Why Did I Drink?

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Why Did I Drink?

Postby Timothy3012 » Fri Feb 02, 2018 4:09 am

I'm just doing my morning readings and I came across this from The Doctor's Opinion in the Big Book;

'Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive, that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one...'

Before being brought into recovery, I could not comprehend the idea of living life without alcohol as the central part of it. I desperately wanted my life to be different, but I was deathly afraid that if alcohol was taken out of it, then life would only get worse, and not better. I had developed this idea over the years because when I had tried either to cut down, or to stop drinking entirely, everything had always become dull and seemingly pointless.

I realised recently that I was actually jealous of the Tim I became when I was drunk. I was envious of what I perceived to be a confident and funny party-animal who was the life and soul of any party - usually one that he had created out of nothing. Then the inevitable would happen, the alcohol ran out, or I passed out, or everyone else went home...and I would dry out and go back to the non-drunk me. I would return to the fearful, painful and meaningless existence again - until the next opportunity to get drunk came about.

No wonder I was so afraid to even imagine life without alcohol. Taking alcohol away from me is like taking the potion away from Dr Jekyll. Yes, it could turn me into a monster, but when I felt like the monster I didn't feel afraid or self-conscious anymore. Everything had become about my own gratification and I was freed from the crippling sense of self that tortured me when I wasn't drinking.

The only problem with constantly taking the potion and becoming the monster is that, inside, I was dying more and more each time. I felt a constant sense of dread for what might happen in the future when I was drinking. I used to be jealous of the person I became when drunk, but all that was left was fear of what that person might do. I used to love the chaos of those drunken nights, but I began to realise the danger I became to myself and to others. One day, I broke. I couldn't take another second of life as I was living it...That's when God brought me into AA.

I am so thankful for that internal devastation that made me willing enough to try AA. Today, I'm grateful to God for the pain that forced me to ask for help. Stopping drinking with the 12 Step program is worlds apart from trying to stop drinking on my own willpower. For one thing, sobering up in AA actually works! I've never managed more than a few weeks away from alcohol on my own, but within AA i've been almost 17 months sober. I am discovering that life without alcohol is incredible; I've never laughed so much, looked forward to the future so genuinely, or been so OK within my own skin as I am today. Thank God for AA.
Last edited by Timothy3012 on Sat Feb 03, 2018 3:35 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Why Did I Drink?

Postby avaneesh912 » Fri Feb 02, 2018 5:13 am

Every time I stopped, my internal conditions came out un-glued. Couldnt face life without this liquid. But at the end, the craving got over. Then that period of several attempts to stay stopped on my own. And that didn't work. I came into the rooms looking for solution. With the help of the big book and some good workshops realized that the mind was the main culprit. It would trick me back into taking that first drink. No matter how much of will power I could enforce. And the spiritual malady that goes in between those bouts. It was that vicious cycle I had to break.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Why Did I Drink?

Postby DesignatedDriver » Fri Feb 02, 2018 6:28 am

For the first 3-4 months of my sobriety I tortured myself trying to figure out why I drank. I thought that if I could get to the bottom of that then I'd be better able to stay sober. Like a lot of alcoholics I always thought I drank because of people, places & things. But when the people, places & things changed I still drank. If I could just get that promotion at work then I'd be happy, but for every £100 extra I got paid I'd spend £200 more on drink to congratulate myself. Every time I got a bigger house, a faster car, a hotter girl, I was no happier and I drank more and more and more. No matter how much I had, it was never enough. And no matter how much I drank, it was never enough. Then I blamed my friends, my partners, my colleagues, my parents, my upbringing, my environment.

The penny dropped about four months into sobriety and it was so much more simple than I'd ever imagined. Want to know why I drank? I drank because I'm an alcoholic, and that's what alcoholics do, they drink.

And it's become so much easier since I accepted that, accepted that changing peripheral things in my life made no difference, and accepted that it was ME that needed to change.
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Re: Why Did I Drink?

Postby PaigeB » Fri Feb 02, 2018 7:07 am

I realised recently that I was actually jealous of the Tim I became when I was drunk.

That's the fantasy of it... we think it was good. The reality is that it was NOT good.
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Re: Why Did I Drink?

Postby Brock » Sat Feb 03, 2018 7:15 am

In the book ‘Twenty Four Hours A Day,’ this is part of today's meditation, it fits this subject.
Drinking gave us a temporary feeling of importance. When we're drinking, we kid ourselves into thinking we are somebody. We tell tall stories to build ourselves up. In A.A. we don't want that kind of self-importance. We have real self-respect and honesty and humility. Have I found something much better and more satisfactory than drinking?
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Why Did I Drink?

Postby avaneesh912 » Sat Feb 03, 2018 7:31 am

Yes, the doctors opinion gives us the main reason..

We drink because of the "Effect" produced by alcohol. And our mind keeps taking us back to that state of existence, when we usually run into issues/ego hurt (un-manageability). But then the body of an alcoholic reacts different. It wants more. Thats the vicious cycle.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Why Did I Drink?

Postby 03sonicstang » Tue Feb 06, 2018 10:39 am

Thank you for your post. Got me thinking even more, which is always a good thing.

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