Completely ticked off

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Completely ticked off

Postby odat12 » Mon Dec 18, 2017 1:17 pm

So today is not the first time I have heard someone say that they heard from someone else something about me in the meetings. For a group that is supposed to be anonymous, I am ticked off that my life is being gossiped about when I'm not there. I really don't ever want to go back to the rooms again. I just started a big book study meeting and just want to quit it all. It's adding more drama to my life than necessary. I've just hit 4 months sobriety and this is not what I expected at all. I am so mad and don't have a clue how to deal with situation. And its so upsetting because its not the first time I've heard about this - people breaking other people's anonymity outside of the meetings to the point where a group member didn't come to meetings for a month. My pregnancy was announced at other meetings. And now people know when I have doctor appointments?? This is absolute BS. On top of this, a woman shows up at my work centering me out. This is not okay. I think I'm done. I go to AA to help, not to hinder.
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Re: Completely ticked off

Postby PaigeB » Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:22 pm

Your anger is understandable. But, I can tell you that your anger WILL KILL YOU.

I was the angriest person - still am and about to do my Fear Inventory, then my 5th Step. My sponsor had me read pages 66-67 everyday... "It is plain that..." through "... each and every one." Saying Amen at the end, making it a prayer. At other times of the day when I found myself feeling angry I found myself saying a shorter prayer, "God save me from being angry." It works. Even if just for the moment. Then it starts to work for longer periods. I started to practice Loving Meditation... sometimes just for 5 or 10 minutes. Sometimes coloring a mandala in blues and purples. Anything to get my mind off of my anger - it tends to breed on itself.

A friend had me read page 90 in the 12 & 12...
It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about “justifiable” anger? If somebody cheats us, aren’t we entitled to be mad? Can’t we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it.

Dangerous exceptions... Once again, I do not get to chose which things I will keep for myself. It is dangerous. I have tried it and almost got drunk. I know those who DID drink and others who drank and died. One gal, mad at the court for taking her driver's license, made it all the way through Step 3 and decided to have one more "good drunk" before she committed to this program. She died in a one car roll over crash, driving home from the bar good & drunk. Her first grandbaby was due within a month or so. She had everything to live for, yet the insanity returned and she thought she could make an exception based on anger.

One other thing I can tell you from experience, besides that this program works for me... Your experience WILL save the life of another suffering alcoholic. You will be able to share this experience, effectively & without anger, to help another woman go through what you have been through.

I hope this helps. It is not a one prayer & done thing. I have had to practice literally every moment of every day for quite a while and I am still prone to what I think is right-thinking anger. "God save me from killing someone!"

Hang in there - things get better... or at least we start looking at it a different way.
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Re: Completely ticked off

Postby avaneesh912 » Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:27 pm

Its unfortunate things like this happen. My sponsor always uses this cliche "Some other sicker than the others". So true. The ego gains strength when we share some information about others....we know more than the others... as simple as that.

There is a clear cut direction on how to deal with resentments:

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Completely ticked off

Postby PaigeB » Mon Dec 18, 2017 3:58 pm

Synchronicity! Avaneesh and I are talking about the same thing!

Here is today's Daily Reflection, which also spoke to me of your post today!
HONESTY WITH NEWCOMERS

Tell him exactly what happened to you. Stress the spiritual feature freely.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 93

The marvel of A.A. is that I tell only what happened to me. I don't waste time offering advice to potential newcomers, for if advice worked, nobody would get to A.A. All I have to do is show what has brought me sobriety and what has changed my life. If I fail to stress the spiritual feature of A.A.'s program, I am being dishonest. The newcomer should not be given a false impression of sobriety. I am sober only through the grace of my Higher Power, and that makes it possible for me to share with others.
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Re: Completely ticked off

Postby Blue Moon » Mon Dec 18, 2017 7:50 pm

I can relate to the feeling of resentment. That "number 1 offender" didn't magically vanish the day I walked into AA. I was still bedeviled by paranoia, fear, doubt, distrust of others, self-loathing.

I'm just wondering, why is it a problem even if your pregnancy is announced? After all, you just announced it here yourself. Is it perhaps a matter of control? It sometimes helps to consider "will this still matter in 5 years?" I found I couldn't even remember resentments from 5 years before, yet at the time they were dire.

If it is announced, do you know the context? I would hope it's in the vein of something like "I hope she can still get to meetings".
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Re: Completely ticked off

Postby Chelle » Mon Dec 18, 2017 8:32 pm

I ran into something like that once. It turns out that what was being said about me was out of genuine concern. My sponsor pointed out that if I didn't want them to know things, I shouldn't tell them! If it is your sponsor that broke your confidence, that's a different story.

Is it a big deal if someone knows you had a doctor appointment? If so, don't tell them. You have a right to privacy..

I was diagnosed with a medical emergency a few months back. I told a couple people and laid low. You know what they did? They prayed for me, they called, they made sure I wasn't alone. When I came back after being treated, everyone knew. At first it bothered me. I've always been so private. They were genuinely concerned and happy that I was ok. I didn't have that when i was out drinking.

