New girlfriend drinks...

For recovery discussion

New girlfriend drinks...

Postby themagician8 » Fri May 04, 2007 4:25 pm

The past few years have been like a bad country western song for me.
Filled entirely with pain.
I was unemployed, my cat died, my mom got lung cancer, I got hepatitis C and underwent a grueling year long therapy as I had to care for my dying mom. Then, my fiance of 7 yrs. up and bailed out on me when I needed her most, and left me for an older guy with a motorcycle and a bunch of cash. (she was 29, I was 47, he was 55...) and finally...
my mom died, and my best friend also died the week of my mom's funeral.

I'm not new to recovery.
This tuesday... I'll have 11 yrs.
I primarily go to NA meetings due to my past heroin addiction and well... it's just were I "landed".
But I got to both fellowships. Not so much AA... but I do make an occaisional AA meeting every so often, and was clean for a year in AA, 7 yrs. prior to this past 11.

My daughter whose married and in the Air Force, invited me to move from Jersey down to Georgia, to live with them and my new granddaughter in their new house. It was culture shock to say the least moving from the NYC area. But I've been here since last Sept., and am finally sorta getting used to it... but very lonely for friends and someone by my side.

Online, I rediscovered and old friend who used to be my high school girlfriend's best friend. We always kinda liked each other... but nothing ever came of it due to the then circumstances of us each seeing someone else at the time.
After remeeting her online, one thing lead to another , we spent all of our time emailing and talking on the phone [sometimes 5 hours a night]... and we've fallen head over heels for each other. She is SO much like me... it isn't funny. We like the same things, believe the same things, have and share the same memories... yadda-yadda-yadda...
Da girl of my dreams... literally.
I'm crazy about her... she for me.
But... she lives 970 miles away in Oklahoma.
So I took a trip out there and spent some time with her.
Even MORE perfection!
We are just nuckin' futz about each other!
So we had planned that I would move out there in late June to live in bliss.

But...
A few times on the phone... I could tell...
she was drinking.
She had originally said that she shares an occaisional bottle of wine with her girlfriend's but doesn't really go out to bars, etc., or drink that much.

But I noticed that this happened every couple of nights or so...
sounding like she had "one or two... or three".
Then later getting a lot of "I love you man"... type emails late into the middle of the night, after she had hung up after saying she was going to sleep.
Yanno... overly emotional, happy drunk type emails.

She also has a condition that causes her acute pain in her foot due to an old accident. "RSDS" or some other type letters... I always forget what it's called. So after getting a new job where she's always on her feet... she began to get a lot of pain. She had a bottle of old pills for the pain, that she claimed she didn't like taking. But I said, hey... ya gotta do, what ya gotta do... to take care of the pain. Take one... just don't over do it.

The other night she was completely zonkered on those pills.
She admitted to taking "one", and said she had no tolerance to them, and they were really strong. But being a drug addict myself... I knew she didn't take "just one" of any type pill to make her that way.
Later when I hung up, I guess she musta detected a bit of disappointment in my voice. I had started to send her a long email to express my alarm about it, when she called me back in a moment of clarity.
She admitted that she also had been drinking while taking the medication.
She also admitted that she was getting a bit worried about herself, and that lately... she was drinking more than usual... alone.
She had said... the fact that she had thought "well I'm not that bad...", had made her think... just thinking that probably makes me that bad. And she was getting a bit concerned herself about it.
And she had confessed to putting away like a bottle of wine every couple of nights for awhile now, and had thought that it could maybe be becoming a problem. And that she would try to justify things by buying an "expensive bottle" at that... even though her finances dictated otherwise.

Even though I have 11 yrs of sobriety... alcoholism vs. "problem drinking" and exactly what the symptoms are kinda eludes me sometimes.
Also if someone who drinks sometimes due to "bad spots" in their life can ever go back to just "social drinking".
I just know that I was a drug addict for sure,and my life went berzerk.
Her life is actually quite manageable... to some degree still.
Though her responsibility level seems to be in the toilet as far as her finances etc.

I just know that I can't move out there in June.
We both want so much to be together... yet we both now realize... her drinking is gonna be a problem.
I told her that, although she might quite possibly have a "little monkey on her back" telling her to drink when she's bored, lonely, etc...
I have "a gorilla in chains strapped to mine".
And that lil monkey... may just find the keys to those chains to let da beast out if I move there right now and she's drinking.

My sponsor suggested Alanon meetings, and I went to one last night.
I had suggested to her that she try a few AA meetings, and she also went to her therapist about it the other morning who said the same.
So she went to one last night, and claimed she liked it.

