Call me Alice

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Call me Alice

Postby highcostofliving » Tue Oct 24, 2017 2:15 pm

Damn I hate this.... quick story. Was feeling mediocre today, a little off with my work on HP stuff.... but mostly things in sober land were humming along without too much thought... and then a sales rep took me and my boss to lunch.... no big deal, but, this guy must be a partier, for within a minute of being in his car on the way to lunch, I picked up the unmistakable smell of night before cocaine - hopefully that's ok to say? Anyone that's ever done it, should know what a car the day after smells like..I can pick that up in an instant... and man, it's been a quick spiral into exhaustion of AA...

So now, I feel tired of the entire thing... this constant mental assault, the depression of never picking up again, the failure of finding or even believing in an HP, falling behind at work as I'm completely obsessed with this right now..... the idea that this is a fight that I can't win, the 24/7 pain I get to deal with the rest of my life... it all just hammered home in one stupid sniff of my nose.... followed now by shear frustration at feeling this way... again - bordering on anger.....

Agitated at being told more meetings, I don't have friggin time - as a single father most of the time, yeah, I run pretty much non stop from 4:40 am until 8:30 at night... fit 2 hours in for a meeting Sunday through Thursday is not an option for me, unless I quit my job or leave a 3 year old to fend for herself (she is not a candidate to bring to a meeting... it would disrupt the entire thing)... I go Friday night and Saturday morning... 90 x 90... HAH, maybe if I didn't have a job, a commute, or a child... as it is... I'm venting, I'll stop.

Irritated at having to deal with this... irritated I'm irritated, I generally pride myself on accepting reality... well, my neck is broke, so only thing to do is start rehab and learn to walk.. but this.. I should be thinking well, I'm alcoholic, so only thing to do is to work at it, no complaining, no Expletive... but here I am... complaining..... and that's irritating to me....

Annoyed that I'm trying to trick myself into believing in an HP because that's my only chance against this..... sometimes I think I'm better off drinking and remaining an Atheist, at least then I'm true to who I am... rather than being a phony version of myself and compromising my beliefs.... the idea there is something looking out or helping me... it's ridiculous to me, I'm trying to convince myself that there is something there... but I know in my heart that's not really how I think it works.... so sweet, my only chance at sobriety is getting help from something that I don't think exists... but I have to find it anyways or I'm doomed?... feels pretty much like I might as well throw in the towel if that's my only chance....

Sorry for the downer post, and I hope I'm not offending anyone with my HP talk, just.... ahh! Tumbling down the rabbit hole today...
"The high cost of living, ain't nothin like the cost of living high" - Jamey Johnson
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Re: Call me Alice

Postby Brock » Tue Oct 24, 2017 5:04 pm

Writing about things like this is a good thing.

The agitation about being told more meetings when you just can't do it is understandable, we have a thread about 90 in 90 where we were discussing this the other day. I believe some folks push unrealistic ideals, without taking into account the living responsibilities some new members have, it's basically just attend when you can, nobody can fault you for that, and some have no access to meetings at all, but still recover.

Struggling to find a HP to my mind is counterproductive, and it might be best to just settle on the group you see a couple of times a week, others here have been successful doing that, their GOD stands for Group Of Drunks, the idea being that they have more power than you, (= higher power), since they are living fine without drink. If you get into the steps on that basis, the steps will still help you live in peace. Jim Burwell was among what are considered the founders of AA, atheist to the bone, if you Google his name it might make for interesting reading, you really are not alone in this lack of belief, and can move forward all the same.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Call me Alice

Postby highcostofliving » Tue Oct 24, 2017 5:20 pm

Thanks Brock... I swear I’m not a drama queen! I think it feels like every day sober is adding another brick to the load here, and I’m starting to crack... it’s so much work and stress. And I wasn’t tying to put down anyone going to meetings, I sort of enjoy mine, but it’s quite impossible for me to go a lot. I also realized now that I didn’t make my normal yoga class due to work, which is generally the only moment I get the entire week to slow my mind down. It’s so weird how quickly one little thing like a smell can drastically shift my attitude in the matter of moments. I also hate feeling feelings! So mycresomse seems to be immediate irritation.... I don’t know, I’m a damn mess right now... still fighting the good fight today though... just mad about it is all!
"The high cost of living, ain't nothin like the cost of living high" - Jamey Johnson
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Re: Call me Alice

Postby Spirit Flower » Tue Oct 24, 2017 6:16 pm

If you can't go to a meeting, then pick up the phone. Make a couple of friends from the meetings. There are chat meetings in the eAA group.

Set a schedule for doing reading and writing on the steps.

Like when I was working step 2, my sponsor said to find the place in the big book which most represented step 2 to me plus step 2 in the 12x12. Read a bit every day and write about what is my insanity. I did this for about 2 weeks, we talked and I went on. But the discipline is to do the reading and think about it.

