Judgement & Resentment in Sober Housing

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Judgement & Resentment in Sober Housing

Postby ladyfriend2 » Sat Sep 16, 2017 7:31 am

I'm 33 days sober, -again, and living in a Sober Living House. As my sponsor tells me, I have been blessed with desperation.
Anyone who has lived n such circumstances knows that a Sober Living House ain't sober. Overdoses, drinking relapses, dry unaddressed old behavior and defects are in abundance. I came here because have nowhere else to go right now, and in hope of immersion in AA . On my 4th step, I sit here knowing I am filled with resentment and judgements of all those in the house who have "tested my sobriety" . Dayam, this doesn't feel good! Nor does the guilt I felt for 3 days when I reported my own roommate came home drunk, trashed. Why'd I do such a thing? Because I wanted to join her, because I also didn't want to watch her die as her Dr told her she would, because I had a resentment, but mostly, because I saw my drinking self in her face!
Still, I feel awful. Yet, I am grateful for the glaring reminders of the very real fact that there, but for the grace of God, go I.
But I just might be the Lunatic you're lookin' for!
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Re: Judgement & Resentment in Sober Housing

Postby Brock » Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:42 am

Welcome here ladyfriend, boy oh boy you are having a rough time of it, we don't have many 'regulars' online at present, but I expect you will get words of support and encouragement as the day goes on.

I will only say I feel you had no choice in reporting your roommate, for your own good and hers, try not to blame yourself. Keep the faith, you will look back on this one day and laugh, but I know at present it wouldn't seem so.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Judgement & Resentment in Sober Housing

Postby positrac » Sat Sep 16, 2017 2:31 pm

I believe the concept of sober living has changed from my early days sober and back then very little tolerance of drinking and drugging as it was a huge hindrance. But you are living in the world now and you have to learn to survive life on life's terms in order to overcome desires. I have to say that I do have feelings and concerns for my fellow human except when it might make me want to use and so I have to separate myself from the insanity.

I hope that you are working toward finding work as that is a good means to keep your mind focused on other stuff. Until you have some fluid means to move I am not sure the best way to keep sane? Your attitude of gratitude may be the best tool you may have.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
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Re: Judgement & Resentment in Sober Housing

Postby RyanjSp » Sat Sep 16, 2017 5:23 pm

You're on Rocky ground right now I'm going to pray for you I hope others on your will pray for you too
"No Ryan, the cake business is over. They will never ever trust you with the cake again."
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Re: Judgement & Resentment in Sober Housing

Postby RyanjSp » Sat Sep 16, 2017 5:51 pm

You could possibly find a gospel Rescue Mission to live in work in and get you a new start but being a woman you might have a tougher time most of them cater to men.
Also there is a heavy culture of your a desperate loser and you should thank them for every minute of their keeping you when you are fully earning your keep
Still it is a possibility and could be entirely what you make of it despite what they try to make of you
"No Ryan, the cake business is over. They will never ever trust you with the cake again."
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Re: Judgement & Resentment in Sober Housing

Postby ladyfriend2 » Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:00 pm

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts. I am a retread, and 62 yr old disabled woman unable to work. I know being here is temporary as I have plans to move from the San Fernando valley to snohomish county in Washington state soon. I just needed a place I could afford while I get some sober time before I move . I live looking forward to the meetings I attend.
But a little part of me dies with every o.d. I see, and every resident I watch be high on whatever. Working on the fourth step is rocking me to my core and it seems for every resentment I write from the past, I recognize a new one pop up in the present.
The person, I resent the most, is me, because of my reactions to my housemates. I resent being resentful.. =confused
But I just might be the Lunatic you're lookin' for!
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Re: Judgement & Resentment in Sober Housing

Postby RyanjSp » Sun Sep 17, 2017 1:18 am

I hope you eventually go on to being and enabled 63 year old woman with a lot of experience strength and Hope to share
"No Ryan, the cake business is over. They will never ever trust you with the cake again."
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Re: Judgement & Resentment in Sober Housing

Postby avaneesh912 » Sun Sep 17, 2017 5:52 am

Why'd I do such a thing? Because I wanted to join her, because I also didn't want to watch her die as her Dr told her she would, because I had a resentment, but mostly, because I saw my drinking self in her face!, Still, I feel awful.


You talked about being desperate. That window of opportunity could be lost if we dont start addressing the issues (un-manageability) you are talking about. The resentments on other people around you. One tip I can share. Forget about the other guys. This is about applying the process and getting out of the hole and then you can give them a hand. That should be the primary goal for every newcomer.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Judgement & Resentment in Sober Housing

Postby bbqking » Sun Sep 17, 2017 7:33 am

How could you let go of resentments in that kind of situation?

Understanding, compassion, and healthy boundaries.

Some of the people around you may still be very sick, still in the grips of the disease. You could understand that couldn't you? Having compassion doesn't mean you have to let it slide though - that's where healthy boundaries come in - they are set by the rules of the Sober Living house, either abide by them or don't.

Sometimes people need harsh consequences to consider a different path, and getting kicked out for your roommate may actually help her in a way - could possibly give her the gift of desperation. Compassion though, doesn't mean we have to be angry at this person, because we've been there, we know the overwhelming craving that drove us for so long and is still driving them. Would you be angry with a diabetic because their blood sugar won't remain stable on it's own? She needs help, if you can help her do it, if you can't right now, that's ok too, but don't feel bad about protecting yourself and setting healthy boundaries.

