life keeps happening

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matt z
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life keeps happening

Post by matt z »

I am, quickly, approaching my one year anniversary. I have been more insane than usual. Well, I've been looking back at what my life was like around this time one year ago. I am going to be giving my lead at the wabash valley group in IN, where I live. My parents are out of the country and have entrusted me to take care of my 18 year old nephew. I have been angry recently, not at anything in particular. I have been reassured that this is normal behavior. I have been struggling with my pride. Mostly, not sharing from the heart. A couple of weeks ago I found myself talking to an attractive woman in the program who had recently relapsed. I, being such a nice guy, thought I would go and give her some encouraging words. The truth, I saw a beautiful woman and I wanted to talk to her. I babbled on some bull poop story about spirituality. I realized what I was doing while I was talking to her, stopped myself and said, “I don't know what I'm trying to tell you.”. She smiled at me said thank you and walked away. I have talked to my sponsor about this. He says it's ok to be attracted to women. If I'm looking for a date, then I should find a nice single woman that hasn't just relapsed. So, I have been quiet at the meetings I go to. I shared my experience and the shame that came along with it and an old timer told me that that happens. We've l been through it. That made me feel better. Someone also said that god has forgiven us long before we have forgiven ourselves. Have I forgiven myself? Is my obsession with shame the same coin that led me to drink? I talk about these things with my fellow male alcoholics. I talk to the older female alcoholics about it too. That's life happening. How lo g am I willing to let myself be miserable? My sponsor told me to get my head out of my ass the other day, because I was being uber vague with him about "how I was doing". I'm fine, really. I'm really dying one second at a time and I'm only getting sicker because I'm lying and keeping secrets from my sponsor. We talked about it. That's when he told me to get my head outta my buttocks. Time to get honest Matthew. How sick do you want to be. So, I got honest. It was like doing a fifth step all over again, maybe it was a fifth step BC I felt free after I got honest. I ask god everyday to relieve me from the bondage of self and how can I help another human being. Some days I don't fight it and I ride the wave. Other days its all I can do to say the serenity prayer. One thing that has happened, I don't think about drinking through any of it. Imagine that. Me. Pathetic ole me, who couldn't stop drinking one year ago, can now breathe. Most importantly. I did not do this. I owe credit where credit is due, and thanks to my HP, AA and sponsorship and am reasonably content. Thanks to all of you that are here. You helped me out immensely in my first few months of sobriety.
I always wanted to write something clever and cute, but then i realized that neither one have done much for me.

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ann2
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Re: life keeps happening

Post by ann2 »

Wow, matt, that was a drop-dead awesome share. Thank you!

And guess what, you probably helped that girl. Maybe no one had thought she was beautiful for a long long time.

I know I really appreciated being watched over by my big brother buddies in my home group. I was never bothered and you know why? Because a vietnam vet and a biker stared any guy down who came up to me with less than honest intentions.

Of course it took me decades of sobriety to realize that.

You too can be the secret bodyguard, for a private amends ... if you feel you need to deal with the shame in some manner . . . just a suggestion :)

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

happycamper
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Re: life keeps happening

Post by happycamper »

Hi Matt,
Yep, it all sounds pretty normal to me . I remember when I was approaching a year of sobriety... I was SO squirrely, and just knew I was gonna drink and blow it all! Thanks be to God, AA, and my sponsor , I didnt.

And yes, life keeps happening. And I am learning to try and relax, take it easy, breathe, stay calm and trust God. My sponsor Mary, may She rest in peace was always trying to get me to slow down, and finally I am beginning to realize that she was right :D . She , for the most part always has been right and has never steered me wrong.

When I stay close to program, ppl and God, I do so much better.
Faith without works is dead

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Frankie
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Re: life keeps happening

Post by Frankie »

happycamper wrote:Yep, it all sounds pretty normal to me . I remember when I was approaching a year of sobriety... I was SO squirrely.
Great share Matt!!

:D I get squirrely each time I've approached another year, but now I'm a little more prepared for the squirrelyness and take actions to keep myself close to things that help to keep me sober. Once I went looking for another sponsee :) and I got her. She was so good for me that I had forgotten about the up coming anniversary until the morning of, when my sponsor called to tell me happy anniversary. :D I will also pick up on my meetings and chair meetings more often.

Keep Steppin' Matt, you'll get back to the place that we all would like to be all the time.

Lali
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Re: life keeps happening

Post by Lali »

I believe Frankie had the right idea: Immerse yourself in service work.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

nori
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Re: life keeps happening

Post by nori »

Thanks Matt! This gives me a little more faith in the men in AA :mrgreen:

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rayurrutia
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Re: life keeps happening

Post by rayurrutia »

matt z wrote: A couple of weeks ago I found myself talking to an attractive woman in the program who had recently relapsed. I, being such a nice guy, thought I would go and give her some encouraging words. The truth, I saw a beautiful woman and I wanted to talk to her. I babbled on some bull poop story about spirituality. I realized what I was doing while I was talking to her, stopped myself and said, “I don't know what I'm trying to tell you.”. She smiled at me said thank you and walked away.
It's good that you recognize, the wanting to take advantage of that woman in her weak state of mind. If you look deep within yourself you'll see other times where you did take advantage and came-out ahead. If you're thinking about doing it now, you done it before, thats old thinking. You done good by realizing what you was doing was wrong, and you kept it honest. I hope that things go well, while you stay focus on doing the right-thing.

Whitfield87
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Re: life keeps happening

Post by Whitfield87 »

The fact that you have accepted his fact is a huge step forward. The same happened to me, at the beginning I was so devastated but after a couple of month i came up with the same conclusion as you.



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