Fear

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robbie109
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Fear

Post by robbie109 » Mon Jan 13, 2020 5:56 am

Hi all,
Haven't posted in a long time. I had a slip before Christmas after 5 years. Back in the fellowship thank God. But the consequences of it are still ongoing. I have been out sick from work the last 3 weeks & had a meeting with them last week to say I'll be back in today. Due to start my shift at 3.30pm. I am full of fear about going back in. My head/disease is telling me not to go in &its so powerful. When I get this thought it just takes over. I only started the job in November & to be honest I'm not mad about it. There is a history of this with jobs, I wake up one morning & decide I won't go in & then it snowballs where I end up not going back at all. I'm so sick of it. Just want a new head or psychic change!
I've a new sponsor from a big book study meeting & we have started to go through the book again.
My head is wrecked & stomach in a knot. I'm just sick of fear of holding me back in life.
I'm actually making excuses as not to go into work. My big book study meeting is on a Monday night..I'll miss that tonight. I work in a hotel & it's all shift work..early mornings or late evenings. I don't know maybe I should quit & focus on my recovery for the time being. But then I have a partner who is worried that I'll lose my job & letting him down. It's all a mess which crazy me created in the first place. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks😢

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ebear
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Re: Fear

Post by ebear » Mon Jan 13, 2020 6:26 am

Hi, Robbie.

I’ve had similar experiences—mentally turning molehills into mountains out of fear, the great magnifier. A recent one had me putting off an important task for a year, waking up worrying about it and then putting it off day after day. I finally reached out to someone for support. I got the task done in a matter of hours, and the relief was tremendous!

So maybe share your dread with someone close who can help you remember that feelings are not facts. Once you go back to work, the spell will probably break.
If you don't change direction, you'll end up where you're headed.

Layne
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Re: Fear

Post by Layne » Mon Jan 13, 2020 9:25 am

I have found the best way to get to the other side of my fears is to confront them and to walk through them. For years I tried to go around them, over them, run away from them, ignore them, etc. Just like with a door, none of those methods got me to the other side and I wound up stuck in the same room with them.

When I confront my fears and work through them, I usually discover two things. They weren't near the bogeyman that I had built up in my head and I have way more strength than I give myself credit for. Then I can look them square in the eye and say is that your best shot, is that all you got, because I am still standing and will continue to do so. Then I can turn my back on them and walk away into freedom.

innermost
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Re: Fear

Post by innermost » Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:46 am

robbie109 Hello

First I would ask.
Do you want to be employed or want money to live at this time? If so go to work.
If you let go of your employment are you then going to let go of your sobriety?
Drinking over Christmas is a sign that your life has become unmanageable again
and that you are powerless over alcohol.
So IMO you have a job so keep it simple. Go to work and stabilize the job and finances.
FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.
Put one foot in front of the other.
Stabilize your life and work the steps.

Of course this is all my opinion.
The first 164 pg. is the program!

robbie109
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Re: Fear

Post by robbie109 » Mon Jan 13, 2020 11:31 am

Thanks for the replies.

Well the FEAR won. I don't know but I'm sick of it. In a state of panic I offered my resignation. Another one bites the dust. Your right @innermost my life is unmanageable. I don't want to be like this anymore. I'm at desperation point. It's not just fear though..its complete self centredness..not thinking how this affects others.
I'll be at my big book study tonight. This disease is a F*** pardon the French.

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ebear
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Re: Fear

Post by ebear » Mon Jan 13, 2020 11:54 am

How's your prayer life? When I was in the grip of fear, I helped myself by praying before every important conversation: help me do the simple right thing now.

So you self-sabotaged by submitting your resignation "in a state of panic" (BAD time to make decisions). I did that once, but I rallied, called back, apologized, rescinded my resignation, and took the earful I had coming. I had responsibilities, so I had to break out of my self-centeredness and do the right thing.

Although I was consumed with self-disgust, I managed to put the people I love--and who were counting on me--front and center in my thinking. I didn't want my headstone to say, "Here lies a man who quit on the people who relied on him when the going got tough." I wanted instead, "Here lies a man who stepped up for all of us."
If you don't change direction, you'll end up where you're headed.

innermost
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Re: Fear

Post by innermost » Mon Jan 13, 2020 5:57 pm

robbie109

I'm not right, I am alcoholic.

