Resentment

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Resentment

Postby KathyAnne » Sat Jul 22, 2017 2:10 am

Hi, I'm troubled about my resentment & cant seem to let it go. Yes I have spoken to sponser. There is a women in our group who is super friendly & over the top. She moved here 3 yrs ago & I offered the hand of fellowship as she never spoke and seemed alone. She asked me to sponser her which I did she'd been sober for 19 yrs and never having done the steps she wouldn't do step 4 and dropped me. We have been fine no issues she went on to find someone to do the steps with apparently,
My problem is she's so false I resent her as I find I can't be myself with her, if I am she's constantly asking 'are you alright' what's wrong blah blah and even text me to see if I'm ok. I'm very close to saying your false stop putting a front on, but I wouldn't do that as I wouldn't want to hurt her, I just find her so toxic I go out of my way to avoid her, she kisses everyone and makes a big fuss over nothing it makes me feel ill. I'm working on feeling compassion for her, when she is alone one to one she's a lot better she's a chronic people pleaser, she has said that herself but I allow her behaviour to effect me and I become all false then get cross with myself for doing it!
Thanks for reading.
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Re: Resentment

Postby desypete » Sat Jul 22, 2017 7:55 am

when i see someone in aa i dont like it was mostly because they reminded me of me !!!

there are plenty of people i dont like in aa, and if i let my mind go on it i could hate them and then want to do them all sorts of harm or wish them to fall flat on there face as that would teach them ?

however i have had to learn to let those people be just who they are and how they are right at this very moment in time, its got bugger all to do with me how they are, if they want to be false that is ok so long as there sober there in with a chance of one day getting to wake up a bit

this illness is like a being in fog and slowly for some ( me )the fog starts to lift, but while we are still in the fog we will still cling on to our old ways of living

when i look back and see myself how i was almost 12 years ago and to how i am today well i was totally nuts compared with only being mildy nuts today, but along that journey i have had to grow and learn to stop being the way i was bit by bit

the pain of living the wrong way is a hard way to live and hopefully we all give in and learn the easy way of living yet its so complicated lol

i could go on and on here like i always do and get told off for it lol

but for once i will shut up

when i was first trying to work my 12th step i had to go around the rooms of aa looking for new comers or anyone who sounded like there not having a good day and just say hello to them see if they wanted a bit of time ?
i didnt feel right doing it and it was fake of me trying to show interest in others but what i found out was when i did it i felt so much better about myself and i would do it more
i soon forgot about how fake it was of me as it started to become a new habit and today i do care for real about others

anyway i promised i would shut up so i will now lol
have a good day and enjoy your day
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Re: Resentment

Postby Brock » Sat Jul 22, 2017 8:48 am

In our literature there are many references to alcoholics being like actors, like this from into action in the big book - “More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it.”

Like you I am put off by a particular person at a meeting I attend, and I haven't found it easy to get over. When we read uplifting or spiritual type literature we often see suggestions to avoid toxic or arrogant people. The well known poem Desiderata, which was a popular recording, has a line - “Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.” Then we come to AA and they say accept everybody, don't avoid them, kind of confusing.

To me it's all a bunch of egos in conflict sometimes, and it's easy to see acting in others but more difficult to see it in ourselves, by you saying you notice when you get false, that to me is one of the keys to a happy life. If I can see it I can do something about it, many seem to just act out their lives, and I am certain the happiest persons are as close to living as if nobody is watching as possible.

What has helped me get a better understanding is some of the writing of Eckart Tolle, one of his books 'A New Earth' which is available free on Google pdf, the first half or so of it is all about ego. I have read that maybe three or four times, and still will do so again every few months, not that easy to read not a novel, but a bit each day is fine. It took me a while to understand, but when I did, resentments like these became easier to handle. He sort of convinced me that's it my own ego hanging on to the resentment, that it actually likes punishing me by going back to my problems with this person or that.

You certainly are not alone in feeling things like this, and when we find the solution we realize it was a good thing that person came along, yes they cause us to suffer a bit by their actions, but that leads us to look for the solution and a happier life all round, best of luck with this.
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Re: Resentment

Postby Mary » Sat Jul 22, 2017 9:13 am

You actually have a really great opportunity to deal directly with a character defect...since you know you are being false, I'm imagining what you may be doing is mirroring her behaviour to at least perhaps a small degree - you could use the next occasion to NOT do that, which may at first seem hard for people pleasing alcoholics but once it's done and you feel and see the positive consequences, chances are you'll find it easier to keep doing it. There was a woman who used to really annoy me - loud, phoney and vexatious - I allowed her to drain my energy ...I eventually decided to meet her big over the top smile with a more modest one, speak in a low voice to her loud OTT one and keep the conversation curt, I was also determinedly straight in the face of her cajoling humour (which was never funny to me).
Making the decision to do that for the first time was all it took for me to keep doing it. I no longer allowed her to drain my energy and she was out from under my skin. I suspect I am under her skin now.
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Re: Resentment

Postby Duke » Sat Jul 22, 2017 10:11 am

I always figure there's a reason when the people that push my emotional defects buttons keep popping up in my face.

