Romantic relationships

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Romantic relationships

Postby Yunggspot » Thu Oct 12, 2017 11:49 pm

So I have this huge fear. Ive only been able to get into a relationship while drinking. This isn't my first time sober and I've noticed a pattern of not being able to get into relationships while sober. I'm afraid sober me just can't do the girlfriend boyfriend thing. Any experience?
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Re: Romantic relationships

Postby positrac » Fri Oct 13, 2017 2:16 am

How long have you been sober this time? When I got sober in California it was said stay out of physical relationships for a year. Why? Because we are fragile, thin skinned, or just easy to get into a bad mental way. For me it was hard to initially find a girl friend because at that time I was young (under 25) and everyone drank and those women in AA were older and I didn't believe in getting involved in the rooms. So my first girl friend drank and I used to get her drunk because I couldn't drink and it was kind of a bad thing and it didn't last.

I had stuff in-between before I met my to be wife 17 years ago in the rooms. I had grown up more and mentally ready to settle down and having two people who didn't use was easy because the pressure was off. For years I wanted a relationship and I think I tried too hard and one day I was hit between the eyes with my wife I have now.

Time, and just learning to relax, and lastly just be yourself and the rest just seems to answer itself. Take care of yourself because you are important and once you have that in check it might be easier to find another person with like minded desires and or goals.
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Re: Romantic relationships

Postby Brock » Fri Oct 13, 2017 6:42 am

Welcome to the forums here Yunggspot.

I found that alcohol made it easier getting into relationships as well, it's the confidence booster I needed. A few drinks and I was suddenly more handsome, funnier, and a better dancer, good at chatting ladies up as well, and I had a lot of fun with ladies and booze. But that's a passing phase in life, and when drinking became less fun and more something I had to do, I managed to change things.

What I am very pleased to have found, is a new sort of confidence thanks to the AA program, that comes as we grow in the program and especially our spiritual side. It's not the overconfidence I found with alcohol, more a quiet confidence. It took a little while, but when we can look in the mirror and smile at what we see, a confidence grows that others see in us too, and members of the opposite sex are attracted to that. I came to AA to stop drinking, that was easy after the steps, but the program gives so much more than just not drinking.
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Re: Romantic relationships

Postby desypete » Fri Oct 13, 2017 7:01 am

i was told by memebers that i go to aa to well not to get laid
there a hard nosed bunch but there so right
they told me before i even bother about trying to hold a relationship, it would be a good idea if i first learned how to care for a plant, if the plant lives for a year then i might move on to learn how to care for a pet, and if that lives for a year i might be ready then to start to learn how to care for a partner

you see i wanted a relationship for me, not what i could give
i wanted someone to come home to, someone i could love and they love me, someone to watch tv with go for meals with, bring them roses and everything in my life would be perfect
the truth is yes it would be for a while, but me and my ways would destroy it as i am so selfish, always want my own way, never really thinking about trying to make someone else happy unless i want sex of course then i would be mr wonderful

i didnt like all these things i heard in the rooms when people were being so honest about themselves, as it hit home to me that i am so like them also and i didnt like it i wanted to pretend i was different and that i could love and give love
so i tired a few relationships as i didnt listen
not one of them lasted more than a few months until now of course where i do have a girl that i treat very well and care for her in a way i have never been able to do in my life thanks to aa and the steps and the way i have had to adopt this new way of living honestly

having a women to fix that hole in my soul is just not good enough as it doesn't last unless i have changed or i am honestly willing to try to change
good luck to you
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Re: Romantic relationships

Postby odat12 » Fri Oct 13, 2017 11:35 am

I left a relationship with an alcoholic and not so long after got into another relationship. I've been in recovery for a year and a half and we're now living together and I've started AA just a couple weeks ago. It's weird now. I'm not the same person and he doesn't seem like the person I thought he was. He is good to me and I believe I love him. I'm trying not to focus on the relationship aspect and keep my focus on my sobriety but we live together day in and day out so I have to deal with it every single day especially since this has all thrown him through a loop.

