First Share

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First Share

Postby highcostofliving » Sun Oct 15, 2017 7:46 am

As someone who has spent years hiding themselves from pretty much anyone that would judge me for my drinking... I drank alone a LOT... I had a hell of a time making my first share in a meeting yesterday. But, I did it, needing to not just 'show up', I made the decision to actually be a member of AA... I pretty much choked my way through some sort of story, that didn't make a lot of sense, mostly just broken words and pauses. Despite the seeming support from people there, I am now really struggling to go to my morning meeting today... and it's not even the same people in this one! So much anxiety when I think about talking in front of people, so much fear.... going through this process - even just the early stages - has opened my eyes to a single fact... despite what I think of myself, and what I've told myself about my own self courage and strength. I've lived in fear of things for a long time... part of my morning meditation now is to ask for the strength to do or accomplish one thing that day that makes me afraid or anxious.... I wonder what fear I'll conquer today.

Thanks for reading.
"The high cost of living, ain't nothin like the cost of living high" - Jamey Johnson
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Re: First Share

Postby avaneesh912 » Sun Oct 15, 2017 8:50 am

Hello, don't worry about the chatter between the 2 ears. Just go to meetings. I sometimes don't make sense either. And i dont feel comfortable to give out the chips. But if people ask me to I do it. Remember, we soothed these emotions with alcohol. Its only natural everything comes out un-glued. You will see as you keep working the steps, its all selfishness and self-centered conduct. Its about what others will think of us. Bear in mind, everybody has gone through this in the early stages of recovery. I share this, if you are not disgruntled when you first come into the rooms, there is something else the issue. Alcoholics must be grumpy without booze or not working the steps.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: First Share

Postby Patsy© » Sun Oct 15, 2017 11:17 am

Hi highcost,

In early sobriety, at AA meetings we were encouraged to listen and ask questions and to take the suggestions that are offered. Are you aware that you do not have to speak and that is perfectly ok? Its much more important when new, to be listening, identifying, asking questions and taking the suggestions then to be trying to speak.

A Sponsor is so valuable in early sobriety, not just for taking one through the 12 steps, but for being there and listening to the newcomer who needs to talk and ask questions.

Showing up to AA meetings is important, as is coming early and staying late so that we can meet and talk with other AA members. Other suggestions that are offered to newcomers are joining an AA home group, getting a Big Book and reading it, getting a phone list and calling AA members, getting a meeting list book and being aware of the AA meetings in your area are all vital.

I am not sure but by your posts here, it almost sounds like you are trying to do this alone? They don't call AA as We Program for nothing, its one alcoholic helping another. WE can't do this alone, a sick mind can not heal a sick mind. We need help from those who have come long before we got to AA and you will be helping them, much more than they are helping you :)

Have you asked for help at the face to face AA meetings that you attend?
Failed 12 Step Call? Not if we walk away sober!
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Re: First Share

Postby desypete » Tue Oct 17, 2017 5:18 am

well done on having your first share in aa
its certainly not easy to speak up for the first time, that first time is the hardest, just try it again and take notice of how you feel after it,
in my early meetings i would share my heart out as i knew or came to see it helped me get by
i might go into a meeting all screwed up in my head about anything and everything, but when i would let it out, my head would clear and i would always go home from the meeting in a much better place in my mind.
i would feel lifted and happy or just able to cope hence i came back to a second and third meeting and many many more as it did me good and helped me
later on i would get a sponsor and work the steps
but those early days all i could do was get to meetings as they saved my soul
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Re: First Share

Postby highcostofliving » Tue Oct 17, 2017 8:39 am

Thanks all. Patsy, I think I was telling myself I wasn't going it alone, but maybe I truly was. I think that's what was important about 'making' myself share something to at least one group..... while I didn't suddenly feel relief or unburdened, afterwards, there did seem to feel what could only be described as more acceptance from that group... not that they weren't before, but it certainly felt like I was now part of the group... if that makes sense. I got a lot of pats on the back afterwards and a few people made an effort to initiate conversations with me (which is huge, for me as I'm terribly shy and starting a conversation is like asking me to jump off a cliff... I might survive, might not :).

I think it was a big first step for me... and will hopefully lead to a couple more shares and finding a sponsor.... we'll see.

Thanks for the responses, and thanks for reading.
"The high cost of living, ain't nothin like the cost of living high" - Jamey Johnson
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Re: First Share

Postby Spirit Flower » Tue Oct 17, 2017 9:49 am

highcost, the people in AA are incredible. Let them help you. Let them in. We've all been in your shoes and we know how you feel.
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Re: First Share

Postby JohnDaniels » Tue Oct 17, 2017 3:48 pm

Way to go High Cost!

Progress, progress, progress!

Peace
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Re: First Share

Postby highcostofliving » Wed Oct 18, 2017 6:50 am

Thanks John! One small step in AA, one giant step in life!
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