I just wrote on this in our Daily Reflections Forum!Swcoding wrote:"Sometimes they
hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably
find that at some time in the past we have made decisions
based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt." Pg 62 What is the context here? Is AA saying that no matter what hurt happens in life we caused it? Let's say I was abandoned as a child and I remember being furious over it. I was hurt, but how did I place myself in that position?
I was a victim/I am a survivor of Domestic Violence and worse. I know others with horrific life stories that have made it through the program. I love page 63-64: "We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms.... God save me from being angry." I like those kind of short prayers that I can blurt out into the Universe to remind myself that being angry just makes ME sick. Certainly I have a right to be angry - a crime was committed against me. The word EXCEPTIONS appears 11 times in our literature and I like to follow my my short prayer with a reminder that appears on page 90 of the 12 & 12 "Can't we be properly angry...? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions." I have found they ARE dangerous and I have a deadly disease! I am NOT qualified to handle my anger, not even my proper anger.If I was to write a book and tell you what really happened, would mentioning their part be blaming? I don't think so. I think I can tell the whole story and still be responsible for my part. My sponsor once said, "Sometimes people are jerks" and we know the Big Book (pg 66) tells us that "... that this world and its people were often quite wrong." Sometimes the story is horrific... sometimes it is a broken weed-eater. I have to get honest and find the Truth in my inventory. I need to shear away all the fantasy that my mind made up and get to the Facts.
NOW I can read further on page 66...
"To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got ..." Now I need to DO more. I need to forgive (not necessarily forget) and that is going to take some time and practice. So in the meantime I have to "set aside" the parts that others played in my story and set my backbone straight. I need to find my part. Sometimes that too is hard and I have had to "set aside" that endeavor for a later time; I may need to grow in willingness & maybe discuss it with my sponsor at length.
Then once I have my willingness and I have my facts about myself, THEN I can go to the other person in full sincerity and ask "What can I do to set things right with you?". I do this several times in several formats; writing, face to face, over the phone and through prayer. I practice living amends. I learn, and come to Know, the best practices. Then..."Then one day, I look, I admit, I accept. The freedom... I experience is in the looking, admitting and accepting.
I learn to say, "Yes, I am responsible." (Daily Reflection quote)
Once I am properly armed with the facts about myself, I become more understanding and effective. No Promises that life will be a new shiny toy... no, I think it will likely not be ~ but I will be able to help others. That is my real Life Purpose. And I remain willing and teachable.
Best for ME if I just write it off. I don't want to give them any more time or space in my head. I can practice NOT feeding my anger. I wrote about in the 4th Step and talked about it in Steps 5 & 8. I do not have to go to my abuser to effect my 9th Step amends - that too might put me in danger. No child is bad. No woman needs to be hit. They were wrong ~ Now what? Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? I can't have both - because I have tried that already and it does not work! You can try, but it is really dangerous.
BTW - if you wish to talk to a survivor of child abuse, I can set you up with a guy who has successfully recovered in AA who has had such an experience.