There's a particular fellow in one of my groups that insists I'm his telephone and email sponsor (whatever that means), who is not one of my favorite people to be around. He asks questions and doesn't wait for answers, and can talk for extended periods non stop.

But, when he calls, I take it unless I'm truly busy. He says it helps him. That's enough for me to practice patience and turn it over.

Good luck to you.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa
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Re: Resentment

Postby ezdzit247 » Sat Jul 22, 2017 4:30 pm

Hi KathyAnn

Early on in sobriety I read a popular self-help book that was being passed around among AA members entitled "Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am" by John Powell. He talks about the causes of problems in our relationships and interactions with other people and offers some very helpful insights. One of the things he said was that when we are able to understand obnoxious behavior it becomes easier to forgive. Another was that all obnoxious human behavior is rooted in an unsuccessful search for self-esteem. Embracing that idea helped me to become less judgmental and more forgiving in my relationships and interactions with less "likable" AA members in the rooms. They didn't change but when I became willing to change my attitude towards them, my resentments melted and I got a lot more comfortable with me.
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Re: Resentment

Postby avaneesh912 » Sun Jul 23, 2017 8:16 am

My problem is she's so false


That is the problem. There are set prayers to overcome resentments.

First the 3rd step proposition. And then the 4th step prayer on how to deal with it. We can always say something politely and again, you are dealing with another persons conception. Thats were I fail and so does many of us. The one guy who always talks about the same crap in every beginners meeting at the old home group: The good orderly direction guy! But there is one statements he also adds to the same rant. We can tell an Alcoholic, but just that we can't tell much. There is some much truth to that statement.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Resentment

Postby PaigeB » Sun Jul 23, 2017 10:12 am

Page 67 of the Big Book...
Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.

I like the short version for an "in the moment" pang of dis-ease... "God save me from being angry."
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Resentment

Postby tomsteve » Sun Jul 23, 2017 11:00 am

seems theres something in the big book about this:
The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way.

....if the rest of the world would only behave


This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom

We were now at Step Three.
Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning,



theres more in the BB on the solution.
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Re: Resentment

Postby KathyAnne » Thu Jul 27, 2017 2:41 am

Thankyou everybody for you help & suggestios.
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Re: Resentment

Postby kdub720 » Mon Jul 31, 2017 9:47 pm

Great shares everyone. THis is a big topic, Not just in aa groups, but in life. All people who act like this have hurt inside they are hiding. Compassion and patience will alway serve you well and time will allow things to work out. Great thinker today.
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Re: Resentment

Postby Noels » Tue Aug 01, 2017 4:24 am

KathyAnne wrote:Hi, I'm troubled about my resentment & cant seem to let it go. Yes I have spoken to sponser. There is a women in our group who is super friendly & over the top. She moved here 3 yrs ago & I offered the hand of fellowship as she never spoke and seemed alone. She asked me to sponser her which I did she'd been sober for 19 yrs and never having done the steps she wouldn't do step 4 and dropped me. We have been fine no issues she went on to find someone to do the steps with apparently,
My problem is she's so false I resent her as I find I can't be myself with her, if I am she's constantly asking 'are you alright' what's wrong blah blah and even text me to see if I'm ok. I'm very close to saying your false stop putting a front on, but I wouldn't do that as I wouldn't want to hurt her, I just find her so toxic I go out of my way to avoid her, she kisses everyone and makes a big fuss over nothing it makes me feel ill. I'm working on feeling compassion for her, when she is alone one to one she's a lot better she's a chronic people pleaser, she has said that herself but I allow her behaviour to effect me and I become all false then get cross with myself for doing it!
Thanks for reading.


Hi KathyAnne and welcome to e-aa :D I'm quite a bit like this "unlikeable person" you're describing in the sense that I truly care about others. I'm also a generally happy person and it takes quite a bit to really "piss me off". Once that happens I'm pretty straight forward, say what I want to say but then it blows over just as fast. That's the beauty of having a personality like mine - and possibly the same with this lady you're talking about --- I don't get stuck with resentments as often as others in the fellowship and world seem to do :D For me its also really not about "people pleasing" anymore. Its genuine love, care and affection for another human being.

Anyways, what ive learned in the rooms of AA as well as our Big Book is that if something is bothering me it is something I myself should look at inside of me ....... - and I quote the particular section I'm referring to

:"My problem is she's so false I resent her as I find I can't be myself with her, if I am she's constantly asking 'are you alright' what's wrong blah blah and even text me to see if I'm ok. I'm very close to saying your false stop putting a front on, but I wouldn't do that as I wouldn't want to hurt her, I just find her so toxic I go out of my way to avoid her, she kisses everyone and makes a big fuss over nothing it makes me feel ill."
-

you will clearly see that the problem is not the other person's but yours. You say so yourself in your words "I find I cant be myself", "I'm very close to", "I wouldn't want to", I just find her", "I go out of my way", and "it makes ME feel ill".

