I DONT FIT IN

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I DONT FIT IN

Postby mari15 » Sat Jun 03, 2017 6:51 pm

Ok im about to explode. Im going to AA ive been going for 5 months but have been sober for 2 weeks. Ive never felt i fit in, and THIS IS HARD because AA is my last option or I just go back to my old ways, end up in the hospital or dead. I try to approach people, I know ive got my things and im an "odd" person, but its always me approaching and i feel like a fake and cant do it anymore and they dont reach out to me, and i see others talking so easily with each other and going out, I really dont know what to do. Im kinda shy, maybe I come off as a mean person, but i dont mean to. My sponsor used to always check up on me, and since my last relapse she saw me very vulnerable and i opened up but she pulled away, i think i scared her. So now it just makes me want to stop showing vulnerability and keep to myself because i dont want to keep pushing people away.

This is scaring me, i feel extremely lonely I dont know what to do, I dont want to back out, I KNOW i'll end up killing myself, or hospital.
Please help
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Re: I DONT FIT IN

Postby PaigeB » Sun Jun 04, 2017 2:26 am

Mari, I am sorry that I am just now seeing your message. First things first - THERE IS HOPE.

I wanted to kill myself quite often while I was drinking - for a variety of reasons - but mostly because of the thing Bill wrote so profoundly about on page 30 of the Big Book.

Pitiful and Incomprehensible Demoralization - and I didn't know a way out. YOU know a way out - like me, thru AA. We have a solution and it is vastly more than that, it really has been for me! so DON'T GIVE UP! Keep Coming Back!

Now read all of page 30... it says right there what we have to do for our First Step of the 12 Step Program.
"We found we had to concede to our inner-most selves that we are alcoholic" Savor that. Admit that I was alcoholic - I had a disease... to my Inner Most Self... deep down, where the shame lives. I was sick and I needed help. Now what did I want to do about it?

First don't die. That is what your enemy alcohol wants from you - but I swear that AA has hope for all of us who suffer.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

I don't think there is a national AA number, but you can follow the links down to your state or your neighborhood and you will find a local phone number to talk to an alcoholic woman. Or call someone you have met in the program. We want to help, we really do. Call any woman. Get a new sponsor if you think that is necessary. The phone & a woman on the other end saved my life.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
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Re: I DONT FIT IN

Postby Duke » Sun Jun 04, 2017 6:25 am

Hi mari15. Great thoughts from Paige. Please use the link and make the call. There's a person out there willing to listen. I'm certain of that.

I also can identify with your feelings. I can admit I considered the ultimate escape more than once. I felt like I had two heads or that I was from a different planet. Fortunately, I kept coming around and sharing how I felt and it slowly got better. It's hard to open your mouth and admit those things but admission and surrender is the beginning of recovery.

I'm glad you came here. Keep coming back.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa
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Re: I DONT FIT IN

Postby avaneesh912 » Sun Jun 04, 2017 6:45 am

There are some women who will be glad to help you over skype/emails/cell phone.

http://www.e-aa.org/form_sponsors.php use the link to request one.

Remember if you are alcoholic, lack of power is the dilema. This disease will keep you going back to alcohol no matter what. There is a viral video of a guy carrying his beer jug, even when fleeing the recent terrorist attack. Thats not something to be proud off, but thats what alcoholics do.

So, where do we get this power? By working the reminder of the 12 steps. Take action.

Regards
Nare
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: I DONT FIT IN

Postby Spirit Flower » Sun Jun 04, 2017 9:54 am

I don't fit in with the little cliques at the AA club; and I don't want to. If I did, I suppose I'd have to stop being me and be more like them. I prefer being me. I got to know me by working the steps. But it is also true that the people in the meetings will come to know you as a regular and accept you. You just have to keep coming back.

Open you mouth in the meeting and say you can't stay sober, you need help but are scared of other people.

I do fit in with the content of the meetings and working the steps.
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Re: I DONT FIT IN

Postby JohnDaniels » Sun Jun 04, 2017 10:03 am

mari15 wrote:Ok im about to explode. Im going to AA ive been going for 5 months but have been sober for 2 weeks. Ive never felt i fit in, and THIS IS HARD because AA is my last option or I just go back to my old ways, end up in the hospital or dead. I try to approach people, I know ive got my things and im an "odd" person, but its always me approaching and i feel like a fake and cant do it anymore and they dont reach out to me, and i see others talking so easily with each other and going out, I really dont know what to do. Im kinda shy, maybe I come off as a mean person, but i dont mean to. My sponsor used to always check up on me, and since my last relapse she saw me very vulnerable and i opened up but she pulled away, i think i scared her. So now it just makes me want to stop showing vulnerability and keep to myself because i dont want to keep pushing people away.
rap a person down and let them come so close
This is scaring me, i feel extremely lonely I dont know what to do, I dont want to back out, I KNOW i'll end up killing myself, or hospital.
Please help


Thank you so much Mari15,

Mari, You just gave one of the best inventories I have ever heard in my life.

