Helluva Day

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Helluva Day

Postby highcostofliving » Tue Oct 03, 2017 1:21 pm

This is it... my drink day. I make it through the entire week with no alcohol, easy... but then I hit today, Tuesday. See, my mom has late stage dementia. My parents apparently made really poor financial decisions, so rather than in home care or a care center, we alternate days to watch her... it's in a small trailer, in the woods. I give her meds, she passes out early... so I'm alone, with nothing to do.... my wife and kid won't see me. I don't have to drive anywhere. I can just relax and drink.... I did the meetings this week, worked the steps as far as I could, searched for sponsors, worked on e sponsors. I have my 24 hour coin in my hand right now.... I did my yoga class today (which is the closest I've been able to get to finding/surrendering to a higher power that makes sense)....

I haven't spent more than 20 minutes at work, doing work. Alcohol has consumed all of my thoughts today... I'm repeating the mantra, just don't drink today. Just don't drink today... but the truth is, I want to... I don't WANT to be alcoholic. I don't want to spend Friday nights (one of my few nights with both wife and daughter) at a meeting... or Saturday and Sunday mornings... for the next however many YEARS... it's seems just so tiring. I was raised not to be a whiner, don't complain... just buck up and deal with things, without asking for help. If you need help, you're not trying hard enough.

I have a number from a few people from the meetings... how do I make that call? I'll sound pathetic, like a whiner... or I'll just end it quickly and say thanks for the help, without allowing them to help... see, then at least I tried everything... can't I just ignore this, and go back to how it was. I don't get DUI's, or Jailtime, or drink around my wife or kids - or anyone. Nobody gets hurt, I am in good shape, good health... I still work out.... so why, why the hell am I putting myself through this.. Don't I deserve a friggin night off once a week?

So, those are most of my thoughts at the moment... man, I guess it took me to really decide to try and quit to actually start to realize how deep of an obsession I seem to have with alcohol..... and I was SO motivated when I woke up this morning... this is really friggin hard. Hats off to all you guys that have found your peace with this.... wasn't sure where a post like this should go... but needed to.. get some of it out.... thanks for reading.
"The high cost of living, ain't nothin like the cost of living high" - Jamey Johnson
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Re: Helluva Day

Postby Brock » Tue Oct 03, 2017 1:57 pm

One of the things I really like about your posts, is that they tend to cover a range of questions which you have the answer for, thoughts which any alcoholic might have very well laid out. I was scared this time because I didn't see any answer coming, and thought you were giving in, until this - “I guess it took me to really decide to try and quit to actually start to realize how deep of an obsession I seem to have with alcohol.....” There's a good lesson in that, it's hard, but one which every one of us had to learn.

Because it affected me badly as well, actually had me using it as an excuse to leave AA, this is something I want you to never feel is your future - “I don't want to spend Friday nights (one of my few nights with both wife and daughter) at a meeting... or Saturday and Sunday mornings... for the next however many YEARS...” It may be your immediate future, and hopefully extra motivation to do those steps, because once they are done, make no bones about it, the urge to drink will be done as well. And meetings will not be a necessary lifeline to keep you sober, living in the solution described in steps 10,11 & 12 will do that.

I too never phoned anyone, just like yourself and others I have heard, I didn't want to 'bother' them, until after I recovered and a few choose to phone me. And it was a pleasure to help them, far more satisfying than any TV show or pretty girl I might have been engaging my time with, if you need it do it, they will be very pleased to help. If it's a fight tonight win the fight, anyone can stay away from alcohol for another day, then tomorrow it's Wednesday, not your drinking day anyway, and you will have a smile on your face. Stay with this program and do those steps you will have a permanent smile, and that day you think you deserve once a week, of no worry and a feeling of serenity, will become just about every day for the rest of your life. Don't pay the high cost today, tomorrow you’ll feel better.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Helluva Day

Postby highcostofliving » Tue Oct 03, 2017 2:55 pm

Thanks Brock....

I had spent the whole weekend preparing for a good week of not drinking and coming back to the meetings all full of success come Friday.... I've always been a visualize success and it'll happen for you type... I'm thinking that possibly because I've always had my next drunk night planned ahead, not drinking on the unplanned nights came easy... so I've never really experienced the cravings (or if I did I was too naive to it I didn't notice), but holy S today... it feels like this obsession from left field is just pulling me down... one would think that after all I've read and reflected and heard over the last few weeks, I would have been a little better prepared for this onslaught....

