Dirty Little Secret

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Dirty Little Secret

Postby TracyM » Sun May 13, 2018 6:44 pm

This is my first time EVER joining any form of AA and sharing with others that I am an alcoholic. I’ve been in recovery since 2008 with 1 relapse that last a few months in 2010. Only my closest family & a couple friends know. None of them are alcoholics. I’ve been struggling lately. Feeling like I’m not normal. I’m a binge drinker, could never put the bottle down once I started. Blacked out for at times hours. Every time I would drink. I wish I knew someone I could share this with. Maybe help me feel a little less like an outcast. I still wish I could only drink a couple drinks sociably to relax and enjoy. Thought I could control it, hence the relapse in 2010. I have everything to lose and know I can never drink again, but it still sucks that I can’t. Most think I’m some straight edge person. I wish. Maybe then I would fit in with those people. I fake liking most people and don’t trust most. I’ve been carrying on focusing on family and work but it’s catching up with my mental well being. I don’t want to tell people what I am, mostly because I don’t trust them, I don’t want to be discriminated against, and most don’t understand addiction.
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Re: Dirty Little Secret

Postby Brock » Sun May 13, 2018 7:19 pm

Welcome here Tracy.

I would think by attending meetings you would have a place to let these things out, and be among others who understand exactly what you are feeling. Also we don’t know if you completed the steps and had the release from the obsession to drink which they provide, from your saying you wish you could drink like a ‘normal’ person, it doesn't sound like you have. I want you to believe because it’s absolutely true, when the AA program is used as it’s meant to be, we have no feeling at all to drink, instead we have a program which keeps us feeling serene by applying it in our lives.

And these meetings are something you come or go as you please, there’s no rules and by trying a few different ones we often find one we feel most comfortable in, you may well meet some folks that you can relate to and enjoy being around.

When you say most don’t understand addiction, well we aren’t experts at that either, but I know we suffer from something which causes us to try to ease the symptoms with booze, others might ease it with drugs, or sex or whatever. The program takes away these problems, and we no longer feel the need to ease the pain with alcohol.

You are among friends here, and we enjoy helping, say or ask anything you want, I expect others will encourage you as well, if not tonight then tomorrow.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Dirty Little Secret

Postby 1Peter5:10 » Sun May 13, 2018 11:31 pm

lengthy ramble deleted. :mrgreen:
Last edited by 1Peter5:10 on Tue May 15, 2018 4:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Dirty Little Secret

Postby avaneesh912 » Mon May 14, 2018 3:53 am

The first step in recovery is having a deep deep realization that we are alcoholic. And what does it mean by being alcoholic? Is it just losing control after we pick up that first drink? Its just part of the problem. The main problem of the alcoholic is the mind, it plays a major part of an alcoholic. The mind always seeks that sense of ease and comfort the book talks about. But for the alcoholic the only source for that is booze. We pick up and then the craving kicks in. Its the obsession/insanity that gets back into drink and the craving keeps us going.

Its important to have this realization. This will help us move forward.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Dirty Little Secret

Postby Spirit Flower » Mon May 14, 2018 5:29 am

AA is much more than boring people not drinking.
It is a fellowship of people who understand you, and have worked the steps, had an entire psychic change.
In the fellowship, your imagination will be fire. Your life will mean something at last. The most satisfying years of your existence lie ahead.

The fellowship is a great gift. Stop torturing yourself with "abstinence." I don't know where you live, but most cities have wonderful groups meeting often. Don't miss the opportunity to change your "alcoholism." It is the ism that kills us.
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Re: Dirty Little Secret

Postby PaigeB » Mon May 14, 2018 11:18 am

I still wish I could only drink a couple drinks sociably to relax and enjoy.