There is a spot in an old AA Grapevine monthly magazine that goes something like this. Forgive me if I don't get every word correct but I am an old fart - “All A.A. progress can be reckoned in terms of just two words: HUMILITY AND RESPONSIBILITY. Our whole spiritual development can be accurately measured by our degree of adherence to these magnificent standards.
Ever deepening humility, accompanied by an ever-greater willingness to accept and act upon clear-cut obligations—these are truly our touchstones for all growth in the life of the spirit. They hold up to us the very essence of right being and right doing. It is by them that we are able to find and do God’s will.”



Mari, the reason I even mention that is because of the way you have the HUMILITY (The earnest wanting and readiness to ask for help) and the RESPONSIBILITY to open up and trust the folks here to offer you their hearts and their help. Mari, there are allot of wonderful ladies on the forums here with quality time in the program who I believe would love to help you.

I believe we all ought to belong to a Home Group and it ought to be the best Home Group on this planet. It ought to be special to us with a place in our heart.

Mari, please don't go back to where you were. I am seeing something here that could possibly be happening with you. I went thru it also acting out in violence and feeling so out of place and like such an odd ball. Looking around at everyone laughing and smiling and wondering why they didn't come and help me when I was aching so badly, just as you described. I was turning away from them too.
But it got better.

I am wondering if it's 2 things going on here with a bad meetings and am wondering if you may be detoxing.

For me it was what sounds allot like you: When I felt the way you described in your post here, something was happening inside my body that I did not understand. My body was detoxing after a week without drinking and my body was demanding a drink but I was not giving in to it. I was thinking "I do not want to drink but life is SO DAMED PAINFULL!!!". This was happening at the level below my conscience thinking, so I couldn't understand anything like why was I so violent after a week dry and why is life so hard for me to live sober??? Why couldn't I stay sober longer than a week. I couldn't stand it until it was explained to me by my sponsor that my body was demanding a drink and I was not giving in to it. This is our disease known as a "Mental Obsession coupled with a Physical Compulsion" It is part of going thru detoxification.

You and I both know going back to drinking and using means as you said "Death or Hospital" and I totally agree with you. Heck, even our program teaches that going back to drinking will lead to "Death or Insanity". The sad part of this is that most alcoholics trying to get sober and learning to live and I mean really really LIVE, rarely come to really understand the seriousness of this disease the way you already have, and we both know it is a real disease because people die from it.
So you see my dear you already have an advantage within you that comes from the strength of knowing.

Mari, please, stay with us here. You have so much potential, so much to give the next suffering alcoholic and there is a gift and a talent in you. I have a daughter that you remind me of and she was at your stage and she came to and she discovered she is an artist. Today she is a professor at a university over the music department and is a member of an underground rock group where she writes and plays music with lyrics like a modern day Bob Dylan Rebel.

I love alcoholics, especially those new to our program.

You are truly the life blood of the future of AA.

Mari, I need you because without you, there wouldn't be any me.
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Re: I DONT FIT IN

Postby D'oh » Sun Jun 04, 2017 11:08 am

I love alcoholics, especially those new to our program.

You are truly the life blood of the future of AA.

Mari, I need you because without you, there wouldn't be any me.


A Great post. Mari don't give up yet.

I was going to come off as a Tuff Cop, saying something like "Suck it up, the only reason you are feeling that you don't fit in is because you want to fail, and feel it isn't your fault."

Then I remembered how "Fear sobered me for a bit" it was up to me to pick up the tools laid at my feet. Faith being the biggest tool, that replaced the Fear that ruled every part of my life.

I was always the Shiest Person in the room, unless I had a few drinks, then I didn't have the Fear. The thing was, a few drinks always lead to too many drinks, and I would become an A Hole.

Just remember that Everyone in that Room, is there for the same reason you are Mari. They are all just Alcoholics, if this thing works for them, why can't it work for you? Just give it a chance, and be Open Minded. Share a problem and you have half a problem.