Thanks for bringing up my song, and the reminder that not drinking tonight will absolutely put a smile on my face..... just don't drink today, right?

Also, whats interesting is I say that 'I don't want to spend my friday night...' but the truth is, I spend some of those entire nights away from them so I can drink, coming home hung over and sleeping the night before off.... but I get upset that I might have to spend an hour at a meeting... it's makes absolutely no sense when I think about it...

Anyways, thanks for reading, helped to get some of this down in writing there....
"The high cost of living, ain't nothin like the cost of living high" - Jamey Johnson
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Re: Helluva Day

Postby positrac » Wed Oct 04, 2017 2:23 am

Good post with a lot of feelings of a lot of stuff! I had been sober maybe 7 months and out of rehab maybe 2 months and I came home one day and I was totally stressed out and just ready to get drunk! My roommate was very active in his disease at that time and he'd get tight on Thursday nights and last until Sunday morning and bounce back by Monday. I said F-it I'm gonna get drunk and part of me was just talk and yet part of me was hoping for some validation that it would be ok. Instead my buddy said: I'll beat your azz if you drink because you are doing what I can't seem to do and I am proud of you..... huh? Took the wind right out of my sails and I took a breath and stepped back. I don't remember the rest of that day as it was in 1990 and long since forgot a lot; but I keep these little trivial points fresh in my mind as to remember what it was like.

It would be nice if we could give you a pill and or something to eat and the urge to drink would just leave you , as that would be so easy and nice. But we have to go to hell in order to come back from hell in order to respect the pain and the shame I think and to cultivate our desire not to want the drink and to not take the drink. You have to get into a mind set that this insanity has got to stop no matter what and once you are completely worn down then you can surrender and it'll stick. It is said don't give up before the miracle and right about now you are thinking they ain't talking to you...But we are and as much as we might give ideas you provide us with those gripping details of how it is and for me I can say that nothing has changed except time.

keep coming back and you know that one ton phone you can't call someone in AA is because you aren't ready to hear what they have to say because it might mean you have choices and one of them is not to drink today.

May today be better.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
Hopi Proverb
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Re: Helluva Day

Postby Cristy99 » Wed Oct 11, 2017 2:31 pm

HIGH COST:

Man oh man. I love love your posts! The absolute "no bones about it" brutal honesty you share is very moving to me. It brings to mind one of the passages in the "How it Works" section in the Big Book on page 58 that talks about those who do not recover because they cannot or will not be completely honest with themselves. They can't grasp and develop a manner of living (our manner of living) that demands rigorous honesty; their chances are less than average. It goes on to say that "many" people with "grave emotional and mental disorders" can even recover if they can be honest. I believe honesty is huge in our recovery.

You wrote:
I have a number from a few people from the meetings... how do I make that call? I'll sound pathetic, like a whiner... or I'll just end it quickly and say thanks for the help, without allowing them to help... see, then at least I tried everything... can't I just ignore this, and go back to how it was. I don't get DUI's, or Jailtime, or drink around my wife or kids - or anyone. Nobody gets hurt, I am in good shape, good health... I still work out.... so why, why the hell am I putting myself through this.. Don't I deserve a friggin night off once a week?


You show so much wisdom here...and bare naked, utter HONESTY with yourself!!! Maybe...just maybe you are doing a little better than you thought. Seems like honesty is a large part of the battle to me.

I remember times when I couldn't even handle saying "one day at a time." A day felt like a lifetime. Sometimes I had to say 5 minutes, 15 minutes at a time. I realized it adds up, little by little. Distractions helped me in those quiet and alone times when the mental obsession was too much. Filling myself up with a hot fudge Sunday was better that booze right? Alcoholism does only one thing. It progresses. You may be ok and functioning...but not for long. Soon, if you're an alcoholic like me, you won't have the choice not to drink.

One more thing. Don't ever hesitate in calling the phone numbers you have. If they didn't want you to call I promise they would not have given you the numbers. I know it's hard to imagine, but when you call an alcoholic in the program, it helps the alcoholic more than it helps you. I never believed it!!! Not until it happened to me. The happiness I received from being able to give what was freely given to me was truly overwhelming.

