Domination and Dependency

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Domination and Dependency

Postby Timothy3012 » Sat Nov 11, 2017 4:11 am

Every now and then I come across a reading in my morning routine that sparks off huge amounts of identification for me, I just read this in 'As Bill Sees It' from page 176:

''The primary fact that we fail to recognise is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls; either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much...

...My dependency meant demand - a demand for the possession and control of the people and the conditions around me.''

I couldn't have seen the truth of this before I took Steps 4 and 5 with my Sponsor. After going through this process, I could finally see the reality of the disastrous state of my life. I could see that, before AA, I did not have a single relationship that wasn't severely tainted by my alcoholism.

My entire interaction with my family was based on manipulating them in order to get away with living the way I did; and then living in constant fear and tension about them finding out the truth about my life and rejecting me.

I would constantly go to my mum and dad to borrow more money and try to make them feel extra sorry for me (so they hopefully wouldn't ask too many questions.) It took me months in recovery to finally admit this to them and agree to pay back the substantial amount that I actually owe them.

I used my mentally unwell brother's home in order to keep the party going after the pubs closed. I invited people back to HIS flat whenever I wanted, using the rationalisation that I was somehow doing him a favor by including him in my social life. I would then amazingly end up resentful and angry toward him because of my fear that he would tell my parents what I was getting up to. (I was in my early 20's at this time, by all rights an adult and not a toddler!)

My friendships and romantic relationships were all purely based on what I could get out of the other person to try and make me feel better. I was walking during my lunch break about 8 months ago and for the first time in my life it occurred to me that there were two people in a relationship - the penny dropped that the other person has thoughts, feelings, and needs of their very own that did not relate to me!

I am so thankful for the 12 step process for helping me to see the truth. I can see just how unwell I have been with this illness of alcoholism, and I am starting to see the ways that it has affected the people around me. I was so unhappy and lonely before being brought into recovery - my levels of extreme self-centredness guaranteed it. AA has taught me that to have a happy life I have to think about the welfare of others and I can't live solely to try to fulfill my own needs.

I have learnt that the obsessive pursuit of my own happiness will never work but will only lead to more loneliness and misery. In order to find my life, I need to give it away. I have found huge amounts of happiness in giving my time, energy and care to others - in my case particularly to other alcoholics who need to hear the message of hope that AA freely gives.

I was incapable of this way of thinking before recovery. My selfishness blinded me to the truth and imprisoned me in a life of aloneness. My constant lying and attempts to control and manipulate those around me caused them to finally have enough and leave.

I thank God for the 12 Steps and for the Fellowship of AA. I thank Him for the massive change in perception He has wrought in me through these two powerful tools. I can see that the more truth is revealed to me, the more freedom I have from myself and my own selfishness. Even though it is sometimes painful to admit these things about how I have behaved, it is worth the pain for the deeper levels of freedom and peace that being honest about myself brings.
Last edited by Timothy3012 on Sat Nov 11, 2017 4:33 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Domination and Dependency

Postby avaneesh912 » Sat Nov 11, 2017 4:28 am

I thank God for the 12 Steps and for the Fellowship of AA. I thank Him for the massive change in perception He has wrought in me through these two powerful tools.

Thanks for sharing. Your share inspires me to continue to share the power of both the tools instead of just the fellowship. Thanks again.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Domination and Dependency

Postby Brock » Sat Nov 11, 2017 10:27 am

Thanks Timothy, great writing on how the program works, especially to see and overcome the selfishness, which is a hallmark of alcoholism.

I would mention that in my own experience however, I decided to do the opposite, and become absolutely unselfish around the home and at my home group. But by doing every chore that needed doing, over time I did come to see that others were becoming overdependent on me, and a slight resentment came creeping in. Humans will happily give up doing unenjoyable chores, around the house and meeting place, if we give them a chance, so I think we must be careful of not being taken advantage of, while practicing our unselfishness.
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