Good Luck! You are needed at Meetings, the New Comer is the most important one in the rooms.
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Re: I DONT FIT IN

Postby Blue Moon » Sun Jun 04, 2017 7:46 pm

mari15 wrote:Ok im about to explode. Im going to AA ive been going for 5 months but have been sober for 2 weeks. Ive never felt i fit in, and THIS IS HARD because AA is my last option or I just go back to my old ways, end up in the hospital or dead. I try to approach people, I know ive got my things and im an "odd" person, but its always me approaching and i feel like a fake and cant do it anymore and they dont reach out to me, and i see others talking so easily with each other and going out, I really dont know what to do. Im kinda shy, maybe I come off as a mean person, but i dont mean to. My sponsor used to always check up on me, and since my last relapse she saw me very vulnerable and i opened up but she pulled away, i think i scared her. So now it just makes me want to stop showing vulnerability and keep to myself because i dont want to keep pushing people away.

This is scaring me, i feel extremely lonely I dont know what to do, I dont want to back out, I KNOW i'll end up killing myself, or hospital.
Please help

The next time you go to the meeting, look around. Unless it's a very small, cliquey meeting, you'll probably see a few others dotted around here and there who are not trying to be centre of attention. You may not have noticed us before, but we're always there. All you see are the ones competing for the popularity contest. I'm not here for popularity, I'm here for sobriety. If you stick around long enough, you'll eventually see some of those here for popularity sticking up a hand to say they're "just coming back". They don't have what I want.

In my early days, I would sometimes sit in a meeting and think to myself "none of this lot would care if I was here or not". Yet while that may be true, I needed to realise: they did not need to. The only person in the room who needs to care enough about whether I'm there or not is me.
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Re: I DONT FIT IN

Postby tyg » Sun Jun 04, 2017 9:29 pm

Your message hit my heart. I've gone through that too. These moments come and go but they will always pass! My sponsor used to say, "How uncomfortable are you willing to be to become comfortable?" Being new to sobriety, learning how to live sober, becoming a "part of" and learning how to just "BE" can feel very uncomfortable in the beginning. But it will get better if we keep into action. Just don't give up and keep reaching out to others.

Getting a service position (Coffee maker, greeter, literature person, Greeter) at a meeting or your home group will help a lot. Service helps people get to know you, reach out to you and visa versa. Service is a wonderful tool to get comfortable in the Fellowship and create friendships. Sometimes at meetings when I was a bit early, I would say hello to a few people then get uncomfortable sitting around. So, I would go help greet people coming in the door. Sometimes I was the only greeter...lol But, it gave me something to do until the meeting started. Through Service I became a familiar face and people reached out to me more and more were relationships began to form.

If it weren't For service, I'd probably would have left AA because I was very afraid and uncomfortable for awhile when new. When 7 years sober, I moved to a new State. I had a lot of fears being in a new place and felt uncomfortable in AA where I moved to. Service once again changed this and got me settled in the Fellowship here pretty fast.
~The secret to the AA program is the first three words on page 112~
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Re: I DONT FIT IN

Postby positrac » Mon Jun 05, 2017 2:03 am

mari15 wrote:Ok im about to explode., I know ive got my things and im an "odd" person, but its always me approaching and i feel like a fake and cant do it anymore and they dont reach out to me, and i see others talking so easily with each other and going out, I really dont know what to do. Im kinda shy, maybe I come off as a mean person, but i dont mean to.
Please help



Ok so the real question is did you feel odd and shy and mean when you drank? If not then you are in the right place!

You can't expect your life to transform like it did when you were drinking as change takes time under life's terms. Addiction terms are just that addiction and once it doesn't work anymore then I/we look for a new high.

So if you are pinned to the wall and feel like you have no choice then I have to ask what are you doing to change your situation? I am not being mean, or confrontational as I felt like the lone soul in a full stadium of people and to this day really don't like people and keep to myself and I've been at this lifestyle over 25 years. But my personality is one thing and my desire to drink was another as I have no desire to drink and I do what I need to look out for my sobriety first and foremost.

AA doesn't stand over people with a whip and control everyone's moves and it is about us wanting what others have. Happiness, feeling good in our skin and not feeling remorse about ourselves because we can't do something others can. I am odd, I am weird, I am a jackazz at times and I am sober by the grace of God as I have no capability to maintain sobriety until I wanted more than the desire to stop drinking.

You aren't alone as I am one of those round pegs in the square board and I don't fit and yet it is ok because I look around and none of us fit if the truth be told.


