Marriage at risk need help!

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Marriage at risk need help!

Postby Goose » Sun Apr 08, 2018 6:28 pm

Good day everyone,
My name is goose and I’m new here. I need help!, I’ve been with my wife going on 5 years now. We have our issues like every marriage but overall we are happy and in love. That is until yesterday, I went out Friday night with my cousin who just got cheated on after 18 year marriage . We went out for a few drinks and so he can meet some women . I had a few drinks( I usto drink like crazy but calmed down since I met my wife) so this was the first time in a long time I drink this much .. it was non stop all night.. I drove her car a few miles and hit a curve .. cars so low it broke the transmission . Then went home and continued to act a fool and poop and pee all over the house .. I’ve never been so hammered and worst while married. My wife kicked me out and now we are set back over a grand in the most difficult financial month of the year. Before I met my wife I would wake up and sleep with a beer .. it what I was known for .. crashed another car drunk before.. I decided never to drink again.. no one.. but it’s so hard .. I run to alcohol whenever anything goes bad no matter how small .. now I wanna run to the store and drown in it .. I need help on how to get passed this .. I’ve never felt so embarrassed and ashamed . What do I do
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Re: Marriage at risk need help!

Postby Brock » Sun Apr 08, 2018 7:42 pm

Welcome here Goose.

Well you messed up and everyone here can relate to that, of all you have said these words are the warning - “I run to alcohol whenever anything goes bad no matter how small,” that’s something alcoholics do. But others who just can’t face handling problems might do the same thing, we don’t like to pronounce someone an alcoholic, it’s a decision each person must make on their own. In our main text there is a description of an alcoholic, and other types of drinkers, it’s found in the chapter ‘There is a Solution,’ I will put a link to that up, and also links to some other stuff that will help you decide. Keep in mind that if you choose to try AA, and do the steps the program is based on, it will offer a complete release from the compulsion to drink, we learn other ‘tools’ to use when things go wrong.

It’s late and you may not get much further encouragement tonight, but we enjoy helping others and it helps us to do so as well, any questions or comment is welcome, we have some good genuine folks here, who have been where you are. This incident will pass, the car will be fixed, it’s tough but it will pass, but to prevent it happening again you might consider the AA program.

Is A.A. For You – 12 Questions.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for ... can-answer

A Brief Guide To AA.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-42_abriefguidetoaa.pdf

Three Chapters From The Big Book-

1.The Doctors Opinion.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbo ... pinion.pdf

2.There Is A Solution.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt2.pdf

3.More About Alcoholism.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf

A.A. Meeting Finder.
A.A. Near You.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Marriage at risk need help!

Postby Blue Moon » Mon Apr 09, 2018 12:50 am

Goose wrote:I run to alcohol whenever anything goes bad no matter how small


That's basically the definition of "alcoholic" as the medical profession defines it, "alcohol dependency". We form this unhealthy relationship with alcohol, and it can become the only real relationship we maintain.

I once had a similar obsession with alcohol, but haven't felt that way in quite a few years. I still sometimes would like escape or change, but alcohol is no longer even a consideration for me to achieve it.

A decision to quit is a good beginning. But you're probably going to need help and support in carrying that out. AA meetings in your area, and the 12-Step program, could provide this support.
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Re: Marriage at risk need help!

Postby positrac » Mon Apr 09, 2018 2:33 am

You have got a few issues on the table that you'd wish just disappear.... Realistically you might get into a treatment/detox center as your life alone is important and you will never do anyone any good on this current path of self destruction. This might sound cold hearted and insensitive but your wife is doing her thing and it is called damage control. Just because you get sober doesn't mean all is forgotten because actions are truly louder than words.

What is all of this worth to you? I know the miserable down deep gut feeling of being ashamed of my drinking and looking over my shoulder wondering what did I do last night that will make me "one of those drinkers" we've seen in our lives.
Goose none of us can make you do anything and as much as we would like to help you, this is an inside job that you have to be willing to do and first is having a desire to not drink and then admitting you are completely powerless over alcohol.