From the opening paragraph of Chapter 3, page 30, More About Alcoholism... Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

You said: I fake liking most people and don’t trust most... I don’t want to tell people what I am

You do not have to tell anybody anything. AND You can be as "fake-liking people" as you want to be! It is important to be nice no matter what your mind is telling you. :wink:

Seriously, the AA program is a series of SUGGESTIONS. I did not believe that and I was quite wary in the beginning, and frankly for about 6 or 7 years. It was only by tiny baby steps with the Steps that I came to believe that I was not going to die by telling someone all my issues - even those I told in pieces and parts at meetings over the years.

But no one ever told me I HAD TO DO anything. Sometimes they would "suggest" with this Knowing smile on their face, but the decisions were always mine to take or reject the suggestions.

Why don't you try going to AA for 3 months. Some call it 90 meetings in 90 days, but I suggest that you go to different meetings at different times and locations throughout that 90 days... maybe go to more than one or two a week. If you decide that AA is not for you, you are free to go back to drinking.

AA offers a full refund of your misery, a "Misery Back Guarantee" LOL, if you decide you want to drink again.

We do not shoot our wounded. So keep coming back. Something might actually stick to the walls that are built up.
It worked for me!
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Dirty Little Secret

Postby PaigeB » Mon May 14, 2018 11:40 am

I love Synchronicity! Look at today's Daily Reflection!
May 14th

IT'S OKAY TO BE ME

Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. . . . they have turned to easier methods. . . . but they had not learned enough humility. . . .
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, pp. 72-73

Humility sounds so much like humiliation, but it really is the ability to look at myself – and honestly accept what I find.
I no longer need to be the 'smartest' or 'dumbest' or any other 'est.'
Finally, it is okay to be me.
It is easier for me to accept myself if I share my whole life.
If I cannot share in meetings, then I had better have a sponsor – someone with whom I can share those 'certain facts' that could lead me back to a drunk, to death.
I need to take all the Steps. I need the Fifth Step to learn true humility.
Easier methods do not work.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Dirty Little Secret

Postby 1Peter5:10 » Tue May 15, 2018 7:52 am

PaigeB wrote:
I still wish I could only drink a couple drinks sociably to relax and enjoy.

From the opening paragraph of Chapter 3, page 30, More About Alcoholism... Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

You said: I fake liking most people and don’t trust most... I don’t want to tell people what I am

You do not have to tell anybody anything. AND You can be as "fake-liking people" as you want to be! It is important to be nice no matter what your mind is telling you. :wink:

.
.
.


☝ That is absolutely true and deserves to be highlighted.

Please also note that the excerpt from the Big Book, like nearly all the Big Book, is written "in first person." (It uses "I" and "We.") It does not declare every person or every alcoholic is like us.

That said, Alcoholics Anonymous is called Alcoholics Anonymous for a reason. We are anonymous. We keep each others secrets safe from society at large.

You are definitely among friends and since we are of all different types you undoubtedly will find an understanding person (or 6 or 600.)

In some cases, in fact in many cases, once we 'come clean' to our families about our drinking we
find out they knew all along.

In some cases there are people in our lives who 'knew' we were alcoholics long before we actually were. My mother-in-law (the drama queen), accused me of being an alcoholic long long long before my drinking was even remotely a problem. (She's also a vegetarian, the kind who accuses people of 'murder' for eating a pepperoni pizza.)

In my case, my alcoholism got bad enough it no longer mattered who found out. If I had to stand at my class reunion holding a sign I woulda done it. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. God willing you will kick it before it gets that bad with you.


P.S.
I don't keep ANYTHING secret from my sponsor, but that is another topic.
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Re: Dirty Little Secret

Postby TracyM » Tue May 15, 2018 12:23 pm

Thank you all for your feedback and support. I would attend AA in a heartbeat if that were an option locally. I work for a social services agency in a small town in which a vast majority of clients struggle with addiction. I would certainly run into many people I know. I’m considering seeking therapy or traveling an hour away to a small city and trying a group. I’d also travel for therapy as I know and work with all the therapists in our county. I already resent being away from my young children because I work so much, which makes committing to traveling 2 hrs round trip a long shot. I’m also afraid that focusing on it more will make me more vulnerable, like I’d be opening a can of worms that I don’t have the resources or time to address. I know I have to take care of me first but I don’t want to take away from my kids needs to address my issues.
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Re: Dirty Little Secret

Postby PaigeB » Tue May 15, 2018 12:40 pm

I already resent being away from my young children because I work so much, which makes committing to traveling 2 hrs round trip a long shot. I’m also afraid that focusing on it more will make me more vulnerable, like I’d be opening a can of worms that I don’t have the resources or time to address. I know I have to take care of me first but I don’t want to take away from my kids needs to address my issues.