Your emotions are normal for a newly sober person. You say you can't go to meetings, then you'll have to be self motivated. So get busy. Don't just sit there with your white knuckles.
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Re: Call me Alice

Postby positrac » Wed Oct 25, 2017 2:20 am

I believe we all have had our moments of saying to hell with this non-sense I'm outta here! Making meetings and life and other "stuff". I say with little hesitation that my addiction came first over everything else and so should my sobriety because in an instant I can get into serious trouble before I have time to think through my actions.

I would suggest two points which right now sound really stupid and they will become clearer in the future.
1) Cut yourself some slack
2) Get out of your way of learning recovery as for ME I am my worst enemy because I get into the way of progress.

None of us are demanding and or expecting perfection from you and we and I know I am far from anything like the poster child of perfection and I have a few 24 hours at this.

I use this term called HALT:
H-Hungry
A-Angry
L-Lonely
T-Tired
If you get into any of these things you can get into trouble and thus taking care of yourself is most important. Look at the things that get on your nerves and see if anything in HALT is a contributor and if it is then address it.
Have a better day.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
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Re: Call me Alice

Postby avaneesh912 » Wed Oct 25, 2017 3:39 am

I think it feels like every day sober is adding another brick to the load here, and I’m starting to crack...


Exactly. If we dont address the un-manageability (of step one), then we get powerless quickly. Thats why the old-timers insisted on working the steps quickly so we have a quick list of crap we need to work on.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Call me Alice

Postby highcostofliving » Wed Oct 25, 2017 6:54 am

Thanks all.... trust the process I guess.

Positrac - spot on!. I absolutely have a MUCH better time on the days I eat well, and get a workout in. I try my best to not let anything disrupt my yoga/basketball/gym - not only do those activities keep me from drinking, they also put me in a much better frame of mind, just feeling good and healthy, and also more confident. I have to squeeze those things in (except basketball, I have one game a week) on lunch break, so it's easy to have work take over that time slot... and Hungry! Don't you mean Hangry! =biggrin

I'm glad I had a place to vent yesterday and for all the tips/comments. Thanks for reading.
"The high cost of living, ain't nothin like the cost of living high" - Jamey Johnson
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Re: Call me Alice

Postby positrac » Wed Oct 25, 2017 7:34 am

Hangry

If you are in the south then right on! I am glad you are hearing us as we are life rings in the ocean and this life is a real rascal if we don't have plans in place to prevent and or address the "what ifs" On the fly actions are hasty and results can reflect as such. We all have to on the fly it from time to time and I know for me I have to keep it real because life will smack me down if I get to big for my drawers.
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Re: Call me Alice

Postby JohnDaniels » Wed Oct 25, 2017 5:48 pm

highcostofliving wrote:Thanks all.... trust the process I guess.

Positrac - spot on!. I absolutely have a MUCH better time on the days I eat well, and get a workout in. I try my best to not let anything disrupt my yoga/basketball/gym - not only do those activities keep me from drinking, they also put me in a much better frame of mind, just feeling good and healthy, and also more confident. I have to squeeze those things in (except basketball, I have one game a week) on lunch break, so it's easy to have work take over that time slot... and Hungry! Don't you mean Hangry! =biggrin

I'm glad I had a place to vent yesterday and for all the tips/comments. Thanks for reading.


High Cost,

I'm extremely pleased you faced the Important Milestones yesterday and stood up to them. You did everything the responsible way by taking actions, drawing on your own inner strength and drawing from the e-AA Groups strength here. A quick inventory of yesterday and today is likely to be saying you are a stronger man because of it.

One of my favorite quotes from the book "As Bill Sees It" is "All A.A. progress can be reckoned in terms of just two words: humility and responsibility. ..."

I hadn't been in the program very long when I asked a man to be my sponsor. He replied "I'd be honored to!" He told me something I was ready to hear and I needed to have explained to me about "Humility".
He said, "Humility is not humiliation. Humility is the ability to be teachable. Without this ability I would not have much progress in taking the actions I would need to take, the 12 Steps, healing, letting go of the past but never forgetting where I came from ..." and so on.

But about the quote from As Bill Sees It - I see that quote living itself out through your life of sobriety. I'm so proud of the way you faced yesterday ... in fact of the many things you've faced lately. I see the humility (from being teachable) in your actions of reaching out to your AA Family here. I see the responsibility in your actions of opening up honestly and taking the actions. It reminds me of something my wife and I have taped to our bathroom mirrors so w can read it every morning. It's probably nothing to allot of other people. But it's a big deal to me. I bet we've had that note on our bathroom mirrors for 40 years. It say's "Fear will die of it's own weight if you step up to it. Step up to the thing you are afraid of and it will fade away back into it's native nothingness."

One more thing and I'll quit my yacking. The other day you mentioned rattling bricks or shaking bricks. When I got mad at someone I used to say "Grrrrr! That bozo is rattling my bottles!" When I got sober changed all that with a more healthy mental image. Every day I'd make a visual image in my minds eye of making a solid foundation with high quality concrete. When the foundation was all set up solid, I would mentally lay ONE SOLID BRICK every single day starting on the corner of my foundation. As my rage went away I never did say "That bozo if rattling my bricks." =biggrin

I gotta go now bud. It's meatloaf night here.

Peace be with you
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