New sort of: my husband doesn't drink but he wants me to

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New sort of: my husband doesn't drink but he wants me to

Postby Caretaker » Fri Nov 03, 2017 8:37 am

I was sober for 15 years. I quit drinking in September 1995.
In 2002 I divorced my Cheating husband
I devoted my life to raising my kids and didn't date much.
In November 2010 i started dating someone and picked up drinking again.
I met my new husband in 2012.
When we met we would both be weekend drinkers.
When my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer He pretty much gave up drinking. He is doing well on treatment.
I, like everyone else on this board, enjoy drinking and the feeling that comes with it. However I hate the way I feel the next day. And the older I get the harder it is to tolerate. I have missed significant dates due to hangovers. I missed my sons teen birthday gathering and one of my adult step Daughters too. I missed work today . If I were to count the days that my hangover caused e me to not function it would probably only be 6 days this year. Nobody seems to have a problem with my drinking but me. I know I can stop because I've done it before. but before although it was difficult my husband at that time didn't pressure me to drink.

My current husband is really a wonderful man and great husband and I really question him sometimes why he wants me to drink. We have had discussions about it and he has always said " why don't you just have 1?" And I always tell him I don't want to have one.

I tried to quit once during this marriage and I went a couple weeks. I know if I do this I have to do it for me. I remember before that eventually people stop pressuring you when they get used to the new you.
I'm having a hardi time with stopping Again. I guess I need to get myself to a meeting. But I'm glad there is this forum board to help me along the way.

Any help or feedback is appreciated.
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Re: New sort of: my husband doesn't drink but he wants me to

Postby Brock » Fri Nov 03, 2017 10:07 am

Welcome here Caretaker, I really like that name.

Why your husband would want you to drink I am not sure, but I have had a girlfriend when I stopped say I was more fun when I was drinking. That was one of the few times I stopped for a period, until finally when I was living with someone and alcoholism had progressed, my ‘wife’ was very happy that I stopped for good, because at that stage I was no fun to be around. The other possibility I thought of, is he is such a nice person he is worried that you are not drinking just to not tempt him, and feels guilty. For the same reason I always keep alcohol at home, and my wife or visitors know they are welcome to it.

You mention that like everyone here you enjoy drinking, and that’s a fair comment from someone who has not done the AA program, like the majority of us have. We come to AA to stop drinking, because we think that’s our problem, AA shows us how to get rid of the reasons we drank, because that is the real problem. We become happy and contented folks, if we weren't we would go back to drinking. Most of the people in AA, and the sort you might ask for advise, would not go back to drinking even if a magic wand could be waved, and their alcoholism ‘cured.’

I am very pleased you mentioned trying a meeting, perhaps try a few, because they vary in format and membership, we usually choose the one we like best and call it our home group.

I will put up some links to AA material, in the chapters from the big book, under “There is a Solution” & “More About Alcoholism,” you will find descriptions of the type of alcoholic to whom this program will appeal. Basically, if you can stop drinking and be happy without it, you may not need AA, nobody can judge this but yourself, and all are welcome, nobody will judge you providing you have a desire to stop drinking.

Is A.A. For You – 12 Questions.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for ... can-answer

A Brief Guide To AA.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-42_abriefguidetoaa.pdf

Three Chapters From The Big Book-

1.The Doctors Opinion.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbo ... pinion.pdf

2.There Is A Solution.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt2.pdf

3.More About Alcoholism.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf

A.A. Meeting Finder.
A.A. Near You.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: New sort of: my husband doesn't drink but he wants me to

Postby jenko » Fri Nov 03, 2017 10:32 am

I second Brock's post. =biggrin

The fact that you stated you are having a hard time stopping says quite a bit, imo. As for the husband, it's hard to say why he wants you to drink. Sometimes those who love us are in just as much denial as we are, if not more. They can be co-dependent too.

