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Day 3...and struggling (updated...day 14!)

Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2011 11:51 am
by jackie8226
I know I'm an alcoholic, I've known for years...I just didn't care. People told me to quit, to go to AA so I went to AA, but I didn't quit. I wasn't ready. Woke up Wednesday hungover after getting just trashed, feeling guilt, embarassment, shame and finally asked myself "Why do I do this to myself? This ISN'T fun?" And, the thing is, I actually HAD fun the night before so why the shame, why the guilt? Because it wasn't really fun, I was finding myself back in a place that I had been a month ago that I had been for more than a decade. I just recently moved away from my home of 10 years, left the state and any friends, moved in with family and since I had changed locations, I figured I would be fine to drink every once in awhile, to drink "normally." And I did, I had a couple with cousins, but then whenever I got bored or lonely did I look for anything constructive to do? Nope, I went to the bar to drink with strangers. And I got trashed at the bar with strangers and walked home alone, tried to hide the fact that I was drunk from my relatives and passed out - fun, right? Now, I've been to 2 meetings and been sober since Wednesday and will be spending time constructively tonight with relatives but all I want to do is be done with work (I work from home), go to the bar for a quick beer or 2 and then meet up with the fam for dinner. I know I'd be fine...obviously I'd be with family the rest of the night, no sneaking there...and I feel like it'd be ok but then why am I bothering to try to be sober? I mean I want to not drink to get trashed but I don't do that all the time. Ugh...intellectually, I get it - I know that if I continue to casually drink, I'll get back to the place where I'm getting embarassingly & dangerously trashed...even if only some days, thats not ok. But, why do I feel such a strong impulse to just grab 1 quick beer and come back to work?

Re: Day 3...and struggling

Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2011 12:27 pm
by Mike O
Hi Jackie,
Welcome to the group here.
Thanks for your share there.
At your meetings, have you been introduced to the Big Book and informed about the 12 Step programme? These steps are the key to sobriety. Many think that just attending meetings is what the programme entails, and then wonder why they've drunk again even though they attended a meeting every day.
Read the book; work the steps as suggested in the book.

-Mike :D

Re: Day 3...and struggling

Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2011 12:59 pm
by jackie8226
Sharing does help...gets the thoughts out. And definitely the more I think about it, what would having the beer do? I would have the beer, have to cover the beer breath, lie to my family or admit that I couldn't even go 3 days and that wouldn't be ok. Its not worth it. I want to go to my meeting tomorrow and say I made it 3 days, I made it 4 days. I do have the big book...my dad gave me one :) and I do plan on getting a sponsor tomorrow. I want to do this - I just can't believe how much the thought just consumes sometimes. I do wish I could go to a meeting instead of to the family event but this online forum helps...a lot. One day at a time...heck, one hour at a time...

Re: Day 3...and struggling

Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2011 2:54 pm
by Lali
Welcome! You can buy BB at most meetings. I would suggest that you get one tonight at the meeting.
There's also a link to the BB online which I don't happen to know but someone will come along with it. I love e-AA, but because I live alone, I go to a lot of face to face meetings so that I don't isolate.

Re: Day 3...and struggling

Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2011 2:57 pm
by Tosh
jackie8226 wrote: But, why do I feel such a strong impulse to just grab 1 quick beer and come back to work?
Hi Jackie, can I ask you a drinking question?

If you had that one beer, would you feel comfortable just having that one? Or would you feel more uncomfortable just having one (or two) beers and then just not drinking?

It's usually our experience that having just a few drinks is worse than having no drinks, because once we take the first drink, it triggers off an even bigger craving. Have you experienced this? I used to call it the taste. I'd plan to just have a 'couple', get the 'taste' and then end up drunk. I thought that was the way everyone reacted to drinking, but no, not everyone experiences this. My partner can have one-or-two drinks, and she can just leave it, and feel perfectly comfortable; but she's not an alkie.

It's good to explore our drinking! And welcome to the forum.

Regards,

Tosh

Re: Day 3...and struggling

Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2011 4:05 pm
by Mike O
jackie8226 wrote: I do have the big book...my dad gave me one :) and I do plan on getting a sponsor tomorrow. .
That's great, but remember the importance of the Big Book is that it contains the 12 Steps suggested as being necessary to achieve and maintain sobriety. I hope you'll get to them immediately. A sponsor is not necessary for you to begin, though some find it to be helpful.
Just reading the book is good but it's NOT the answer.

