Fear, I have no Higher Power

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highcostofliving
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Fear, I have no Higher Power

Post by highcostofliving »

I have one week to wait. The doctors found something, I'm at high risk, there's an above average chance this time next week I'll be hearing the dreaded "you have cancer" speech... the waiting sucks. I've been processing the whole idea, the wait, the understanding there's nothing I can do and all of that for a few days... I've spoke with my sponsor and a supportive wife, but still find a need to reach out here.....

For me, I have no real identity, connection, or belief in a Higher Power. All I have is an inability to disprove it, and the key element of willingness required to stay sober. What I'm unsuccessfully eluding to is that... I feel like I have this very tiny thread of connection with my Higher Power... I can honestly say, that when I even got the news of 'possibly we need more tests though', my impulse reaction on the spiritual level was simply resignation that my firm belief God doesn't exist was confirmed, the other option on the table for me is if he does exist, he's not worth having in my life because if everything is attributed to Him, then He would be the universe's biggest a-***.

I also know, that it's this spiritual willingness that has kept me in the right mindset to remain sober..... so my fear at this moment, I can feel in my bones that this would close the door I've allowed to remain open.... a nail in the coffin so to speak.... and I know that closing that door leads down a path that....

I'm trying to practice my principles learned through AA right now... give it up, there's nothing I can do, etc. I'm hoping that it's nothing, I'll get the all clear, etc... but lately, since this began, I haven't finished a single prayer... "God please hel... oh eff it, what's the point" I am massively disillusioned.... it's also a hard topic to discuss with people, because A- I don't want to say anything that offends or causes someone to question their own Higher Power and B- people get 'preachy'....

Thanks for the opportunity to throw some of my rolling marbles out there!
"The high cost of living, ain't nothin like the cost of living high" - Jamey Johnson

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Chelle
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Re: Fear, I have no Higher Power

Post by Chelle »

Im sorry that you are struggling highcost. Medical stuff is scary and the waiting is the worst. BUT, it hasn't happened yet.

I had a medical thing (life threatening, not cancer). I had to try to stay in that day, and just act as if everything was going to be ok, then deal with the outcome when it came out. I know that sounds trite. Still...If I get all up in my own head, I have to reach out to someone and see how they are doing, and turn my thoughts off of myself. It was the only thing that saved me then, and the only thing that saves me now. Trust in the AA process.

It was a lot of waiting for results, more tests, more doctors and the procedure was dangerous. It was terrifying and it happened at 8 months sober. I did not drink. I did go to a ridiculous amount of meetings and spent a ton of free time talking to my AA people =biggrin

Its an ongoing thing, and it still scares me sometimes. It needs to be checked regularly. But, I do not believe I got sober to live my life in fear. I spent so many years that way. WE CAN DO HARD AND SCARY THINGS HIGHCOST!

Im not sure if this helps. Just know that when you get through it, you will be able to help other people with your experience, and how you stayed sober through it. Sometimes things happen that change our belief system. (Not that yours needs changing). Something bigger than me always shows up when i just cant deal :shock:

No preachy, no offense :lol:
Keep close to the program friend.

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Spirit Flower
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Re: Fear, I have no Higher Power

Post by Spirit Flower »

Step 11: "...praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out."
...a score card reading zero...

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PaigeB
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Re: Fear, I have no Higher Power

Post by PaigeB »

Hi Highcost! Paige here - alcoholic and atheist - still or again - however you want to look at it.

Here's what Action I took: Being unable to pray at the time, I threw myself into meditation practice. Practice like you practice the piano. Pick a relatively quiet time everyday. Try 5 mins or 2. Then move up a little every Sunday or whenever. Silence your phone. Be accepting of the dogs, the traffic, the radio at the neighbor's. Sit on the floor, on the grass or a blanket - or in a chair with your feet flat on the floor. Hands on your knees palm up - ready to receive Messages from the Universe. Brain thoughts on full run? Use one word that is spiritual to you - I used LOVE. You might choose Peace or Kindness or Trees or whatever. Thinking of the grocery list or test results? Gently & literally blow away thoughts that intrude and return to your word.... llllll ooovvvvvve ~ You may find that just sitting isn't working AT ALL (nothing works even "ok" at first). Try digging a little flower garden- Prayer of forgiveness and thanks to Mother Earth for the cutting - dig some holes and plant some flowers! Repeat your word as you do these things. You may see results after 2 or 3 tries - even if you miss 3 out of 5 days - you WILL feel closer to the Universe. Closer to your fellow humans. More at Peace during the day. A little bit anyway. Find a local weekly meditation class or a Buddhist sitting instruction and practice. There are a LOT of guided meditations online.

AND MY favorite practical application of Meditation is being able to PAUSE during the day! You see, one other thing about meditation is - It is practicing the pausing of that crazy brain we have - slowing it for mere seconds at a time. It comes in very handy! Read page 87 of the BB - at the bottom: WE PAUSE WHEN AGITATED OR DOUBTFUL. So when you find yourself in FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real) you can Pause and get the FACTS! One fact is that you don't have the test results yet. Tomorrow if you get them, they may be good or bad, but you can Pause and focus on what the next right thing to DO is.

We can't just think about this program. It works IF you work it. Find a Pausing Practice TODAY! And Laugh a little!
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

innermost
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Re: Fear, I have no Higher Power

Post by innermost »

Highcostofliving

Cancer OR no cancer.

Those are your only 2 possible outcomes.

In my 4 step I had to inventory my fear. I did inventory it down to fear of death and then fear of God.

Today I have a practice of this life being uncertain.(A gift)

So I have the opportunity to live this day like it may be my last.

Have I taken care of the things that this day requires and even some beyond?

Have I taken the risk of living today to it's fullest or at least fuller than I am use to.

Anywho! I didn't want to get preachy but still preach a bit.

Just some thoughts from a drunk who has a chance at life today.
The first 164 pg. is the program!

highcostofliving
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Re: Fear, I have no Higher Power

Post by highcostofliving »

Thanks for the kind words, inspiration and helpful suggestions... it's why I come here, besides it helps to just write it out sometimes and try organizing the hamster wheel that is my brain.

Got an all clear yesterday, but today got a call that said they found something else, so I'm going back in....

I came to a realization while reading through all this, that I have a major issue with the GOD concept.... and I think I've been hearing that so much that it had my brain scattered, what I needed to get to was the HIGHER POWER concept.... It may seem like splitting hairs, but for me, at this moment, a power with intelligence that has the ability to create, or not create things like cancer, dimensia, etc.... isn't something I can get with, but a higher power that just is.... well, it's pretty obvious I'm not the greatest power out there... I'm rambling a bit now...

Thanks everyone. I'll try to get back and post an update on today's return visit....
"The high cost of living, ain't nothin like the cost of living high" - Jamey Johnson

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Spirit Flower
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Re: Fear, I have no Higher Power

Post by Spirit Flower »

7th step prayer: "My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, both good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and others. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding."

Cancer has nothing to do with what we pray for in AA.
...a score card reading zero...

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