One of the best places I found to connect with my children was in the car. We were sort of a captive audience for each other... I found out they actually liked my meatloaf! Seriously though, you might look for a meeting that has child care. That way, the trip would ADD to your time with the kids. There might also be a teenager of an AA that could come to the meeting and site with them for a few dollars... it is summer time. Maybe even an Open AA meeting where they could do headphones and coloring...

Don't let anything stop you from finding help. At least call that town an hour away and set up a meeting with another AA of the same gender as you. Or keep the relationship by phone for a while.

This is doable - but ya gotta take action.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Dirty Little Secret

Postby Spirit Flower » Tue May 15, 2018 6:26 pm

One time I lived in a small town so I drove an hour away once a week to a meeting in the city.

also, you can work the steps. Google "joe and charlie AA," the first thing that comes up is a big book study. Follow along, work the steps with them, find a close mouthed person to hear your 5th step.

I’m also afraid that focusing on it more will make me more vulnerable, like I’d be opening a can of worms that I don’t have the resources or time to address.
Really? Healing is far better than denial. Your kids will appreciate that you are no longer a dry drunk.
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Re: Dirty Little Secret

Postby 1Peter5:10 » Tue May 15, 2018 9:43 pm

Please understand that I was a very low bottom drunk.  I lost my family and everything else.  I was living in a flophouse, unable to work, selling my plasma until I had pawned the last of my family heirlooms and electronics.  I was evicted, faced with living in my car, and I was convinced of only two things
1.) I had to drink now, so I could get a good night's sleep so that I could find a job. So that once my life stabilized,  THEN I could work on my drinking. (Gonna drink now.)
2) I was the 'type' of alcoholic who one day could return to drinking normally. (Gonna drink later.)
My disease worked that way.

I have not seen my son in over two years. He accepted one phone call from me but does not respond to my biweekly contact attempts


Frothy emotional appeals seldom suffice so I calmly and matter-of-factly offer that from my perspective alcholism is like cancer.  If you get it, DON'T PUSSYFOOT AROUND.

Our literature says the people who use our methods to recover  "thoroughly follow our path."

"Those who do not recover are those who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program."

"We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not."

"With  all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start."

and

"Half measures availed us nothing."

Having been through what I have been through relocating to a new town permanently or for six months "for medical reasons" would have been a tiny tiny price to pay. Changing my occupation, especially to a related field, would have been a tiny tiny price to pay.

I don't know you. I don't know if you need such things. I cannot begin to suggest that you should do such things. But I know for a fact that such 'extreme' measures are far far preferable to letting our disease run its course.

I wish you well.
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Re: Dirty Little Secret

Postby DesignatedDriver » Wed May 16, 2018 3:26 am

TracyM wrote:This is my first time EVER joining any form of AA and sharing with others that I am an alcoholic. I’ve been in recovery since 2008 with 1 relapse that last a few months in 2010. Only my closest family & a couple friends know. None of them are alcoholics. I’ve been struggling lately. Feeling like I’m not normal. I’m a binge drinker, could never put the bottle down once I started. Blacked out for at times hours. Every time I would drink. I wish I knew someone I could share this with. Maybe help me feel a little less like an outcast. I still wish I could only drink a couple drinks sociably to relax and enjoy. Thought I could control it, hence the relapse in 2010. I have everything to lose and know I can never drink again, but it still sucks that I can’t. Most think I’m some straight edge person. I wish. Maybe then I would fit in with those people. I fake liking most people and don’t trust most. I’ve been carrying on focusing on family and work but it’s catching up with my mental well being. I don’t want to tell people what I am, mostly because I don’t trust them, I don’t want to be discriminated against, and most don’t understand addiction.


