Felt like a moron after my share today

For recovery discussion

Felt like a moron after my share today

Postby duckdog » Wed Apr 26, 2017 10:03 pm

OK. I've got 3.5 months sober and I never share at meetings. I go to at least 7 meetings a week, more when I can. My sponsor has been encouraging me to share since I first got sober but I was resistant for a long time because I just didn't feel like I had much to add.

Last week I made a promise to myself that I would share at least once every 5 meetings. The couple times I have shared I've always felt like my points got kind of lost in translation. Today I felt like things went totally off the rails...

The topic had to do with relationships. It was a small meeting and I could relate so I raised my hand. I began by talking about how my relationship with my significant other started and how on our second date we were followed home, i got in a fight and then shot the guys car when he said he was going to come back and shoot up my house.

I was trying to show just how insane a relationship of two active addicts was. When my significant other testified as the only eye witness to the offense other than myself and the victim the charges against me were reduced. This caused my to go "all in" in the relationship, as this girl literally saved my life I thought, which led to 5 years of us abusing drugs and each other. I gave a few more examples of the insanity in our relationship including literally fighting in the drive way over a food stamp card, etc.

By the time I was done I realized I had put way too much out there. I had gone from the quiet guy in the back to some guy who was rambling about guns, ankle monitors and food stamps. I felt like an idiot..

As soon as the Lord's prayer was over I bee lined to the door. One guy told me he appreciated my share but I thought he probably just felt bad for me.

A part of me never wants to go back to that meeting again yet I know that that's my disease trying to isolate me so that I will drink again. I know I am living in fear and my experience has shown me that when I walk through those feelings I come out on the other side stronger.

I am just totally embarrassed and would appreciate any advice.
duckdog
Forums Newcomer
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Apr 26, 2017 8:52 pm

Re: Felt like a moron after my share today

Postby Peter.H. » Thu Apr 27, 2017 1:14 am

That was a great share, both here and at the meeting.

Advice?! Stay sober and keep sharing.

Just be honest and come from your heart.
Remember, you are at an AA meeting for YOUR OWN RECOVERY, and not for anybody else.
No more people pleasing or glory seeking.
We go to meetings to practice honesty, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, allowance, acceptance and serenity. Not just on others but on ourselves.
Remain gentle to yourself regardless of what your fears tell you.
"...unless this person can experience an entire psyche change there is very little hope of his recovery" - Dr. Silkworth. [Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Ed, p xxix.]
User avatar
Peter.H.
Forums Enthusiast
 
Posts: 173
Joined: Sun Jul 06, 2014 4:18 am

Re: Felt like a moron after my share today

Postby Nellie » Thu Apr 27, 2017 1:45 am

That sounds like a great, and very honest share to me. I don't think you have anything to feel embarrassed about and I'm sure the others in your meeting could relate to your share, if not the exact circumstances. I'm not much of a 'sharer' either, so I totally understand your fears but please believe me when I say that your share WILL have helped someone in the meeting so please don't be put off.
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly".
User avatar
Nellie
Forums Enthusiast
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Wed Nov 25, 2015 12:05 pm
Location: Canada

Re: Felt like a moron after my share today

Postby Mary » Thu Apr 27, 2017 1:53 am

Hey, you are so not alone in feeling vulnerable when you take your first steps in putting yourself out there in a room full of alcoholics. From what you have said, I can see exactly why that guy would truly have appreciated your share. A lot of people, myself included, do a share where they feel they have exposed too much, succumb to the fear and then just kind of crawl back under a stone....keep going, if not just for you, for the others who you will be helping. There's not one charismatic amazing beacon of aa who I haven't felt at times sounded a bit less than their top game. You're just finding your feet.
Mary
Forums Enthusiast
 
Posts: 164
Joined: Wed Nov 27, 2013 5:40 am

Re: Felt like a moron after my share today

Postby positrac » Thu Apr 27, 2017 3:08 am

3.5 months sober is a good milestone and I am sure at some other point in your life while out doing your deal you might of come off like a "moron" and just didn't care because you were drunk/high and so just know you aren't alone and time heals all the gone off the rails stuff.

