Why am I the nail right now

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Why am I the nail right now

Post by highcostofliving » Thu Nov 02, 2017 11:09 am

Every single time I start to feel like I'm making progress... life becomes a hammer. And then I read/hear stories from others that are far worse than my own, so I feel selfish and guilty about feeling so pounded into the ground... the high's and low's of this business of quitting are insanely difficult to handle right now.... plus I have a serious bout of anger boiling right below the surface (I think my skin is turning green), feels like at any minute I'm going to explode on some poor sap that says the wrong thing.... I'm trying to find an outlet, trying to pray (to something I don't believe in), meditate, read, meetings... I've gone to the gym all week... played with my daughter... and I still feel like right now, life sucks, not drinking sucks, and I literally feel like starting a fight (and I've never been in one - I never fight people), maybe I need a good whoopin...... it seems like I can't find a single moment of peace and quiet right now, in the world or in my head... it's a 24/7 assault....

Sobriety, in this moment, feels like the worst decision I've ever made.... if I didn't see/feel this crap while drunk... well ignorance is bliss.... 23 days feels like so what... thankfully I have a daughter that I don't ever want to let down, only thing keeping me from walking out of my office and headed straight to a bar right now....

Trying to just chalk this up as a shitty week... sorry for the ongoing complaining. Thanks for reading.
"The high cost of living, ain't nothin like the cost of living high" - Jamey Johnson

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Re: Why am I the nail right now

Post by PaigeB » Thu Nov 02, 2017 12:00 pm

My sponsor would say, "Paige, you are looking at the wrong things."
Me: =surprised :evil:

But I tried what she said to do... Look at something else. Make a Gratitude List using the ABC's everyday for 30 days. And remember that Loving others is more important than being Loved. Also, remember that this is not about me feeling better ~ it is about me being a principled person and being of service to others.
=surprised :shock: :?

But it worked. I start to think less about the aggravations of the day and think more about how the other person might be aggravated and how I could be of assistance, maybe just by smiling at them and encouraging them to get some sunshine. My Gratitude list was helpful too - it was real practical work that made me change my mind from the problem to the promise of better moments. And that is what a bad day is... broken down, it is just a few moments in time. So I remind myself that I am not blowing smoke up my own arse, rather I am just focusing on reality differently.

I hope you have a better moment in time soon. I actually am quite confident that you will. =smile :wink: :mrgreen:
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Re: Why am I the nail right now

Post by highcostofliving » Thu Nov 02, 2017 12:16 pm

Thanks Paige... gratitude list, huh? Seems like a good exercise....
"The high cost of living, ain't nothin like the cost of living high" - Jamey Johnson

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Re: Why am I the nail right now

Post by jenko » Thu Nov 02, 2017 12:23 pm

I was like you in early sobriety. There was no pink cloud. I felt just terrible! But you know, it wasn't sobriety that was making me feel terrible. It was my alcoholism. You take the booze away from an alcoholic, and they feel like crap! We're restless, irritable, and discontent. So, what you're feeling is actually normal for an alcoholic. This is why we need that "psychic change" or "spiritual awakening" from doing the 12 steps. I started working the steps not because I wanted to be less selfish, but because I wanted relief! Are you actively doing step work? Do you have a sponsor to help you?
Jennifer K. :)


Re: Why am I the nail right now

Post by Noels » Thu Nov 02, 2017 7:43 pm

Good morning High cost :D self examination have a tendency to bring anger out for not only do we need to admit (and swallow ) where we have been 'wrong ' we also (unfortunately ) see where others have 'wronged ' us. It's pretty normal to feel anger (or any other emotion) as we peruse, examine, clean and finally clear the slate.
Feeling angry is not necessarily a bad thing. Remember. .. we used to drink so that we didn't feel emotion so feeling any kind of emotion indicate to me that whatever you are doing is working so well done on that one.
Now you just need to decide (exercise your God given gift of choice ) about what to do with that anger.
Fromwhat you're saying it seems you are channeling the emotion of anger into something positive which is good.
I have found that talking to someone about my anger most of the time doesn't make it any better since they ask stupid questions or ssy even stupider things which makes it even worse so I literally 'clean house ' when an intense emotion 'hits ' me. I kinda work whatever emotion I experience out of my system - til I'm too tired to think and my body feels like it's falling apart. (Accompanied by very loud music and a closed door wherever i am busy cleaning) THAT works for me.
Whichever way you choose. ... feeling an emotion indicate you're on the 'right ' track.
Lotsa love and light
Noels xxx

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Re: Why am I the nail right now

Post by positrac » Fri Nov 03, 2017 2:38 am

You know you are really new at sobriety and if you reflect back to the very beginning of your life when the attraction to addition became fun and the outlet of feeling comfortable then speed up to now. You have to go through hell in order to find peace in this deal called sobriety.

