Day 3.... Exhaustion

[highcostofliving]

Man, today... it's early, and I should be working... but feeling like I need to post something which might help me refocus... dread or exhaustion seems to be setting in. No, it's not a feeling of needing to drink tonight, or tomorrow.... but it more an exhausted feeling of the entirety of it all... I'll have to do battle with alcohol my entire life. I am learning what the big book meant when it described the hopeless feeling.... Anyways, venting a little here... not meant to sound like a pity party...... here's a deeper look...

In my case, I'm not battling a craving to drink for today or tomorrow, though there is a craving still, it's small.. those who've read my previous post, I happened to plan my drinking nights out... so right now, I'm battling for Tuesday. I know the moment I decide it's ok to drink that night... I'll be defenseless against any other decision. I think I read in the big book, something about 'where did my resolve go?' It would be so easy to tell myself right now, to just drink Tuesday, so I don't have to battle that decision the next 4 days.. then the whole week after that, and after that, my brain is telling me I can't win anyways, so why fight it? That's the overwhelming feeling right now - if one week is so hard, how am I going to make it week after week.... Tuesdays would be too long a story for the post, but there's not much of a way around it as I watch my mom who has dementia - there's no one else on those nights, it just makes such an easy night - she has dementia, so she doesn't remember that I drank.... I go to work the next morning so my family doesn't see me until I'm done with the hangover...

I think one solution would be to finally break the news to everyone that I'm an alcoholic, I might be able to get coverage for Tuesday doing that, but I know I'm not ready for that. The mere thought of doing that at this point has me ready to stop working the steps - sounds cowardly and it is, but I really think where I'm at right now, that would have me caving in two seconds.... I think I need a little stronger grasp on some of this before I go down that road - I don't know.... anyways, thanks for the platform to share.... I am just starting out (in earnest this time), so I can only assume it gets easier as I continue to work on it.... Thanks for reading.

[Brock]

Good post again, bringing these feelings out here is a good idea, we can help because we once felt the same way. This is a major hurdle -

I'll have to do battle with alcohol my entire life.

We can't win if we do battle, so we surrender and quit fighting, the enemy goes away. Certain parts of the book tell us what to expect, maybe not easy to believe at first, but why would we all lie and say it's true, there is no reason. As early as step five on page 75 we see this -

The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly.

Then as we progress in the steps it gets even better, from pages 83, 84 & 85 -

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace….And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned...We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us.

This is true for all of us who did the steps, I like the last part - “Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us.”

I think one solution would be to finally break the news to everyone that I'm an alcoholic...

Personally, I think it better you wait until you decide to go back to a meeting, listen for similarities not differences, remember a higher power of your choosing, not theirs. Then you might just tell your wife that you feel you have a drinking problem, and want to attend the meetings. I know of people who told everyone, and they were put under a bit too much pressure, everyone wanted to help and all felt they had the answer.

You will make it, keep us informed if you like, there's nothing to loose and a hell of a lot to gain, best of luck.

[highcostofliving]

Thanks Brock... I do now remember reading about surrendering. At this stage, for me, I haven't yet wrapped my head around that portion, but I will try and figure it out. It seems like at this very moment, surrendering would be giving in to the desire for one more night of drinking... please note, I'm not trying to make an argument against what you said, I believe I'm on the right path here at e-AA and soon, AA meetings... and I have every intention of working the steps..... it's simply how it feels at this very moment. The idea of surrender feels so counter intuitive...

I think I can see the importance of this though... and also in the steps.... I haven't quite gotten through the Higher Power issue..... I've told myself I believe in a higher power, but I don't know if I truly do. Part of me thinks I'm paying it lip service... is that enough? I have no idea what my concept of a God is, or isn't... I WANT to believe in something or some power... I look around and see the world and it seems to make sense that there's something greater behind it all, and that's immediately replaced by skepticism..... so at this very moment, I feel like the only thing I'm surrendering too would be the urge to drink...I do believe you though, that what you're saying is possible, I have to... but man, so many years of anti anything God-like or any ideal of faith... it's hard to see the world from a whole new angle. And I'm not sure what I'm surrendering too...?

My wife does know... she's gone through Al Anon, and she will be supportive of my desire to go to meetings - and probably ecstatic. I think Al Anon has allowed her to make peace with the idea that she can't MAKE me do this.. and so I think she's patiently been waiting for it, without judgment or pressure. She is the only one that knows though.

Thanks for the response, it really is helpful, and I appreciate all the time you've taken to respond to my ramblings.

