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The moment I have been waiting for

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 12:12 am
by LadyByrd
Hi everyone

I haven't been on here much lately, because I realised much as I wanted to stop drinking and stay stopped, for some reason I wasn't ready and I couldn't do it. I never forgot about the forum though - it was always at the back of my mind.

Yesterday I saw my doctor (on an unrelated matter) and we discussed my drinking. I was nervous mentioning it but he was so kind, we had a lovely chat and he confirmed what I already know - that my drinking is a problem. I told him that I hoped to stop without having to see him again, but he said to come back if I was having trouble stopping, which was really nice. When i got home I re-read Chapter One of the BB.

My husband and I have been discussing my drinking, and he still hoped that I can drink on special occasions. This troubled me because I can see that such a thing is not possible, that I'm better and happier not drinking at all. To prove the point to him, I bought a single bottle of wine (he had one too). I was adamant that it would be the only bottle I would have. Of course, when I only had one glass left I started hinting "have you had enough?" "do you want some more" he got a bit cross and told me not to go but I went up the road and got a bottle of Cava which we shared.

I think he is finally beginning to understand now :)

This morning I woke up retching -that would be the Cava. I went back to bed and shivered and fretted a bit. There had been a little blood and that reminded me of the harm I am doing to my stomach let alone the rest of my body. Sorry to be so graphic but I want to tell the whole truth and we've all been there I expect :roll: Anyway as I lay there stressing I suddenly rolled on to my knees and said the Lord's Prayer in my head - I couldn't speak. Then that I had no control over my drinking and I needed His help. I stayed in that position for a few minutes, then I felt relaxed enough to lie down again.

As I lay there a tremendous sense of peace came over me and I had a moment of clarity. I knew then that I didn't want to drink any more, but more importantly I am now ready to stop. I realise that I don't even like alcohol. That there is a whole world out there for me to enjoy without the shadow of drink looming over me. I even feel I could go to a restaurant, and enjoy a really good meal, with everyone drinking around me while I am happy with a soft drink. I think this was the moment I wanted so badly and have been waiting for - to feel peaceful and ready.

All I can say is,thank God for this feeling I currently have.I actually feel euphoric. There is no anger. I feel ready at last. I feel so happy (despite my headache) that I could burst. That aside, I know I have to work hard to stay sober. I am reading the book today. I am seeing if I can get to a meeting soon - if I can't then I will join one online.

Thanks, as always, for listening to me.

LB

Re: The moment I have been waiting for

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 1:41 am
by ann2
Dear LB, thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is real and even if the feeling fades, the fact of it happening will never disappear. (Especially since you were so clever as to write it here).

I can recommend the booklet "Came To Believe" for similar evidence . . . .

I think our higher powers really really love the opportunity to make themselves apparent in our lives. your complete surrender and willingness opened the door for your HP to show up. Keep that door open :-)

Big hugs,

Ann

Re: The moment I have been waiting for

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 2:22 am
by Mike O
That there is a whole world out there for me to enjoy without the shadow of drink looming over me.
Yes, there is.
:D
That's a wonderful post, Ladybyrd. Thanks for sharing it.
Go to your step work now, without delay.

Re: The moment I have been waiting for

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 3:42 am
by Frankie
Thank you so much for sharing! I have tears in my eyes that are causing me a bit of trouble with typing :D You took my back to my own request for help, and just before I came to A.A. I too wanted to not drink, but I didn't know how. A.A. and the people in the meetings showed me how. I hope this experience stays with you. I sometimes need help remembering this time in my life and today I grateful to you for helping me remember.

Re: The moment I have been waiting for

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 5:32 am
by LadyByrd
Thanks all so much for the encouragement. I am feeling pretty good right now and your support helps a lot, I'm glad my posting has helped you Frankie, that's great to know :D

My husband and I have just had a really good discussion about a project he has to do at work, I can't remember the last time we communicated so well, I think my feeling is rubbing off on to him a little bit. We talked briefly about drink again. It has been such a huge topic of conversation in our household and caused us both considerable stress, so now we will talk about it as little as possible. He has stated categorically that he does not want me to go to a face to face meeting. As because of where I live and transport issues it would be difficult for me to attend more than one a week anyway, this isn't too big an issue, but I have asked him to let me know if he changes his mind on this issue as I would like to try one. He also says he doesn't think my drink problem is that bad but I have explained to him that it is not a matter of poor discipline, it is that my (alcoholic) mind will not allow me to drink sensibly and I feel happier not drinking at all. I may have to repeat this robotic style in times to come, but that doesn't matter, the important thing is that I know I cannot drink. Whatever his feelings, he will support my efforts as much as he can. I have told him that whilst I would respect his wish and not attend a face to face meeting, I will be attending them online. His only issue with that was that I don't give my real name. I had to smile at this point, and remind him that it's Alcoholics Anonymous for a reason :roll:

