Resentment towards myself

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KathyAnne
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Resentment towards myself

Post by KathyAnne » Fri Dec 27, 2019 11:15 am

Having been a round a little while now (8 yrs) and done steps etc I’m finding resentments are cropping up more and more towards myself
Of is it frustration...who knows I just get so annoyed with myself still not feeling totally at ease when sharing and sometimes well quite often I feel so self conscious it’s rediculous I can’t open my mouth for worrying what others think.
Will it ever go....what can I do...I have forced myself for to open my mouth in meetings and it does get easier but then go through a phase of paranoia and can’t do it, very odd I feel resentful towards myself perhaps it’s perfectionism I don’t know
Any suggestions anyone
Thankyou

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Re: Resentment towards myself

Post by rjr34036 » Fri Dec 27, 2019 11:20 am

Have you tried doing a fear inventory lately? I just finished one and asking myself “what am I relying on?” (since it’s clearly not God), then turning to God and asking “what would you have me be?” is such an awesome process. Opens the eyes to a lot.
ReAnneR

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PaigeB
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Re: Resentment towards myself

Post by PaigeB » Fri Dec 27, 2019 1:25 pm

KathyAnne wrote:
Fri Dec 27, 2019 11:15 am
Having been a round a little while now (8 yrs) and done steps etc I’m finding resentments are cropping up more and more towards myself
Of is it frustration...who knows I just get so annoyed with myself still not feeling totally at ease when sharing and sometimes well quite often I feel so self conscious it’s rediculous I can’t open my mouth for worrying what others think.
Will it ever go....what can I do...I have forced myself for to open my mouth in meetings and it does get easier but then go through a phase of paranoia and can’t do it, very odd I feel resentful towards myself perhaps it’s perfectionism I don’t know
Any suggestions anyone
Thankyou
Oh Kathy I FEEL YOU! I have caught myself yelling at myself things I would NEVER say to another human being! The work I did with the Steps helped A LOT. I can recognize my fantasy thinking - like "I ought to know how to play solitaire better than THIS!" for what it is - the opposite of the truth. The truth about solitaire is that people always lose more often than they win. I AM NO BETTER THAN ANYBODY ELSE! How would I treat another alkie woman who had just lost a game of solitaire? No different than how I would hear anyone's 5th Step or 10th Step - without judgement! AND I can talk about my Step work on this solitaire/self talk issue - just like I did when I did my 5th Step. I know for a fact that I am not alone. You helped me by talking about it. Though I have made progress in this area in the recent past, I have forgotten over the holidays and I have acted the fool to myself and others. I gotta get REAL and be gentle with myself and remember it is all a journey in altruistic self-awareness!

There is a solution - I just have to do the work to find it! I found it in the 12 Steps of AA.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Re: Resentment towards myself

Post by tomsteve » Fri Dec 27, 2019 3:02 pm

KathyAnne wrote:
Fri Dec 27, 2019 11:15 am

Any suggestions anyone
Thankyou
start at step 1 with it. put pen to paper. get it out of your melon and right in front of you so you can see the exact problem.
what does the BB say about resentments?
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.

We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.

innermost
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Re: Resentment towards myself

Post by innermost » Fri Dec 27, 2019 3:42 pm

KathyAnne Hello

Maybe the best suggestion I can make is to work with someone.
If you have a sponsor or people you work the program with.
Or people you work on Spirituality with.

To me it sounds as if your trust in a HP is below your fear of peoples opinions.

In my own program this is daily work. This turning my will and life over to a HP.
When I share in meetings, it is more like a prayer. I treat it like I am talking with my HP
and people are not even there.So what ever people think is irrelevant.
Since it is my program of action, I always get something out of my own sharing with HP.
There is also a thing called the journey from the head to the Heart.
So when I share I attempt to leave the head out of it and only share from my Heart.
This program has made me free and in the same sense it is still unfolding freedoms.

You are at where you are at in the program and acceptance is the key.
Accept it and continue Spiritual progress and leave alone anything like perfection.
Also give your HP and yourself some credit that you have been sober 8yrs. and that you recognize
these feelings about yourself need to change.
This should be a simple fix for you called surrender.
When ever I run into my self will, it's always the right time to surrender.
The first 164 pg. is the program!

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Brock
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Re: Resentment towards myself

Post by Brock » Fri Dec 27, 2019 3:52 pm

Of is it frustration...who knows I just get so annoyed with myself still not feeling totally at ease when sharing and sometimes well quite often I feel so self conscious it’s rediculous I can’t open my mouth for worrying what others think.
As you say it may not be a resentment as such, I don’t see it that way, and treating it as one may not be useful.

We have another thread going about slogans heard in AA, and one I always smile at when someone says - “It’s none of my business what others think of me.” Easy to say, but everyone does care about it, even a great fellow Jesus, asked his disciples ‘who do they say I am.’ I have found with older age it sort of naturally goes away, we just sort of give up caring as much. But to my mind, and what I have seen written in very many spiritual and self help books, it is something to work toward. When we can live, (and speak), as if nobody is watching or listening to criticize, we will be living a far more comfortable life.

