Couples in recovery

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Couples in recovery

Postby jolee246 » Fri Aug 18, 2017 8:42 am

Hi Everyone,

I've been popping in and out of this forum, mostly reading however I am now finding recovery more difficult than when I started. I'm nearly five months sober and I have been working through the steps with an amazing sponsor. However my problem at the moment is this.

My partner, we are together more than four years is also in recovery and has been for the last five months also. He has a sponsor but has not started on the steps. He is very sceptical about a Higher Power.Lately however he is questioning whether he really is an alcoholic (a symptom of the disease I know). He talks about going back to try drinking just to make sure. This scares the life out of me for many reasons. I can already see the dynamic of the relationship change. I'm about to embark on step four which is bringing up a lot of painful stuff for me, meanwhile he is still wandering around in acceptance. I'm totally resentful of this and I worry about what it might do to our relationship if he takes up a drink. I'm trying to be supportive but sometimes I get impatient and want to shout "just make up your mind already" but I don't. I just tell him it's his choice but he has to be prepared for the consequences.

Because of the pain of step 4 my mood has been very low and I am worried he will tire of this and leave. I don't know if the relationship will survive if he chooses to drink again. I'm trying to hand it over to my HP knowing I have no real control over how the relationship will go but I fear that my HP thinks he is not the one for me. It has never ever been a difficult relationship until now.

If there are any AA couples out there I would love to hear from you.
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Re: Couples in recovery

Postby Roberth » Fri Aug 18, 2017 9:00 am

Hello Jolee. My name is Robert and I am a Los Angeles area alcoholic......I would seriously consider checking out my local Alanon group. At best relationships are hard and require a lot of commutation. Alanon can help you live with an alcoholic whether that be him or yourself.
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Re: Couples in recovery

Postby Spirit Flower » Fri Aug 18, 2017 9:53 am

Quit projecting outcomes.
Live one day at a time.
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Re: Couples in recovery

Postby Brock » Fri Aug 18, 2017 11:48 am

It takes time to do what Spirit Flower recommends, but it really is the answer. When you say - “I'm trying to hand it over to my HP knowing I have no real control over how the relationship will go but I fear that my HP thinks he is not the one for me.” That's the right thing to do, the trying to hand over and knowing you have no real control on the outcome, just do what you think best.

But the second part the fear of what you think your HP will decide, to stop imagining what we feel will happen is not easy. I still sometimes have imaginary meetings in my head, this and this will probably happen, then I will do X & Y, tell so and so he is a fool. Then the actual meeting takes place and so and so says and does none of the things I imagined, says all sorts of good things and shakes my hand, then I feel like the fool. Mainly for not trusting in the wisdom of my HP, it's a road we are traveling, not easy all the time, but more than worth the little bumps and hurdles.
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Re: Couples in recovery

Postby Db1105 » Sat Aug 19, 2017 4:05 am

I second the suggestion that you reach out to your local AlAnon Groups in your area. The only person we can change is ourselves.
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Re: Couples in recovery

Postby jolee246 » Sat Aug 19, 2017 11:22 am

Thank you for all your help. I have considered Al-Anon and spoke to some of my fellow AA members about it today. I'm in a very rural area in Ireland so I will have to see if I can fit it in along with my own meetings but thank you.

It has been very difficult to live and think in the day, despite all efforts to try to do so. Over thinking is one of my character defects. Thank you Brock for your reassurance.

I wish you all a sober and peaceful day or night, wherever you are.

Thanks
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Re: Couples in recovery

Postby Cristy99 » Mon Aug 21, 2017 1:00 pm

I remember my early recovery. And now I am laughing at myself because reading that first sentence makes it look like I have been in recovery for a long time. I'm just a baby, 14 months sober. But I remember the paralyzing fear of being alone. It was actually that fear that brought me to AA in the first place as an ultimatum from my beloved boyfriend. I don't know why I feared being alone so much, but I do know it was, and still is, a big part of my illness...a huge character defect I am working on. The boyfriend and I are now married. We work the program together. He is not an alcoholic. He used to be a problem drinker and now maintains a desire not to drink again, thus is a member of AA. I cannot imagine better "couples counseling" than working the program together.

With that said, I realize your situation is very different. What I can offer is that I HAVE grown in the program. My relationship with my HP is a million times stronger than ever before in my life. TODAY, if things were to go south with my new husband, I know that I would be ok....by myself. That is huge for me. I have learned that my value, happiness, and peace lies with my HP, not in a human relationship. I don't know if your biggest fear is being alone like mine was, but if that is it, I can offer hope that as your relationship with your HP grows, you're ability to "be OK" with any situation also grows.

Keep your chin up friend!!
"Talk doesn't cook rice."
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Re: Couples in recovery

Postby Cristy99 » Mon Aug 21, 2017 1:04 pm

One more thing:
Regarding the posts about Al-Anon...I have been reading some Al-anon literature and it is blowing my mind!!! Very good stuff that is revealing issues and solutions to issues that I didn't even know I had.
"Talk doesn't cook rice."
~ Chinese proverb
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