Re: Day 3...and struggling

Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2011 8:31 am
by leejosepho
jackie8226 wrote:... the more I think about it, what would having the beer do? I would have the beer, have to cover the beer breath, lie to my family or admit that I couldn't even go 3 days and that wouldn't be ok. Its not worth it. I want to go to my meeting tomorrow and say I made it 3 days, I made it 4 days ...
Others here have already touched on this, and there is one of two places we can see the challenge of looking past the alcohol and considering the facts of our *alcoholism*. A desire to stop forever can come about after we have learned for ourselves "there is no such thing as making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic." ("A.A.", the book, page 31), and then we must also admit the kind of thing you have just mentioned. At first, I had tremendous difficulty even admitting to myself that I could not go for more than about three or four days before having to drink again, but hearing others share the same about themselves finally helped make that possible. Some people in today's AA will pat you on the back for not drinking, but that is never helpful for the real alcoholic. Rather, we "pat each other on the back", so to speak, for finally "giving up the fight" and accepting some real help in order to escape our otherwise-hopeless state.

Re: Day 3...and struggling

Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2011 7:04 am
by jackie8226
Thank you all for your responses! I made it through the weekend and now on Day 6 :) I know my thinking is disordered about alcohol and drugs because of my disease and its really incredible how sneaky the disease is and how many times a day I think about having a drink. I went to 5 meetings over the weekend and every one of them truly helped. I plan on getting a sponsor tonight...I am just finding that I don't have a clue what to do with any down time, any time that I don't have something else to do, so I just go to meetings. And I'm going to keep going, and keep talking, and really start working the program because I do not want to drink, I do not want to use, I know that there is no point to either because there is nothing good that could possibly come from it, and most likely lots of bad consequences. And for today, I'm not going to drink.

Re: Day 3...and struggling

Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2011 7:34 am
by RustyS
Welcome Jackie, keep it up!

--Rusty

Re: Day 3...and struggling

Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2011 9:40 am
by Tosh
jackie8226 wrote:I am just finding that I don't have a clue what to do with any down time, any time that I don't have something else to do, so I just go to meetings.
That's great, Jackie, and I remember that feeling well. It's like when I stopped drinking, a massive hole opened up in my life and time went very very slowly. So if you can get to as many meetings as possible, in the early days, that's great. Boredom is dangerous stuff.

I hope all goes well with the sponsor, and as you work your way through the steps, you will find that mental obsession to drink removed, and 'time' becomes easier to handle, and then you get to the other place where you're so busy, you don't know how to pack it all in. Balance eh? :mrgreen:

Re: Day 3...and struggling

Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2011 5:58 pm
by Sally
down time??? i remember my first sponsor shaking her head at me and promptly inviting me over
to move the furniture around her family room-
and she gave me a list- rent a carpet cleaner, paint a room- clean windows- inside and out- rake
leaves- walk the dog- no dog?? walk a neighbors dog - or 2 - adopt a highway, clean the pool- my frist sponsor had one of those
too-
clean the garage- clean the basement- you get the point- what was recommended
to me was don't turn on the TV or try to read- get up and move - that was the message-
worked for me.
Sally

Re: Day 3...and struggling

Posted: Tue Nov 08, 2011 3:04 am
by ann2
Ah yes, enjoy the "nothing to do" time while it lasts -- sobriety has a way of making use of you! lol

Ann in Sweden

Re: Day 3...and struggling

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 9:03 am
by jackie8226
It's been a week *pats self on back* and still going. Had a REALLY difficult last few days emotionally...its so different to actually FEEL emotions instead of being able to numb them out and ignore them. But, I got a sponsor :D and I did NOT drink and will not use today (or tomorrow but I'm trying to take it day by day). I had a hard time with the last few AA meetings, just was not connecting, felt even more lonely and like I wasn't fitting in at all - and if I can't fit in with a bunch of alcoholic/addicts, where the hell do I fit in? So glad to have a sponsor now though who A) is going to get me to new meetings B) is going to introduce me to people she thinks I will connect well with and C) is someone amazing to talk to and will get my butt in gear. Excited for the next few days and appreciative of this program...and being sober today.

Re: Day 3...and struggling

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 9:30 am
by LadyByrd
Well done Jackie, congratulations on making the week, keep up the good work!

LB

Re: Day 3...and struggling

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 12:02 pm
by RustyS
Wow, you got a sponsor already? That's great! It took me a while to get a sponsor because I always have a hard time making decisions.

Congratulations on a week too. Keep it up!

--Rusty