Go seize the day!
Work hard, stay positive, and get up early. It's the best part of the day.
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Re: Marriage at risk need help!

Postby Goose » Mon Apr 09, 2018 4:05 am

Thanks everyone , believe me I know just saying imma give up drinking doesn’t fix anything .. especially in this culture where any time you mention that people always run saying “ no don’t quit just cut back” like it’s a sin!. I can’t control myself and I can’t just have 1-2. I tried that before and look where I am now! . What sucks the most is here in Puerto Rico and info I find for meetings are 2-3 hours away .. and right now I need to work as much as ever to pay for all these damages done to my wife’s car. I know that until that is fixed she not going to calm down . I will keep trying and see if I find anything local . I know this though.. this is probably going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life . I just hope I keep this mentality gong forward. But thanks everyone, it does help knowing other people have been down this path and where able to move forward. I’m just going to have to work on dealing with my guilt and regret
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Re: Marriage at risk need help!

Postby Spirit Flower » Mon Apr 09, 2018 9:35 am

This will be hard to hear: good on your wife for not putting up with any BS.
...a score card reading zero...
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Re: Marriage at risk need help!

Postby Roberth » Mon Apr 09, 2018 11:45 am

Hello Goose and welcome to E-AA. My name is Robert and I am a Los Angeles area alcoholic. You might be surprised how many are looking to stop and don’t know where to turn in Puerto Rico, especially since the hurricane. Here is the General Service Area 77 website for Puerto Rico, aa.pr.org. They might able to put you in contact the others that are in the same situation close by. All it takes to start a meeting is a couple of drunks, a big book and a pot of coffee.
Being Puerto Rico I am guessing the English could be your second language. You can read the book Alcoholics Anonymous in both English and Spanish on the AA website if that help. AA.org
Robert
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Re: Marriage at risk need help!

Postby PaigeB » Mon Apr 09, 2018 11:58 am

this is probably going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

I think that you will find it is much EASIER than you think. Going to AA meetings will take an hour or so out of your day, but I really get a lot of good energy there. I think you might too. "Quitting drinking" never worked for me before. I knew if I wanted any kind of real life at all (including my marriage) I needed a substitute solution. AA was that solution for me a millions of others. Read A Vision For You in the Big Book. It starts on page 151...
Here is an excerpt:
Page_152 Big Book:
You say, "Yes, I'm willing. But am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum, like some righteous people I see? I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?"
Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous.


I just hope I keep this mentality going forward.

Meditation helps us actively practice changing our minds from chaos to calm... but I could not start there either.

Keep it going physically ~ your mind will follow. "Be where your hands are" (around a Big Book) and be where your feet are "Doing the Next Right Thing" Your mind may not want to, but it will follow your feet to a meeting near you!
A.A. Near You.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources
You can also this link find local phone numbers for a hotline in your area!
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Re: Marriage at risk need help!

Postby PaigeB » Mon Apr 09, 2018 1:41 pm

Sorry I did not see your post about not being near a meeting! Maybe you are not the only one? Think of our Founders and how they began with no meetings... There is still Hope my Friend. Maybe you are the beginning of a new meeting there!

I went to the aa.org site and searched Start a New Meeting and got:
"Literature matching: Start a new meeting (112 results)" :lol:
https://www.aa.org/

So sad about Puerto Rico, my friend's grandma lives there. I hope things get better REALLY soon!
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Re: Marriage at risk need help!

Postby Brock » Mon Apr 09, 2018 2:15 pm

I wouldn’t let a lack of meetings put you off too much, Robert has a good idea about contacting the main office, sometimes small meetings spring up in areas, and they are not yet listed on the ‘official’ AA list. And as Paige says, maybe you will be part of a new meeting just getting started.

I am from the other end of the Caribbean chain in Trinidad, and while I have small meetings in my area, it’s nothing like the large cities with a choice of meetings most of our members have. We also get new members here from time to time who live where there are no meetings, AA has facilities to cover these things, online meetings and so on. Even before the internet, we see the big book printing the story of an Indian army officer, who lived far from the nearest meeting and did the program just fine, they put his story there to demonstrate that meetings aren’t essential.