[JohnDaniels]

Man, today... it's early, and I should be working... but feeling like I need to post something which might help me refocus... dread or exhaustion seems to be setting in. No, it's not a feeling of needing to drink tonight, or tomorrow.... but it more an exhausted feeling of the entirety of it all... I'll have to do battle with alcohol my entire life. I am learning what the big book meant when it described the hopeless feeling.... Anyways, venting a little here... not meant to sound like a pity party...... here's a deeper look...

In my case, I'm not battling a craving to drink for today or tomorrow, though there is a craving still, it's small.. those who've read my previous post, I happened to plan my drinking nights out... so right now, I'm battling for Tuesday. I know the moment I decide it's ok to drink that night... I'll be defenseless against any other decision. I think I read in the big book, something about 'where did my resolve go?' It would be so easy to tell myself right now, to just drink Tuesday, so I don't have to battle that decision the next 4 days.. then the whole week after that, and after that, my brain is telling me I can't win anyways, so why fight it? That's the overwhelming feeling right now - if one week is so hard, how am I going to make it week after week.... Tuesdays would be too long a story for the post, but there's not much of a way around it as I watch my mom who has dementia - there's no one else on those nights, it just makes such an easy night - she has dementia, so she doesn't remember that I drank.... I go to work the next morning so my family doesn't see me until I'm done with the hangover...

I think one solution would be to finally break the news to everyone that I'm an alcoholic, I might be able to get coverage for Tuesday doing that, but I know I'm not ready for that. The mere thought of doing that at this point has me ready to stop working the steps - sounds cowardly and it is, but I really think where I'm at right now, that would have me caving in two seconds.... I think I need a little stronger grasp on some of this before I go down that road - I don't know.... anyways, thanks for the platform to share.... I am just starting out (in earnest this time), so I can only assume it gets easier as I continue to work on it.... Thanks for reading.

_________________________________________________________

Brock, thank you for your informative post.
_________________________________________________________

"highcostofliving", Welcome! I like your signature screen name. I enjoy your presence here and your posts that say to me you're really quite knowledgeable.

I understand your exhaustion you're going through and your adjustments into sobriety. It will get better. Your body, mind and spirit are healing from all that drinking. We all have to find our own pace. When we all sober up there's always plumbing to be fixed, shaking out the rugs we swept the dirt under all those years (figuratively speaking).

Our personal development in early sobriety happens sometimes slow and sometimes fast, but it does happen as you get into the 12 Steps. Often times others will notice positive changes in our lives before we do, things like our clear eyes and complexion, a smile simply because life is getting better little at a time.

When I stopped drinking I also went through some short periods of physical changes, one was exhaustion. Some emotional ups and downs but there was nothing so bad that a drink would have solved. In fact a drink would have only made it worse. It's noticeable when we begin to set ourselves up for a drink because we'll make an excuse or something to worry or obsess over, then zero right in on it. It happens below the level of our thinking, we start feeling that compulsion, the craving and before we know what hit us we feel compelled to take that drink Then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes us. Yup, we have a disease that is so powerful it can tell us we don't have a disease. That's the nature of alcohol, cunning, baffling and powerful.

But that exhaustion - I went to a doctor who was known to treat alcoholics. He quickly found the reasons why I was going through those physical changes, emotional changes and mental changes. He gave me a healthy diet plan that quickly leveled out my blood sugars and a few other things that are usually typical in alcoholics when we sober up. That was my experience and I just wanted to share with you as you remind me a little of myself when I stopped drinking. That's one of the things we do in AA, identify rather than compare, we share our experience, strength and our hope with each other.

Hey bud we're with you here. I have a few things to do this afternoon but I'll check back in later. You're in great company here with some good people who really care about you, especially at this time in your early sobriety.

Peace

[highcostofliving]

Thanks John!

The screen name is from a song, that I really think is a good reminder of some of what I have gone through .. "I had a job and a piece of land, my sweet wife was my best friend, but I traded that for.. " Not sure about language on here, but i think we can all fill in the blank. Anyways... thank you for the post! You are so right too, I normally am a very healthy person, I hike, run, do yoga, workout... but i drank more this month than in a long time, and hurt my back... so I've been really lazy, and eating terrible! I'm 100% sure that has something to do with it... it's funny how I can start to auto blame alcohol for everything, like I was... great reminder....

I may not have another post tonight, found a care center and going to try to make a meeting, if I can't get there in time, I am going to a movie solo to try and stop obsessing on this for a time and just take a breath..... I will for sure check in tonight and probably hit an update at some point on the weekend....

