Hard to come back - do I really want it?

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Hard to come back - do I really want it?

Postby angfisher25 » Thu Mar 10, 2016 11:25 pm

My name is Angie and I am an alcoholic. I have come back from about 3 years of off-and-on sobriety time. I had about 7 years sober -- you know what, that is NOT TRUE. I am so used to telling that lie, like the truth isn't sufficient enough. I had probably 4 1/2 years of consecutive sobriety... I had snuck some whiskey one time, bought and drank wine several times, and took some pills. Actually, took A LOT of pills, so I guess I'm an addict, too!! It's hard coming back ALL BECAUSE OF MY EGO. I thought I was a hotshot... sponsoring 12 women, speaking at meetings, putting on workshops, guest speaker at conventions... and it meant NOTHING when it finally caught up with me that I was being dishonest, the big FAKER in AA. So I guess I'll share more later... but main thing right now is I want to be sober and clean... but not all the time!! Ha, ha! Isn't that hilarious! How is that supposed to work??! IT WON'T! So I'm in a place where I am probably thinking too much, and I have forgotten the incomprehensible demoralization of the next day, the pain I caused people, the wrecks, the husband leaving... it's not that I FORGOT... I know that it's because I can't bring into my memory the sufficient force necessary to keep me away from that drink. Man, nice to be back, I GUESS. Well, at least I am here. Thank you all for sharing your own experience.. I read a lot of them earlier.
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Re: Hard to come back - do I really want it?

Postby Duke » Fri Mar 11, 2016 4:08 am

Welcome back Angie. Your honest share is a powerful message to me that I will not soon forget. I wish you the best.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa
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Re: Hard to come back - do I really want it?

Postby clouds » Fri Mar 11, 2016 4:39 am

Hi Angie, thank you for sharing your experience. Many here at e-AA have been where you are at today. I hope you will keep coming back to e-AA and other meetings til something sticks! :)
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: Hard to come back - do I really want it?

Postby whipping post » Fri Mar 11, 2016 5:34 am

Hi Angie. I look forward to hearing more from you. Welcome
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Re: Hard to come back - do I really want it?

Postby avaneesh912 » Fri Mar 11, 2016 5:52 am

I can't bring into my memory the sufficient force necessary to keep me away from that drink.


Very good realization and we need to follow it up with "The defense must come from our own higher power".

Like late Mark H use to say, not a rabbi, not a priest, not even a sponsor in-between. We need a direct relationship with our higher power.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Hard to come back - do I really want it?

Postby D'oh » Fri Mar 11, 2016 6:16 am

Hi Ange, Welcome back and thanks for your Honesty. That is the first step of HOW a way of life , where you won't need or want a drink.

Your storey doesn't differ that much from mine. But I made it back, and looking back I wonder Why I had to put myself and others through it a second time.

Keep coming back.
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Re: Hard to come back - do I really want it?

Postby Layne » Fri Mar 11, 2016 9:03 am

Welcome back Angie. I can relate to your post and know the hell of "Hard to come back - do I really want it?"

Many times I don't know what I want until after I have it, because until I have something and get to experience it. How can I possibly know what it would be like to have it. When I finally surrendered to this simple program and completely worked the 12 steps with no shortcuts, I got to truly experience this side, as opposed to the previously mentioned hell, for the first time.

It was what I wanted all along. It was what I wanted before I ever picked up my first my drink. It was what I sought through alcohol. It was what i wanted through my white knuckle experiences. Through my relapses, etc. etc. etc. All I ever wanted, was just to be comfortable in my own skin. To know peace and serenity. To stop all the noise.

When I started this journey, I didn't know what I wanted,... but for me, this is it.
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Re: Hard to come back - do I really want it?

Postby PaigeB » Fri Mar 11, 2016 12:19 pm

It's hard coming back ALL BECAUSE OF MY EGO. I thought I was a hotshot...

Ditto!

Here is what I found... that kind of secret will KEEP me drunk & addicted! My mind says, "why not?" because without a white chip surrender moment my EGO is not close to being humble enough to do what work is really in front of me to do. EGO will keep lying and heaping lie upon lie and the inner pain will be too much to bear - added to the whole "why not one more" that our brains are programed to! I will say, "I am in another state, no one will know" but I will know. I came here to clear up this inner sickness and in How It Works, it says we can recover IF we have the capacity to be honest... that half measures have availed us nothing ~ except more half measures and then eventually I am ALL IN again! Why not? Nobody knows...

I react better if I ask and answer the question "WHY?" The answer for me is that I want what AA has to offer. I do not want to live in a tortured state of being, I want a real solution. WHY should I get a new start ~ because I want it to be real inside me again. I want to share my real experience because "...the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and the happiness for others." (BB pg 124) I want to be sober. I want to be helpful to others. My dark past is what lights the way for another woman and my truth might save her very life, whereas my lies might condemn her to death by this disease.