On you tube as well there is a large amount of AA resources, you can type in ‘AA Big Book Study’ or ‘AA Speakers’ and get some good stuff, right here you can consider filling in a short form and getting a temporary online sponsor - http://www.e-aa.org/form_sponsors.php

This is something you can do, meetings or not, once you surrender to the fact that on your own you can’t beat this thing, and must find a power greater than yourself, that’s half the battle won. Some of us hard heads take quite a while to accept that, but once we do doors start to open, you aren’t alone, you have us and many other facilities like this one.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Marriage at risk need help!

Postby Goose » Wed Apr 11, 2018 5:37 am

I’m trying to go into a meeting this week .. it’s hard cause I spend most of the day working then obviously doing what I can to fix my wife’s car.. The worst thing is I kept this problem from my wife .. I would constantly have a drink here and there while I was at home and she was in the other room reading .. overall my marriage is great! Or was.. been stress lately and arguing cause I kept wanting to go out for drinks but the wife works far so I could.. when I finally did I went overboard.. my wife is so hurt she won’t even look at me .. says I disgust her! I disgust myself.. I know she angry and I pray to God she can somehow forgive me with time .. I don’t know the first step to even take to start fixing this .. we are financially tight so it’s hard to put things back to where they were just in that aspect. I can’t believe I went from a happy loving marriage to borderline divorce in such a short time .. I’m still not sure what’s gonna happen .. I honestly can’t remeber when was the last time I slept or ate.. what do I do when the person I love more then anything hates me?! I’m trying to get a second job to at least get my finances in order.. I’m hoping staying busy will help .. this I by far the hardest blow I’ve had to my life .. don’t know how much longer I can endure it
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Re: Marriage at risk need help!

Postby 1Peter5:10 » Wed Apr 11, 2018 6:54 am

Hi Goose. I am a Long Island Alcoholic and I was a low bottom drunk. I had to lose EVERYTHING before I got help, and honestly, you sound a lot like me.

Your story sounds a lot like mine before I lost EVERYTHING.

In the end, I went to a treatment center in South Florida, (mine was in the Ft Lauderdale area), where there are HUNDREDS of treatment centers, and plenty of AA meetings and housing and low-end jobs to help a person through the 90-day to 1-year period after treatment we call "early recovery."

People go there from many states and, yes there are many people from the islands there.

I want you to carefully consider some of the things you have written, and the responses you have already received.

Goose wrote:I had a few drinks
( I usto drink like crazy but calmed down since I met my wife)


Goose wrote: it was non stop all night.....Then went home and continued to act a fool and poop and pee all over the house.


Goose wrote:Before I met my wife I would wake up and sleep with a beer .. it what I was known for ..


Goose wrote: crashed another car drunk before.. I decided never to drink again.. no one.. but it’s so hard .. I run to alcohol whenever anything goes bad no matter how small .. now I wanna run to the store and drown in it .


Goose wrote: I would constantly have a drink here and there while I was at home and she was in the other room reading.


Goose wrote:I don’t know the first step to even take to start fixing this


The responses

Paige B wrote:Keep it going physically


positrac wrote:...Realistically you might get into a treatment/detox center as your life alone is important and you will never do anyone any good on this current path of self destruction....


"Keep it going physically," means to physically put yourself into AA meetings, and/or intensive outpatient therapy and/or inpatient therapy.

That is tough to do working two jobs and 2 hours away from the nearest meeting, but to phyically be in your house, at work, in a car etc., is not physically being at a meeting or in therapy.

I am not knowledgeable about what possibilities you have to physically put yourself in recovery, but even if you can't or don't check into inpatient treatment, I STRONGLY suggest that you spend some time now, before you disease progresses, learning what insurance-paid and what government-sponsored treatments are available to you both on PR and in S Florida.

Our disease is progressive. The longer you 'wait' the worse it gets. Observing myself and others, I believe the worse it gets, the more intensive a program you will need to achieve the first part of recovery.

More later (probably). I wish you well.
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