Gutting it out last night

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RustyS
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Gutting it out last night

Post by RustyS »

Hi all, I'm Rusty and I'm an alcoholic,

I feel really stupid. Today is the tenth day of my recovery. Last night I wanted a drink more than anything. I gutted it out. I didn't call anyone. I skipped my meeting to go trick-or-treating with my 7 year old daughter. I got home from trick-or-treating and I guess I was irritable, restless, and discontent. I got pissed that my couch pillow was missing, and my wife wanted to watch soap operas, etc.. I started ranting. She got pissed. I don't blame her, but she doesn't help. I just went to bed rather than argue with her. As I laid in bed I wanted a drink. It was early, the liquor store was still open. I was stone cold sober and could drive without getting a DWI. ARG! Part of me wanted to phone an AA friend. I had plenty of numbers to call. I just hate to call people and whine to them. It makes me feel like a weak person. It just goes against everything I learned as a young man. Men don't whine. (Oddly it's ok to whine online because you guys don't know me, lol.) So instead I gutted it out and went to sleep eventually.

What the heck? Obviously I'm an alcoholic since quitting drinking is this hard. But what's the use? If this is the way it's going to be then why even bother? I hate being sober. I want oblivion. When I drink I ruin my life, I ruin the lives of everyone around me. I wake up sick every morning and drag my hungover ass to work. I try to pretend that I'm useful all day. Then I come home and get obliviated again so I don't have to think about how horrible my life is in my free time.

Now, I just think about how horrible my life is without the aid of alcohol to dull the pain. I feel like I can't do this. It's too hard. I feel like God doesn't exist. I've prayed for him to somehow let me know what His will is. But I can't hear it. How am I supposed to divine God's will? I desperately want to do God's will. I desperately want to know Him. But He doesn't speak to me. Why can't He be more clear when I've turned my life over to Him to do His will?

Tonight I'm going to a "book study". Last week we read a story about an alcoholic biker and then talked about how we could relate to him. I said I couldn't relate and passed. Everyone else reminisced about how they were party animals and rode motorcycles and danced in the streets. I don't even want to go. I hate that stuff. Honestly, I don't care about how awesome you were when you were a party animal and rode motor cycles and danced in the streets. I hate people like that. They drank to have fun. I never had fun when I was drunk. Even if I tried to have fun drinking at a party I would drink too much (because I can't control my drinking) started acting like a jerk, tried to pick fights, ended up throwing up, passing out, or other random party ruining things. I mostly drank to kill the horrible miserable pain that makes me want to drink myself to death and forget about how messed up my life is. Seriously, I don't want to hear how awesome a party animal they were. I don't want to hear them FONDLY remembering how fun drinking was for them. It makes me hate them. If I have to hear more of that crap I will drink. They are not helping me at all.

I'll go to the meeting. Maybe we will actually study the book during our "book study", somehow I doubt it.

I've been sober 10 days and all I have to do is make it just one more day.

Mike O
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Re: Gutting it out last night

Post by Mike O »

So, where are you in the 12 Steps? Are you working through the steps as it's suggested in the book?

RustyS
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Re: Gutting it out last night

Post by RustyS »

I don't have a sponsor. I thought I had done steps 2 and 3 but now I'm doubtful.

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Karl R
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Re: Gutting it out last night

Post by Karl R »

If this is the way it's going to be then why even bother?
Ah....but it doesn't have to be that way. Keep taking some steps (12 of them)...and the restless, irritable, and discontent, as well as the mental obsession will gradually be replaced by something better. Much better. (My experience).
about how horrible my life is without the aid of alcohol to dull the pain.
I found this entirely true until I replaced the absent alcohol with something better with the process of taking steps

I desperately want to know Him.
So continue taking steps and a knowledge of a Power greater then yourself will grow within you. Guaranteed.
Everyone else reminisced about how they were party animals and rode motorcycles and danced in the streets
Find a Group where the fellows share about all three ranges of their experience. What it was like (drunkalog), what happened, and most importantly...what it's like now. Yeah.....the drunkalogs get me down sometimes. At first they made me thirsty. But I gradually found the Fellowship I sought and Fellows in A.A. who were like minded.
Why can't He be more clear when I've turned my life over to Him to do His will?
You might wish to have a read of the last sentence on page 63 and the very first paragraph on page 64 in our book. Let us know what that paragraph means to you. Three is a decision. It's usually best followed with action. (4th).

