Can't sleep - needing to talk

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Can't sleep - needing to talk

Postby soberintexas » Sun May 20, 2007 12:34 am

This is my first time trying to do this via chat room. I usually go to meetings, call someone or something. I probably need to journal. But I really was hoping to talk to someone or read something to get my mind of what it is focusing on.

I am getting insecure with my relationship with my husband. I am starting to imagine "things". OR IS IT REAL? He is 10 years sober and I am 5 years sober. New baby and 2 other boys, full-time job which I am switching in the next few days.

How I hate change, even when it is probably going to be a better situation for me and my family. And I found out today that his ex "girlfriend" the mother of his 8 year old son, whom we have just gotten custody of this past December, is now filing a case with the Child Protective Services. I am saying too much .. Is someone out there that I can talk to? Is this how this chat room thing works or does it take hours, etc.?

By the Way, I have worked the steps, twice & traditions once and I am now just starting to go throught the traditions with my sponsor a different way that I have previously. I am very active with my group - it is just that my best friend died about a year ago, sober. We got sober together and we were going to remain friends forever.

You know I wasn't able to trust another women for sooooo long and she just got into my heart and life. Told me truths and knew truths about me and vice versa. I just miss her so terribly. I keep trying to get that same connection with another women, it just hasn't happen. She passed away from cancer, she lived about 8 1/2 months after the first diagnoses of it. She is the one that I would call during these "moments" of insanity. She would always say kinda poking on my forehead "stop it - no one wants him - you are the only sick one that loves him" i am laughing remembering that moment. And she is probably right. But he just seems so distant at this time. of course, there are a few other signs, but it could be other logical reasons or it could be that he has found interest in another.... You see when things are going well in my life and I believe that everything is okay - that is when the bullet bites my in the _____ and I get a big surprise. heck I could be imaging all this - but I am not imaging he is being verbally distant and phycially distant that is a real truth. Man, it is too late to call my sponsor, it is not like Iam about to go and drink over this "aniexty". Shoot, she end of making do some kind of written work on this.

hoping someone with somekind of sobriety is out there to talk. I didn't realize I had so much on my mind until I started typing. I apologize for the typos, but I am not at work and not in the mood to fix them. (thinking to myself....so rebellious - what is really going on with me?"

Oh, my favorite quote obviously is "PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION" ha ha. If fits me well. I have come a long way of improvement, you should have seen me when I got to the rooms...... much better today.... just look at me I am not retailating by chasing a man, calling a man to change the way I feel - I am trying to talk this stuff out - I'll try to post this thing now lets see if it works!!!
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Postby Blue Moon » Sun May 20, 2007 9:28 am

Have you tried Step 11?

I find that "people" aren't always reliable. Even the best of them eventually pass away, and we never know when or where that'll happen. I find it important not to isolate too much from people, but one thing that can be more difficult is trying to sustain / improve a relationship with my Higher Power... yet that's the only relationship that's assured of lasting as long as I do.

"Keep it in the day" is another good one, especially in times of anxiety or stress.

If I had just been slapped with a CPS lawsuit from an ex-, I'd probably not be talking to my wife too much either. If I needed any input at all, it would be from someone who knows me but is impartial, not emotionally involved in my home. When my wife has the self-centred non-supportive blinkers on and decides my non-communication at 2am means I'm moving out or just don't give a damn, that's not my fault it's just another problem she's trying to put on my already-overloaded plate.
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Postby someoneinaa » Sun May 20, 2007 11:43 am

I hope it worked for you... the late night journalling, with an added urgency, to be read by members who may be able to help as well. At least to know, so that it's not rolling around in your head all alone.

Yes, although you miss her, you and your co-joiner will always be best friends in sobriety - because that's who you are. And now, nothing's going to change that. Her spirit remains alive in you.

And yes, major life changes bring on insecurity. Like Schoeder, we don't have our old dirty blanket to wrap around ourselves. But then, also, just like refusing an offer of a drink - we gain confidence in self acceptance, when facing truths about ourselves and stepping forward.

Our old bugaboos resurface, but this time we are honest with ourselves, and we can recognize them right away. It's so easy to Let GO, before they build up a head of steam... because we're familiar with their result, and can now choose "something different" as an outcome.

And yes, that's probably the reason your husband has been aloof or somewhat "lost" in his situation. Unfortunately, it seems, the mother of his son is not finished. And most probably he feels hamstrung and powerless, unable to protect you from the unending venom and/or his fears or guilt about the whole thing. Men can sometimes be like wounded animals, wanting to withdraw and lick their wounds alone, when they feel that all is lost.

You could let him flounder alone. You could try to get him to talk about his feelings (or even suggest counselling). You could become overinvolved in his battle against her, and thus risk alienating yourself further by falling into Co-dependancy (ie. living his life for him).

