I hate myself

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I hate myself

Postby bluebird1 » Wed Oct 11, 2017 8:49 pm

I need help. I am a fully functional alcoholic. I can have a meeting with you tomorrow morning at 10AM and come off as OK, but I'll probably be 3-4 beers in by then. What is wrong with me? I have a bud light in front of me right now as I type this. It's probably my 15th one of day, maybe more. Been having some health issues, Doctor's office called today, my liver enzymes are out of normal range. I think I'm killing myself on purpose. I'm a financial professional who works from home 80% of the time, which means I can drink whenever I want usually...damn I feel like a loser as I read what I typed....I am the bread winner in the family, paying for three kids in college now, have all the "home management" responsibilities on me, for lack of a better term. Pay the bills, manage our finances, etc. I love my family, my wife, my kids...what is wrong with me as just this past week I've cracked one open before 9AM every day this week,

I'm scared. For me. For my kids. For my marriage. Please help. Knoxville, TN if anyone is willing to talk me off the ledge...I am vulnerable right now and this is my cry for help.
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Re: I hate myself

Postby JohnDaniels » Thu Oct 12, 2017 12:34 am

bluebird1 wrote:I need help. I am a fully functional alcoholic. I can have a meeting with you tomorrow morning at 10AM and come off as OK, but I'll probably be 3-4 beers in by then. What is wrong with me? I have a bud light in front of me right now as I type this. It's probably my 15th one of day, maybe more. Been having some health issues, Doctor's office called today, my liver enzymes are out of normal range. I think I'm killing myself on purpose. I'm a financial professional who works from home 80% of the time, which means I can drink whenever I want usually...damn I feel like a loser as I read what I typed....I am the bread winner in the family, paying for three kids in college now, have all the "home management" responsibilities on me, for lack of a better term. Pay the bills, manage our finances, etc. I love my family, my wife, my kids...what is wrong with me as just this past week I've cracked one open before 9AM every day this week,

I'm scared. For me. For my kids. For my marriage. Please help. Knoxville, TN if anyone is willing to talk me off the ledge...I am vulnerable right now and this is my cry for help.


Welcome Home Bluebird1,

You're in a good place here among folks who understand the disease of Alcoholism and the Recovery. Keep coming back and sharing with us.

Peace
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Re: I hate myself

Postby positrac » Thu Oct 12, 2017 1:57 am

We all can relate in our own ways those moments of horror where our minds seemed better if they exploded than deal with another drink, hangover, and or lost promise to our addictions.

You are in a large area and all you need to do is go online and look for AA meetings in your area and I would think they are 24 hours a day due to the population. Just don't give up before the miracle happens: That is you not drinking, having a functional life, and one that can be fulfilling without looking over your shoulder wondering when the walls will crumble down.

Have faith you have the desire to want to stop the drink, now you've got to step forward and do the real work.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
Hopi Proverb
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Re: I hate myself

Postby Patsy© » Thu Oct 12, 2017 3:16 am

bluebird1 wrote:I need help. I am a fully functional alcoholic. I can have a meeting with you tomorrow morning at 10AM and come off as OK, but I'll probably be 3-4 beers in by then. What is wrong with me? I have a bud light in front of me right now as I type this. It's probably my 15th one of day, maybe more. Been having some health issues, Doctor's office called today, my liver enzymes are out of normal range. I think I'm killing myself on purpose. I'm a financial professional who works from home 80% of the time, which means I can drink whenever I want usually...damn I feel like a loser as I read what I typed....I am the bread winner in the family, paying for three kids in college now, have all the "home management" responsibilities on me, for lack of a better term. Pay the bills, manage our finances, etc. I love my family, my wife, my kids...what is wrong with me as just this past week I've cracked one open before 9AM every day this week,

I'm scared. For me. For my kids. For my marriage. Please help. Knoxville, TN if anyone is willing to talk me off the ledge...I am vulnerable right now and this is my cry for help.


Hi Bluebird and welcome,

We were all scared and that is ok....it's not ok to Do Nothing.
Just "don't think" and put one foot in front of the other. Please, take the actions today to get to an AA meeting in your area, those AA members will welcome you with open arms. Just let someone at the AA meeting know that you are new and seeking help. They will take it from there!


Please click on this link, it has all the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in your area. http://www.etiaa.org/find-a-meeting/

I would also strongly suggest that you call the following number of Alcoholics Anonymous in your area, they can help you. Just tell them what you have shared at this site.

Alcoholics Anonymous
5833 Clinton Highway
Suite 202
Knoxville, TN 37912
865-522-9667
office@etiaa.org
http://www.etiaa.org

Monday through
Friday 9am to 5pm
Saturday 9am to 1pm
Failed 12 Step Call? Not if we walk away sober!
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Re: I hate myself

Postby avaneesh912 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 3:46 am

what is wrong with me as just this past week I've cracked one open before 9AM every day this week,


I could totally relate to that. At the end of my drinking career, I use to by a pint of those high gravity beers at the open of the package store. When the owner would suggest that as a employee of a big organization its not ethical to start that early. I would tell him as a businessman he shouldn't be concerned about others, he should focus on the his business. Thats how our mind is warped when it comes to drinking.