Rusty....you're doing great for 10 days. Keep up the good work. You might find it helpful---especially as you approach your 4th step to recruit a trusted friend or sponsor who has had a spiritual awakening as the result of some step taking to share with you what they did.

kindest regards,
Karl

RustyS
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Re: Gutting it out last night

Post by RustyS »

Thanks guys. I'm sorry for dumping all this on y'all. I suck at interacting with people in real life. I feel like I can't be myself f2f. I have like a dual life. the person I present in real life is not really me. This is part of the reason I don't have a sponsor. I'm afraid to get close to people. Maybe I'm afraid they will see the real me and I can't deal with that. I don't know I'm just rambling now.
Karl R wrote:
I desperately want to know Him.
So continue taking steps and a knowledge of a Power greater then yourself will grow within you. Guaranteed.
Ok. I'll just gut it out and go on faith that you're right. I really want to know Him.
Karl R wrote:
Why can't He be more clear when I've turned my life over to Him to do His will?
You might wish to have a read of the last sentence on page 63 and the very first paragraph on page 64 in our book. Let us know what that paragraph means to you. Three is a decision. It's usually best followed with action. (4th).
I read the paragraph. It means to me that the decision to make the third step is crucial and vital, but could not have a permanent effect unless followed at once by step 4. Liquor is a symptom of a larger problem. To fix the source of the problem I need to do step 4. Wow, deep. You found the perfect prargraph. Thanks.

I've already read the part of the book on step 4. I listened to the Joe and Charlie talk on step 4. I've put it off. I don't want to face my demons. But if I don't I'm going to drink.
Karl R wrote:Rusty....you're doing great for 10 days. Keep up the good work. You might find it helpful---especially as you approach your 4th step to recruit a trusted friend or sponsor who has had a spiritual awakening as the result of some step taking to share with you what they did.
Thanks Karl. I don't know how I'm going to pick a sponsor. It's not for lack of willing men in my group. I've got phone numbers. Men have approched me and asked if I've thought about getting a sponsor. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I could pick the wrong person. I'm a weird person. I have no friends. I have a wife, but she doesn't know me either. I don't let her know the real me. The closest I can come to letting osmeone know the real me is online. And even then online friends don't see me. Don't know where I live. Etc. Dang. I just need to suck it up and talk to a real life man and do this or drink. What's the worst that could happen? The best thing that could happen is all the promises in the BB could come true.

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Layne
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Re: Gutting it out last night

Post by Layne »

Why can't He be more clear when I've turned my life over to Him to do His will?
Just because you want him to be more clear doesn't mean that is the way things should be. You are getting your answers, input, and guidance from God but you are not hearing it. Open your mind and your heart. Look for the messages in different places and from different messengers. The way you are expecting to receive your answers is not working, so try new ones. Repeating non working methods and or behavior "will" result in the same results.

Sober life does get better. You are on here talking about life instead of trying to drown it. May not be fun at the moment, but it is better. If you are talking about it here, then why not use the phone as well. Instead of picking up a bottle, pick up the phone. The life you may save, may be the one on the other end.

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Karl R
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Re: Gutting it out last night

Post by Karl R »

I'm a weird person. I have no friends. I have a wife, but she doesn't know me either. I don't let her know the real me. The closest I can come to letting osmeone know the real me is online. And even then online friends don't see me. Don't know where I live. Etc. Dang.
Crud Rusty......this is something that I could have written back in 2008. I identify. There is nothing special or scary about the 4th step. The directions are in the book. Columns and rows: resentment inventory, fear inventory, sex/relationship inventory, harms inventory. All in columns and rows.

