New to the forum

[Mada73]

Hi and thank you for reading my post.

I'm Adam 43 UK and I am an alcoholic, I guess deep down I've known for some time as there were a series of incidents a couple of years back that brought my life crashing down around me and I desperately tried to rebuild things with my wife and family, to cut a long story short things between my wife and family have been wonderful for some time, or I may have been deluding myself as in reality all the promises I made to my wife about the drinking have over time eroded as I started to drink more and more again thinking I could control it however it ended up with me again drinking my way through 7-8 bottles of rum p/wk and sometimes sitting there at midday pouring myself a drink.

Sadly once again thanks to my drinking I've destroyed everything good in my life once more, whats worse is I am obviously a violent and mean drinker at times and on this latest occasion not only have I physically hurt my wife but my daughter heard me verbally abusing both my wife and parents! I've hit rock bottom as I can't come to terms what I am and what has happened to those I love the most because of me.

I can't carry on like this and know I need to find some way of stopping before it kills me, for the last 24hrs I've been home alone running things through in my mind over and over and knowing that although my wife has said she is returning home (we were due to be with my parents for their anniversary and she stayed there for the sake of our daughter) I can't help feel that this has now cost me everything and that my wife will be leaving me added to which I've damaged the relationship with my parents and broken my mothers heart and scared my little girl who should never have had to hear my abusive language.

I've arranged to go along to a local AA meeting this evening but at this moment in time I'm driving myself crazy thinking about everything and everyone I've lost with them all for the moment unwilling to speak with me, for good reason.

Sorry for the long introduction but I hoped that writing some of this down might help me in some small way before this evening.

A

[Troy M.]

Adam, welcome. Just go to that meeting tonight and listen. You might find someone you can relate to and who can talk to you one on one about alcoholism. Many of us here have gone through similar circumstances as you. I know what finally sent me into the rooms of AA was the soft ultimatum from my wife to choose my family or the bottle. It took a while for me to get my head clear enough to start working on fixing my family problems but I pretty quickly saw that getting myself healthy using the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous made everything else much easier. You can find the Big Book of AA online and start reading it for free. I would encourage you to at least read the introduction, More About Alcoholism and the Doctor's Opinion as soon as you can.

[avaneesh912]

I've arranged to go along to a local AA meeting this evening but at this moment in time I'm driving myself crazy thinking about everything and everyone I've lost with them all for the moment unwilling to speak with me, for good reason.

Adam, welcome to e-AA. Please understand most of us come to AA after losing something. Some have to lose it all. So, nobody comes to AA on a winning streak. Having said that, early days could be very tumultuous. Hang around with sober people. Study the book (Alcoholics Anonymous) get to know the disease concepts and the solution to overcome the malady.

Good Luck with your recovery.

Nare

[Mada73]

Hi and thanks for the responses and welcome

I've started to read the AA book so thanks for pointing this out, I'm not certain what to expect from the meeting this evening but have hope that it might finally make me realize what I've been doing to myself and those around me for sometime.

Troy in your response you mention getting healthy and I suppose that with all the thinking I've done in the last 24hrs this strikes a note as I truly believe now I stop and look at myself that not only have I been destroying my physical health (haven't gone for a run or the gym since last year at some point) that my mental health has been deteriorating.

I've spoken with my wife this morning who is returning home from my folks and she's already pointed out that she means to have a one sided discussion with me when she gets in, truth be told I know I'm already wrapping myself in knots trying to second guess whats going to be said and if I'm to be told that she intends on asking me to leave and wanting a divorce, which of course is making me anxious and twitchy in itself. Strange thing is that at this exact moment everything is still so raw that I haven't found myself wanting to turn to the bottle as I'm still beating myself up over what has happened and I can't remember the last time I went through a 48hr period and not had a drink or 3!

Thanks once again

A

[Brock]

Welcome here Adam. Your story is something I can relate to, and I expect the people you meet in the meeting later will give similar stories, some perhaps loosing even more than yourself, some less.

Families have been lost on rare occasion never to return, but in cases like yours I have experienced things being mended, but it takes a little time for the trust to return.

Just a couple of things to add to the fine advise given by others, meetings vary both in type, and attendance, it is useful to go to a few different ones to find what you like best. The first few days are certainly the hardest, when your body is detoxing from the alcohol, lack of sleep and general anxiety or 'shakes' make this hard to bear and potentially dangerous. If you can afford it or it is available at no cost, a doctor visit may be a good idea, you may get a mild sedative to assist you over this period, just be really honest with the doctor about the amount you drink. Lastly, please believe that once you do the simple steps of the AA program, the release from that gnawing feeling to drink disappears entirely, it really is quite marvelous.