But perhaps a little knowledge is neccessary. Wounded bears protect their cubs, even if it's hunting season. Legality makes no difference. Making claims of child abuse, compounds dispute unmercifully - mostly because of Zero Tolerance and the fact that evey court wants to protect itself, first.

I have been active on various father's rights web sites... not to be political here, but when I was involved it was clear that Allegations of child abuse made in the context of custody dispute, were found to be False, unfounded or fabricated, 67% of the time. But that the damage to personal reputation, costs and delays etc., actually increased the likelihood of the accuser getting custody. The so-called Abuse Excuse.

Also, is the very real possibility of her alienating the boy from his father in the process. Many of these people are narrcissitic and have no "life" of their own. Often, are prompted in their vendettas by something positive happening in the "other" side that indicates a loss in her position as antagonist.

If this were a forum for advice, I would suggest Googling a bit to find more and varied reseach on Custody Battles dirty tricks, especially on false accusations. That information should be enough to show your husband where to strat to dig, and to let him know that you support and stand by him in this (of course if this is not the case, Remember, To Thine own self Be True. But still, a burden shared is cut in half.)

Hope you're feeling better soon. Thankfully, this program works for every day! Honest - Openminded - Willing to change.
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distant husband and cps issues thanks for the responses

Postby soberintexas » Mon May 21, 2007 1:47 am

The feedback has been helpful. I am surprised by someoneinaa response's - how "on or close" to what has been going on with the "ex" for quite some time. A tons of "false" accusations have been made over the past 3 years. And as I mentioned, we have just been awarded custody of him after that "battle". 4 years in the court room, ugh. And now this is another one of her "attempts" at her trying to keep the child in her possession.

It did not surprise me about the CPS lawsuit. I always expected it. She has "kidnapped" the boy twice that I have personally seen and witness. My husband never saw the boy until he was 2 years old, and she only was found with the aide of private dectectives, etc.... had to go through the first court battle - the dna testing, etc. and won joint custody, he paid his child support religiously, totally and lovingly was a part of his son's life as much as he could be when she moved over 125 miles away - (it was her way of keeping him (my husband) at a distance from the "boy/toddler at that time".

Within, one month after "our" being awarded custody and she having to start paying the child support, etc - she moved less than 2 miles away. She pops up at lunches and has tried to pull him out of school, illegally. Yes, it IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE A BATTLE. It is very sad and the boy has emotional issues over it. It has been hard on him. I am proud of how well he is adjusting (the boy) and I have told him so on several occassions.

The ex is now attempting at damaging me and my husband together. The judge has alreaddy said, if this doesn't work "meaning the boy coming to live with us, he will put the boy in a foster home. He will not go back to his mom. She is unhealthy and is one of us and is not of sober mind and body at this time. That is nicest way I can put it.

I will google some information on false accusations/dirty tricks - thank you for the advise - I or we haven't thought about that. This comment "And most probably he feels hamstrung and powerless, unable to protect you from the unending venom and/or his fears or guilt about the whole thing. " I believe you hit it on the nail. I had not even imagine how he must feel about all this regarding me and my six year old whom is extrememly close the the "boy". This whole ordeal affects us in great measures.

I like to say that today we did talk a little bit more. I had gotten up early (as ya'll know - I wasn't sleeping well) and got all 3 kids ready to go to church. He joined us - ya know it help just being there together as a family in church not a meeting. Well, I guess it helped me I don't know his thoughts. But we all spent the day together and we did share a few moments of really looking in each other eyes and talking intimately. I just had to relate to him how I was feeling and what was going on in my head. You know, I am just not that sober. I still get those insecure feelngs and they come from "baggage" from our "just dating" years. As in any relationship we have had our few break ups and I've experience those "calls" from "whomever" where he walks away to talk, ya know the new interests "maybe" girlfriend.

And thanks for the step 11 suggestion, one of my favorite prayers to read is always the 11 step prayer. It helped me soooo much when I was first getting sober and having to go through my own cps battle and dealing with tons of other "issues" especialy living in a house with about 24 other detoxing alcoholic women.

And I just wanted to let the "BLUE MOON" person know that it wasn't that I was feeling all this axiety starting at 2am - it had been going on for a day or two and at 2am - I was in enough pain to actually maybe try to talk to some one about it. I had heard about aa chat rooms and thought I might try it out.

My initial response to the "chat room": I thought it would be like a real time chat, but I believe writing down my thoughts instead of just letting them roll around in my head. enable me to finally get some sleep and then today to get the feed back was awesome. Some good stuff in the responses and I got that support and (uninvolved) feedback and I don't have to put my "stuff" out in my home group where everyone knows the entire situation. I don't feel so alone.
Thank you for respopnding to my issue - it helped. I will do the same for another when appropriate. PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION!
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