Part of the deal with asking for help, whether one calls them a sponsor or a trusted friend, is it's an action which indicates some ego deflation. A sign that one has internalized step 1-3. I can't....but with help I can find a HP who can. A sign that one is ready to surrender some of the selfish/self-centeredness.
But if I don't I'm going to drink.
Quite bluntly-yes. or be miserable with the spiritual malady (restless, irritable, discontent).

regards,
Karl

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Re: Gutting it out last night

Post by Lali »

Rusty, If it makes you feel any better, I have very few fond memories of drinking. My memories are dark and they include coming to (3 times) in a jail cell, stinking of alcohol and sweat, withdrawing from alcohol, cigarettes and my medications, hot and cold sweats. My job sent me to rehab but when I went back to work I wound up walking out of a great paying job, great benefits (12 years at a prestigious law firm) because it interfered with my drinking. I now wanted to drink 24/7 as I did weekends. I had spent my last 3 months of alcoholism in a blackout. Wondering later what all I might have done... Alcoholism is progressive. Even during your periods of sobriety, the disease is progressing. I can attest to that. Anyway, I cannot stress enough the importance of talking to someone when you are having urges. I had a problem with that at first, too, but I realized not only is it vital, no one looks down on you because we are all going through the same thing. The shame is not in talking about it, it is in NOT talking about it.

Like Ann said, you are doing good for 10 days. Look for different meetings until you find ones you like, but don't give up before the miracle happens (as I have heard said). The program works - if you work it.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

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Todd M
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Re: Gutting it out last night

Post by Todd M »

day ten... ur right where ur supossed to be... if it were easy... we would not need all this aa stuff

Hang on to ur Read-End... the ride has just begun... there are some really good times ahead
ur worth it... it gets better... we are worth it

Love ya man
There is Hope, Todd M
Keep it Simple

The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link:
http://www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php

RustyS
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Re: Gutting it out last night

Post by RustyS »

Thank you all. I just think I realized something. The HP could be speaking to me through y'all.

I sucked it up and called a guy and asked him to be my sponsor. I have a sponsor now. It was real hard, but y'all helped convince me that if I didn't do it I was going to go back to drinking.
Layne wrote:You are on here talking about life instead of trying to drown it. May not be fun at the moment, but it is better.
You're right. And because e-AA exists, I have benefited. I gotta say, getting sober would have been a whole lot harder, if not impossible, if it weren't for my online friends here at e-AA. Thank you all.
Karl R wrote:Crud Rusty......this is something that I could have written back in 2008. I identify.
Thanks Karl. I'm glad I'm not the only one. Sometimes I feel like a complete weirdo.
Lali wrote:I cannot stress enough the importance of talking to someone when you are having urges. I had a problem with that at first, too, but I realized not only is it vital, no one looks down on you because we are all going through the same thing. The shame is not in talking about it, it is in NOT talking about it.
Thanks Lali. I have to remember that.
TbearTodd wrote:day ten... ur right where ur supossed to be... if it were easy... we would not need all this aa stuff

Hang on to ur Read-End... the ride has just begun... there are some really good times ahead
ur worth it... it gets better... we are worth it

Love ya man
Thanks Tbear. I sure am looking forward to those better times.

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Tosh
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Re: Gutting it out last night

Post by Tosh »

Well done on getting the sponsor, Rusty. That's really well done; it's not easy asking someone to sponsor you; at least I didn't find it easy (I've had two).

Tell your sponsor your keen to get to work on the steps. You probably don't think they'll work; we all thought that; but they do. Clancy describes them as a series of actions we do that we don't believe in.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

RustyS
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Re: Gutting it out last night

Post by RustyS »

Thanks Tosh. I'm meeting with him tomorrow after our AA meeting. I'm really looking forward to it.

Mike O
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Re: Gutting it out last night

Post by Mike O »

Well done, Rusty. Great stuff. The essence of this programme is the 12 steps. You need to just....do 'em. There's no other way.
:D

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Karl R
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Re: Gutting it out last night

Post by Karl R »

You need to just....do 'em. There's no other way.
You made me smile today Mike. The statement is simplicity itself.

regards,
Karl

Mike O
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Re: Gutting it out last night

Post by Mike O »

Ah, I'm a simple soul, Karl.

:D

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