Smile and chin up it is a new day and you can make it happen and don't stop before the miracle happens.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
Hopi Proverb
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Re: I DONT FIT IN

Postby Brock » Mon Jun 05, 2017 7:09 am

We quite often get members who have been in AA a good while, posting here that after they speak in meetings, they feel as if what they said was rubbish, that they made a fool of themselves. We alcoholics can be pretty good at beating ourselves up, and it takes the steps and working the program to help get over that. Also those we sometimes see that seem to be living the life we want, in reality may be just acting that way because they feel it's cool, here's a section from the chapter 'Into Action.'

More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it.

Please believe that the greatest happiness and peace in life comes, when we learn as much as possible to not give a fart what other people think about us. Even those we may feel are the coolest in the world, the singing star so confident on stage, a bag of nerves after asking if they sounded and looked OK, unfortunately the same ones who often fall into drugs and booze to keep up the looking cool act.

The program and particularly the spiritual side of it, helps us get our ego in a healthy place, we are not better than anyone and nobody's better than us. And the time will come when you will see through the act, of many who seem to be the life of the party or of the AA meeting. The person who is not trying to be liked or to look cool, is the coolest one of all, and most importantly the happiest. AA can show you how to become that person, particularly if you put the emphasis where it's meant to be, on the spiritual life.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: I DONT FIT IN

Postby desypete » Mon Jun 05, 2017 8:26 am

thanks for your post

it reminded me of a time i went to a new meeting out of my area, i had been active in aa for some years but was out of my own area so i went to the local meeting, i stood at the door way having a smoke with some others who were there for the meeting, and not one of them spoke to me, no one asked me if i was new or anything, i went into the meeting and again no one spoke to me or asked if i was a new comer ?

the meeting started and the shares took place, the normal banter of how there now changed people was said and there ever so humble rubbish was spouted

then i jumped in and shared and i also made it clear than no one in this meeting had even bothered to ask me if i was a new comer or not ? i was not happy that this is supposed to be aa at the grass roots level and yet not one member could be bothered to check me out.

if i was a new comer i would not of felt i fitted in, infact if i was a new comer i would not of come back to that meeting

so maybe if you tried some other meetings you might find a meeting that has active members who work there 12th step in those meetings

it really does make me cross when people can share how wonderful there lives are now and yet they do nothing to help anyone else, so i wouldnt beat yourself up over not fitting in as its a shame the older wiser member's are not doing there service to help you.

that being said, i can also remember after a while in aa i to would feel like i was on the outside of aa looking in, but the older wiser member's knew there stuff, they got me to get involved in service work in aa, i made the tea at the meeting and i slowly got to feel a part of my home group and then from there i moved on to all the other jobs in the group, then i ended up getting into intetgroup service work, probation liaison and then prison liaison jobs
the prison work was by far the most rewarding job i have ever done as its grass roots level working and it certainly helped me to learn how to start thinking and caring about others
but its all there in the steps and step 12 is one of the most important aspects of recovery there can be. and every memeber of aa should all be active in the fellowship but sadly most dont do anything other than come to aa and preach all about themselves and what there god has given them today ie a meal out with the wife or kids and hallelujah live is wonderful thank you god

not a word about how they have changed and are now more interested in others than themselves etc

anyway as you can tell its a bug bear of mine that i have with certain member's of aa we call it talking the talk without walking the walk

so my suggestion would be to check out as many different meetings as you can and i am sure you will find a meeting that has active members in there
but please dont expect people to do it for you as we are there to help anyone who needs our help but you will have to put the work in also and good luck to you
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Re: I DONT FIT IN

Postby mari15 » Mon Jun 05, 2017 12:52 pm

Thank you evryone for your support. I think its mainly that im still going through detox ive been 2 weeks sober, so i hope it gets better soon. This is hard i really want to just go back and drink and them all this bad feelings will go away but yes in the long term its worse so gotta do this
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Re: I DONT FIT IN

Postby avaneesh912 » Mon Jun 05, 2017 12:59 pm

This is hard i really want to just go back and drink and them all this bad feelings will go away but yes in the long term its worse so gotta do this


I could totally understand the state are in. Thats what the book calls it as obsession of the mind. Try not to heed to the urges. I know its rough. But try to distract yourself. For me it was meetings, listening to lot of speakers from AA. You will see lot of them on youtube.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: I DONT FIT IN

Postby ezdzit247 » Mon Jun 05, 2017 3:13 pm

mari15 wrote:Thank you evryone for your support. I think its mainly that im still going through detox ive been 2 weeks sober, so i hope it gets better soon. This is hard i really want to just go back and drink and them all this bad feelings will go away but yes in the long term its worse so gotta do this


Hi mari15.

It is hard but one day at a time, one meeting at a time, those bad feelings will go away and everything will get better.

You're doing great!

Keep coming back.....
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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