I totally get the "waiting one year" thing, it makes so much sense to me. And I really have a lot of respect for those couples who have gotten through or are going through newfound sobriety in an existing relationship. I never imagined it would be this difficult, to be honest. We have never fought, believe it or not, and now that I've chosen sobriety, things are totally strained. I understand why as I don't even know myself anymore so how could he? One thing I know for myself is I have to communicate with him and be 100% honest with him because I have to be completely honest with myself to keep up my sobriety.

I was once told to write a list of things I want in a partner. To get what I wanted, I needed to start giving it away. I still have that list and it grows as I do. The hardest part is learning how to give it and not just expect to receive it. Intimacy can be broken down into "Into-Me-See". He's only ever seen what I wanted him to see because I got good at being deceitful, manipulative and cunning - even to myself. I fear intimacy and the possibility of rejection. But courage is fear that's said its prayers.

All the best.
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Re: Romantic relationships

Postby desypete » Thu Oct 19, 2017 1:36 pm

odat12 wrote:I left a relationship with an alcoholic and not so long after got into another relationship. I've been in recovery for a year and a half and we're now living together and I've started AA just a couple weeks ago. It's weird now. I'm not the same person and he doesn't seem like the person I thought he was. He is good to me and I believe I love him. I'm trying not to focus on the relationship aspect and keep my focus on my sobriety but we live together day in and day out so I have to deal with it every single day especially since this has all thrown him through a loop.

I totally get the "waiting one year" thing, it makes so much sense to me. And I really have a lot of respect for those couples who have gotten through or are going through newfound sobriety in an existing relationship. I never imagined it would be this difficult, to be honest. We have never fought, believe it or not, and now that I've chosen sobriety, things are totally strained. I understand why as I don't even know myself anymore so how could he? One thing I know for myself is I have to communicate with him and be 100% honest with him because I have to be completely honest with myself to keep up my sobriety.

I was once told to write a list of things I want in a partner. To get what I wanted, I needed to start giving it away. I still have that list and it grows as I do. The hardest part is learning how to give it and not just expect to receive it. Intimacy can be broken down into "Into-Me-See". He's only ever seen what I wanted him to see because I got good at being deceitful, manipulative and cunning - even to myself. I fear intimacy and the possibility of rejection. But courage is fear that's said its prayers.

All the best.


its clear when i have looked back over my life when it comes to relationships i never ever knew what love was, infact my sponsor made me read what love is described as from the bible and believe me i could see my love was just pure lust and selfish love

if i seen a pretty face and they smiled at me, my head would be off to the races and i would be wanting to marry them right away
i fell in love at the drop of a hat
but once some time would pass i would either be bored of trying to play mr nice guy and let my selfish nature come out by which time the partner would notice the change but may well have love for me but i would crush the relationship
then when they couldnt stand anymore they leave me and then i feel very hard done by and lost and alone and in time have another go with the same actions and the same outcomes
its really been such a deep thing i had to look into myself with the help of my sponsor and others in aa who were so honest about themselves that i could see myself in them
and i didnt like it

the good news is that i have improved and got better over the years and i can and do these days think of others ahead of myself
unless football is on the tv then she has to do what i want =biggrin

the best advice i was given was to get a plant and look after it for a year, then get a pet and look after that for a year, and i can see why now but i couldnt see it back then
but it was the pure fact that the people in aa know me better than i know myself
they know i would be to selfish and wrapped up in self to ever really be able to give out love that a realtionship would need unless of course i want to get my own way

its taken many many years but i am not so bad these days but always room for improvement
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Re: Romantic relationships

Postby Blue Moon » Thu Oct 19, 2017 2:02 pm

Having let go of my relationship with alcohol, the first relationship I needed to work on was with me. Then when I stopped trying to make other things happen, other things started to happen.
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Re: Romantic relationships

Postby mule » Tue Oct 24, 2017 7:10 pm

Is it true that it is recommended one be celibate for a year when newly sober?
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Re: Romantic relationships

Postby positrac » Wed Oct 25, 2017 2:10 am

mule wrote:Is it true that it is recommended one be celibate for a year when newly sober?

Newly sober people and this context is for single people and not married as the married part has its own complications. But newly sober people single are fragile and need to focus on self first and physical things last! It was told to me in real early recovery to get a plant and if it lives for an extended period get a pet and once I have mastered the basics of life, such as food, water and affection then I could dabble in opposite sex relationships after my first year. I've witnessed those who knew it all and kept using people for personal satisfaction and they relapsed and kept relapsing until they figured out that they had no business messing about until they grew spiritually.