Get out of your way! What does that mean to you? In time you can answer this with clear answers and today you are tripping up like stepping on your shoe strings. You have got a lot of work to do and it is a time issue and not on our terms and so you must learn how to hurry up and wait!

Might I suggest that maybe you write out your frustrations and whatever is bothering you like a ledger and at the end of the week review it if you can and then burn it. Some call these a God can and they write prayers in it and put it in a can and when they are answered as we understand it they burn it to show progress.

Eat a candy bar and just work at not drinking and or taking that first drink. It is a simple program and we can mess it up and make it way harder than necessary and you aren't alone and nor unique because we've all had to endure this progress in early sobriety.

Cheer up and smile and fake it until you can make it------> SMILE even when you are pissed. =biggrin =biggrin =biggrin =biggrin =biggrin
Work hard, stay positive, and get up early. It's the best part of the day.
George Allen, Sr.

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Re: Why am I the nail right now

Post by avaneesh912 » Fri Nov 03, 2017 3:37 am

I'm trying to find an outlet, trying to pray (to something I don't believe in), meditate, read, meetings.
You may also want to consider writing down resentments, fear and relationship issues. The book talks about, for a permanent solution, we need to start looking at the causes and conditions. Booze is not the problem. Selfishness and self-centeredness it the problem. It kills.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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Re: Why am I the nail right now

Post by desypete » Sat Nov 04, 2017 3:45 am

thanks for your honesty
you should share exactly how you feel in the rooms of aa and see what happens next

dont go into the aa room with a plastic smile and pretending everything is ok if its not, get honest and open up and you will find there will be plenty of people who will help you and you will help them with your honesty

its the growing pains of learning to live life sober, it used to make my blood boil when i would see happy joyus and free aa members sharing how everything in there life was great and how grateful they are etc when i was sitting there with such rage and hurt and pain, all my head could think of was my ex wife in bed with someone else, my kids taken away from me etc i had a list a mile long of what was so bad in my life

so i shared about it, i spat my anger out in the rooms and no it didnt cure or solve my problems there and then but it sure did help me to feel a little bit better
i would leave the rooms in a lot better shape then i was when i came into the meeting

hence my faith of aa started to grow as i came to see i could find peace so long as i was in an aa meeting
for an hour and a half my head would slow down

then i started to wish i could take all the aa members home with me so i could have there protection around me 24 7 as i was great in the meetings it was just when i was at home in my flat on my own that my head would kick off again

thankfully there are meetings everywhere and i made good use of them in my early days i lived in those rooms 2 meetings or more a day and it all started to help me grow

little did i know i had already found a power greater than me that i believe in and was prepared to follow and faith that had started to grow

i really would hate to go back again to those early days of learning to cope one day at a time with my head

the program sure does work without a doubt in not only bringing freedom from the booze but much more than that it brings peace in my mind and my soul

i had to keep it as simple as i could in those early days
i just kept on coming back, sharing in the meetings and making new friends along the way and one was to become my sponsor and take me threw the steps

but doing the steps is only the start of learning a new way to live my life trying to get rid of self
which to me i am convinced is a life long thing i am today less selfish than i was 12 years ago
but there is always room for improvement

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Re: Why am I the nail right now

Post by beginningagain7 » Sat Nov 04, 2017 9:03 am

Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We list people, institutions or principles with who we were angry. In most cases it was found that our selfesteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore, We were "burned up."

Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, pgs. 64 & 65, with permission from AAWS

I do not know if you have done or worked the 12 Steps yet, but I would suggest that you do. If you have then I would suggest that you go back into step 4. It will help you deal with anger issues.

Have a good day
John T.

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Re: Why am I the nail right now

Post by mule » Sat Nov 04, 2017 6:42 pm

Hello my friend, I read your story with sadness and pity. If I may...AA is a tremendous organisation and we all know of it's successes, but they are not doctors. With all due respect there are organic medical conditions that no amount of AA is going to cure. Could a visit to an MD be in order?

All luck my friend

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Re: Why am I the nail right now

Post by DesignatedDriver » Mon Jan 29, 2018 4:38 pm

At my first meeting I was told by another alcoholic “just because you’ve stopped drinking doesn’t mean bad things are going to stop happening” and he was right.

The world around me didn’t change. I realised pretty quickly that it was me that needed to change. The way I thought, the way I acted, the way I dealt with situations. That’s the hardest part. And not everybody liked me for it either but I’ve had to learn to accept that.

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