What part does a Child play?

For recovery discussion
Post Reply
User avatar
avaneesh912
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 5140
Joined: Fri May 30, 2008 12:22 pm
Location: Atlanta, GA

What part does a Child play?

Post by avaneesh912 » Fri Apr 19, 2019 4:57 am

As a child does the child have a part in abusive environment. Where the family is disfunctional and perhaps one of the parent is an alcoholic or both and one is just abusive physically (beating up) and oral abuse. Few run away but most are stuck in that environment. As child I am not sure if they would have courage to call agencies so they can be put in foster home. As a sponsor what do we say the part was?
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

shaunagus
Forums Contributor
Posts: 279
Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2013 3:04 pm

Re: What part does a Child play?

Post by shaunagus » Fri Apr 19, 2019 9:17 am

It could be more about what is causing the adult to hold on to the resentment about what happened to them as a child?

For example, when I was a child my father once held a shovel to my throat threatening to kill me because I didn’t write a phone message down. Another time he dragged me out of bed by my hair because I slept in. Etc etc. When I was doing my step four I didn’t put my blame down as “forgetting to take the message” or “sleeping in” because my part in that didn’t actually bear any relation to my father’s actions. But as an adult 30 years later I was still holding on to those resentments. So I had to look at what it was about my personality that couldn’t let go.

I amazed myself when as a process of working the steps I got to a place of being willing to make amends to my dad for our estranged relationship. I didn’t make amends to him for forgetting the phone message or sleeping in, or for being the victim in an abusive relationship - I made amends for being estranged. I amazed myself further by having a really good relationship with him today. We went on a family holiday together last year and he wants to do another one.

Not sure if that helps?
“I am a seeker, a poor sinful creature, there is no weaker than I am,” Dolly Parton

User avatar
PaigeB
Trusted Servant
Posts: 8279
Joined: Fri Jun 24, 2011 12:28 pm
Location: Iowa USA

Re: What part does a Child play?

Post by PaigeB » Fri Apr 19, 2019 10:33 am

Of course the child is a complete innocent. NO ONE deserves to be hit. Or starved... or ad infinitum!

Here is what I say: Some people are just azzholes. Those people are azzholes. You don't want to be an azzhole. You don't want to hangout with azzholes today. You are safe and protected today. We get to make choices as adults. Children have no such choices. We don't have to protect that child anymore. We have to live in today. Help others who are abused if you are called to that.
Step 6 is "AA's way of stating, the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job... with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement." 12&12 Step Six, p.65

User avatar
avaneesh912
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 5140
Joined: Fri May 30, 2008 12:22 pm
Location: Atlanta, GA

Re: What part does a Child play?

Post by avaneesh912 » Fri Apr 19, 2019 12:16 pm

Thanks for the responses. Yes as a child i dont think it was any fault of thiers to have been treated like that. I think the harm done to ourselves is that we carried that resentment for this long.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

User avatar
Brock
Trusted Servant
Posts: 3938
Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2012 1:45 pm

Re: What part does a Child play?

Post by Brock » Fri Apr 19, 2019 2:14 pm

As child I am not sure if they would have courage to call agencies so they can be put in foster home. As a sponsor what do we say the part was?
Yes, this seems like one of those tough ones, where we can’t really help identify where the person might be at fault. Sometimes I think just say life’s like that, and you got a raw deal as a kid. But then the risk is they get all pity partyish, and we help grow the resentment against their parents. I feel the best approach is saying that your parents were not well, and they treated you badly, then point to the fact that we were sick as also, and just lucky we have a program for recovery. As we hope people will forgive us since we couldn’t really help ourselves, maybe he will one day forgive his parents.

What I don’t like is people blaming their folks for silly things. A lady with a good few years under her belt, said the other day she was afraid of the dark, because her parents ‘let’ her watch a horror movie when she was eight. Maybe blaming parents for shortcomings is too common an excuse, and mine weren't perfect either, only when I accepted that they were human like myself, and looked at the mistakes I have made, did I find forgiveness for their shortcomings. But in this case it appears it was serious abuse, and it will be hard to get over it and forgive.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

D'oh
Forums Long Timer
Posts: 884
Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2015 10:51 am

Re: What part does a Child play?

Post by D'oh » Fri Apr 19, 2019 7:22 pm

A Promise in the Big Book states "We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."

All,of My Yesterdays, have just lead up to Today. Including Childhood and Drunkenness. Good and Bad. My Higher Power has always been with me, I was just Too Self Involved to realize it.

JeffS.
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 51
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2018 11:42 am

Re: What part does a Child play?

Post by JeffS. » Sat Apr 20, 2019 2:47 pm

Things aren't permanent but memories of them can be.

Post Reply