Brock - I hit on something a moment ago that you said about surrender, and it donned on me, that I am still trying to take control... I think part of the surrender part could simply be removing myself from the equation... I've already chosen to believe in a Higher Power whether I can define it or not... so why am I still trying to be the one 'fighting the battle'... if it's there and it's more powerful... why am I even involved... so to speak.... I typed that in a hurry so it might not make sense... short on time. Thanks for reading!

[JohnDaniels]

Thanks John!

The screen name is from a song, that I really think is a good reminder of some of what I have gone through .. "I had a job and a piece of land, my sweet wife was my best friend, but I traded that for.. " Not sure about language on here, but i think we can all fill in the blank. Anyways... thank you for the post! You are so right too, I normally am a very healthy person, I hike, run, do yoga, workout... but i drank more this month than in a long time, and hurt my back... so I've been really lazy, and eating terrible! I'm 100% sure that has something to do with it... it's funny how I can start to auto blame alcohol for everything, like I was... great reminder....

I may not have another post tonight, found a care center and going to try to make a meeting, if I can't get there in time, I am going to a movie solo to try and stop obsessing on this for a time and just take a breath..... I will for sure check in tonight and probably hit an update at some point on the weekend....

Brock - I hit on something a moment ago that you said about surrender, and it donned on me, that I am still trying to take control... I think part of the surrender part could simply be removing myself from the equation... I've already chosen to believe in a Higher Power whether I can define it or not... so why am I still trying to be the one 'fighting the battle'... if it's there and it's more powerful... why am I even involved... so to speak.... I typed that in a hurry so it might not make sense... short on time. Thanks for reading!

"highcostofliving"

You have some great shares. I really appreciate your message in your honesty. I'll be back later on here also. I'll look forward to seeing you again if you can make it back tonight. If not, we'll meet back up again.

Easy Does It out there tonight. Hopefully you'll get to the care center in time, if not then enjoy the movies.

I also like that singers story about The High Cost of Living

[highcostofliving]

The posts with you all on here today seemed to make a world of difference.... I feel less.... burdened might be the right word.... action steps in place to get back to healthy eating and a run tomorrow have me focused on that and looking forward to dawn for the first time in a few weeks.... and I've been reminding myself to surrender, not fight since Brock mentioned it... caught myself racing to the movie time, naturally hit traffic, my road-terrets kicked in, and this post instantly popped in my head and I thought of the control in that moment.. guess what, I was already in the traffic, I wasn't going to turn around, I was still going to get there... I wasn't going to move the cars or change the movie time... I'm not in control, so relax and just drive....... I"m hoping to continue to apply that within my recovery as well, and for a few short hours so far, it feels much less overwhelming.... so thank you.

Because that song speaks to me, I'll bring it up again, had to be an alcoholic wrote that.... one of my favorite versus "Three days straight was no big feat, get by on no food or sleep and crazy was becoming my new norm" So true for me... especially now, when I look back even to a few days ago... crazy was my normal.... bring on day 4! Thanks for reading.

[Mike O]

I'll have to do battle with alcohol my entire life.

My experience is that this is not at all the case.

Having worked the steps, exactly as suggested in the book, and continuing to work the steps in my everyday life, I, generally speaking, give alcohol no consideration whatsoever - something which was unthinkable to me when I first stopped drinking.

As Brock said - we cease to do battle...we surrender...we refuse to fight...we work the steps...it works.

[JohnDaniels]

The posts with you all on here today seemed to make a world of difference.... I feel less.... burdened might be the right word.... action steps in place to get back to healthy eating and a run tomorrow have me focused on that and looking forward to dawn for the first time in a few weeks.... and I've been reminding myself to surrender, not fight since Brock mentioned it... caught myself racing to the movie time, naturally hit traffic, my road-terrets kicked in, and this post instantly popped in my head and I thought of the control in that moment.. guess what, I was already in the traffic, I wasn't going to turn around, I was still going to get there... I wasn't going to move the cars or change the movie time... I'm not in control, so relax and just drive....... I"m hoping to continue to apply that within my recovery as well, and for a few short hours so far, it feels much less overwhelming.... so thank you.

Because that song speaks to me, I'll bring it up again, had to be an alcoholic wrote that.... one of my favorite versus "Three days straight was no big feat, get by on no food or sleep and crazy was becoming my new norm" So true for me... especially now, when I look back even to a few days ago... crazy was my normal.... bring on day 4! Thanks for reading.

