Relationships in recovery

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Relationships in recovery

Postby CATHY B » Wed Nov 15, 2006 11:13 am

Hi all,drinking isolates you from every body.How do you handle relationships.! Socializing and filling your time.Recovery is about living a life that Alcohol had denied you.Need some input on how sobriety has improved or restored lost relationships.

Thanks CATHY B
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Postby Holly96 » Wed Nov 15, 2006 11:38 am

Hi Cathy, my name is Holly and I am an alcoholic. Great question. ..I drank for over 20 years, so I had no clue how to do anything without alcohol to give me that false sense of security!

For me....I went to a LOT of meetings, and started learning my social skills in the safety of the rooms. I was terrified.....I had to learn to actually communicate with no buffer.

Over time....I slowly began to gain confidence in my ability to communicate.....and the fear....went away. It was the start of the promises coming true for me. It does take time....and that was difficult for me. I wanted to "be better" NOW. I had stopped drinking, and I wanted everything better! :lol:

I had to distance myself with people whom I had come to be close with....who still drank(my old drinking buddies). (change playgrounds....change playmates). I found that the only thing I had in common with them was drinking...and once I did not drink....the relationships faded.

on the flipside of that.....some relationships with people I had known years, but really had been damaged through my drinking......slowly were restored. I also have made wonderful friends in AA. Good solid friendships that are based on a healthy foundation. :-)
One door closes...another one opens.

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don't leave before the will be amazed.

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Postby michaelkohel » Wed Nov 15, 2006 10:21 pm

What i know about relationships any relationship, is that i have only one job and that is to serve the other person or pet as God as would have me and that steps are designed to get me out of the way so i have something to give. All my life i thought any relationship was about me getting-which is my illness, AA , the BB, GOD, have all taught me on my part it's only about giving.The result is i have friends in AA years standing and my dog actually likes me some days when i'm not all caught up in myself. The Big Book is all about relationships,that's all it's about,lots of good directions in the 1st 164 about all relationships. Good luck. mikey :D

Postby Blue Moon » Thu Nov 16, 2006 9:49 am

I needed to start off by working on the relationship I'd neglected most of all - that one with myself and my HP.

Until then, I was in no fit condition to repair any other relationship, even though my head had me convinced that my worth in this world is defined just by what "you" think of me.
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Postby zb » Thu Nov 16, 2006 6:03 pm

This one is hard for me because I don't have many relationships outside of my family. I'm recently divorced, and when I found myself alone night after night, I drank--mind you, I didn't need an excuse, but that served well as one, let me tell you. So for me, it's not so much how I handle relationships I already have, but how do I make new ones w/o the booze. AA is one way, of course, but I"m always looking out for ways to connect with other people. It's hard.

"You can't always write a chord ugly enough to say what you want to say, so sometimes you have to rely on a giraffe filled with whipped cream." Frank Zappa
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Postby CJS » Thu Nov 23, 2006 8:10 am

Hi everyone. Relationships still take a lot of work for me. I tend to lean towards being codependent in them, and I think that stems from my insecurities. I am so grateful we have this program, because I get a lot of great advice about my relationships from people in the fellowship.
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Postby Tomki » Tue Jan 23, 2007 6:19 pm

Hi all:
Thanks Ian couldn't agree more - I needed to get things right with HP and then wonderful things started to happen - I began to see what I could put into a relationship rather than thinking what I can get out of it. My sponsor gave me the following exercise to try and I didn't get the answer first time 8)

1. turn your head and rest your chin on your left collar bone
2. press down with your chin slightly
3. hold your left arm out palm up finger curled upwards
4. Look at the space between your left shoulder and your palm & fingers and concetrate
5. Now take your right hand and rub it across your left inner fore arm like a sawing action
6. now say mememe meeee meeeememeeemeeemeeemeeeeeeememe
7. repeat 6 times and the answer to the riddle will appear - if not look further down the page! :lol:

Answer I am either a Violin Tuner or a pre 9th step alcoholic :lol:
Tolerance is the no mans land that lies between Resentment and Acceptance!
Best Regards Tom Kirtley
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Postby fishguy417 » Wed Jan 24, 2007 1:59 am

My sponsor started me on plants. Then animals. I started slow with fish and a snake. I now have 2 cats!

My sponsor asked me "what I wanted out of a relationship?" I stated, "I would like to have -" and he stopped me right there and told me that I was not ready for a relationship since I was going in expecting to get something out of it.

I was to learn that my only concern in a relationship is what I can bring to it. Period. That my caring for someone else is to be totally unconditional. That what someone else does is none of my business.

This was a difficult concept to live. The BB states that self-centerednes-selfishness, that we think is the root of our problem (not sure if I got it exactly right).

I was to put this to the test at 18 months of sobriety. You see, I got sober when my wife of 19 years left me. At 18 months sober, she called and said that she wanted to move back. Her first 3 years back I had my own bedroom. This is not because of her, but that through the inventory proces I became keenly aware of how sick I really was (and am lol). As long as I work my program, and let her live her life, we get along fine and life continues to get better. It can for you too - but your program must come first, and it better be built on a very strong foundation, for their are 2 lives at stake here.
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Postby Yvon P. » Sun Jan 28, 2007 6:46 pm

All I know about this topic is what the Big Book tells me.

This is what it says; "We have been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our Creator, and to discover the obstacles in our path".

I have found that the AA Program is about one thing and one thing only;
the restoration of "RELATIONSHIP". First, it is about restoring your relationship with GOD (as you understand Him). Secondly, it is about resoring your relationship with the people around you.

When we realize that our Higher Power's opinion of us is one of "unconditional love" and that NOTHING we have done, or can ever do, will change that fact, we begin to understand our value, our worth, to Him. When this happens (Spiritual Awakening), we begin to understand that He also places that same value and worth on those around us. This will instinctively revolutionize the way that we relate to others.

If you want to know what type of a relationship you have with your Higher Power, look at the relationships you have with the people around you. This is a mirror image!!!!
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"Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program".
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