The bit in bold is something I've seen quite a lot. It's completely normal for an alcoholic to feel resentful or hard-done-by about not being able to drink. But it's something that can be dangerous to hold onto.

I was extremely fortunate in my initial sobriety that there were people in meetings who explained to me in very plain language that if I was an alcoholic then I'd never be able to drink in safety again. Like you, I thought "well that sucks". Because I didn't go to AA to stop drinking, I went to AA to try and find a way that I could keep drinking but make all the other things that happened because of my drinking disappear. But I realised very quickly that my life would only get better if I stopped drinking, and that one drink at any point would send me back to the way I was and derail everything. So I understood why I can never drink again and that was the first part as I see it. The next two parts were accepting it and then learning to embrace it. The acceptance part of it came as a more general personality change when I stopped drinking, I lost my God complex, stopped trying to change the world, stopped trying to change people, learned that I don't necessarily have to like things but I do have to accept them; in a word, humility. And when I started to see the improvements in my life and my development as a person because I wasn't drinking, I finally embraced the idea that i'll never drink again and it became an enjoyable aspirational notion rather than a burden to be carried with resentment.

The world hasn't changed, nor have the things I need to do. But my attitude towards them has and I believe that is why I'm sober today.
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Re: Dirty Little Secret

Postby Greywolf » Wed May 16, 2018 9:49 pm

TracyM wrote:This is my first time EVER joining any form of AA and sharing with others that I am an alcoholic. Most think I’m some straight edge person. I wish.
Do you like opinions? If so, you came to the right place. =wink

Many of us are sure we have the "right answers. We adapt the steps to met our personal point of view. You don't have to get answers from us to have recovery. The 12 Steps are simple and easy to take. Taking these simple steps is what most AAers did before the BB was written, published and reach any significant distribution.

Taking the steps is like turning on the lights. Flick the switch. You don't have to know how electricity works to turn on the lights. Take the steps. You don't have to know how the steps work to have a spiritual awakening.

There are basically 2 ways to take the steps. One is to do what the steps say do -- take the steps as they appear in chapter 5. The result of taking the steps this way is a spiritual awakening and a few maintenance steps. It is also the quick way. This way will not have you fit into the Oxford Group mold or any other God belief mold. The result will just be you with a spiritual awakening.

The other method is to follow the directions as Bill W. wrote them in the Big Book. Bill adds some psychotherapy to his version of what is popularly call "working" the steps. Psychotherapy was not in the original alignment -- the alignment that he, the other co-founder and the first 40 plus sober AAers agreed on and the first thing written for the book.

You will come away with an education in pop psychology and a religious conversion. The courts in some states have ruled AA is religious. If you came to AA looking for a religious conversion this is probably the way for you to go. There are many claims and promises people make if you do it this way. Good luck.

I suggest you try it the easy way first and if a spiritual awakening is not enough for you, then go for the religious conversion and psychic change. What do you have to lose?

And those ladies who are suggesting you go to a few meeting, by all means do so. You'll find all types there, types like you -- types you can trust.
I don't care how much you know until I know how much you care.
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Re: Dirty Little Secret

Postby positrac » Thu May 17, 2018 3:51 am

You are just like us in many ways and unrealistic expectations such "never drink" is not very good to use. We know that if you decide to drink you are off the races and it is bad. Have you ever considered that your secret is really less of a deal than you think it is. What if your friends and family knew of your situation then what happens? I'm posing thoughts of things we drunks think we have under control and the rest of the world is already hip to!

Misery is optional in sobriety and the work of the steps and attending meetings in person could really do you some good as to get back on track. Life is more than the plug in the jug and so it is up to you to surrender and ask for help and life can become more manageable.

keep coming back.
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