I hope you don't let your resentment chase you away from AA. I have found way more good than bad. It's up to me which one I focus on.
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Re: Completely ticked off

Postby tomsteve » Tue Dec 19, 2017 8:38 am

i think it happens to many of us. early in recovery, i went to a meeting and someone brought up this exact topic- gossip about members outside of meetings.
so i shared a bit about how i was responsible for the death of another human while i was drunk and the mass amount of gossip that went through small town U.S.A.
just what little i shared about the situation and how i had to stop caring about what others thought about me because i knew the truth-brought quite a bit of gossip in the future.
by then i had worked quite a bit on myself, so when someone came up to me with the gossip, i was able to react a little more sanely. sometimes i responded with a simple,"im sorry to hear the story get so twisted."
or my response may have been,"ok. and i need to know this why?"
sometimes just simply,"thats nice."
sometimes i added a detail to add to the gossip and sent in back out. that might not have been a sanely reaction, but it sure had me smiling.

on this:
It's adding more drama to my life than necessary.
is it honestly? who is causing it to be dramatic?
whenever im disturbed about what others do or say to or about me and it hurts me, its only hurting me while the other people are walkin around not even thinking about me.
so best to look inside- which the 4th step is great for.

theres also a difference between gossip and a genuine concern.
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Re: Completely ticked off

Postby Brock » Tue Dec 19, 2017 10:50 am

Earlier this month we had a topic which asked these questions -
Where do we get our expectations about AA?

Why are they frequently wrong?

Can we do better at informing new members about what they might expect?

We discussed that maybe we should ‘warn’ newcomers that not every AA meeting is the same, we could add that some people completely ignore the ‘what you hear here stays here’ statement, which is normally read out, or sometimes seen on the walls of meeting places.
It's adding more drama to my life than necessary.

Some small minded people thrive on that, and create drama where none is necessary, also I feel a woman showing up at your place of work in connection with this, gives you every right to be pissed off. I also would hate this to be the end of your meeting attendance, but I would calmly state at my next meeting that I was very disappointed with what has happened, and never expected this from AA, it might help others coming in to not suffer from gossip like you have.

For me the bigger picture, is that this sort of thing is a direct result of the popularity of ‘discussion’ type groups, and many feeling that AA is a support group for all of life’s problems, not just alcohol. And even in step study groups, I have often heard and even been guilty myself of bringing personal stuff into the discussion.

I relate to what someone said about these things looking worse when they happen, and I have had a few occasions over the years where I stayed away from meetings for a while, after being annoyed over one incident or another. Try to press on with the steps, most of us cut back on attendance after that anyway, best of luck.
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Re: Completely ticked off

Postby positrac » Tue Dec 19, 2017 11:25 am

odat12 wrote:So today is not the first time I have heard someone say that they heard from someone else something about me in the meetings. For a group that is supposed to be anonymous, I am ticked off that my life is being gossiped about when I'm not there. I really don't ever want to go back to the rooms again. I just started a big book study meeting and just want to quit it all. It's adding more drama to my life than necessary. I've just hit 4 months sobriety and this is not what I expected at all. I am so mad and don't have a clue how to deal with situation. And its so upsetting because its not the first time I've heard about this - people breaking other people's anonymity outside of the meetings to the point where a group member didn't come to meetings for a month. My pregnancy was announced at other meetings. And now people know when I have doctor appointments?? This is absolute BS. On top of this, a woman shows up at my work centering me out. This is not okay. I think I'm done. I go to AA to help, not to hinder.

I am sorry that you have to experience brutal reality like this regarding gossip. I am far from perfect and I know my gossip capability is ready at a moments notice and thus the human trait I least like about myself.

I say this honestly is that when you drank I am sure you have a few rumors, gossip and much more and so to think in the rooms of AA, and or any other place we tread is going to be sterile at best is naïve. Maybe having this reality hit you now will be more of a reason to continue to work on your sobriety. See I figure if all us drunks were so perfect we'd never gotten drunk to begin with and thus AA would of never been part of our lives!!!! See this is about principles before personalities and life goes on. We all can suggest all kinds of logical things and it is you that must be willing to accept what you can change and the courage to change what you can and the wisdom to know the difference. Don't give up before the miracle happens ok.
Work hard, stay positive, and get up early. It's the best part of the day.
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Re: Completely ticked off

Postby anand » Tue Jan 09, 2018 7:55 pm

SO SO SO SO SO TRUE!! Thanks PaigeB, I was hoping to actually find that passage from the 12x12 today. I might actually post as a topic out of sheer Step 10 admitting when I'm wrong stuff. But yeah - Anger will find a way to kill us. Alcoholics cannot afford such resentments.

PaigeB wrote:Your anger is understandable. But, I can tell you that your anger WILL KILL YOU.

I was the angriest person - still am and about to do my Fear Inventory, then my 5th Step. My sponsor had me read pages 66-67 everyday... "It is plain that..." through "... each and every one." Saying Amen at the end, making it a prayer. At other times of the day when I found myself feeling angry I found myself saying a shorter prayer, "God save me from being angry." It works. Even if just for the moment. Then it starts to work for longer periods. I started to practice Loving Meditation... sometimes just for 5 or 10 minutes. Sometimes coloring a mandala in blues and purples. Anything to get my mind off of my anger - it tends to breed on itself.

A friend had me read page 90 in the 12 & 12...
It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about “justifiable” anger? If somebody cheats us, aren’t we entitled to be mad? Can’t we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it.

Dangerous exceptions... Once again, I do not get to chose which things I will keep for myself. It is dangerous. I have tried it and almost got drunk. I know those who DID drink and others who drank and died. One gal, mad at the court for taking her driver's license, made it all the way through Step 3 and decided to have one more "good drunk" before she committed to this program. She died in a one car roll over crash, driving home from the bar good & drunk. Her first grandbaby was due within a month or so. She had everything to live for, yet the insanity returned and she thought she could make an exception based on anger.

One other thing I can tell you from experience, besides that this program works for me... Your experience WILL save the life of another suffering alcoholic. You will be able to share this experience, effectively & without anger, to help another woman go through what you have been through.

I hope this helps. It is not a one prayer & done thing. I have had to practice literally every moment of every day for quite a while and I am still prone to what I think is right-thinking anger. "God save me from killing someone!"

Hang in there - things get better... or at least we start looking at it a different way.
Hi, I'm Anand and I'm an Alcoholic. And have been since 7/14/2003. Thank you for being here.
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