Expressing Dissatisfaction.

[FYI]

Being sober, how do we express our anger, impatience, and displeasure, without actually getting angry!

The forums will from time to time put up topics like this, in the hope that members will find them interesting enough to start a discussion.

[PaigeB]

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.

We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. BB 66-67

This part of the 4th Step. What I get from it is that I cannot wish away my human need/urge to be angry. I will get angry - there is no doubt. It is dangerous for me to get angry and deadly to stay angry. How am I to escape? I see prayer is the answer, along with avoiding any further actual misdoings like retaliation.

I like short prayers and often just remind whatever Power there is that I need to be saved from my own anger.

[Brock]

Yes anger is not for us, and we should avoid it where at all possible. But there are things in the books which indicate we ‘don’t crawl before anyone,’ we stand firm when we need to. And if I am unhappy with someones behavior I believe I need to tell them about it, it’s how we do it that counts. In another thread Stella got some advise, on how to tell another lady she didn’t like what she was doing, these are some of those suggestions -

...stick your hand out and TELL HER...you are allowed to stand up for yourself... if she gets offended...thats her problem...tell her straight out...If I am not speaking up and being honest the behavior will continue...if I need to be a little rude I am.

I think avaneesh hit the nail on the head in saying this -

...problem arises when you raise your voice and your tone will show that you are coming at her at a angry place.

I agree a little prayer is useful before deciding what to say, they recommend something along those lines in the chapter ‘Into Action,’ - “...we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action,” keeping that in mind has saved me from raising my voice or cussing someone many times.

[D'oh]

The 3rd Step Prayer. Many Many Many times Daily. It is no where near as many times now, but Early Sobriety, WOW.

I use it more than the Serenity Prayer, for me it seems Less Selfish. Thy Will, not mine.

[avaneesh912]

Being sober, how do we express our anger, impatience, and displeasure, without actually getting angry!

There are spiritual teachings that talk about catching this emotion at the time of its initial phase rather than acting out and then making amends. Pause when agitated is a tool that we could use if we have gone past that initial state but it all depends on the state of my spiritual condition. Meditation is a key part of recovery where we get answers to many un-resolved questions.

[clouds]

I dont find myself in the position to tell people I dont like their behavior.
Usually telling people that behave badly what they are doing does nothing to change or help them.
I cant afford resentments so I find myself outwardly treating them tolerantly, if possible courteously, but my face does not give them permission or approval. Its hard to explain but basically I dont greet them with smiles etc, just the normal civilities. I try to stay clear of those kinds of people if I can.

[tomsteve]

i used to be a ragealolic. working the steps i learned i dont just go off in a rage- its a process and starts with frustration. i get frustrated,typically because things arent going MY was. if i dont catch it and let it continue i get angry. if i dont catch it and let it continue i get into a fit of rage- what the big book calls a brainstorm. if i let that go- welp, i have only been in a fit of rage a couple times and caught it there, but i have a feeling if i dont catch it there ill be drunk.
so, its best for me to catch it when im frustrated and find out why, which has always been because things arent going my way- im playing God saying i know better how things should do. when i let it go and get into anger and rage, im having a selfish,self centered pity party.
they aint fun, ESPECAILLY since no one wants to join me!
then theres impatience- patience isnt about what im doing while waiting- its about what im thinking.
displeasure is another one where im playing God and saying i know better.

however, the question "how do we express our anger, impatience, and displeasure, without actually getting angry! "
best for me to not react instantly. best to take some time and think. one thing i ask myself:"do i want to be happy or do i want to be right?"
and,"how important is this to me?"

when this comes to actions of people around me causing any of the 3, im allowed to set boundaries. i have to accept people how they are- give them the right to be how they are who they are( the right to be wrong)- but dont have to allow unacceptable behavior around me.

there are times i will talk to someone who,imo, isnt exibiting good things. its best for me to talk somehow like,"i notice you dont seem to be having a very emoitionally good time at the moment. anything youd like to talk about?" not that i always come off like that. im still not perfect and still dont always do what the bb suggests and think and pray on it a bit. when that happens, it typically creates havoc.
then theres times i have friends whose actions i dont approve of. i have to allow them the right to be wrong just as they allow me to be PERFECT!

[jenko]

Being sober, how do we express our anger, impatience, and displeasure, without actually getting angry!

10th step inventory. The 10th isn't just about what we do, it's about what we think. Step 11 will help you to become more self-aware of your own thinking. Catch these thoughts as they happen and do an inventory on them. Find out where you are wrong in your thinking. Which part of self is being threatened. Promptly admit it to God. Ask for direction. If it still needs to be addressed with the other person, you'll be in a much more emotionally stable place to address it in a sane and calm way.

Avoiding anger is not equal to stuffing or repressing it - that will make you very, very sick!

[Roberth]

have you ever heard the expression "how do you get to Carnegie Hall......Practice, practice, practice." In the beginning there was a lot of sitting on my hands and keeping my mouth closed when I was angry and unset long enough so I wouldn't explode. I had to learn to listen instead of waiting to talk. I need to learn just because I disagreed with others didn't mean they were wrong.