Share and let it go off the rails as if this keeps you sober then rock on.

have a great day.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
Hopi Proverb
User avatar
positrac
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 1131
Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2014 4:03 am

Re: Felt like a moron after my share today

Postby Noels » Thu Apr 27, 2017 3:12 am

Good morning Dawg and welcome to e-aa :D

Pfew I remember the feeling you describe. Its like you have this brilliant idea that is spot on the subject at hand. That with a few simple words will explain and clarify the point exactly. So you start of and ..... somewhere along the line it just get lost in "words" and you end off thinking .... "huh! whatever I just said doesn't even make sense to me never mind anyone else! And then you think ... "but my idea was great. It was spot on so how did "this" get out there!. And then you immediately feel like you've screwed up and the positive idea and action turns into a negative re-action for yourself ...

Ive been there. Heck it still happens and i'll be very honest with you - I am 19 months sober and I have shared a very small part of my story only once in a meeting. The how it was - what happened and how it is now kinda share. I duck those altogether. In the beginning because it was uncomfortable for me. Now because the "how it was" doesn't matter anymore - the operative word being "was" :D

Since I accepted that I don't HAVE TO share my story if I don't want to - regardless of other AA's saying that we are not allowed to refuse when asked - I'm very comfortable in meetings relating to other's experiences and sharing my strength and hope - aka what worked for me.

So I'm sure we've all been in that same boat. The good part is we all get through it :D Who knows ... maybe you'll be the one to comfort and assure the next newcomer who shares and unnecessarily feel like you did after this share that its okay because you've been there.

Just keep going my friend. We get better at what we practice on a daily basis. You did well.

Mwah xxx Noels
There is only Love
Noels
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 1247
Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2016 6:14 am

Re: Felt like a moron after my share today

Postby avaneesh912 » Thu Apr 27, 2017 4:07 am

As a new-comer we are like the deer in front of an on coming car. I tell the people i work with, share about the struggle with alcohol. How everytime we put the plug in the jug we couldn't handle the emotions. And how our mind tricked us back to booze. You can't go wrong in a AA meeting. Talking about relationship issues and other best discussed with a sponsor.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
User avatar
avaneesh912
Trusted Servant
 
Posts: 4641
Joined: Fri May 30, 2008 12:22 pm
Location: Atlanta, GA

Re: Felt like a moron after my share today

Postby desypete » Sun May 14, 2017 1:44 am

today i accept i am a moron daily :D

if i share in a meeting and wonder how i sound or how i am coming across then i have to ask myself am i really opening up or being honest ?

in my early days, i shared my life and my heart out in the rooms,
it was how i first started to learn to get honest with myself. the one thing i remember from my early meetings was i hated myself, my life was over and destroyed in my mind, i could never ever get my kids back, never work again, always be a low life scum who ended up in prison i had no worth at all thanks to the booze that took every bit of me or any good of me away
i would hate to go back to those dark early days but the one thing i could do was be able to keep on coming back and i can remember how good i would feel after sharing in the rooms it was like a release for me
then i would go back home to my empty flat and my head and be tortured until the time of the next meeting then i could escape my prison and torture again for an hour and a half and be with people in the rooms who wanted to be with me who made me feel welcome and helped me so so much

i didnt care how i sounded as i was trying to get sober and stay sober one day at a time doing whatever i could that would help me to stay sober for that moment and i look back at all the fear i had i am totaly amazed that aa and the people in aa were able to pass on to me a start of a new way of living and thinking

anyway today i dont give a flying pair of underpants how i sound i dont want to be a preacher in the rooms of aa its not my ambition to be a know all either
i am quite happy today to go to a meeting and listen out to anyone who is in pain and offer them a bit of my time or an ear and maybe i might of been through what there going through or felt like they did and maybe i might have a suggestion or not that might help ?

but today my life is not all about me anymore or what i want to hear or what i want people to say or how i think people in the rooms should do this that or the other

today i can be a moron and let anyone else be a moron should they wish
the good thing about being a moron is that you get freedom and joy as you really dont care anymore lol

so wear your moron badge with pride
desypete
Forums Contributor
 
Posts: 405
Joined: Sun Jul 25, 2010 10:23 pm

Re: Felt like a moron after my share today

Postby Db1105 » Sun May 14, 2017 6:59 am

duckdog wrote:OK. I've got 3.5 months sober and I never share at meetings. I go to at least 7 meetings a week, more when I can. My sponsor has been encouraging me to share since I first got sober but I was resistant for a long time because I just didn't feel like I had much to add.