We don't have the power to pull it off, thats why we have the fellowship, the 12 steps. I wish you courage to walk into the rooms of AA.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: I hate myself

Postby Cristy99 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 8:07 am

BLUEBIRD:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

You may feel that you are the only one who has ever felt the way you do right now. You're not!!

There is hope, my friend!!! Alcoholics Anonymous was such an easy answer for me....not that recovery is really EASY.....but man, it was so much easier than the life I had been living....more out of control every day. And left untreated it WILL worsen to the point of jail, institutions, or death. All you need is an open, teachable, honest mind. Have you reached the point of "incomprehensible demoralization?" It sound like it, judging from your post.

AA members are so down to Earth, wise, non-judgmental, and they WANT to help you. Helping new members is what KEEPS members sober. You may have to swallow some pride, but you can have your life back. It is SOOOOO doable!!! Get your buns to an AA meeting if at all possible and take back your life from alcohol.

We are here for you Blue!!! Post as much as you want!!! I look forward to hearing from you!!
Cristy
"Talk doesn't cook rice."
~ Chinese proverb
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Re: I hate myself

Postby Roberth » Thu Oct 12, 2017 8:47 am

Hello bluebird and welcome to E-AA. My name is Robert and I am a Los Angeles area alcoholic. I will tell you what they told me when I came to AA and that is “I would never have to take another drink if I didn’t want to, and even if I wanted to I wouldn’t have to if I was willing to do a few simple things.” Now the question is do you want to stop drinking.

We have found a way to live life free alcohol. It take some work and practice. And things don’t always go the way we would like them to but we still don’t need to drink over them.
I can tell you this I have been sober for over 25 years now and I have done some things I regret while I am sober but I don’t regret a minute of being sober.

If you want to stop we can help, I would call my local AA number and find a meeting to go to.

Just to let you know you are not a bad person trying to be good, you are a sick person trying to get well.
Robert
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in pretty, well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming WOW What a ride!!!!
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Re: I hate myself

Postby bluebird1 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 1:24 pm

Well, made it through the day so far. It's still early (4:30 PM) here. Went into the office this morning (I work both at home and at the office, more often at home as it's easier to drink.. :cry: ). Lunch was tough as I usually go to one of 2-3 restaurants, having 2-3 beers then picking up a six pack to drink when I get back to the office at home. Decided to stay in the office today to and I've buried myself in my work, stopping myself from entering that same routine...worried about the evening.
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Re: I hate myself

Postby Cristy99 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 3:49 pm

Find some help.

You have to make your move. None of us has been able to do it alone.
Please read all of the above posts carefully. We are here to help, but only you can make the first move....then the 2nd, 3rd, etc.

Dive in. The water may be deep, but AA will keep you afloat until you learn to swim!!
"Talk doesn't cook rice."
~ Chinese proverb
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Re: I hate myself

Postby positrac » Fri Oct 13, 2017 2:33 am

bluebird1 wrote:Well, made it through the day so far. It's still early (4:30 PM) here. Went into the office this morning (I work both at home and at the office, more often at home as it's easier to drink.. :cry: ). Lunch was tough as I usually go to one of 2-3 restaurants, having 2-3 beers then picking up a six pack to drink when I get back to the office at home. Decided to stay in the office today to and I've buried myself in my work, stopping myself from entering that same routine...worried about the evening.



You can only mask other things until you just explode and binge out. Finding balance and this comes with sobriety and time you'll learn how to mange time better and keep you mind out of "stinking-thinking"

Have a better day .
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
Hopi Proverb
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Re: I hate myself

Postby Brock » Fri Oct 13, 2017 7:22 am

bluebird1 wrote: Decided to stay in the office today to and I've buried myself in my work, stopping myself from entering that same routine...worried about the evening.

That kind of worry can keep people away from stopping drinking, I thought the rest of my life would be like that, and sitting in meetings every evening, that kept me away until I lost everything, walking skeleton with empty pockets. But in AA I found something entirely different, although only after I did the steps, which looked so difficult I put it off for a long time and suffered as a dry drunk, but they proved to be easier than they looked.

One fellow I saw seemed so cool and happy, coming to a couple of meetings a week, and saying he enjoys coming now to pass on what he found, but that meetings were not the answer the steps were. I asked him if I did those steps would the feeling to drink go away, he opened his big book and showed me this -
We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us.

Around the same time someone here suggested I listen to a speaker tape by Chris R, that's what I wanted to hear, problem removed, no longer exists. And a whole lot of other problems have been removed as well, less worry and living one day at a time, what a life, couldn't have asked for more.

I will put some links to a few chapters of that book, and some other stuff that when you feel like I hope you will read, this AA program is a winner, and I hope you give it a try.

Is A.A. For You – 12 Questions.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for ... can-answer

A Brief Guide To AA.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-42_abriefguidetoaa.pdf

Three Chapters From The Big Book-

1.The Doctors Opinion.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbo ... pinion.pdf

2.There Is A Solution.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt2.pdf

3.More About Alcoholism.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf

A.A. Meeting Finder.
A.A. Near You.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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