[Mada73]

Hi Brock and thank you for the welcome and words of encouragement

I may have to look into contacting my local doctor as you suggest as deep down I know that I started the drinking to possibly use as a crutch for other problems and feelings that I was possibly trying to escape from and am only now realizing that it is going to take me being sober to tackle these.

A

[PuppyEars]

I've spoken with my wife this morning who is returning home from my folks and she's already pointed out that she means to have a one sided discussion with me when she gets in

Brutal, this made my insides drop for a second.
Welcome Adam. Hope you can recieve the willingness to get involved in AA. As brock was saying, I have one of those stories where the family was not repaired. If things happen to go that direction, you can send me a pm if you have no one that has been through it.
Come back soon.

[Mada73]

Hi Pup and thanks for the welcome and kind offer to PM you once I've spoken with my wife, to say that anxiety is eating away at me is an understatement!

I'm trying to hang on in for the meeting today at 7.30pm as I just want to make some kind of start in anyway if only to see how it goes later, I'm for the moment just trying to keep my mind busy as to do anything else I know that the way I'm feeling right this moment I could easily decide to pour myself into a bottle

Thanks once again!

[whipping post]

Hi Mada,

It takes a while but a lot of things can be repaired by working the 12 steps of AA. Some things can't. One thing for sure is that nothing will get better without sobriety. I've found that the steps helped me mend some relationships. For the ones that couldn't be mended I am in a better place to handle them than I was when I was drinking thanks to the recovery found in the steps.

Get to that meeting tonight.

Welcome to the board.

[Mada73]

Hi Whip and thanks for the welcome and support very much appreciated!

Well good and bad...

Good...was very good really as my wife has returned home and has said that she is willing to see where we can go with things if I am truly willing to go ahead with AA and truly commit to getting myself help. I know that I need to do it before I end up killing myself and hearing her explain in detail my actions from the other night only reinforced in my mind how far I've fallen I can't continue to put myself or my family and others through that! She knows it's not a quick fix and that this illness will be part of me forever and doesn't simply go away it will take time we both know but knowing she hasn't given up on me completely means so very much!

Bad...I left home to give myself plenty of time to find the meeting place but by the time I did I wasn't able to get anyone's attention at the centre to let me in for the meeting which by then had been running for about 20 mins! I was desperate to attend today as it's now been 2 days sober and the anxieties are quite bad along with a constant headache I can't shift! I just hoped to be able to talk with someone face to face hard to explain what I was expecting or hoping for really but the feeling of disappointment is quite acute at the moment.

I have already found a meeting for Tue in the local area and so will make every effort to ensure I get there on time tomorrow.

A

[beginningagain7]

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to his simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happens, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it---then you are ready to take certain steps.

As some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with alcohol---cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power---that One is God. May you find Him now!

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.

Alcoholics Anonymous, How It Works, pgs 58-59, 4th Edition.

Welcome to E-AA Forums glad that you are here.

[Brock]

Well a little bad news about the meeting, but a lot of good news family wise. The anxiety in the first few days really is bad, probably the cause of the headache as well, this is the main reason I mentioned the doctor, you might have been prescribed something to reduce those symptoms.

In times of need we can often find a friendly ear by Goggling AA Inter group followed by your cities name, (or the closet city). Apart form a list of area meetings they usually give a phone number, and this will be routed to whoever volunteers to answer these calls, at any time of day or night. You will come to find that assisting you in things like this is a pleasure for other alcoholics, it helps them as much as you.

All the best for the meeting tomorrow.

[Mada73]

Thank you for the words of support and advice beginningagain and for the welcome

Brock as you kindly pointed out I have done a search for the local help number and think I might give them a call, I did so last night and the gent who called me back was due to meet me at the meet tonight almost feel as though I've let him down by arriving to late to be let in!

As I said in my OP I haven't been doing any real physical activity since last year after letting my gym membership lapse and so I will try a jog in the morning to try and get myself back on the road to a healthier lifestyle, I know that I used to enjoy running as it always had a way of clearing the mind simply having time out to yourself with some music playing and the road ahead of you

Really appreciate everyone's responses to my post and the welcome's I've received along with the support, although I missed tonight's meet the gracious replies here have certainly shown me that there is a way forward which is something I truly had a hard time believing.

Thanks once again all

[Mike O]

Hi Adam,

That's good that you had that discussion with your wife.

While you wait for the meeting there's no reason why you can't begin to read the Big Book and get started on the steps. No meetings are necessary for this...but, DO go along to a meetings as soon as you can.

You can read the book for free here:
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous

[Mada73]

Hi Mike,

I've started to read through the big book and also now attended a couple of meetings which have been amazing seeing and speaking with people who can truly empathize (and not sympathize) with the feelings, doubts, guilt, etc. etc. etc.

I'm having ups and downs and it's now 5 days sober and I'm simply trying to get through each day simply promising myself I won't drink for 24hrs.

Many thanks for the reply

A