Good Morning Highcostofliving,

As I read your post, the more I read, the more excited I felt for you. You sound great buddy. I am so stoked about you taking actions, your surrender and not fighting it as Brock mentioned and realizing you're not in control of certain things. It's all very realistic. You're a wonderful example to us all of The Program in action, staying calm, laid back, and living in the moment.

I set here smiling, nodding and thinking "Awesome totally AWESOME! Yes! I did that too!" I think I'd been sober about 6 months living up north and came down to the southwest to spend some time with the family and some friends that first winter in my sobriety. I had driven that interstate a hundred times but the first time I drove it sober I noticed entire mountain ranges I had never seen before. The freeway ran right along side the Wasatch Mountains all those years in my drinking but I never noticed them until I got sober in AA. I noticed so many new things that other people probably just took for granted. But I was so charged up about my new life, I was like a kid at Christmas taking in all the beauty I'd missed out on. It was like I was being given a gift! As I unwrapped the wrapping paper or in that case peeled the layers away life unfolded right before my very eyes. Entire mountain ranges, deer, elk, and colors I'd missed out on that were coming to me. I was stoked up for sure but the thing that kept me grounded and from getting out of control in that Pink Cloud Syndrome was God, my children I was happily raising, the I2 Steps and the folks in AA.

Hey I oughta quit this here for now. I don't want to but I will. I'm just feeling like Joe Sobriety after reading your success story.

Peace

You racing to the movie. That is great!

[highcostofliving]

Thanks John... or should I say Joe Sobriety

I think what was great about it for me, was simply seeing some of the wisdom you all have shared, as well as so many talking points of the big book play out in real life scenarios. It really starts to peel away layers of skepticism and doubt... surrendering control in that traffic jamb... should I say intentionally surrendering control, somehow just... felt good. I still need to work on it of course (there was still a good F bomb at a slow driver that cost us a green light later), but in that moment... I don't know, I guess it felt like a real life example of how surrendering to - whatever Power we're working with - works.... I think I still have some walls built up in this Higher Power issue, but they aren't as high... what is it in the big book, something about being armed with personal knowledge...

So thank you guys... my mind is slowing down, using this platform and reading your encouraging posts and experiences, really adds focus and direction to mass amounts of chaos.

[highcostofliving]

Mike O - I missed your post... but thanks. You hit the nail on the head

I'll have to do battle with alcohol my entire life.

give alcohol no consideration whatsoever - something which was unthinkable to me when I first stopped drinking.

It is unthinkable to me... still. And I hope I get there..... I touched briefly on it in a post that, even the days I'm not drinking, alcohol adds (has added for years) stress; about trying not to drink or stress because I drank, or stress because I was hung over and fell behind at work, or stress in my relationships, or stress trying to just have one. Anxiety; am I an alcoholic, how embarrassed should I be from the night before.. and even now, how do I beat it, what if I can't find my higher power, what if I relapse..... when I really think back on it, alcohol has been a constant presence in my life, even when I didn't know it.

This post doesn't have a lot of direction to it, so I apologize, but I am amazed about how something from every post I get can resonate to me in some way that makes me think.."dang, these guys do know what I'm going through... and dang, these guys are smart" ('guys' there meant in a non-gender specific way). So thanks for reading, and I appreciate the time taken to respond.

[beginningagain7]

May I suggest that you just take one day at a time. It has worked for me and still does today. My wife gets upset when she asks me what are we going to do tomorrow. And I keep saying that today isn't over with. Figure that out when it gets here. Doesn't mean we don't make plans ahead. We do. But for me I do not put in any expectations of them. What I do know if I take care of today then the chances of those exceptions will come about.

Have a good day

[Brock]

But I was so charged up about my new life, I was like a kid at Christmas taking in all the beauty I'd missed out on. It was like I was being given a gift!

I enjoyed reading what John spoke about, it's an experience I have had and am still having. Where I sit on a desk with the computer, I can look out at a mountain, or just a hill I guess, and lived here for 27 years and never really paid attention. Now in the afternoon when the sun is going down, I can gaze at that and see real beauty among the trees, it's spiritual. And used to chase the birds who wanted to make a nest on my porch, because they would crap on the floor and car. Now my wife wonders at the change, a man who gazes at a hill and smiles, cleans bird crap and smiles at the birds and their babies.

Dale Carnegie wrote - “Two men looked out from prison bars, one saw the mud, the other saw stars.” Thanks to AA I don't just see mud anymore.

[Noels]

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