Resentment

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Resentment

Postby avaneesh912 » Fri Dec 16, 2016 8:46 pm

Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Resentment

Postby Karl R » Fri Dec 16, 2016 11:58 pm

A plus sir.

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Re: Resentment

Postby PaigeB » Sat Dec 17, 2016 11:35 am

When I have a situation that is particularly convoluted I DO need to set it on paper. And then I really need to go through the whole process of 5-9.

But I got A LOT of practice with my first and second 4th Steps, both done under 5 years of sobriety. I learned what to look for in my behaviors before I got full blown resentments! For the most part, LOL. I did do another written 4th this year, went 5-9 with my Mom and stalled out for the summer cause my sponsor went on vacation, then I went on vacation and well ummm....

Anyway, I can get blindsided by something like I did yesterday. WhooHoo what fun! Did the whole thing in less than an hour! On the phone, I told my daughter in law to get the kids out of the room so we could talk presents. We hung up and within 5 minutes she sent a text that made it sound like she turned right around and told the gift to admonish the 8 year old into sharing what is not even hers yet. She tried to back it up and say she only heard the part about seeing it on youtube. But in MY MAGIC MAGNIFYING MIND? Wow - it was like a boxing match in there! Prayers was instantaneously followed by yet another round of how to punch back! I ran around the house trying to clean a bit but my mind blazed on between prayer & prize fight. The phone rang and it was my best GF in the program. I told her what was going on and told her my prize fight plans! Like telling the kid that we were talking about youtube cause her mom is getting her a tablet! OMG she laughed - then we laughed our azzes off. I was all prepared with this & that scenario and, well, they were pretty funny now that she mentions it!

Soon it was time for a meeting. I did not really have that resentment anymore ~ 'cept I talked about the one I have about having to put my dog "to sleep" last weekend. They found out she had very advanced cancer and we only had a couple days with her before she was struggling to breathe. ANYWAY - I was/am still pissed about that, but I know I did the right thing and I have to counter my bad thoughts with good thoughts, like I did between "prayer & prize fight," only at a slower burn and one that will heal without much extra help. Then I gotta talk to others - it is our secrets that keep us sick.

So there are 2 different ways to handle resentments in Step 10, without paper. But it took practice and still I DID NOT DO IT ALONE in either case.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Resentment

Postby Layne » Sat Dec 17, 2016 1:39 pm

I am a human being, I will probably always develop resentments. The key factor is how long I hold onto them and what I do with them when they do crop up. I was on my way to meeting one day when I got a flat tire. At this point, I had two options.

Option one: Pound the steering wheel. Scream obscenities. Get out and walk around the car kicking rocks while screaming at God "Why me!".

Option two: Get the jack and spare tire out. Fix the problem. Be on my way. Thank my higher power for the lesson in the how foolish resentments are and for showing me how to deal with them today.

I am an alcoholic. I have an all or nothing mentality, so I fully did both options.

The beauty of the program is that it made option two available to me. Prior to working the steps, it would have been all option one.
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Re: Resentment

Postby Lali » Sat Dec 17, 2016 7:09 pm

The passage posted by avaneesh is the one from the Big Book that I quote the most. That the book says resentment destroys alcoholics more than anything else has always stood out for me. I have highlighted, underlined, starred and tabbed this part of the Big Book! The Book goes on to tell us how to handle resentments:

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile... But with the alcoholic...the business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger...

We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way they disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done." We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.

BB, pages 66 and 67 (paraphrased).
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Re: Resentment

Postby D'oh » Sat Dec 17, 2016 10:55 pm

Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kill us! God makes that possible.


Just before Lali's quote, The only DOUBLE MUST in the BB. Most of my Resentments can be traced back to this.
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Re: Resentment

Postby clouds » Sun Dec 18, 2016 8:28 am

I like going through the whole process of dealing with a resentment as its spelled out in these pages as nicely quoted in this thread and finally arriving at the part where it says, we realized they were sick people.

Then my only dilemma is to see their sickness as, like me, they were sick too.
I learned to use my memory to reflect on how many times I have been in a similar situation to that person I resent and remember how I have behaved. Many times, doing this excersize on resentments, I find that I have behaved even worse than what they are doing.

And that's given me some leverage on dealing with my resentments over time, to have had so many selfcentered moments in my own past. :wink:

We will find we no longer want to shut the door on the past!
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: Resentment

Postby PaigeB » Sun Dec 18, 2016 12:13 pm

I am an alcoholic. I have an all or nothing mentality, so I fully did both options.

hahahahahahahaa :lol: :) :D :mrgreen: :o :D :shock: :) :lol:
The only DOUBLE MUST in the BB. Most of my Resentments can be traced back to this.

:o :shock: :o :shock: :o :arrow: :idea:
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Resentment

Postby tomsteve » Tue Dec 20, 2016 11:00 am

something I learned,and find true for me, is that a resentment doesn't just happen- its a process. usually its frustration, anger, then resentment. if not stopped there, drunk. the sooner I catch it the easier it is to fix. one thing Im not sure about,though( and not really interested in finding out) is if its fixable if I get to the drunk part.
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Re: Resentment

Postby Brock » Tue Dec 20, 2016 11:59 am

the sooner I catch it the easier it is to fix.