I still think of what I said after giving a contribution, and invariably a bit of ‘I should not have said that, I should have said this,’ goes through my mind. Anyone who says they don’t care at all what other people think, is probably suffering from the defect called lying.

It’s just one of those things, every one of us is ‘good’ at somethings, enough to have confidence when we do it, and not overly worry about the outcome, it may be just acceptance being the answer, (innermost mentioned that), some of us are better at speaking in public than others.

One thing that helped me a good bit, is in driving home thinking about the meeting, or maybe just sitting in the meeting, I noticed that I never really thought anyone’s contribution was crappy. Yes some stood out for me more than others, and we have a few members who say the same thing over and over at every meeting, but even these nobody really criticizes, and if they did, everyone else would think badly of them for doing so. I am using a lot of words to say, that we are probably the only one who criticize ourselves, our own worse enemy, the same way we don’t remember what others say in a critical way, it’s a safe bet they won’t remember what we say either, another saying in AA speaks about taking ourselves too seriously, something we all seem to do.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

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Re: Resentment towards myself

Post by Mike O » Sat Dec 28, 2019 2:02 am

Hi KathyAnne,

Why not just accept the fact that you are not comfortable with public speaking? It’s no big deal and should certainly not interfere with your serenity.
I can sing in front of thousands, but talking in front of a group of two or more is very difficult for me. It’s just the way I am.
Don’t sweat it.
😁

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Re: Resentment towards myself

Post by Michymoo100 » Sat Dec 28, 2019 10:21 am

Hi

I was 6 years sober when I hit a brick wall with AA. I stopped sharing, became extremely paranoid and not only resented myself but started resenting everyone else! Whilst no thought of a drink entered my mind I was blooming miserable, becoming aggressive and generally not nice to be around. I decided to do the steps again thoroughly with a new sponsor and it completely changed my mindset. It was like getting sober all over again. I discovered I need to continually work the steps, sponsor others and make AA my main priority. Today I’m 8 1/2 years sober, and a lot happier (and when I’m not I don’t get too stressed about it, I’m only human). Maybe revisit the steps? It worked for me. All the best.

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Re: Resentment towards myself

Post by KathyAnne » Fri Jan 17, 2020 4:21 pm

Hi, thanks to all who replied it’s been very helpful indeed. I have taken some action on suggestions made and had some success I do believe it was putting others opinions above HP and I’m working on a resentment & fear inventories all good stuff.
Many Thanks

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Re: Resentment towards myself

Post by avaneesh912 » Fri Jan 17, 2020 8:17 pm

Works of Eckhart Tolle helped me a lot. It takes a serious read of his work but once we get the concept, It helped me a lot, letting go of those nagging thoughts and live in acceptance.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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Re: Resentment towards myself

Post by KathyAnne » Sat Jan 18, 2020 6:34 am

Yes so I’ve been told many times about his work my sponser is a big fan unfortunatly I just can’t ‘get it’......yet

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Brock
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Re: Resentment towards myself

Post by Brock » Sat Jan 18, 2020 6:50 am

You are not alone, in it’s preview of the book ‘the power of now,’ a major newspaper, I think the new york times, said it was a lot of mumbo jumbo. It takes time reading, and most importantly stopping now and again and ‘pondering’ on what he is saying. After a couple of years of reading a bit each day if I feel like it, (forcing ourselves does not work), I have been through the power of now and a new earth several times, and I can now switch my mind off and stop thinking, it’s a wonderful feeling.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

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Re: Resentment towards myself

Post by avaneesh912 » Sat Jan 18, 2020 10:53 am

A New earth has more live examples. I will drop a PM on the topics you can dive in right away so you can grasp his teachings quicker. Starting from the beginning could be little dry.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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Re: Resentment towards myself

Post by PaigeB » Sat Jan 18, 2020 1:24 pm

KathyAnne wrote:
Sat Jan 18, 2020 6:34 am
Yes so I’ve been told many times about his work my sponser is a big fan unfortunatly I just can’t ‘get it’......yet
:shock: Me either. Keep it simple and look for the answers in the Big Book, 12 & 12 and other AA Literature. :P

I actually changed sponsors around 7 years and started the 12 Step all over again - by CHOICE. I had changed to to whole new sponsorship line and indeed got a new, deeper spiritual experience. I found it in the BB work, service to and with others and from a heretofore unseen inner resource with which I identify as my HP. :wink:
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Brock
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Re: Resentment towards myself

Post by Brock » Sat Jan 18, 2020 2:28 pm

Keep it simple and look for the answers in the Big Book, 12 & 12 and other AA Literature.
Maybe, but the same Big book says on page 87, under ‘Into Action’ -
There are many helpful books also. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one's priest, minister, or rabbi.
OK, maybe we have good cause to forget about getting suggestions from a priest, so we get them from other members, like the good folks here at e-AA, or anybody who is smiling for no apparent reason. And if the Big Book was written today, it might say many helpful books, you tube, blogs, and TV shows etc. Sorry, but if I stuck with AA literature only, I might be a grumbling sober old coot, who didn’t have a clue about ‘happy joyous and free.’
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

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