Can't hurt to try some meetings ... Keep us updated on how things go!
Jennifer K. :)
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Re: New sort of: my husband doesn't drink but he wants me to

Postby Caretaker » Fri Nov 03, 2017 10:52 am

Thank you both for replying. I did read the 1st link and I have no trouble determining that I have an alcohol problem. When I'm not so hung over I will go back and read the rest of the links.
This sentence stuck with me:
Most of the people in AA, and the sort you might ask for advise, would not go back to drinking even if a magic wand could be waved, and their alcoholism ‘cured.’ 

Having been sober before for 15 years I really wasn't in a dangerous spot most of those years except at the very beginning in the very end.
I am familiar with And did do 90 programs at the beginning of my last sobriety but definitely not in 90 days :) and then I felt cured and didn't go back again.

As I started to feel a little bit better today I thought maybe I should go to a meeting Today. Then I thought maybe I won't quit drinking. And then later n still feeling hung over and I thought no I can't go anywhere but this bed to cure this hangover.

I found a meeting tomorrow that I'm gonna go to and then again I found another meeting Monday through Friday on my lunch hour I can attend. I haven't even thought if I will discuss it with my husband yet but at some point I'll have to explain myself next weekend why I'm not drinking
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Re: New sort of: my husband doesn't drink but he wants me to

Postby PaigeB » Fri Nov 03, 2017 12:34 pm

Normal drinkers do not understand me. I am definitely NOT a "one drink" kind of a gal. AND I have no idea WHY I can't have just one, unless you count that I now know I have a disease, an allergy... When I drink any alcohol whatever, my body breaks out in a rash of bad behaviors and in my body I have the desparate need for more, more, MORE. It is a chemical thing I cannot control anymore than I can control cancer. All I can do is just treat it the best way I know how. For me that is AA meetings and the AA program.

It is okay if they don't understand me. I can't control what they think. I KNOW that I can't drink, so I have taken measures to protect myself from the symptoms of my alcoholism. Then, with the help of AA and my HP, it is easier for me to say NO THANKS to the first drink. I would not drink poison if I were offered would I? Of course not. Some people might be immune, but I am not. I know today, without a doubt, I have this disease and I cannot drink safely. It is just a beginning, but it is all the other person really needs to know.

Glad you are getting to a meeting. I am sure you will find support there!
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: New sort of: my husband doesn't drink but he wants me to

Postby Caretaker » Fri Nov 03, 2017 1:36 pm

Very well said PaigeB

I just have so much going on and I want to numb all the pain. We lost everything in huricane Harvey. And now we're trying to rebuild and the burden falls on me .
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Re: New sort of: my husband doesn't drink but he wants me to

Postby marthamaree » Fri Nov 03, 2017 1:59 pm

Hi Caretaker, for me alcohol was making everthing a bit "groundhoggy" I would have a few drinks in the evening and all my problems would dissolve and I felt great. Then I woke up in the morning and felt panicked and sick. Repeat and repeat. I also have no interest in just one. Life without alcohol and the morning after is better. Just give your hubby a big hug and kiss and dont drink if you dont want to. x
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Re: New sort of: my husband doesn't drink but he wants me to

Postby Caretaker » Fri Nov 03, 2017 4:49 pm

Yes Martha that is exactly how I feel!!
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Re: New sort of: my husband doesn't drink but he wants me to

Postby desypete » Sat Nov 04, 2017 3:17 am

i can remember the fear i caused to those who loved me when i took a drink
my kids knew what would happen to there daddy once he took a drink a lot more than i did

like you i stopped drinking in my 20s for 15 years after aa
i stopped going to aa as i was cured, i didnt need the meetings anymore, i didnt need a sponsor anymore, i was ok now i was sober and not getting arrested or causing all the pain and destruction that would follow me and my drinking

i honestly believe i was cured and i went on to get my own business and made a nice pile of cash married with 5 lovely kids what more could anyone want ?