Not everyone has this level of emotional instability and yet we are human and we do get mentally involved with our minds, hearts and body and if we aren't ready it can lead to a lot of difficult issues with our recovery. Sponsors are so important because they should have the experience of basic and some detailed knowledge on how to go through the steps and also how to find inner peace as we became alcoholics not by pure accident. I suggest work on you before you go out and get hooked up because this is not just you; but another person that is involved and we aren't supposed to be hurting others at our expense.

keep it simple the rest will answer itself in time.
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Re: Romantic relationships

Postby avaneesh912 » Wed Oct 25, 2017 4:30 am

Is it true that it is recommended one be celibate for a year when newly sober?


Definitely not celibate. But I have heard some hidden rules around relationship. But looking behind the suggestion, as Pos pointed out, early in recovery our emotions all run helter skelter. So its better to focus on recovery first. Some awaken quick, some take a bit longer. Its all upto the individual and God after that.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Romantic relationships

Postby mule » Sat Nov 04, 2017 6:21 pm

desypete wrote:i was told by memebers that i go to aa to well not to get laid
there a hard nosed bunch but there so right
they told me before i even bother about trying to hold a relationship, it would be a good idea if i first learned how to care for a plant, if the plant lives for a year then i might move on to learn how to care for a pet, and if that lives for a year i might be ready then to start to learn how to care for a partner

you see i wanted a relationship for me, not what i could give
i wanted someone to come home to, someone i could love and they love me, someone to watch tv with go for meals with, bring them roses and everything in my life would be perfect
the truth is yes it would be for a while, but me and my ways would destroy it as i am so selfish, always want my own way, never really thinking about trying to make someone else happy unless i want sex of course then i would be mr wonderful

i didnt like all these things i heard in the rooms when people were being so honest about themselves, as it hit home to me that i am so like them also and i didnt like it i wanted to pretend i was different and that i could love and give love
so i tired a few relationships as i didnt listen
not one of them lasted more than a few months until now of course where i do have a girl that i treat very well and care for her in a way i have never been able to do in my life thanks to aa and the steps and the way i have had to adopt this new way of living honestly

having a women to fix that hole in my soul is just not good enough as it doesn't last unless i have changed or i am honestly willing to try to change
good luck to you



Who said anything about going to AA to get laid. Yes I get it, AA is about abstinence from alcohol but in the rest of my 23 hours of life am I allowed to seek human comfort and companionship. AA detractors have often compared it to a cult. Well when AA starts controlling the sexual lives of it's members it gives it's critics some ammunition.
'
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Re: Romantic relationships

Postby desypete » Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:16 am

mule wrote:
desypete wrote:i was told by memebers that i go to aa to well not to get laid
there a hard nosed bunch but there so right
they told me before i even bother about trying to hold a relationship, it would be a good idea if i first learned how to care for a plant, if the plant lives for a year then i might move on to learn how to care for a pet, and if that lives for a year i might be ready then to start to learn how to care for a partner

you see i wanted a relationship for me, not what i could give
i wanted someone to come home to, someone i could love and they love me, someone to watch tv with go for meals with, bring them roses and everything in my life would be perfect
the truth is yes it would be for a while, but me and my ways would destroy it as i am so selfish, always want my own way, never really thinking about trying to make someone else happy unless i want sex of course then i would be mr wonderful

i didnt like all these things i heard in the rooms when people were being so honest about themselves, as it hit home to me that i am so like them also and i didnt like it i wanted to pretend i was different and that i could love and give love
so i tired a few relationships as i didnt listen
not one of them lasted more than a few months until now of course where i do have a girl that i treat very well and care for her in a way i have never been able to do in my life thanks to aa and the steps and the way i have had to adopt this new way of living honestly

having a women to fix that hole in my soul is just not good enough as it doesn't last unless i have changed or i am honestly willing to try to change
good luck to you



