Living for today

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Living for today

Postby Wayne C. » Sat Mar 31, 2007 5:37 am

When I attend AA meeting I (the group) is always being told,"There are two days of the week we need not worry about, yesterday and tomorrow for we only have today." I fully agree with the living for today cliche but, here is my problem. Most of the sober people I know always remind me of my drinking past. My wife consistently reminds me of the drunk I was and how I was never there for her and/or my son when I was drinking. Some days I wake up happy, ready to seize the day but by the end of the day I feel worn out and guilty. I attend at least five meetings a week, which helps, but that "good" feeling only lasts a couple of hours. I know we must take respnsiblility for our actions, i.e.; probation, losing my license, etc., but when is the past going to be put behind me. For me it very hard to keep looking forward when I am always reminded to look back. :?
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Postby Blue Moon » Sat Mar 31, 2007 12:04 pm

Step 9 offers a promise, "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it".

So my answer would be: once we take the first 8 Steps and get progressing with 9.
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Postby Wayne C. » Sun Apr 01, 2007 12:13 am

And now for the rest of the story....My wife recently attended a support group meeting for spouses/family of recovering alcoholics. The group name will rename unamed but we all know which one I am talking about. Anyway, she was told that spouses have no control over an alcoholic's relapses or slips. She was also told that whether or not there is alcohol in the house, if a person is going to relapse he/she will go to any length to drink. With that being siad, my wife now has alcohol in the house and if I relapse,I relapse; she has no control over it. I think her line of thinking is wrong but she is taking the word of the group over mine, possibly because the group gave her the answer she wanted. God help me!!!! :(
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Postby Layne » Sun Apr 01, 2007 7:48 am

whether or not there is alcohol in the house, if a person is going to relapse he/she will go to any length to drink...if I relapse,I relapse; she has no control over it.
I see nothing there that I would disagree with, not trying to be hard line, but in my experience and history, it reflects reality. If having alcohol in the house is difficult for you, then sit down with your wife and talk with her about it. Try to describe any fears and emotions that it is causing you. Talk with, not at her; and describe, not explain because that can become justification through rationalization. Make sure it is a two way discussion. Keep your ears and heart open because it is not all about you. This may not have been the answer that you wanted, but it is not about taking sides, it is about saving your ass. By the way, I believe congrats are in order for the 11th of March, great stuff!
For me it very hard to keep looking forward when I am always reminded to look back.
A look back every now and then can be rewarding and good motivation for moving forward. Progress, not perfection, what a concept!
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Postby someoneinaa » Sun Apr 01, 2007 8:16 am

Some of it, Wayne, is all the pain and hurt they've endured over the years with your unchecked alcoholic behaviour. Now that you are maintaining sober, it's not that they are "rubbing" it in your face... It's more likely that they are finally able to talk about it & assert their own lives, now that they are gaining some confidence in your changes.

And, of course, they want some recognition for all the sacrifice they've made on your behalf, over the years. No-one can live any amount of time with an alcoholic and not become affected with co-dependance.

It is actually a "good sign" that your wife is making her own decisions.

Patience, while she finds her feet. The family is changing because you are.

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Postby Blue Moon » Mon Apr 02, 2007 8:55 am

Wayne C. wrote:She was also told that whether or not there is alcohol in the house, if a person is going to relapse he/she will go to any length to drink. With that being siad, my wife now has alcohol in the house and if I relapse,I relapse; she has no control over it.(


That assessment is spot on. Today, the only thing that annoys me about alcohol being in the house is if valuable 'fridge space is being taken up.

But there's a caveat to the assessment: what progress has the alcoholic really made? Just attending a few meetings a week just won't do at all. In order to become genuinely free of alcohol, your head needs to be in a place where the presence of alcohol is of no matter. The fact it still bothers you means you have recovery work to do.

In AA's pioneer days, the members didn't avoid alcohol, they carried alcohol with them. They knew that a newcomer going into DTs needed a drink far more urgently than he needed to hear about "God stuff". The first thing Bill W did for Dr Bob was give him a drink.

But it would also be fair to say that spouses need to respect each others' space. If your spouse is behaving unreasonably, you both need to reach a compromise - after all, our own drinking was never reasonable.
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Postby magenta_07 » Wed Apr 04, 2007 5:57 pm

Wayne, I think you should talk to your wife; that's the best thing to do now. She must have an idea what's bugging you.

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