Can newcomers 13 step an old timer

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Can newcomers 13 step an old timer

Post by Machoviking » Wed Jun 12, 2019 2:40 am

Hello All
I’m having a dilemma that I need advice with. I’m 8 years sober and my sex ideal is that I have to be honest and upfront with women that I have no interest in marriage and to keep relationships light and casual. As a result, I’ve had a fun and exciting love life. All the women I date are non-AA normies. I have never flirted with women in the rooms and I have no interest in dating women in AA. I don’t even talk to AA women most of the time.
Recently I was at a fellowship dinner and a woman with 9 months sobriety sat next to me. I never really talked to her and barely noticed her in meetings. I was friendly with her and we had a conversation and I flirted with her. In my mind I was harmlessly flirting like I would with a cashier at a cafe.

She texted me the next day said that she was always attracted to me and that she wanted me (her exact words). She then asked me if I wanted her. Sensing that this must be some game that she’s playing and noting that she’s a newcomer I replied that she should ask me the same question after a year and then I’ll let her know. I guess it’s my way of keeping my option open and not appearing to be a 13 step. I also told her that I cannot do serious relationships. And I have no interest in marriage.

Unfortunately instead of stopping the conversation we continued texting. Progressed to sexting. And ended up making out. All this happened within a space of two weeks. She’s very keen and I know this will end up in sex. I did a step 10 inventory shared it with a member and prayed to my HP. I then told her we have to call it off. I apologized for leading her on and explained that I could not proceed with a newcomer especially knowing that I cannot have a serious relationship. She said she feels hurt but we have stopped texting. And I just say a brief Hi to her at a meeting.

Having said all this, I feel tremendously guilty that I didn’t have the self-control to stop flirting with her and I didn’t enforce the boundaries that I myself set. And now I’m obsessed with this woman who I never even noticed before. I know I shouldn’t take advantage of newcomers but she came on so strongly I felt powerless. For a moment I deliberately forgot that we were AA and interacted with her that way I would with a normie. I needlessly created a complication because of my lack of self control and restraint. Now I’m wondering if I should wait 3 months to be with her. Or just cut off all contact. Honestly i wish I was where I was before that dinner.

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Re: Can newcomers 13 step an old timer

Post by avaneesh912 » Wed Jun 12, 2019 4:51 am

So you are the old-timer? As a old-timer, I will educate the new-comer. Continue dating non-AA normies as you call them. Give the newcomers chance to recover.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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Re: Can newcomers 13 step an old timer

Post by PaigeB » Wed Jun 12, 2019 10:44 am

Boys tell the boys and girls tell the girls. Talk to a woman who she knows and let the WOMAN TALK TO HER.
Step 6 is "AA's way of stating, the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job... with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement." 12&12 Step Six, p.65

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Re: Can newcomers 13 step an old timer

Post by Spirit Flower » Wed Jun 12, 2019 2:44 pm

She sounds like she is unrecovered and still acting the way she would if in a bar. Do you want that?
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Re: Can newcomers 13 step an old timer

Post by D'oh » Wed Jun 12, 2019 8:05 pm

And, what if she goes back to Drinking or Worse, during or afterwards? What would that do to Your Sobriety?

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Re: Can newcomers 13 step an old timer

Post by davep54 » Fri Aug 02, 2019 6:48 am

My wife thirteenth stepped me (been together 28 years).

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Re: Can newcomers 13 step an old timer

Post by ebear » Sat Aug 03, 2019 9:10 am

As a newbie, I became enamored of a woman in my home group who had several years of sobriety. We spent some time together (mostly casual with hints of possibility), and I was lucky to survive my infatuation with my sobriety shaky but intact. In a way, she provided the escape and high that I had lost in giving up drinking. I paid only partial attention at meetings as I thought about her. I didn't stick around after meetings to talk with other men; I followed my crush out so that we could walk and talk. I called her at times to chat and flirt when I should have been calling other sober people in my network. In short, I was not at all ready for a relationship, and it was eroding my AA program. Fortunately, she broke it off before it developed further. She had recognized the risk of an unhealthy and obsessive attraction on my part.

For the sake of the newbie's recovery at the very least, whether the newbie is male or female, I would strongly counsel keeping the relationship in the arena of AA Fellowship.
If you don't change direction, you'll end up where you're headed.

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