Last week I made a promise to myself that I would share at least once every 5 meetings. The couple times I have shared I've always felt like my points got kind of lost in translation. Today I felt like things went totally off the rails...

The topic had to do with relationships. It was a small meeting and I could relate so I raised my hand. I began by talking about how my relationship with my significant other started and how on our second date we were followed home, i got in a fight and then shot the guys car when he said he was going to come back and shoot up my house.

I was trying to show just how insane a relationship of two active addicts was. When my significant other testified as the only eye witness to the offense other than myself and the victim the charges against me were reduced. This caused my to go "all in" in the relationship, as this girl literally saved my life I thought, which led to 5 years of us abusing drugs and each other. I gave a few more examples of the insanity in our relationship including literally fighting in the drive way over a food stamp card, etc.

By the time I was done I realized I had put way too much out there. I had gone from the quiet guy in the back to some guy who was rambling about guns, ankle monitors and food stamps. I felt like an idiot..

Thanks for sharing that and keep on sharing, no matter what negative feelings you may be having. As you said, its the alcoholism still doing the "feeling".
As soon as the Lord's prayer was over I bee lined to the door. One guy told me he appreciated my share but I thought he probably just felt bad for me.

A part of me never wants to go back to that meeting again yet I know that that's my disease trying to isolate me so that I will drink again. I know I am living in fear and my experience has shown me that when I walk through those feelings I come out on the other side stronger.

I am just totally embarrassed and would appreciate any advice.
Db1105
Forums Contributor
 
Posts: 267
Joined: Fri Feb 08, 2013 11:32 am

Re: Felt like a moron after my share today

Postby CP07 » Sun May 21, 2017 7:09 am

you'll always feel better after sharing. sometimes you just have to get it out, and there is no better place then aa. we've all been in similar boats. keep sharing, keep coming!
CP07
Forums Newcomer
 
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 2:42 pm

Re: Felt like a moron after my share today

Postby steephills » Wed Jul 26, 2017 10:07 am

That's such an impacting story. It's something I'd rather listen and pay attention to than just Expletive about work. We can learn something from your story.

Also, the main reason I wanted to comment was because I'm also the quiet one in the back. The more I go to some meetings and see the same people, the more comfortable I get, but sharing makes my voice like...shakes. Like damn, I better not offend or trigger anyone and stick to the rules and format or I'll be chewed alive by these people. There's also that distant feeling in really big meetings with 100 people or so (at least 50). Everyone seems to come with a clique, and no one even looks at me (unless I think they're gawking because I'm the only one sitting alone and smoking outside alone). Being the quiet loner really bites.
User avatar
steephills
Forums Enthusiast
 
Posts: 15
Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 4:18 pm

Re: Felt like a moron after my share today

Postby Brock » Wed Jul 26, 2017 11:13 am

Everyone seems to come with a clique,...

Where I live the meetings are small, ten is a fair size meeting, fifty is pretty unheard of, so it's a lot less scary to share. It sounds a bit hard being the loner, but well done on not using that as an excuse not to go.

Well done also with the spelling of “clique,” even my favorite AA speaker Chris R, refers to a clique as a “click,” and I have seen it written that way many times.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
User avatar
Brock
Forums Coordinator
 
Posts: 3164
Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2012 1:45 pm

Re: Felt like a moron after my share today

Postby Timothy3012 » Thu Aug 03, 2017 7:34 am

'Feel like a moron after my share' - you speak my language haha! I'm 10 and a half months sober and at about month 5 to 7 I had to stop sharing back in meetings because I was literally tormenting myself afterwards about what I said, did I share too much, did I sound like an idiot etc etc

I had to force myself to start sharing again and something my Sponser said really helped, 'No one in AA is expecting anything from you. You don't have to be anything or even say anything if you don't want to' ... this coupled with the saying which I constantly remind myself 'don't take myself so flipping seriously!!!' Got me sharing again!

