive of me.She is been very helpful.
stella1976
Forums Newcomer
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Nov 21, 2017 3:51 pm

Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby stella1976 » Wed Nov 22, 2017 5:46 pm

Roberth wrote:
You can politely stretch your hands, there is no set rules that you have to hug. I don't hug. I lend my hand. I don't care what others think.


Avaneesh has the best solution for you. As for me I do hug but not just anyone. If I am offered a hug a accept it if not I extend my hand and that is to both men and women.

I just got home from the A A meeting.Before the meeting this woman hugged me and she kept putting her arm round me when talking and sometimes facing me with her hands on my collar bones.The meeting ended her car was parked next to mine she was walking beside me patting my lower back with her right hand .Than she hugged me goodbye. I want to tell her to stop because I'm not comfortable with all that hugging and touching but I don't want her to take it personally.Also most of other women group members think that i am stuck up and arrogant upper middle class snob.I don't want to be rejected by the group.One woman group member is always commenting on my clothing saying that i am overdressed.I am dressing like this since i graduated college and got my first office job.It is my whole wardrobe.Its how i like to dress myself and that is my style.I always like to dress on my best, because I also feel great when I’m dressed pretty. Once, i’d been to the hairdressers and was off to do a little shopping afterwards and the girl at the salon asked where i was going looking so glamorous – i said i was going shopping and she was like “really? You look so glammed up to be going shopping!” I don’t mind though, i’d rather be wearing something i feel good in than look like i just rolled out of bed.I wear high heels every day too.All the time.Men think I'm super sexy and glamorous.I am extremely fashionable, elegant, glamorous, and classy. Well, I am considered by myself and others to be extremely elegant, and I take great pride in that.I'm the type, that acts like everything is ok all the time.A big old smile on my face, at all times.Not the case, when I'm alone.I have a 14 year old daughter. I love her with all of my heart.I spent two years in a down hill slide. Kept up appearances but drank secretly. I am so sad I almost (almost) stopped at the liquor store. What a horrible mom I am. I'm such an idiot.Not a day goes by that I don't regret what I did and how I hurt my daughter.My daughter has seen me in some sorry states, not in a while but she has, we've never spoken of it.My confidence isn't sky high, as you've probably noticed but I just wonder why I can't forgive myself enough. Will this come with time, I wonder.
stella1976
Forums Newcomer
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Nov 21, 2017 3:51 pm

Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby Brock » Thu Nov 23, 2017 6:11 am

Going to meetings and getting ‘support’ from people there is part of the program, a part which becomes less important after we do the required steps. If at your meetings nobody is telling you about the importance of reading the literature, and doing these steps, then those meetings are not very good.
stella1976 wrote:Men think I'm super sexy and glamorous.I am extremely fashionable, elegant, glamorous, and classy. Well, I am considered by myself and others to be extremely elegant, and I take great pride in that. I'm the type, that acts like everything is ok all the time. A big old smile on my face, at all times. Not the case, when I'm alone.

When we read the big book we see right away, that many of us were doing and saying things mainly to satisfy our ego, and in the 12 & 12 at the start of step five we see this - “ALL OF A.A.'s Twelve Steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires . . . they all deflate our egos.” Yes the steps will deflate our ego and bring us down to earth, we will get to know, appreciate, and not be afraid to show our true selves to the world. Here is some more from the big book -
..      More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it.

Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way.

Our actor is self-centered, ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays.

If you will do what they ask, not only will you find the temptation to drink goes away, but with a peaceful life powered by spirituality, you will laugh at the idea that being 5’ 10,” or wearing high heals, or looking glamorous, has anything at all to do with being happy.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
User avatar
Brock
Forums Coordinator
 
Posts: 3168
Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2012 1:45 pm

Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby tomsteve » Thu Nov 23, 2017 8:41 am

stella, you are allowed to set boundaries. and you dont have to be concerned with what others think of you. what others think of you is their own problem. you are allowed to stand up for yourself- it just takes some courage. if she gets offended by you protecting yourself,thats her problem.
courage is an amazing thing to have and use.

ive gone to meetings after a day of wrenchin on cars. all greased up. dirt/grease on my hands even after washing. ive had negative comments about it. the comments seriously stopped one day when someone brought it up before the meeting and i said," are you willing to come over and lend a hand with what im workin on so i can get cleaned up better beforehand? "
amazingly, no offer to help.
tomsteve
Forums Contributor
 
Posts: 245
Joined: Mon Oct 20, 2014 10:25 am

Re: I need advice.I would hate for this to be the reason I s

Postby stella1976 » Thu Nov 23, 2017 9:31 am

tomsteve wrote:stella, you are allowed to set boundaries. and you dont have to be concerned with what others think of you. what others think of you is their own problem. you are allowed to stand up for yourself- it just takes some courage. if she gets offended by you protecting yourself,thats her problem.
courage is an amazing thing to have and use.

ive gone to meetings after a day of wrenchin on cars. all greased up. dirt/grease on my hands even after washing. ive had negative comments about it. the comments seriously stopped one day when someone brought it up before the meeting and i said," are you willing to come over and lend a hand with what im workin on so i can get cleaned up better beforehand? "
amazingly, no offer to help.

I am describing myself only for people here to understand the complexity of the situation in the context of describing the problem.I just wanted to listen to other's thoughts on this subject.Meetings definitely are a big part of my recovery. Hearing other women talk about things and talking about things myself is pretty important to me. If I go to a meeting when I'm feeling down/stressed/sad/disconnected, I always feel better by the time I leave. Sobriety is my first priority in life, and meetings keep my head in that space.In my group there's not a lot of talk about what the book says or analysis of it. We don't "study" the book. We just sort of "do" it.
stella1976
Forums Newcomer
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Nov 21, 2017 3:51 pm

Next

Return to Discussions

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 6 guests