I've allowed my self-centered-ness to win the day also.
I've also had to admit even after years in the program and working the steps
that I did not grasp the full grips of this disease.And I am not saying I still
understand anything fully.
Now that you don't have that job to consider, please surrender to the steps again.
Get other peoples take on alcoholism and sobriety.
Youtube has many speakers (search AA speakers)that have helped me to see alcoholism and sobriety
in a different light.
Dig into sobriety and rework steps starting at step 1. I know for many years I would have seen it
as an insult if someone suggested I start again at step one,
but it was the best thing that I could have done, since I did not understand
the peculiar mental twist (as the Book calls) and how it likes to come back little by little.

There are other jobs and only one you.
The first 164 pg. is the program!

D'oh
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Re: Fear

Post by D'oh » Mon Jan 13, 2020 6:52 pm

This time back (I was sober and in the Program Many Years and forgot Who I was) I found the 3rd Step (with a Member's help) fairly quickly.

The 3rd Step being, that "All of my Yesterdays, have just brought me to Here, Today." Even though My second "Bottom" was much deeper Jobless, nearly Family and Homeless, and Financially wrecked. I was there for a reason, Dry and Trying to stay that way. That "Tomorrow" is already Planned for me, if I accept and have Faith that it will be exactly what I need. I need not Fear tomorrow, I just need to Live Today, as I believe my Higher Power wants me to.

So, if Something/Someone has kept me alive until Today, there Must be something for me Tomorrow. I just have to become aware of Today's Chores/Jobs/ Will.

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Spirit Flower
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Re: Fear

Post by Spirit Flower » Mon Jan 13, 2020 7:47 pm

When I got sober, our group emphasized going to work every day for a year. It was a challenge! Sounds hard right? Just make yourself go to work?

But you know, work is one way to get out of yourself. I work as a barista. I am totally busy for the six or so hours I am there. No time to think about myself.
...a score card reading zero...

robbie109
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Re: Fear

Post by robbie109 » Tue Jan 14, 2020 5:47 am

Thanks for the replied folks. Really appreciate it.
Yes I think I've finally stopped fighting & surrendered to God & the program. Haven't got the energy anymore!

Going to look for a new job. I'll take the action & leave it up to God.

Just feeling a bit shitty about everything. Head is still a mess but praying & talking to God all the time. It really is one day at a time.

innermost
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Re: Fear

Post by innermost » Tue Jan 14, 2020 11:43 am

robbie109

We have no guarantee of sobriety.
The Book even tells us there will probably come a time
when you have no mental defense against the first drink.

My life and sobriety depends on a Higher Power, turning it over in surrender on a daily basis.

1) My Life drunk and periods in sobriety shows me in
my innermost self that I have lost the right to run my own Life.

2) Nobody can probably relieve my alcoholism.

3) But God could and would if He were sought.

So Today I am Grateful and Thankful that I am able to surrender Today.
The first 164 pg. is the program!

Indianapolis
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Re: Fear

Post by Indianapolis » Tue Jan 14, 2020 12:44 pm

I also struggle with fear and anxiety interfering with work. I blamed it on my drinking but, unfortunately, those problems persist when I'm sober. That sucks. So, I had to realize it was a character defect, and I couldn't blame vodka anymore. That was depressing in and of itself.

But ok, so then what? I'm still working on it, but I've taken a lot of advice from the 12-and-12's discussion of the 6th and 7th steps. It tells me that a critical goal of recovery is to become useful. Useful to myself, my family, my work. When I started focusing on improving my own "utility", it was a nice concrete way to start battling those character defects.

Personally, stress over work, avoiding work, and the resulting stress over finances is a definite part of my addiction cycle. The shame that rolls off of those character defects make me want to drink. I'm trying to follow Brene Brown's advice in "Daring Greatly" and rebrand my shame ("I'm a lazy jerk. What an idiot..."), which is unhelpful, into guilt ("why did I slack off today? That was a silly choice..."), which can be helpful. Recasting those narratives has improved the volume of my conscience and helped me build some better habits.

But it remains a daily struggle for me. Frankly, I'm procrastinating right now by surfing this forum rather than doing a project. But I think fighting our character defects requires the serenity prayer -- we have to accept the things we can't change now (none of us can immediately change our character defects), but also have the courage to take positive steps in the right direction every day if we can.

Ok, signing off to take a positive step..... :-) Good luck, I feel your pain.

tomsteve
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Re: Fear

Post by tomsteve » Wed Jan 15, 2020 1:05 pm

F.E.A.R=
F***
Everything
And
Run

or

Face
Everything
And
Recover


choices-you have em. hope ya choose the latter.

robbie109
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Re: Fear

Post by robbie109 » Wed Jan 15, 2020 2:38 pm

Thanks for all the advice. Will take all on board!

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