Remember it wasn't personal, she wasn't out to get you or trying to hurt you. She was just trying to survive - but unfortunately in her mind alcohol was still the solution to her problems.

I have also lived in a Sober Living, in some respects it was great, in other respects not so much, it depends a lot on the people you're living with. Look at it as a time to work on yourself and help others if you can. There are some very good people in sober living.
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Re: Judgement & Resentment in Sober Housing

Postby kdub720 » Sun Sep 17, 2017 3:21 pm

gol darn,
That sounds so rough, when I hit the sobriety scene I had family support. I can only imaging how hard it is being in an environment like that. Sounds like your being tough and strong. Reporting is not a worry because it is against the principals of the facility and directly affects your recovery. I commend your effort and strength. Maybe God placed you there to be a positive influence on other residence. Like we do, give your worries to God as we are not in control. Bless you as this sounds very difficult.
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Re: Judgement & Resentment in Sober Housing

Postby Patsy© » Tue Sep 19, 2017 3:27 am

ladyfriend2 wrote:I'm 33 days sober, -again, and living in a Sober Living House. As my sponsor tells me, I have been blessed with desperation.
Anyone who has lived n such circumstances knows that a Sober Living House ain't sober. Overdoses, drinking relapses, dry unaddressed old behavior and defects are in abundance. I came here because have nowhere else to go right now, and in hope of immersion in AA . On my 4th step, I sit here knowing I am filled with resentment and judgements of all those in the house who have "tested my sobriety" . Dayam, this doesn't feel good! Nor does the guilt I felt for 3 days when I reported my own roommate came home drunk, trashed. Why'd I do such a thing? Because I wanted to join her, because I also didn't want to watch her die as her Dr told her she would, because I had a resentment, but mostly, because I saw my drinking self in her face!
Still, I feel awful. Yet, I am grateful for the glaring reminders of the very real fact that there, but for the grace of God, go I.


Hi Ladyfriend, and congratulations on 33 days sober....Way To Go!

I am going to strongly suggest that you take the focus off those people in the Soberhouse, and put the focus on the only thing you can doing anything about....you and your own recovery. We have no control over what others do or don't do, think, or say....but we sure do have control over what we do or don't do, think or say.

I would also suggest to begin reaching out to newcomers at the AA meetings you attend, and pass on what was passed to you. You have 3 wonderful AA steps that you can share your own experience, strength and hope with a newcomer,.... and it is You who will walk away sober, whether they do or not! ..... Stay in this one day and Remember where you came from and Be Grateful that you are not drinking...Today.

Make a gratitude list, and read it every morning before your Prayers and begin the day. Add to it, because there are many many things that you have to grateful for. A roof over your head, a bed, food in your stomach and most of all..... Your Sobriety and Recovery. A grateful heart will never drink.

I am a drunk who's life became a haze of booze, I lived to get that next drink and I tried everything I knew to stay sober on my own, and I did that for years. The shame of waking up every morning full of remorse and guilt because I was out drunk the night before and once again I had lost the ability to choose to Not Drink.

My life was full of fear, doubt, insecurity, pain, misery, and feeling completely lost. I was anxious, irritable and discontent on a daily basis until I could get what I needed to get at any price.... A Drink. I became the mother that I never ever wanted to be, I wasn't able to be a sister, a friend, a neighbor, a worker, a co-worker. Yes, I was on the verge of dying and to honest with you.....near the end of my drinking, I wished for death on a daily basis. I knew what the Four Horsemen were all about, I felt that Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration and despair ...daily.

My heart is full of gratitude that I do not have to live like that anymore and the choice...is mine...with the help of AA, the 12 steps and all those wonderful AA members who reached out to help me, when I couldn't help myself.

So Ladyfriend....remember, you are a woman of honor and dignity, pass on what was passed to you...that will help you to keep the focus on your own Recovery, and off the behavior at the Sober House, one step at a time, one day at a time.
Failed 12 Step Call? Not if we walk away sober!
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Re: Judgement & Resentment in Sober Housing

Postby ladyfriend2 » Tue Sep 19, 2017 6:06 am

WoW! Yup, every one of you who took the time to respond here have hit my Wow Bone. Thank you so much. I'm a retread and have noticed something different in me this time(well several different things so far); I take every suggestion, every description, from the AA fellowship and program ~seriously~. As a result, life on life's terms is no longer a burden, challenging yes, but the direction I receive gives me new hope each day and sleepless nights are nearly a thing of the past.
I know I'm alive today because of AA. I'm praying for those who bring resentments in me in the house I live in, and am coming to understand that sobriety means sometimes doing the difficult thing I never did in the past, I am not a snitch, I am following house rules (if you dont report such, you may be subject to the same consequences as the one reported), and what I must do for my own soberself.
Thank you ALL,for your wisdom.
But I just might be the Lunatic you're lookin' for!
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Re: Judgement & Resentment in Sober Housing

Postby Roberth » Tue Sep 19, 2017 9:05 am

Hello ladyfriend2, my name is Robert and I am a Los Angeles area alcoholic. I started my road to recovery at the Hole in the Sky group in the SFV some 25 years ago. I still have many friends in the Valley. If you would like I could put you in touch with some of the women in your area who have long term sobriety. just send me a PVT message and I will make some calls.
Robert
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in pretty, well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming WOW What a ride!!!!
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