That for me is the main goal, if it festers it grows and grows.

Those who try to use the techniques of Echart Tolle as I am trying to do, actually aim to not let it come into our consciousness at all, the idea is if we stay focused entirely in the present, referring to the past only in an analytical way, without psychological attachment, any thought that can 'feed' a resentment does not enter our mind.

Fr. Richard Rohr AA's good friend, in his daily meditation a few days ago quoted this - “The goal in Centering Prayer is not to stop thoughts altogether, but to develop a detached attitude toward them. Fighting your thoughts is useless; releasing them is blessed. —Cynthia Bourgeault.” Now that is probably an easier approach, and Tolle does say we can acknowledge thoughts as being there but ignore them, then they just go away. The lady mentioned above has a face book page about the type of prayer she calls 'centering,' it is good to follow if you are into that sort of thing.
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Re: Resentment

Postby Dan2000 » Fri Dec 23, 2016 12:34 am

Hi All

For me it seems like if I'm catching a resentment, I'm either thinking of the past or I'm thinking of the future. There is an ancient saying that goes something like this....

If you are living in the past, you will be depressed.....If you are living in the future you will have anxiety.....If you are living in the present you will be at peace.

Any time my mind starts to wander off, I try and think of this saying, as having depression or anxiety in the resentment sense, are just different forms of fear.

Keep it in the day.....Have an Attitude of Gratitude.....First things First ...and so on

Sometimes I say to myself, I woke up with a roof over my head, I had something to eat today, life is good, it's that simple.


Dan
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Re: Resentment

Postby Squarelymet » Tue Jan 24, 2017 5:16 am

I have realized I got huge resentments toward my wife. We have been together 25 years, she is good to me, we have a 11 year old son, we haven't been sleep together almost 11 years, no intimacy, I don't want to, we don't have any common ground except our son, she let me go to meetings anytime, I have been suspecting she doesn't care, I know many would go separate ways a long time ago.

I have been sober 8 years, I am active in program, My sponsor says I have a fear of letting go, I am 51 years old, maybe it is too late to find someone else, and my little plans and design is to hold on to my marriage as long as I could, then live alone with no expectations, no ugly history, no disappointments and no emotional tie. Since I can not have peace in relationship, I will not have relationship. I dream about a little house on a lake that I will move in time to time. I know I am sick.

I don't think I love her, but I care about her. I feel responsible for her life. I know this is sick too. I know a clean cut gives less pain. Depression came couple of years ago. I had 3 episodes last year. They were debilitating. Through counseling, I have realized my marriage was the main cause.

I am about to do another 4 & 5.i am not sure what good the inventory will bring this time. No action, no change in my feelings. I feel stuck in my own decision. I know I will do a thorough inventory despite of my ill expectations. I must do something, and I just don't know what.
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Re: Resentment

Postby avaneesh912 » Tue Jan 24, 2017 5:44 am

There are free PDF versions of Power of Now available. There is a chapter "Enlightened Relationship" it helped me a lot. Use you past as a compass. You will find the purpose of your life. For me, the ones I sought after never gave me fulfillment, initially though, it would seem like. Most of the permanent stuff just came. If we quieten our mind through meditation you will see the beauty of existence. Watch "The Shift" featuring Wayne Dyer. I watched it with my wife the other day. Nice transformational movie. See how the 3 sets of people undergo inner-change. They learn from failures or life situations.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Resentment

Postby Spirit Flower » Tue Jan 24, 2017 6:54 am

go on amazon and get "Extraordinary Relationships". Very inciteful for me.
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Re: Resentment

Postby Noels » Wed Jan 25, 2017 7:43 am

Hi Square, thank you very much for your share. I find that its the uncertainty that kills me. Once ive taken a good honest look at whatever is bothering me TOGETHER WITH whatever solutions/choices/options there are to deal with that particular situation and I make a decision on which one I am going to follow, the burden is halfway lifted. Then when I consciously start implementing the action that goes with that particular decision I set myself free.

Why don't you think of yourself - your needs, your desires, what your requirements in a relationship is at this particular moment and then discuss it with your wife? Who knows whether she had the same thoughts in her head for the last 8 years and if so, then "I don't think I love her, but I care about her" may be a solid enough foundation to build from? If it does happen that she is not interested at all well, then you need to look at the next acceptable action for you - do you stay and live your life with absolutely no expectations around your wife or do you make the cut and start afresh in your little house on the lake? I honestly believe that a person can be happy in the same household living separate lives if that is what you choose. Remember, no one relationship is ever the same so to compare your relationship with your sponsor's relationship with his wife is not always the best thing to do. You need to find your own place in the "what is acceptable" and "what is not acceptable" to YOU. What works for him may not work for you and vice versa.

Whichever way you decide to choose just remember that nothing is ever written in stone. If you don't like what you've chosen you can simply choose again.

Good luck and thank you sharing your journey with us.

Lotsa Love and Light
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