But the things that scare me are...
when I hit bottom... I HIT BOTTOM.
I OD'ed and DIED amongst several other things.
She hasn't actually even hit a bottom really from my viewpoint.
She claims the thought of losing me... is kinda like her bottom.
But she doesn't seem to have that kinda insatiable thirst for recovery like I did. She says she'll go back to meetings, and quit drinking...
but I still wonder, and am frightened of possibly moving out there and having things go well... until the "pink cloud of new love" goes out the window. And mainly that then she might pick up again.
So I kinda postponed my June move there, and am just kinda sitting back to see where this goes.
But I really want to be with her, and her with me.
I'm just afraid that she really isn't at a point in her drinking where she takes anything that seriously or truly realizes that she has an actual problem. She kinda "Knows it ain't exactly right..." but I dunno if she really gets that it's a problem that she may need to commit to going to meetings forever for. I don't know how to say it...
it's like she hasn't really "hit da skids" yet. Yanno?
Could she ever go back to "social drinking" sucessfully?
Or more exactly... could she possibly just quit, never go back to drinking, and get into the AA program full force?
I was a fullblown addict and alcoholic who's life was in chaos, and hit a very big bottom.
She hasn't. And things really maybe don't seem too bad for her... yet.
Is there a possible life for us together.
Could she possibly just stop and never go back to drinking, or change her drinking habits to where she does just have a glass or two of wine with the girls?
Does she need to hit a bigger bottom first?
Might sound a bit dumb from someone with 11 yrs in recovery in NA...
but alcoholism still escapes me sometimes as to what exactly constitutes an "alcoholic". And what should be done with "lightweight problem drinkers" like my girl.
So I need some feedback.

Thanks guys...!

eddie
themagician8
Forums Newcomer
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri May 04, 2007 3:11 pm

Postby Blue Moon » Sat May 05, 2007 9:14 am

I've been where you are. You have pause for thought, which is enough. Those concerns are "red flags".

Maybe you need to reassess your priorities.

I can tell you this much - if she's alcoholic (and it sounds like she is), she will not quit drinking or using other stuff just for you. We know this already, but it's something else to experience it.

It sounds to me like she's saying what she thinks you want to hear. That's not bottom, it's active co-dependency.

Having worked the Steps and recovered, I can go anywhere or do anything. Even so, alcoholic women who enjoy my attention can still drive me nuts - even when they're dry! Y'see, their priorities differ from mine and I'm expected to change mine to try and "fit in" with someone else's co-dependency. They then get frustrated when I don't.

This is where "AA is a selfish program" comes into play.

If you decide to make the move, I'd suggest getting entrenched in AA in her area. You may enjoy her company, she may even do you some good, but trust me you don't want the insanity without your own support structure.
Ian S
AKA Blue Moon
User avatar
Blue Moon
Site Admin
 
Posts: 3563
Joined: Wed Jan 23, 2002 2:01 am
Location: New Jersey

Postby Holly96 » Sat May 05, 2007 7:40 pm

yes, those certainly are valid concerns your having. A part of you knows something just is not right. Maybe listening to that voice would not be a bad idea???

slow and easy, and if she is an alcoholic.....it will come out, and your foundation and recovery will remain intact. you can not save her....however I was told early on.....relationships are a main reason for relapses....

glad your here, and keep us posted.
don't leave before the miracle...you will be amazed.

Holly
User avatar
Holly96
Forums Long Timer
 
Posts: 672
Joined: Sun Feb 19, 2006 2:01 am
Location: Tucson Az

Postby Ann262 » Sun May 06, 2007 7:43 am

It sounds like you already know you need to slow things down and that's the advice I would give and postpone the move. Doesn't mean you have to break up, just give it more time.

A bottle of wine every few days is not insignificant. That's what my last relapse was and I know what that did to me.

Good luck and hang in there, one day at a time.
User avatar
Ann262
Forums Enthusiast
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Aug 21, 2006 1:01 am
Location: NE Ohio

Postby whitmore_fan » Tue May 15, 2007 7:54 am

Holly96 wrote: you can not save her....
.


People have posted some good advice and I think it's important to try and remember what Holly said, you cannt save her, she has to save herself. We all saved ourselves. If I had tryed to stop for someone else I think ultimately I would have ended up recenting that person.

Take is slow and see what happens, I think you're right to have doubts at the moment. The number one priority has to be you.

Best wishes
Ian
"Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!"
whitmore_fan
Forums Contributor
 
Posts: 220
Joined: Wed Sep 08, 2004 1:01 am
Location: South West of England

Postby Holly96 » Fri May 18, 2007 8:43 pm

any one heard from eddie?? Just wondering how he was holding up.....
don't leave before the miracle...you will be amazed.

Holly
User avatar
Holly96
Forums Long Timer
 
Posts: 672
Joined: Sun Feb 19, 2006 2:01 am
Location: Tucson Az


Return to Discussions

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests

cron