relapsed this xmas because a major step 9 error...

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relapsed this xmas because a major step 9 error...

Postby nickoftheshire » Sun Dec 25, 2016 8:20 pm

I skipped a bit of step 9....

never made amends to my brother.

And for clarity, I love him completely. He is, a slightly chubbier, but better looking version of me. We live too far apart and I really need him now. And the last part is the bit that's killing me. Because I need him. And I never made amends, because I assumed it was all okay. And its not, and really all I want here I someone to just say I am going in the right direction.
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Re: relapsed this xmas because a major step 9 error...

Postby Noels » Sun Dec 25, 2016 11:46 pm

Good morning Nick and welcome to e-aa :D
and really all I want here Is someone to just say I am going in the right direction

You're going in the right direction.

Have an awesome day
Love and light
Noels xxx
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Re: relapsed this xmas because a major step 9 error...

Postby Brock » Mon Dec 26, 2016 6:53 am

Welcome to e-AA. I would say yes you are going in the right direction, by quickly speaking up about your relapse, and I trust you are prepared to do something about it and get back on the horse, it's something that happens to many of us.

But as far as pinpointing the cause, and saying it has to do with lack of amends to your brother, my feeling is that's the wrong direction. If we look at today's reflection, it's speaking about the fact that we should be able to accept things like poverty, sickness, loneliness, and bereavement with courage and serenity, that's what we do when we are properly on the 'beam' of the AA program. If Lord forbid the news was your brother had died unexpectedly, would you have handled this with courage and serenity, hardly likely if you are going to drink because you need him, and didn't make amends to him.

I believe you need to go back and review your work on the steps, and search for that contact with the higher power of your choosing, which gives us all a stability and serenity through times good and bad. I wish you the best of luck in finding your way back successfully, to a stronger and better understanding of the AA steps, and the power they contain for a calm and serene life, regardless of what is happening around us, who we miss or who we neglected to make amends to.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: relapsed this xmas because a major step 9 error...

Postby Duke » Mon Dec 26, 2016 8:47 am

Welcome Nick. My experience is similar to what's been said. What I've seen, is that people who quickly own up to their responsibility and get back to working the steps and practicing the principles, soon find what they briefly lost. I certainly hope you do.

I know it was important for me to take responsibility for my actions in the relationships that were important to me. My relationship with my own brother was one that vexed me for a time as well.

As has been said, however, making one of them a cause to drink indicates a lack of spiritual understanding more than it does a problem with the relationship. What I always do when I'm troubled by a particular situation or relationship is get back to the basics: acceptance, responsibility, faith and loving service. It's never failed me.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa
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Re: relapsed this xmas because a major step 9 error...

Postby PaigeB » Mon Dec 26, 2016 10:45 am

Definitely time for a deeper understanding of Steps 1, 2 & 3.

I heard that the things you learn in your first 6 months are what you will fall back on in times of trouble.

Dig deep ~ Step forward :arrow:
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Re: relapsed this xmas because a major step 9 error...

Postby Lali » Mon Dec 26, 2016 1:10 pm

I'm not saying that your lack of making amends led you to drink, but may I ask: Why haven't you made amends to your brother? This is obviously bothering you and it's an easy fix. Are you afraid he won't accept your amends? My sister was not immediately thrilled by my amends, but she eventually came around. Had I never made the amends, we would still not be speaking.
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Re: relapsed this xmas because a major step 9 error...

Postby ezdzit247 » Mon Dec 26, 2016 4:53 pm

Hi Nick

Welcome back.

I relapsed constantly for almost two years after my first AA meeting and, after I was finally able to surrender, I had one more relapse just before what would have been my second AA birthday. For me, getting sober and staying sober is about me accepting that I am powerless over alcohol. Period. Since that last relapse, I have worked Step 1 every single day, one day at a time, for over 38 years and have not found it necessary to take another drink since I made that decision. If you're ready to put the plug back in the jug and stay sober again, Step 1, 2, and 3 will get you there.

Keep coming back....
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Re: relapsed this xmas because a major step 9 error...

Postby positrac » Tue Dec 27, 2016 3:10 am

Lali wrote:I'm not saying that your lack of making amends led you to drink, but may I ask: Why haven't you made amends to your brother? This is obviously bothering you and it's an easy fix. Are you afraid he won't accept your amends?

My thoughts as well and one other point is even if we say you are heading in a right direction, it is you that has to do your end to fix the past and for that we don't know how the outcome will settle.
because you drank is not the end of the world; what is the end for you had you gotten killed over your drinking and your brother and or anyone you might of known who liked you and or cared for you would never know what you thought.
So you get up, dust off and get to living sober again and when you've gotten yourself out of remorse jail I would then work on making things right again.


Don't give up before the miracle happens.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
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Re: relapsed this xmas because a major step 9 error...

Postby Noels » Tue Dec 27, 2016 5:55 am

Heya Nick :D I'm with Posi on this one. I have this crazy idea that when I think of someone that person is thinking of me too so just pick up the phone and call your brother :D
The rest can be taken care of after.
Noels xxx
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Re: relapsed this xmas because a major step 9 error...

Postby avaneesh912 » Tue Dec 27, 2016 6:11 am

The realization that we are powerless over alcohol and our life has become un-manageable is one part and what we are going to do about it is another. We have to live a life of acceptance. We don't have a magic wand to wish away all the bad memories, even if we did, the mind would create new problems. Thats why we have the rest of the steps. For some they probably just had a drinking problem and they could do the quarter of the program and get away with it but for some we got to go to any lengths. Dr Bob shows that completion of amends is a vital part of the program for he lived in fear. Perhaps in your case its a different emotion. Whatever it is, looks like its eating your time.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: relapsed this xmas because a major step 9 error...

Postby tomsteve » Tue Dec 27, 2016 4:10 pm

glad youre here,nick.
im also thinking this had nothing to do with the 9th step.
it reads more like ya took your will and life back.
where was youre HP during this?
were you praying?

one of my favorite parts of the bb,

Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.
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Re: relapsed this xmas because a major step 9 error...

Postby Blue Moon » Fri Dec 30, 2016 5:30 pm

Every relapse in AA is the result of 1 of 2 things: having either not taken Step 1, or taken back Step 3. So I suggest a careful review of the 1st and 3rd Steps, and what actually led to a drink. Step 9 is a red-herring in this context, perhaps more of a symptom than the real cause.

Some clues, which you may not hear often enough in AA meetings: Step 1 is not about drinking, and Step 3 is not about doing God's will.
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