Roommate Hiding Relapse

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Roommate Hiding Relapse

Postby keepcomingback78 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 9:17 am

Hi all, I'm new here and happy I found this lovely online safe haven! I need some advice: I have a friend (also my roommate) who got out of a (voluntary) detox center on 11/17 after being there for six days. He started hitting meetings on the daily, picked up a sponsor last week, and has been doing great. A couple of days ago I thought I smelled vodka on his breath while otw to a meeting. I didn't say anything. It's happened a couple more times randomly and I've just thought I was imagining things. Well, last night I was helping him move his bed and saw a bottle in his closet. I didn't see if there was anything in it, but I know it didn't come into the house with his things. What do I do?? I know everyone's recovery is their own, but he can't hide booze in the house and lie (even if it's by omission) when I'm working on my sobriety and being honest, as well. I haven't been able to bring myself to call him on it. Any tips will be greatly appreciated.

So you know where my head is at the moment, I'm on the verge of driving home at lunch and dumping the booze/leaving the empty bottle with a note on the counter.

Thanks, y'all!
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Re: Roommate Hiding Relapse

Postby avaneesh912 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 9:53 am

Not sure if its a good idea to confront someone who is still not ready. They are going to deny that and get angry. If there was any agreement that no drinking/open containers in the room, you may bring it up gently. Be careful not to turn this into physical confrontation. Be safe.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Roommate Hiding Relapse

Postby Brock » Mon Dec 11, 2017 10:49 am

Welcome here keepcomingback, nice name.

I respect your concern for his welfare, and can see where you might feel a little betrayed by the secrecy. I do believe the mature and decent thing would be a simple conversation, just say you are not prying and didn’t purposely look, but in moving the bed you saw a bottle, and ask him if he has slipped how you might help him.

This dumping the drink I feel is going overboard. You didn’t say how far along in the program you are, and I guess if what he does puts your own sobriety in danger you haven’t completed the steps, if that be the case then maybe if he can’t or won’t stop, the living arrangements will need to change. You might well be surprised, perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt and offer any help you can, this will help you as well.

Best of luck to you both.
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Re: Roommate Hiding Relapse

Postby Layne » Mon Dec 11, 2017 11:10 am

I would tell him the truth, when you were helping him to move his bed, you saw the bottle of vodka and it's presence is disturbing you.

No elaboration on why it is disturbing you. Just stating a simple truth. Elaboration can come out or not depending upon his response.
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Re: Roommate Hiding Relapse

Postby keepcomingback78 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 11:39 am

Thank you guys! I have not completed the steps yet and know it is silly for me to say I'm not worried about my own sobriety, but in my own mind, I'm not. That being said, I do still have the character defect of wanting to "fix" people. I don't want him to drink because he is so much better without. And I certainly don't want him to hide it from me. However, I do understand his secrecy. Part of me wonders if he had the bottle somewhere I could/would see it on purpose... sort of a cry for help. He's never been a violent person, even at his worst, so I do not fear for my physical safety. I so appreciate having a place where I can come and talk through concerns with other alcoholics; recovering or just getting started.
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Re: Roommate Hiding Relapse

Postby Tosh » Mon Dec 11, 2017 2:54 pm

Are you tempted by the booze, keepcomingback?

If not, I'd probably say nothing. I've been in similar situations with guys I've been trying to help and I don't call them out on it, I just let them get on with it.

The Great Reality is the best teacher; I'd not get between him and his rock bottom.

However, I do understand you're sharing a room with this guy, so the circumstances are different and you've got to do what's best for your own sobriety.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
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Re: Roommate Hiding Relapse

Postby keepcomingback78 » Tue Dec 12, 2017 6:45 am

Hi Tosh, thanks for your insight. I'm not tempted, thankfully. I finally realized that being hungover and in a haze while trying to "life" is not worth whatever the heck it was I was getting from the drinking in the first place.

I decided I wouldn't "take his inventory" so to speak. I'll let it ride so long as he is not a danger to the household.

Thanks again, y'all! I really appreciate this online community that I just found :)
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Re: Roommate Hiding Relapse

Postby Blue Moon » Tue Dec 12, 2017 6:02 pm

Whose house is it? If it's your house (or your name on the rent), and if you've previously been clear you have a dry-house policy, then the rules were broken and you can address that. But if it's not your house, or there was no such thing agreed upon, then you can only do what's right for you.

I suggest not pouring it out, as it's not yours to pour.
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Re: Roommate Hiding Relapse

Postby positrac » Wed Dec 13, 2017 3:39 am

Blue Moon wrote:Whose house is it? If it's your house (or your name on the rent), and if you've previously been clear you have a dry-house policy, then the rules were broken and you can address that. But if it's not your house, or there was no such thing agreed upon, then you can only do what's right for you.

I suggest not pouring it out, as it's not yours to pour.


keepcomingback78

I thought the same thing yesterday and I opted to wait because it might have been overly pointed as I do at times. The other thought is if this person pays every month and just drinks and is not a problem child then who cares? Now caveat is that if you are seeing them drink in the common areas, and or the taunt of the drink is over powering then I can see the urgent concerns. If this guy just drinks and is clean and doesn't break stuff then maybe count your cards because some renters are just not cool and can drive a seeing person blind. options.....
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Re: Roommate Hiding Relapse

Postby keepcomingback78 » Wed Dec 13, 2017 6:49 am

Blue Moon and Positrac -

Thank you both for your input. I own the house and it's been made clear that he is to stay sober while living there. It was part of the deal when he got out of detox and moved in. He is hiding his drinking and still going to meetings with a few slugs in him. We have a house meeting tonight and I will address the drinking. He can't continue to hide it and live under my roof. I've seen his drinking take over before and I won't enable him. He can find somewhere else if it's that important to him. I refuse to be taken advantage of at this point.
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Re: Roommate Hiding Relapse

Postby positrac » Wed Dec 13, 2017 8:49 am

keepcomingback78 wrote:Blue Moon and Positrac -

Thank you both for your input. I own the house and it's been made clear that he is to stay sober while living there. It was part of the deal when he got out of detox and moved in. He is hiding his drinking and still going to meetings with a few slugs in him. We have a house meeting tonight and I will address the drinking. He can't continue to hide it and live under my roof. I've seen his drinking take over before and I won't enable him. He can find somewhere else if it's that important to him. I refuse to be taken advantage of at this point.

Thanks for the clarification as it is important to have set rules in-place and as a detox person they risks were up front and it is a cunning and baffling disease as you well know.


I guess when it is all said and done you learn another lesson and it just makes for better arrangements for the next guest.

be well.
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