Push through it if you can, sharing back in meetings is starting to become one of my favourite things!
Timothy3012
Forums Enthusiast
 
Posts: 24
Joined: Wed Aug 02, 2017 3:49 pm
Location: Dorset, England

Re: Felt like a moron after my share today

Postby JohnDaniels » Tue Aug 22, 2017 5:32 pm

Duckdog and Steephills,

I really appreciate your posts. You are not out of place at all. In fact you're in the perfect place to face these issues. Some things similar happened with me in my first few months of sobriety. The chairman that night was a wonderful lady named "Hope". I always thought Hope was sent to my life at that particular time to give me "hope" that I would be ok because I was finally home. She came back to the corner table I was setting at to ask me when my last drink was because the group gave out chips for various lengths of sobriety. I figured it out and told her "Yeah it was that date because I setting in my recliner with a cup of coffee and listening to the Indy 500 race on the radio on my first day sober.
That back corner in the basement of that old church was a place I could hide out. It was by the door so I could make a run for it. I was filled with allot of fear as our book describes fear.

The meeting to underway. After she called on a few of the folk's to speak she then called on me.

Steephills, talk about fear! I walked to the podium with my face feeling red-hot like car battery exploded all over me, hot. When I got to the podium I introduced myself as an alcoholic. My voice was shaking, my body was shaking, I was shaking and itching like a man on a fuzzy tree! :lol: I grabbed onto that podium with both hands and I vibrated to beat the band. I vibrated and basically said, "I am scared to death in front of all you people and I don't know what to say. I am scared to death but if you will just bear with me I'll say something." "Hope" was setting at the chairman and secretary table next to the podium. She said "It's ok. Take your time". Some time had past and I stood there trying to work up the courage to say something. It was the only way I could think of to face my fears the way a book I'd been reading by Florence Scovel Shinn where she wrote about walking up and facing our fears and they will die of their own weight. I finally was able to say a few things and eventually I started to relax and calm down. Then I sat down. Those folks clapped and cheered. Quite a few of them gave me their phone numbers and said to call anytime and they meant it. That old podium had to be repaired from being shaken and vibrated so much. It's still there 38 years later. Well "steephils" I got past that fear and more important have been living a fulfilled happy life in sobriety. I enjoy reading your posts.

Duckdog I understand your feeling embarrassed after that but it sounds like many speakers I've heard and I don't think anything out of the ordinary. It makes me think you were right at home. Hey we all say things that later we wish we hadn't. Alcoholics tend to try to be perfectionists and I believe there's a reason why that is. When I found that out I used to drive down the street and see a house with the hedges perfectly manicured and the yard mowed like a golf course green, not one thing out of place. I'd tell my wife "Look at that house. That guy's GOT to be an alcoholic!"
About a year into sobriety he company I worked for closed down and put 3000 of us out of work. It was a bad time to try to find a job but I went all over the west applying for jobs. Everyone was laying off, not hiring. I finally got an interview at a slaughterhouse/meat packing plant and the man was ready to hire me. He said "Those guys out there are rough and tough. They have a fight in the parking lot after work every Friday. Those guys are hard drinkers. You used to box as an Amateur Welterweight. The minute those guys find that out they're gonna line up to fight you just to see if they can take you out. Do you know what I mean?" I told him I knew exactly what he meant. Then I told him a few anecdotes about my past drinking like being strapped down to a gurney going thru dt's and the time I bit a guys nose off in a bar fight. Well, after that I bet I was one of the few who was told to leave before I was even hired. :lol:

Hey Duckdog, I think we all do silly things we're embarrassed about but I think it's part of the things we need to do to grow us up. Personally I look back at some of the off the wall stuff I've done that never hurt a soul and laugh about most of it.

And hey, I enjoy reading your posts.
JohnDaniels
Trusted Servant
 
Posts: 126
Joined: Fri Jun 02, 2017 3:44 pm

Re: Felt like a moron after my share today

Postby desypete » Wed Aug 23, 2017 2:48 pm

one thing that was pointed out to me rudely i thought lol by an old timer when i was new at shareing and feeling like a fool for not sounding perfect etc

the old timer simply said to me, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE :oops:

if i think that everyone in the rooms of the meeting is thinking about me and what i have said blah blah then your living in dreamland
alcoholics are to interested in talking about themselves and there own take on things to have any time over what you say, 9 times out of ten there all just wishing you would hurry up speaking so they can get there turn to speak =biggrin

i have to say after many years in the guy was spot on
desypete
Forums Contributor
 
Posts: 405
Joined: Sun Jul 25, 2010 10:23 pm

Next

Return to Discussions

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests