I'll have to do battle with alcohol my entire life.
The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace….And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned...We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us.
I think one solution would be to finally break the news to everyone that I'm an alcoholic...
highcostofliving wrote:Man, today... it's early, and I should be working... but feeling like I need to post something which might help me refocus... dread or exhaustion seems to be setting in. No, it's not a feeling of needing to drink tonight, or tomorrow.... but it more an exhausted feeling of the entirety of it all... I'll have to do battle with alcohol my entire life. I am learning what the big book meant when it described the hopeless feeling.... Anyways, venting a little here... not meant to sound like a pity party...... here's a deeper look...
In my case, I'm not battling a craving to drink for today or tomorrow, though there is a craving still, it's small.. those who've read my previous post, I happened to plan my drinking nights out... so right now, I'm battling for Tuesday. I know the moment I decide it's ok to drink that night... I'll be defenseless against any other decision. I think I read in the big book, something about 'where did my resolve go?' It would be so easy to tell myself right now, to just drink Tuesday, so I don't have to battle that decision the next 4 days.. then the whole week after that, and after that, my brain is telling me I can't win anyways, so why fight it? That's the overwhelming feeling right now - if one week is so hard, how am I going to make it week after week.... Tuesdays would be too long a story for the post, but there's not much of a way around it as I watch my mom who has dementia - there's no one else on those nights, it just makes such an easy night - she has dementia, so she doesn't remember that I drank.... I go to work the next morning so my family doesn't see me until I'm done with the hangover...
I think one solution would be to finally break the news to everyone that I'm an alcoholic, I might be able to get coverage for Tuesday doing that, but I know I'm not ready for that. The mere thought of doing that at this point has me ready to stop working the steps - sounds cowardly and it is, but I really think where I'm at right now, that would have me caving in two seconds.... I think I need a little stronger grasp on some of this before I go down that road - I don't know.... anyways, thanks for the platform to share.... I am just starting out (in earnest this time), so I can only assume it gets easier as I continue to work on it.... Thanks for reading.
highcostofliving wrote:Thanks John!
The screen name is from a song, that I really think is a good reminder of some of what I have gone through .. "I had a job and a piece of land, my sweet wife was my best friend, but I traded that for.. " Not sure about language on here, but i think we can all fill in the blank. Anyways... thank you for the post! You are so right too, I normally am a very healthy person, I hike, run, do yoga, workout... but i drank more this month than in a long time, and hurt my back... so I've been really lazy, and eating terrible! I'm 100% sure that has something to do with it... it's funny how I can start to auto blame alcohol for everything, like I was... great reminder....
I may not have another post tonight, found a care center and going to try to make a meeting, if I can't get there in time, I am going to a movie solo to try and stop obsessing on this for a time and just take a breath..... I will for sure check in tonight and probably hit an update at some point on the weekend....
Brock - I hit on something a moment ago that you said about surrender, and it donned on me, that I am still trying to take control... I think part of the surrender part could simply be removing myself from the equation... I've already chosen to believe in a Higher Power whether I can define it or not... so why am I still trying to be the one 'fighting the battle'... if it's there and it's more powerful... why am I even involved... so to speak.... I typed that in a hurry so it might not make sense... short on time. Thanks for reading!
I'll have to do battle with alcohol my entire life.
highcostofliving wrote:The posts with you all on here today seemed to make a world of difference.... I feel less.... burdened might be the right word.... action steps in place to get back to healthy eating and a run tomorrow have me focused on that and looking forward to dawn for the first time in a few weeks.... and I've been reminding myself to surrender, not fight since Brock mentioned it... caught myself racing to the movie time, naturally hit traffic, my road-terrets kicked in, and this post instantly popped in my head and I thought of the control in that moment.. guess what, I was already in the traffic, I wasn't going to turn around, I was still going to get there... I wasn't going to move the cars or change the movie time... I'm not in control, so relax and just drive....... I"m hoping to continue to apply that within my recovery as well, and for a few short hours so far, it feels much less overwhelming.... so thank you.
Because that song speaks to me, I'll bring it up again, had to be an alcoholic wrote that.... one of my favorite versus "Three days straight was no big feat, get by on no food or sleep and crazy was becoming my new norm" So true for me... especially now, when I look back even to a few days ago... crazy was my normal.... bring on day 4! Thanks for reading.
Mike O wrote:I'll have to do battle with alcohol my entire life.
give alcohol no consideration whatsoever - something which was unthinkable to me when I first stopped drinking.
JohnDaniels wrote: But I was so charged up about my new life, I was like a kid at Christmas taking in all the beauty I'd missed out on. It was like I was being given a gift!
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