It seems to me the other lady is simply just a happy person who cares about others, doing her own thing and being herself.

May I suggest you rather stop looking at what's wrong with "her" and start looking at why YOU are so affected by her behavior? A very wise person told me right at the beginning when I joined this forum that the alcoholic's "problem" is usually a fear of being abandoned AS WELL AS lack of self-esteem/confidence. Needless to say I didn't believe it but I have found that to be true for me from working the 12 step program with a really good, kind, patient and loving sponsor.

Good luck and please feel free to ask any further questions. We will do our utmost to be honest and assist you to the best of our ability.

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Re: Resentment

Postby Brock » Tue Aug 01, 2017 5:51 am

I respect what Noels is saying, that there may well be genuine love everybody smiley smiley people, who are not acting but are like that all the time. But I know there are many actors as well, a member of my family is one, and I witness it first hand often. These are people who believe it's OK to speak to the janitor, in a different way they speak to the manager, in social gatherings they can be seen posing around, looking to be seen with the most 'important' people. In my post near the top of this thread I mentioned the book 'A New Earth,' it's all about identifying with the mind, the ego, and these folks do that to a great extent, here's a short quote from the book -
Most people are alienated from who they are, and some are alienated to such a degree that the way they behave and interact is recognized as “phony” by almost everyone, except those who are equally phony, equally alienated from who they are.

I will agree that the AA program has tools to help us accept such people, even to try to help them, and we can learn from doing these things. But in many spiritual writings, including the poem I quoted, it says simply avoid them. My life, and I expect most others, has daily opportunities to practice the principles of AA, I would also be disappointed just like Kathy, if someone who claims nineteen years of sobriety, starts attending my home group and tests my patience like this, the program is about humility and learning to be ourselves, and after this many years she should be doing that. Of course someone might say how do we know she is not like that all the time, we don't, but what is described as “super friendly & over the top,” sounds like an act to me, especially if it's done at every meeting.
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Re: Resentment

Postby Mary » Tue Aug 01, 2017 7:58 am

It is certainly true that when we are disturbed, the disturbance is in us and this needs to be addressed but also in order to function in the world we need to make judgements about other people too and if being around them is good for us or detrimental. The key is to not get hung up about them in gratuitous character assassination...that is just toxic to ourselves.

The language of the heart goes to the heart and phoniness sets off another kind of alarm. There are people who I simply don't believe no matter how much they present themselves as being all love and light.
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Re: Resentment

Postby Noels » Tue Aug 01, 2017 9:01 am

Although I agree with both Brock and Mary I still say that it is not up to us to judge. You are quite right in that we are not all going to like each other and that is OK. However, my personal experience is that I don't need to like someone to be decent to that person. How I react to someone is and will always be MY CHOICE. I have had many encounters where someone deliberately do harm to me -never mind just irritating me in a "loving manner" - to the extent that it became malicious and personal attacks and although I requested that person / persons on numerous occasions to please just leave me alone and let me be - the malicious behavior continued. To this day, however, I remained true to myself and refrained from talking bad or gossiping about that person behind her / his / their backs. This is something I not only learned in AA but in the household I grew up in. The choice has and always will be mine on how to react to a person, place, thing or situation and as Duke always say - the best action to take is the next LOVING ACTION available to me in that particular moment / instance to the best of my ability.

Talking behind someone's back / gossiping about someone is simply not on since that person is not in the conversation / discussion to defend her / himself and is to me more a refection on the person doing the "back talking / gossiping" than the person being discussed.

In my humble opinion, If KathyAnn or anyone for that matter have a "problem or issue" with another person the easier way to ensure both parties get clarity on the situation would be to address the issue with the person concerned directly. That would HELP the other person if she is unknowingly doing something that irritates KathyAnn by making her aware of it and giving her the opportunity to either change her behavior or to avoid KathyAnn from thereon if she disagrees with her. Perhaps this person is indeed true to her nature and if not, she will know to avoid further interaction with KathyAnn. Secondly, KathyAnn will have no resentments since the "cause" of the resentment have been removed immediately by discussing it WITH THE CORRECT PERSON whereas right now KathyAnn is harming herself by not addressing the "problem or issue" direct?

In life there are white, black and some grey areas as far as I am concerned BUT .... honesty and common human decency does not fall under the "grey matter". One is either honest and decent or one is not.

This topic also brings to mind a quote I read the other day saying .... "Don't tell me what others said about me. Rather tell me why they felt so comfortable with you to tell you these things about me ..."

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