Lied to my sponsor.. big time

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Lied to my sponsor.. big time

Postby Spazoid218 » Sun Jul 30, 2017 8:42 pm

Hi there. I have over a year of sobriety but I have a serious problem. I've been dating my ex for about 10 months of it. My sponsor found out today. I kept it from her because he still drinks, and one of the reasons I told my sponsor I got sober. I kept it from her. Evans's it wasn't supposed to get serious again. No excuses. I should have told her. She said she wasn't mad, but that she thought our relationship was beyond secrets. I know she's hurting and I am too. I feel Shane and guilt and sadness. She said she wants to continue being my sponsor, but I guess I am looking for where we go from here. Do I suggest we rework my steps? Take it from the beginning all over agin, as if I have no time? Do I pretend like nothing is different? I am in so much pain and indeserve it, but I want to make sure that I'm doing what is best. I'm so lost. Any direction would be helpful. Thank you
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Re: Lied to my sponsor.. big time

Postby Brock » Mon Jul 31, 2017 5:49 am

Welcome to e-AA.

I think some of the questions are difficult to answer, because not everyone has the same relationship with their sponsor. But the question of starting the steps as if you have no time, I certainly can't see where that is necessary or a good idea in any way, that is usually only recommended when someone has a slip. The fact that you were successful in your sobriety, seems to suggest that your ex wasn't the main cause of your problems, and once you are well grounded in your sobriety now, should not be a problem going forward. But since it was a problem in the past you know the possible danger, and if it starts to affect your sobriety in the future you can take action.

It's understandable that you feel badly, as far as I know the program 'suggests' no new relationships in the first year, alcoholics love to rationalize things, but I would suggest your ex is not quite the same as a new relationship. And when we do discuss sponsorship here from time to time, we get some who feel the sponsors only job is to show us how they did the steps, and we don't share much of our personal life with them. Others have more personal sharing with their sponsor as you seem to have, and so you feel badly about not telling her.

As I see it you are sorry you didn't tell her, she want's to move on and put this behind you both, and that is exactly what you do. We all make mistakes, and if a sponsor can't forgive mistakes then they may not be much of a sponsor to start with. Forgive yourself for this small error, and just continue to grow in sobriety and spirituality, best of luck to you and your sponsor.
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Re: Lied to my sponsor.. big time

Postby Duke » Mon Jul 31, 2017 5:53 am

I've had more than one sponsee keep things like this from me. I appreciate your willingness to take responsibility for not being honest, but we wouldn't be much good as sponsors if we weren't willing to accept stuff like this without judgment or criticism. The thing I always tell those I'm working with is, we always start from where we are. The key is to let the guilt go, and focus on how you're going to work your program today. I'm sure your sponsor is happy to continue to be a part of your journey.

I also want you to know how much I appreciate you sharing this. I have a fellow I'm working with who has had multiple relationship regressions. I'm just glad he keeps coming back. Good luck to you.
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Re: Lied to my sponsor.. big time

Postby PaigeB » Mon Jul 31, 2017 6:59 am

NO ONE deserves pain. We are not saints, nor will we ever be.
Do I suggest we rework my steps? Take it from the beginning all over agin, as if I have no time? Do I pretend like nothing is different?

I would say you might do a specific 1, 2 & 3 on the way we alcoholics lie. Cause we ALL lie. Why did you lie? And NO WAY do you pretend nothing happened, you remember this lesson and learn from it.

Keeping secrets keeps us sick. I am glad you didn't drink. Get your side of the fence cleaned up and move forward ASAP. Find another alcoholic woman to help. Please know that page 124 is what helped me through:

Cling to the thought that in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them.

You don't have to search out the woman who will need to hear your story, God will put them in your path. And you may never know that you helped them - such is the anonymity of this program. It is how I was helped. Just people telling what honestly happened, what it was like & what it is like now.

Congrats on 1 year - get to work quickly! :-)
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Lied to my sponsor.. big time

Postby Roberth » Mon Jul 31, 2017 11:46 am

Hello Spazoid and welcome to E-AA. My name is Robert and I am a Los Angeles area alcoholic. Wouldn’t acting like nothing happened just be lying to yourself? I would make the amends and move forward. Knowing the amends is not just saying I am sorry but trying to set it straight what I did to the person. The willingness change my behavior is all so part of my amends process. I find it works better that trying to ignore something.
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Re: Lied to my sponsor.. big time

Postby positrac » Tue Aug 01, 2017 2:47 am

You made a mistake and now you are at a crossroads of the right thing to do or what feels good. If you take your sobriety serious and it means the world to you then you might need to change the People---in the place and things category to keep your mental sobriety up to speed with your physical sobriety. Easier said than done and hence crossroads. I see where the ex is simple, no expectations and you know what the deal is and if he is still drinking it is like putting your hand in boiling water because you know what to expect!!!! We drunks and humans in general do the damnedest things in our lives.

Not the end of the world and the ball is in your court on the next decision.
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Re: Lied to my sponsor.. big time

Postby kdub720 » Wed Aug 02, 2017 10:18 am

This is great, By no means should you feel pain, you did not drink, you have been sober, do not feel ashamed. I have had overbearing sponsors, and it does not work. I like my sponsor to support me unconditionally, if they can not , they should not be a sponsor. I have never offored to be a sponsor, yet have mentored many into thinking about their decisions and why. I would never judge them or expect them to share intimate details of their lives. I think some folks take the sponsorship thing too far. I am accountable to God, myself, my family and my friends first sponsor last. I had a sponsor, I was and have been sober for some time, and he said I called you and that I never called back, he did not leave a message so I did not call back. He acted like a needy girlfriend "why did you not call me back." A sponsor should be there for you not you be there for them. I think sponsors need to be vetted through AA and not just be people who want to be a sponsor. Great topic and something I have had to deal with as well. My partner still drinks from time to time, and it is ok with me, she can handle it, and I cant. No big deal.
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Re: Lied to my sponsor.. big time

Postby Blue Moon » Wed Aug 02, 2017 5:42 pm

You don't take it from the beginning as if you have no time, but you don't pretend nothing is different either. Something is different. I suggest you work a 4th and 5th over why you felt the need to keep something secret. Find out and admit what you were really afraid of.
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Re: Lied to my sponsor.. big time

Postby Wiganman » Sun Aug 06, 2017 7:36 am

kdub720 wrote:A sponsor should be there for you not you be there for them. I think sponsors need to be vetted through AA and not just be people who want to be a sponsor.

Sponsorship is one of the greatest gifts in AA. Its very simple, a more experienced member passes on their experience, strength and hope onto a newer member and guides them through the 12 steps. Its up to each AA to vet their own sponsor - choose someone who has good sobriety (not necessarily in length of time), someone who shares about the solution and how they have put the 12 steps into practice to improve their life. I applaud anyone who wants to be a sponsor. They are giving their time freely to help another alcoholic. In my home group it is actively encouraged.
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