Suicide & Choice

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Suicide & Choice

Postby Timothy3012 » Thu Jan 04, 2018 4:42 am

I've been plagued with thoughts of suicide since I was about 11 years old. These thoughts have literally tormented me on a pretty much daily basis, and were particularly intense towards the end of my drinking. I used to lay awake at night imagining people talking about me after I had died and saying, ''Oh, Tim killed himself...'' ''Tim shot himself...'' Etc.

These thoughts did leave me for a while when I first got sober, but after a few months they came back. It was almost like a default setting that my brain had developed over the years. When any feelings of discomfort came up, the suicidal thoughts were never too far behind. These thoughts truly are tormenting because when they come, they are always accompanied by uncomfortable feelings - self-hate, hopelessness, anger etc...

About 2 months ago I had a new thought planted in my head. No-one had told me this or shared about it, the thought just came. The revelation hit me that it is no longer my decision. Since taking Step 3 with my Sponsor over a year ago, I have surrendered all decisions in my life to God. It is no longer my burden to carry. The constant inner-debate over whether I should be alive or not is no longer my right to even debate!

The freedom this has brought to my life is incredible. The second the thought of suicide comes up, I simply say to God and to myself, 'This isn't my decision anymore.' I am here on this earth as long as God deems it so. As AA has taught me, I am God's agent and am no longer here to live for myself. When my brain tries to take charge and tell me I don't deserve to be alive, the Step 3 prayer will always be there to remind me, 'Thy will, not mine, be done.''

I love it when - in recovery - thoughts just seem to appear, and a situation which has always looked a certain way is given an entirely new perspective. The power of perspective is life-changing and all I can do is thank God for changing my mind. What an incredible way of life recovery is.
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Re: Suicide & Choice

Postby Brock » Thu Jan 04, 2018 10:17 am

Each morning after checking out e-AA, I read what is posted on a site called ‘Transitions Daily,’ and then the daily meditation from Fr. Richard Rohr, this puts me in the right frame to set about my business. This morning after I read what Timothy said here, it was all I needed, and I had a good and productive morning. Thanks for reminding us what this program is really all about.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Suicide & Choice

Postby Blue Moon » Thu Jan 04, 2018 4:00 pm

Timothy3012 wrote:I love it when - in recovery - thoughts just seem to appear, and a situation which has always looked a certain way is given an entirely new perspective.


Pretty cool, isn't it?
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Re: Suicide & Choice

Postby PaigeB » Fri Jan 05, 2018 1:30 pm

JANUARY 5

TOTAL ACCEPTANCE

He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.

— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 152

Only an alcoholic can understand the exact meaning of a statement like this one. The double standard that held me captive as an active alcoholic also filled me with terror and confusion: "If I don't get a drink I'm going to die," competed with "If I continue drinking it's going to kill me." Both compulsive thoughts pushed me ever closer to the bottom. That bottom produced a total acceptance of my alcoholism—with no reservations whatsoever—and one that was absolutely essential for my recovery. It was a dilemma unlike anything I had ever faced, but as I found out later on, a necessary one if I was to succeed in this program.

From the book Daily Reflections
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

I don't know how to express my gratitude for life itself.

It is thanks to AA, sponsorship and an HP of my understanding that I am alive and a productive citizen today. I can only pay it back by service to AA & other alcoholics.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
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Re: Suicide & Choice

Postby BrendaChenowyth » Sat Jan 06, 2018 8:46 am

I'm glad you have worked out a way to overcome this..We are all here for a reason. We only get to do this once. Why waste it?
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