Yes, you may lose a few speaking gigs - but they call on you because you are a great speaker ~ not solely based on your time, but on your articulation of the truth. Once you go through the initial surrender and whatever work your sponsor has you do, I am confident that sponsees and speaking gigs will be readily offered again.

I wish you Peace in your journey. If I can do it, you can do it too. Willingness is the key. Willingness as a sharp and piercing ray of sunlight into my dark room of alcoholic pain. I only have to open the door a crack. See that image in your mind ~ you can come through this, stand in the Light. Set down the bottles and walk into the rooms of AA, tell them you need a fresh start and please, know that what a friend of mine says is true - We don't shoot our wounded. My heart is with your heart. We are stronger together.

Go with Love.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Hard to come back - do I really want it?

Postby mollymunch » Sun Mar 27, 2016 11:34 pm

Welcome back Angie & thanks for your HONESTY ! Bring your body along & eventually your head will follow. I drank again after 13 years purely because I stopped *doing the doing*. I used to say never mind all these *yets*, I don't want the *agains* ! All the *agains* happened & a heck of a lot of *yets*. I was back *out there* for 2 years, my pride & ego kept me there longer than needed. Also people who don't go to meetings don't find out what happens to people who don't go to meetings. I got back by the grace of God & the love of people in AA carrying this message back to me. I was welcomed back with open arms into this wonderful, loving fellowship. My fabulous sponsor stuck with me through it all, praying for the miracle to happen again. She told me I had a very strong message to carry (& a warning). I got back, was TOTALLY honest about what had happened, rolled my sleeves up & got stuck into the programme, found a Home Group & got into service - tea, coffee & washing-up to start with (one of the most important roles methinks !) and back to *doing the doing*. I'm now 51/2 yrs sober ONE DAY AT A TIME (this means more to me than ever now). I have my quiet time before I start my day (just God & I), go to frequent meetings, work the 12 steps, talk honestly with my sponsor, do service at my Home Group. work with great sponsees who I learn so much from & carry this wonderful message to other alcoholics. It's very simple really, not easy but definitely simple. The more I put in the more I get out. I've learnt to trust in God & to live life on lifes terms again. I've not contributed here before but another illness sometimes confines me to home so thought I'd give you guys a go whilst I can't make F2F meetings. Who knows ? I may stick around !! Anyway Angie, you've done it before, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. All the best. TTFN
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Re: Hard to come back - do I really want it?

Postby positrac » Tue Mar 29, 2016 3:44 am

nice to be back, I GUESS. Well, at least I am here.


If you want it then you have got to be sick and tired of being sick and tired for this deal to work. I had to fake it until I made it and it meant I went to meetings even when I wanted to make excuses for not going. See once I did 90 meetings in 90 days I found it was a habit and if I didn't go because I wasn't "feeling" it I could feel the remorse of not doing my due diligence for trying to change.

This is an inside job and none of us can make you want it more than we want you to have it! Stop BSing yourself with I GUESS and get going with learning to live sober.

You keep us sober with your experience and hopefully we can keep you sober with our experience as this is a full circle deal called sobriety and we pay it forward to all who want what we have.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
Hopi Proverb
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Re: Hard to come back - do I really want it?

Postby Noels » Sat Apr 09, 2016 6:47 am

Hi Angie, I know I'm posting a bit late but sometimes although late in our time is 'the right time ' for another.
I if I read your post and responded to it on the day it was posted my response would have been totally made up and a bunch of thumb sucking BS. Today though I can sincerely say I understand.
See when I made the decision to stop drinking 7 months and 6 days ago I insisted (against recommendations ) that the red wine decorating the wine rack stay. My argument was that I've never been fond of red wine so it won't bother me. Which it didn't.
Today however I realised that my argument was BS.
Subconsciously I was testing myself. Subconsciously I was saying to myself - 'myself, you have tried and failed so many times before. If you indeed WANT to no longer drink you will not touch that wine. So keep it within immediate reach so you can sneak a sip when everyone's sleeping. They won't know '
I needed to be sure. For myself.
Since I made that honest realisation today I gave my hubby and son permission and asked them to remove the liquor from our home which they kindly did. ( I specifically use the words permission as I'm sure everyone can remember how they felt about their bottles - do not touch )
With this realisation came the knowledge that 'the previous failures ' when I tried to stop drinking doesn't actually count. It can't be counted as those times I didn't really want to stop so I never really tried. .....
Love and light
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Re: Hard to come back - do I really want it?

Postby DennisD » Sat Apr 09, 2016 5:02 pm

Welcome Angie. Thanks for sharing your experience with us!
I'm on my way, I'm on my way to better days, I'll find my way - Breaking Benjamin, Better Days
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