My Journey - now Euthanasia gives me some peace

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My Journey - now Euthanasia gives me some peace

Postby harrisb1 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 5:45 am

What made me write this -studying euthanasia and getting excited at the fact that I can now qualify in Switzerland for Dignitas on physical illness of testicula and extreme mental illness cases.....am i depressed.right now i feel its good news. Having felt I have never chosen how too live my life and now discovering i get to possibly choose how it ends and being comfortable with it.

Has my life been good..the majority would look at the papers and read a life filled of manic highs carrying success and fortune earnt with a fortunate skill set and a loving successful perfect happy family. I see different. People other than my family I love and who have loved me feel it's modern day slavery. I've lived it and I now hate it. I hate them and most of all I hate me and the world I've had to live within. Whose them....to be honest I don't know but I don't know if I can blame individuals lack of individualism and rational thought or the education that we have been fed.

The thing I hate most about me is my mind and what it does. Agrees, follows and then trys to break free after building regrets. Often suffereng the fear of my mind that carrys me around in endless circles, clock watching and then getting another round that if often worse with the little sleep my infinite swirling brain cycle allows me.

My fault? Dunno. I aid it yes when I self medicate, but only to take a break from it because I look back at my very few fond memories which none are from goals Ive wanted to achieve for mine own accept one. Well two but the second was a result of an early life crisis which gave me an option to sail off land and away from people. The fond memory was making the age group rep teams for both Cricket and basketball. Making the age group football team and age group swimming and athletics brought me fear mostly as I succeeded those for others and then the long ambiguity of possibly letting those standards slip would let my family and friends down. But making the Canterbury cricket team at 2 years junior the standard age was mine. Two tertiary qualifications, engagement in marriage, top rated media broker in Australasia, owning my own business at age 25, overseas travel due to success etc etc.....yes it felt good but it doesn't last and mostly they were goals shaped by others. My true goal was to be a chef and one day wn my own restuarant but of course this was a sub standard career so I got the idea at age 10 that I should become a barrister or top ranked businessman was the path I should follow so I could be viewed as a success in those previous ideas my folks and society drilled into my infant brain. But not only that I also had to continue sport, study high end University after pre schooling and all the way through work part time jobs to pay rent to a wealthy family that required this as the norm of how to grow as a human to achieve their goals.

So I write this to try and see if anyone can shed some light on what is wrong with me and my world I lve in or is this the fault from modern pressure shaped by how we are expected to evolve in society so here we go.

My names Brent and I am an alcoholic from some say the most beautiful country in the south called New Zealand. Now I am certain most who are knowledgable of New Zealand, they would say it's a beautiful country. It is beaultiful. But so is Antartica and ice. It's cold as F*** and expensive as F***. Right now is the best time. Warm summers weather and I can finally put words to the page because I have some will after my new Euthanasia discovery.

I am an Alcoholic. By choice?? Right now I would say so but I certainly got the right training from a father who introduced me to it and bought high strength spirits for me from the age of 14. As long as it's not drugs.lol What a crock of S*** that is. Alcohol is the worst F*** drug on our market. If it were illegal it would be class A.

Do I take other drugs. Stupid bloody point right there because everyone does. Sugars a drug and it gives diabietes. I smoke weed medically but illegally as I try to rebel these ones that are now forced upon me which are....Seriqual Quatiapine (800mg) for sleep which in my country is preferred over weed. Respiridone, Setroline, Citalopram and Lithium because I took speed when I was forced and black mailed to replace my medicinal weed use with the disgusting level of sedative Seriqoul so I could complete my last 2 weeks intense business weeks and be capable to drive which again disgusts me as I begged for help 3 months and no one listened. Why were those weeks important? To keep my international media brokerage and family onside basically as without the speed this would not of been possibly on 800mg of quatiapine.

In the end I was so disgusted with my senior partner, family and doctors at the close of year I called the intervention to say what happened and why and I was called a drug addict for using speed. I liked speed recreationally pre then. Using it to counter act a sedative that you become addicted that was forced upon you and then trying to quit and getting told it would not be possible until Christmas forced this upon me.