Who said anything about going to AA to get laid. Yes I get it, AA is about abstinence from alcohol but in the rest of my 23 hours of life am I allowed to seek human comfort and companionship. AA detractors have often compared it to a cult. Well when AA starts controlling the sexual lives of it's members it gives it's critics some ammunition.
'


of course your allowed to get laid or look for love anywhere

its just when those who are of young years in sobriety tend to run off looking for a partner to fix them and it doesn't work out can you guess what they end up doing to comfort themselves from the pain they end up in ? they pick up the drink again

worse still is when 2 recovering alcoholics get together and they have done no real work on themselves they have come together to early
then you have the chance of not 1 but 2 people picking up the drink again or worse some have killed themselves over relationship break ups

so there is so much wisdom in aa out there to try to help the new comer avoid dangers like relationships to early

oh and one other thing we are big over here on protecting women from sex pests in aa
new comer females more so as there very impressionable and aa like you point out gets a very bad press about some who try to manipulate women in the fellowship

so its suggested is all
men for men and women for women
we come to aa to get well not to get laid was rammed home to me once i seen a pretty girl in a meeting and i wanted to help her =biggrin which was rubbish i just wanted to try my luck and hopefully she would love me and be my everything and i could then abuse her and take control of her just like i had always done in the past
then of course i was the victim when they left me

so really i had to come to see myself and learn how to not be like that anymore
i had to find out just what real love is and how to give it before i could be let loose

but please feel free to find all this stuff out for yourself as i took no notice of any warning either as i knew better so i went into relationships
and they all ended with them not liking me at all anymore =biggrin
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Re: Romantic relationships

Postby mule » Sat Nov 11, 2017 7:54 pm

The fact that you had ulterior motives with a fellow AA member does not mean that most(western) people can't have purely platonic fellowships with the opposite sex. I am a man who counts many women among my friends and the thought of sex never enters into the equation. But I digress, you desired a woman at a meeting so by all means segregate adults like children and insist on complete chastity. Here is a bit of heresy...a sober, supportive, loving companion will do more for sobriety than a thousand AA meetings.
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Re: Romantic relationships

Postby desypete » Sun Nov 12, 2017 8:45 pm

mule wrote:The fact that you had ulterior motives with a fellow AA member does not mean that most(western) people can't have purely platonic fellowships with the opposite sex. I am a man who counts many women among my friends and the thought of sex never enters into the equation. But I digress, you desired a woman at a meeting so by all means segregate adults like children and insist on complete chastity. Here is a bit of heresy...a sober, supportive, loving companion will do more for sobriety than a thousand AA meetings.


they have a lot of sayings in aa as they dont mess about with words at times
they used to say dont let your pecker rule your head
which i thought was very rude of them just like you
for me the ideal women and listening to sad songs all about love was a great way for me to think of what i thought was real happiness
until i grown up a bit of course and had to face myself

anyway how would you be able to compare 1000 aa meetings to a women ?
how many meetings have you done ? i would love to hear your expertise in such things to make such a claim pans out ?

have done 1000s of meetings and i am still here sober and living ok so again i really dont understand the point your trying to make ? and i didnt have a women either just the meetings and the people in the fellowship so it worked or can you not see that ?
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Re: Romantic relationships

Postby 1Peter5:10 » Mon Nov 27, 2017 10:00 pm

I was a low bottom drunk, now with 1 year sobriety. From my perspective, a new romantic/sexual relationship in the first year of sobriety would be just about the stupidest thing I could have done..

How it applies to high-bottoms and middle-bottoms, I don't know, but
1) Given that most relationships, even between normies, do not work out, it's safe to assume a new relationship is more than 50% likely to end in a new resentment.

2) Given that there is at least a 50% chance one of the lovers will relapse in the first year. In my experience? In my first year? NO WAY my tender and fragile sobriety would have survived whilst I tried to date an active user, or "rescue" her.

Good Lord, just pick out my burial clothes and headstone, because there is NO WAY I would have made it through that without picking up.

Finally,
3) financial and emotional dependency issues in early sobriety often mean that when two lovers are both in early sobriety, they tend to move in with each other WAY EARLIER than sane people would.

Again, I cannot speak to how it would be for high- or middle-bottom drunks. But this low-bottom drunk knows that first-year dating would have been a first-year death sentence.
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