The nice thing about this conversation was that - apart from the fact that we didn't get cross with each other but discussed it in a level headed way - is that it didn't dim the happy feeling that I have had since I made the post earlier this morning. It hasn't discouraged me in the slightest. As Ann said earlier, the feeling may well fade but I will never forget it and I believe if I work at it, I can feel better than I have ever done.

I have re-read the first four chapters of the BB and will continue reading today and will pay particular attention to the steps. I want to start working with them right away as Mike suggests, hopefully I have made a start with Steps 1 and 2 already but I recognise that it's an ongoing, long-term thing.

LB

Re: The moment I have been waiting for

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 7:33 am
by Tosh
LadyByrd wrote:Whatever his feelings, he will support my efforts as much as he can. I have told him that whilst I would respect his wish and not attend a face to face meeting, I will be attending them online. His only issue with that was that I don't give my real name. I had to smile at this point, and remind him that it's Alcoholics Anonymous for a reason :roll:
I think you're doing great, LB, however I do have some concerns that you currently won't be going to a face-to-face meeting. Can I ask why your husband doesn't want you to go?

Re: The moment I have been waiting for

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 8:28 am
by LadyByrd
Tosh wrote:
I think you're doing great, LB, however I do have some concerns that you currently won't be going to a face-to-face meeting. Can I ask why your husband doesn't want you to go?
Hi Tosh, course you can!

I think it's mainly because he's in denial about how serious my problem is, ergo he thinks I don't "need" to go. He's also not too well at the moment, so maybe that's hindering his ability to accept what I am saying; I know he thinks I will drink again one day. He has had to put up with a lot of nonsense from me and I owe it to him to give him time to see real change. To be fair, a big part of our free time together camping, holidays going on trips and so on, was being able to relax with a few drinks; he now has to get his head around that changing - although he can still drink. Whereas I can visualise us doing those same things, drinking a soft drink and being perfectly happy - another progression because if you remember before I was worried about Christmas and so on, at this moment in time I'm not concerned (although I accept there will be times when I have to deal with temptation and that's why it's so important I do the step work!)

I should also say that the meeting I suggested going to is a Saturday one in the next village to ours - I think he is worried about people from our village being there and "knowing' about it - he's a very private person and doesn't like people knowing our business. Whereas at the lunchtime meeting in the city where I work it is less likely I would meet someone I know - although to be honest that doesn't really both me. My shyness is more of an issue I think. If I went though, I think I'd have to tell him afterwards. I feel I have to be honest.

My current plan is this: wait for a moment when I feel he would be comfortable discussing the issue, and then introduce to him the idea I try the city meeting. I am tempted to suggest that now but I think I need to be a little patient and wait for an opportune moment rather than force the issue, besides the meeting in question isn't until next Wednesday and I am not at work this week. In the meantime I will try an online meeting and see how that goes. I'd be interested to know if anyone else doesn't go to face to face meetings and can stay sober exclusively using online resources. Another thing is that because of where I live and work would only be able to attend two a week maximum in different locations. I get the impression that for many people they need to go every day or nearly every day, and for me even with my husband's agreement that would be technically impossible!

Any thoughts on the above would be much appreciated!

LB

Re: The moment I have been waiting for

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 10:11 am
by Todd M
Starting each day, with a prayer, even before I get out of Bed... Helped me on day one, and every day since.
Ending everyday with a Prayer is Good for me too.
and anytime, many times, durring a day, Prayer helps.

The AA Program of Unity, Steps, and Service is a wonderful way to stay on track, and stay sober.
the anonymity is very powerful. I have been amazed often how well most members respect anonymity.

Wonderful to hear other's share.
Always a pleasure to meet new people ready to Get Sober.

Love ya All, TbearTodd
Thank you God, Thank you God, Thank you God

Re: The moment I have been waiting for

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 11:27 am
by RustyS
Hi LadyByrd, I'm happy for you. Keep it up.

Would it be possible for you to get an online sponsor and speak with her on the phone using Skype or something similar?