Am I an Acoholic....I would say yes. But I did my first rehab and was sober after and built a business but used marijuana medicanally as the business wasn't my dream it was my fathers and after success can only come failure which give anxiety, no sleep and you waste away.

So besides representing in 3 sports for state, 2 tertiary degrees, a group of great and not so great mates, an extremely wealathy brokerage mid twenties, propertys etc etc....I now have this

Broken marriage and abortion, imprisoned more times I can count, forced to drug by family and later by law called the mental health act, a dead girlfriend that not 1 person close to me gave sympathy for which was 1 week prior to my birthday, threats by gang members for being drunk broke and a gutter rat haing been screwed away from live and now facing the choice of, testicular cancer and the light at the end of my tunnel. ETHUNASIA in Switzerland because after released from the mental clinic I locked money away for the day I promised I would make my own choice.

This was 20minutes.....i could give detail or spell check it but its 1am and I am going to zone into a movie hopefully. Been trying to watch blade runner for 2 weeks and my brain wont allow me.
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Re: My Journey - now Euthanasia gives me some peace

Postby Tosh » Fri Jan 05, 2018 6:51 am

Welcome to the forum, Harrisb, and for your introduction which was quite a read.

Rather than try to unpick it and try to bring to some clarity to it, which I can't, my suggestion would be to go to a bunch of different A.A. meetings, find a sponsor, and work through the 12 Steps, and through that process, you will find some measure of clarity. And as a by-product, that which forces us to drink will be removed.

I remember going to my 2nd A.A. meeting and explaining to everyone why I thought I was an alcoholic (this is no way aimed at yourself and your story is very different to mine), and all I really did was blame my upbringing, the army, and mostly my ex-wife. I still remember the kind, but understanding smiles, from those older and wiser at that meeting. :lol:

The 12 Steps, Harris, and cricket is a boring game.

Regards,

Tosh
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
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Re: My Journey - now Euthanasia gives me some peace

Postby Blue Moon » Fri Jan 05, 2018 7:08 am

Eurhenasia is certainly one choice. Perhaps another is recovery.

When I came into AA, suicide was an option but didn't look like a very good one. My fear was about failure. I imagined waking up to the horror of finding myself on a locked ward being treated to looks of shock and sympathy. That's literally a fate worse than death for me.

Having plugged myself into AA, Steps, Service, the whole Package Deal, things changed. Today, I no longer fear waking up after a failed attempt, because the attempt itself is no longer something I need to seriously consider.
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Re: My Journey - now Euthanasia gives me some peace

Postby harrisb1 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 1:42 pm

I have been in recovery for almost 15 years. Many meetings, sponsor and all. My problems come from other pressures such as medications and why I have been an alcoholic

Sill in sobriety and now having no family member wanting to talk to me for the 4th xmas in a row since being legally formally diagnosed once and then being a test pilot for one size fits all medications under the ACT and then undiagnosed many times and removed from all medications and left a lonely mental broken wreck.....my biggest issue. My longest soberiety stint from alcohol and formal medications was almost 6 years
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Re: My Journey - now Euthanasia gives me some peace

Postby PaigeB » Fri Jan 05, 2018 1:46 pm

He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 152

We have an understanding of where you are that you likely have not experienced elsewhere, even in treatment. AND, most importantly, WE HAVE A SOLUTION.

No matter where you are in the world you can find us at a meeting... follow the links to your neighborhood...
https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources

There IS Hope. Let us share it with you before you make any permanent decisions.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
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Re: My Journey - now Euthanasia gives me some peace

Postby Brock » Fri Jan 05, 2018 2:44 pm

Your original post speaks about a lot of fond memories and not so fond regrets, I like these in particular - “But making the Canterbury cricket team at 2 years junior the standard age...My true goal was to be a chef” - My friend Tosh said in jest “cricket is a boring game,” and it certainly is the way most English players play it, but the first class sides like Canterbury is something to be proud of. I am West Indian and played a bit in my day, but not at that level, and in West Indian cricket if you play in a boring way you don’t get picked. As for the chef, it reminded me of the speaker who helped me along. Chris R is a chef and an alcoholic, and by putting his name into you tube you can hear what he says, he is a firebrand rough speaker who pulls no punches.