Thanks again for your post!! Such a great reminder for me!! Stay strong!! We're pulling for ya!!
Hugs!
Cristy
"Talk doesn't cook rice."
~ Chinese proverb
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Re: Helluva Day

Postby highcostofliving » Thu Oct 12, 2017 6:57 am

Thanks Cristy.... your response there was well timed, I've been thinking about honesty a LOT lately... I heard a lot of people talk about alcoholics as being chronic liers and such... well I can't speak for anyone else, but I always prided myself on never lying about my drinking. It was how I convinced myself for years that I wasn't a 'true alcoholic', I didn't lie about it or hide it from people..... instead, I just earned a Masters Degree in deceit. I learned exactly what everyone in my life needed to hear so they'd think it's ok or under control.... I could leave a bottle of wine on the counter, but throw away the 12 empty beer cans... if someone wanted to think I 'only' had a bottle of wine... well, that's not me 'lying'. I'd leave my friends houses or party's early after 2-3 beers - see, I'm responsible, I only drink 2-3 and I never drive drunk... they didn't know I'd go from there to a place I could drink without driving and have another 12 or 18 pack.... I'd frantically do the dishes, start a load of laundry and take out garbage right at the end of a drinking night, so that when my wife got home she wouldn't think I wasted the entire night sitting in front of the computer getting wasted... I'd even make sure I didn't pass all the way out until she climbed into bed when she got home, just so I could roll over or move a little to give off the appearance I wasn't 'passed out'.... If I was going to drink on a Saturday night, my deceit would begin a week in advance, if I was hanging out with friends, I'd set the start time earlier (so I could leave earlier to drink for real).. I'd tell my wife I needed to go to the gym the next morning allowing me an extra hour of recovery (she'd think I was working out, but I was at the gym, sitting in the shower stall trying not to puke)..... and at the end of it all, if I'm truly honest with myself about it, I doubt I fooled anyone all that much, in fact the only one 'fooled' by all this has been myself....

I've been wondering lately too, if some of the reason I haven't shared anything at the meeting is the other people in the room speak to my soul... I know with a certainty that they'd see through my bs as it was coming out of my mouth... when I think about what I may want to share, in my own head, it's always exaggerated or modified to sound better... sadly, I don't think I've had a truly honest conversation since I cracked open my first drink 20 years ago... so much so, that I literally have to stop myself and re word things to the truth - even when I'm typing posts on this forum I have backspaced my way through a modified version to re write it truthfully...

Anyways, thanks.... I think you're right about honesty, and I've held on to that part of the Big Book pretty tight... as long as I'm doing that, seems like there's some hope... thanks for reading.
"The high cost of living, ain't nothin like the cost of living high" - Jamey Johnson
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Re: Helluva Day

Postby Cristy99 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 8:23 am

High Cost:

THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE MY FRIEND!!!

You wrote:
I just earned a Masters Degree in deceit.

Ha!!! Me too!!! I worked so damn hard to be clever enough to disguise it all as pretty words like "deceit." Then my sponsor told me that all those little ways we have to disguise our truth fall under one word. DISHONEST!!! GRRRRRRRRR!!!!! Sigh. I grew a lot that day.

Yes. Fellow alcoholics that can see your face and hear your words, if they care anything at all about you, will see right through your BS. Sorry man. You can't BS a BS'er. However, this is just a habit that needs to be broken. You can't break a habit without a lot of practice. I would like to encourage you to start sharing in meetings. Do your best. Make your mistakes. For myself, if I'm not messing up a little, that only means I'm not trying to grow.

Go get 'em tiger!!

P.S. Please get this soon....I've worked so hard, but still struggle so much with this. It's none of your business what others think of you. It just doesn't matter. You are of mucho value and you are loved!!
"Talk doesn't cook rice."
~ Chinese proverb
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Re: Helluva Day

Postby Spirit Flower » Thu Oct 12, 2017 8:38 am

I know with a certainty that they'd see through my bs as it was coming out of my mouth
Thats only cuz we been there done that.... and now we laugh about it.
...a score card reading zero...
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Re: Helluva Day

Postby Noels » Thu Oct 12, 2017 12:26 pm

Howdy High cost. Sounds like you haven't quite accepted and made peace with step 1 yet. Until you do the booze and thoughts about booze will win and you will be miserable.
It's not so hard to stop. Just make a definite decision. If you not ready to really put your heart AND your mind into quitting then don't stress. .... just try to keep drinking to your planned drinking days and make sure you safe wherever you do drink. It's not the end of the world if you do drink. You will stop when you've had enough pain. That was my experience.
Anyways I enjoy your shares so stick around whatever you decide to do.
Love and light
Noels
PS - not drinking in front of anyone could also be part of the 'fun ' since there's minimum accountability and what we 'hide ' from others ALWAYS have power over us.
There is only Love
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