I go to f2f meetings and have f2f meetings with my sponsor as well as talking on the home with him almost every day. It's easier for me because I have meetings nearby and I drive. I'm sure you can make it work online if you commit to it 100%. I think I had read that one of the guys here in these forums never went to f2f meetings and only met with his sponsor on the phone.

Take care,
Rusty

Re: The moment I have been waiting for

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 1:14 pm
by Lali
Two meetings a week is better than none... Good luck, LB, we're here for you!

Re: The moment I have been waiting for

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 4:04 pm
by happycamper
Early this morning on your knee's saying the Lords Prayer you may very well have had a spiritual awakending that will allow you to see the light as far as your drinking is concerned.

Meetings wont keep you sober, but they will help. You will find a wonderful fellowship of ppl in a face 2 face setting who are ready and willing to help you.

I had an internet sponsor for over 7 yrs. Mary was wonderful! She knew the book, she had a tremendous amount of experience, strength and hope to share with me. She was a great teacher. And, since her passing this summer I miss her terribly.

I would highly suggest attending some f2f meetings and search for a woman sponsor. Why deny yourself the opportunity to form a long, lasting relationship like you have never had before?

Keep coming back LB ... You will get better... one day at a time.

Re: The moment I have been waiting for

Posted: Thu Nov 10, 2011 12:17 am
by LadyByrd
Day 2 :) got out of bed this morning with a smile on my face after prayers :) I think in my earlier efforts I didn't make enough of an attempt to communicate with God as I should have done, and I really feel His presence, when I pray, and afterwards.

Thanks for all the messages and advice about meetings. I have also prayed on the subject, including the serenity prayer - a prayer I love and use all the time - and I have made a decision. At this time I cannot go to f2f meetings, although I don't rule them out in the future. Husband's objections aside, it is a simple matter of time and transportation issues - maybe I should learn to drive one day when I can afford it!!!!! :) . So I have accepted this and will move forward. What I AM going to do is continue to study the Big Book, work on my steps, post here, find out more about sponsors and getting one online,and - today! - attend an online meeting. No holding back, no excuses - take a deep breath - jump (log) in and go for it! So although I'm going to read the rules etc. before I log in, any advice on these would be gratefully received! For example, do I use the same user name and password to join, and can I log in to any meeting?

I'm nervous but really excited about doing this, and being able to do it today! :mrgreen:

LB

Re: The moment I have been waiting for

Posted: Thu Nov 10, 2011 9:28 am
by johnd
Thank you LB,
I appreciate your sincere desire and hope you never lose that willingness to continue on. When I had my last drink I didn't know what was going to happen from that moment on I literally had no moral support from my friends or family. (Except for my Irish grandmother who had seen what this disease had done to us all). at 1st I really didn't want to attend meetings and I was trying to carry the load alone as we say, but as time went by the intervention of my HP I ended up attending meetings because there was no where else for me to go. Grateful I never drank during that period but I was an emotional wreck I had to bottom out before I realized that I truly am powerless by myself. So it got better slowly ODAT and now I have 25 years of unbelievable sobriety. I just showed up listened got a sponsor got involved and the HP took care the rest so we are all here for you I will check in from time to time to read your posts so please just keep coming on line and keep asking those questions. Beleive it or not you are helping us as much as we are helping you. God Bless and Good Luck :D I'm John Grateful Alcoholic

Re: The moment I have been waiting for

Posted: Thu Nov 10, 2011 4:15 pm
by Mike O
LB,
It's exciting to read about your progress. You'll enjoy the online meetings.
:D

Re: The moment I have been waiting for

Posted: Fri Nov 11, 2011 1:13 am
by LadyByrd
Good morning everyone :D Day 3

Prayers interrupted by husband yelling upstairs that he'd made a pot of tea :roll: will resume at an opportune moment very shortly.

Not that I'm not grateful for the tea :mrgreen:

Today's plan consists of re-reading Chapter 5, as I need to get my head around Step 4 a bit more (luckily I am off work this week so have more time than usual) The first three steps I think are progressing OK, I'm trying not to tick them off as 'done' as such as keeping them going bit like those chaps from when I was little, who spins all those plates on poles and has to keep an eye on any that are about to slow down and fall off and keep 'em spinning. It's great to feel that I have done Step 1 for sure, but I feel I need to 'keep' it done if that makes sense?

I also intend to go to another meeting today.

Have a good day everyone and thanks for listening to my thoughts and words!

LB