This non stop mind is something which ruins many peoples lives, learning to stop thinking and live absolutely in the present is a great thing. The books of Eckhart Tolle ‘A New Earth’ and ‘The Power of Now,’ I have found extremely helpful in getting peace of mind via freedom from thought, there are free audio tapes available online of these, and by listening while reading I have gained the most. And not just reading once, it’s a study and an ongoing development.

It’s nice to have you here.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: My Journey - now Euthanasia gives me some peace

Postby harrisb1 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 3:13 pm

All I wanted was a life I choose. I have even chosen a life without alcohol. I know the damages. I am again in sobriety. I even attend meetings. My main point is why should I get put on and off drugs like this one here. Please follow the link and tell me if this is fair?
(Link removed, sorry only links to AA sites allowed).

I have just been offered a life with this by yet another dr. I was taking the exact same dose as this person in the article. Not for the same reasons. For the reasons of sleep. This is also a black market highly lethal drug. I was black mailed in sobriety from alcohol after 5 years of sobriety. 2 of which I was a dry drunk and suffered from insomnia and in that time went through my fiancee aborting a child she wanted then change her mind. So after 2 years I looked into natural remedies. Mollowtonin for sleep and vitamin b12 for stress and anxiety. These did not cure my anxiety issues and mollowtonin did not help much with sleep. So I used marijuana medicinally as I learnt that it relieved my anxiety and cured my sleep.

Then the tough love body through recovery for family members taught my parents I was now a poly addict because I have substituted alcohol with marijuana. I lasted 6 months on Seriqual and my anxiety problems came back. Especially because I had now gained 15kg at that point. I begged to be removed by my gp but because of the dose I was not able as 800mg cannot be stopped and I was expected to still drive a motor vehicle.

I thought in sobriety family were supposed to return? I showed my family this and the have refused to believe this as I was given this by a DR. My couselor even suppoorted my case but not even that could change.

I am a man of simple tastes. I wanted to work a career I wanted and have a family that showed me the same understanding as I showed them. I never blamed them and never will as they are not docotrs. But doctors support medicinal cannibus for all my ailments. I even get offered regular scripts of diazapam which is highly addictive. I drank to suppress the madness after being commited by law to return to seriqoul at the exact dose in this article.

Last year in Sobriety my girlfriend died. 1 week prior to my birthday. My whole family were aware but I had not one comment or even a birthday present or card. They blame me for being the way I am. I don't think it's fair. I blame myself for drinking and trying to live their lives.
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Re: My Journey - now Euthanasia gives me some peace

Postby avaneesh912 » Sat Jan 06, 2018 10:04 am

The program of AA is a tool to look at ourselves. See the nature of our past. Our actions were always based on ego gratification. For bodily pleasures or for the mind. We always ran into trouble because its all external. Somebody else has to act according to your script. Usually it doesn't work that way. We get frustrated, agitated. So the 4th step is a good place to start. Of course, we have to decide that we wanted a permanent solution and also the program of AA could help us. Those are the 2 proposals an individual has to conclude. 5th step is where a person outside of yourself can look at the actions and show how warped our thought process was/is. Then we start to awaken. So there are lot of conclusions that a person has to arrive at and actions performed. Thats why you see so many people fall off the wagon. Yesterday at the 6.30 meeting, A woman picked up a white chip. She had 5 years of sobriety but threw it away. It works but we have to work it. Like the Zen months we need to walk on the thin line of NOW.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: My Journey - now Euthanasia gives me some peace

Postby positrac » Tue Jan 09, 2018 4:40 am

Honesty about your intentions could be the biggest benefit toward your life and care of that life. A lot of quack doctors are out handing pills out for the sake of making society zombies. If a doctor is not listening then you need to go find another person and or call your insurance company and explain that you need a no BS specialist for your concerns.
Work hard, stay positive, and get up early. It's the best part of the day.
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Re: My Journey - now Euthanasia gives me some peace

Postby Blue Moon » Tue Jan 09, 2018 8:36 pm

It's true that there are some wacky meds out there. I think when the Big Book says "we know only little", it's talking about the medical profession as well as alcohol. I'm much more conscious of anything which enters my body nowadays. Even a prescribed medication, I don't blindly take, I check out the details.
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