looking back i was selfish and got my own way and i guess everyone around me just knew to let me get my own way if they knew what was good for them
it was this selfish greed i had for all things including money which drove me on in other words money became my god if you like so i had a drive inside of me hence i could go 15 years without a drink
but i also hated xmas time with a passion as i felt i was robbed as i couldnt drink, yet i worked so hard, i took good care of my family yet poor old me couldnt drink as it would cause me all sorts of trouble

but 15 years without aa is a long time, its long enough to really forget all the damage and to once again try the drinking game again

i made myself a promise that i would just have one drink on xmas eve to celebrate, i certainly couldnt do anything wrong having just one drink could i ?

so i took that first drink and even 15 years on in the back of my mind was dont pick up that first drink but i ignored it
and would you believe it i took that one drink and i went home without getting black out drunk

wow i had done it so i tried drink again but this time i said to myself i will just have 2 drinks this time and see what happens
bingo i did it and i didnt get drunk or any bad things happen

then came new years eve and i took my ex wife out and i had 4 drinks and was very merry and happy
we hugged and kissed and had a great night out
by now i had come to remember the part in chapter 3 of the book that says if you can do the right about face and go out and drink like a gentleman our hats are off to you
i thought of all the old aa members who would have to take there hats off to me as i went out there and was able to control me drink and not end up drunk

now i though to myself maybe i wasn't really an alcoholic, maybe i ended up in so much trouble with drink because i was so young and now i was well into my 30s maybe i can handle it now

8 years later
my ex wife was gone, my small kids were removed from our care we as we ended up battling drunks, unable to get the kids up in the morning for school etc
we each blamed each other for the loss of our kids and drank even more to cope with the loss
my business had gone as i was drunk on the job far to many times and now unreliable as i couldn't wake up to get the jobs done etc

but i had made a good few quid so was able to live for a couple of years of the money but watching the money get less and less until it all went, i had always told myself i will do something about my drinking tomorrow but first off i might as well finish the drink i have

my drinking ended up 24 7 i would be shaking first thing in the morning and being sick just to get that drink inside of me
i ended up on my own, having also been thrown into prison a couple of time for drunken behaviours which dryed me out and made me promise on my relelase i would get sober and turn my life around
only to get released and think well i am free now so i deserve a drink to celebrate my freedom
so i will only have a drink today as i am free and then get on with my life tomorrow

like i said in just 8 short years of trying to first drink and believing i was now cured etc the booze got me back in its grips and cost me everything i loved or cared about

that was 12 years ago and thanks to aa my life has turned around again for the good
i got my kids back out of care within 12 months of being sober, i got a job again, i got my feet back on the ground
thanks to aa and the wonderful people of the fellowship

now i have the experience of just how powerful that one drink really is i dont have read about it or believe it might be a yet for me as it happend to me

all i do know for sure is i am no different from countless others in aa who ended in the same mess some are more lucky than others as they manage to find a way to stop and avoid losing it all
some are not as lucky as me who lost it all but have a second chance at life again some lose there life to this illness

yet how crazy was i to believe i am different and it wouldn't happen to me ? yet it did

i got away with drinking for a while but in the end it got me and i lost it all and it can and will happen to anyone who is a real alcoholic like i said i am nothing special just a bog standard alcoholic who has suffered the same fate that i was once warned about when i was in my 20s
they told me its a progressive illness and that these yets would happen should i carry on

and i tell anyone who is like me the same those yets are just waiting for them should they wish to carry on with there drinking careers. by all means do i wouldnt try to stop anyone from drinking
other than share my story with them of what happend to me
they can make there own mind up on that
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Re: New sort of: my husband doesn't drink but he wants me to

Postby Caretaker » Sat Nov 04, 2017 4:23 pm

Wow desypete we have the same kind of timeline. I'm glad u were able to turn it around a 2nd time. I hope to 2! I got my 24 hour chip today. Thanks for sharing your story. U r an inspiration!!
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